I Wish I Wasn’t Going to Send This
Verbal Abuse: A Transformative Experience
This is an email I sent to him today. I wasn’t going to send it, but after rereading it, I thought it would be good to post…so, if I’m going to post it publicly, then it was only fair to send it to him first. I’m responding to an email and phone conversation we’ve recently had. It’s not pretty. The military JUST NOW sent word down the pipe that we were having “problems” in the form of physical abuse. It’s amazing. One instance of physical abuse and we’re celebrities. 17 years of verbal abuse and there’s nothing done to help. That’s the military for you.
Here’s the email:
Do you really think that I don’t KNOW there are different types of people in the world? Why would I think [N] was like [L]? Just because they’re both officer’s wives, I am going to assume they’re the same? And I didn’t say anything to [N] that I wouldn’t say to anyone else, and for that matter, I didn’t say anything inappropriate to her. I didn’t say anything she didn’t already know. Why wouldn’t I assume she has her husband’s best interests at heart? Don’t we all WISH the best for our husbands? Especially me – your career is MY career. I tied my hopes, dreams and all my love to YOU a long time ago, and if you don’t believe that, then there’s nothing I can do or say today that will make you believe it.
If I didn’t WISH the best for you, if I wasn’t loyal to you, then why would I still be fighting for you? Why would I still be here? Why would I still love you? I obviously cannot change your heart. I obviously cannot make you or force you to understand that the only change I wish IN you is that you SEE and CARE about how your words and actions hurt the people you love the most. I wish you could take responsibility for the things you do and say ALL of the time – not only when the chips are down and your career or your marriage is at stake. You only seem to care about how you act or what you say when there’s a possibility that someone besides me will see or hear, or that I might actually have a “documented” reason to leave you because of some “case” I’m trying to build against you. And of course, that case would be heard by someone besides me. You don’t care what you say to me or do to me, because when you’re wrong, you go out of your way to make me the bad person.
I am the most loyal person you’ve ever known. I’ve always tried to protect you and your reputation. The only people I’ve EVER been honest with about the trouble you and I have are my family and a few of my friends – the people who can do NOTHING to you. They are incapable of doing anything to harm you, but you act like they’re your worst enemy. Then, when it suits you, you elevate those very women ABOVE me insinuating that if they can love a piece of shit like [T], then why can’t I love you? You act like I am your worst enemy, and that’s how you treat me. You put me down, you don’t raise me up. You use my weaknesses to your advantage, you use me to excuse your actions, you use me to keep up with the appearance that you’ve got it all together, all the while telling me that I know nothing, can do nothing – that I am powerless against you.
What would you have me say to [N] or anyone else for that matter? Why are you trying to tell me that what I did say to her was wrong? I told her the truth – the same truth I’ve told you. I’ve been completely honest with you even when I knew you could turn it back on me, and it seems like you always do that. You are able to take what I say or do and make it all about you. Then you tell me that because I say or do things that are right and good for ME, that I need to rethink them because it’s not what is best for you. It sounds like you love yourself more than you love me, because if you loved me, you wouldn’t consistently berate my decisions, my thoughts, emotions and beliefs.
You question my decisions, you question my child-raising ability, you question my ability to be the person I want to be. This whole “thing” isn’t about me trying to CHANGE YOU. It’s about a change that is going on inside of me. For better or worse, I’m sick to death of being told I am naïve, disloyal, incapable, irrational and “wrong” about everything I know to be true.
If this was about me trying to pin the blame on you for “my issues” then I could have stuck with the first “label” of alcoholic that I attached to you. I didn’t have to move into something else to prove a point. Your words, your nature, and your attitude about what you and I are going through throw me further into the belief that you won’t ever admit to or even try to see that how you talk to me, how you treat me, is wrong and definitely fits the label of “abusive”. You do these things without seeming to know or understand, but I know better. You think it’s funny when you do it to other people, and I have a feeling that when you do it to me, you think it’s funny, too.
If you love me, if you really truly love me, then you’ll stop acting like you don’t. My love for you IS unconditional; I’ve never asked you to be someone you aren’t. I’m asking you to be good to me, someone you profess to love. That’s all.
I wish I wasn’t going to send this, but I am.
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March 13th, 2009 at 10:01 PM
I received an email back from him tonight. Actually, it’s kind of a nice one. Here it is:
Kellie,
I didn’t mean that you don’t know that there are different types of people in the world. I was just saying that I have more trust or faith in certain people. I know that you have our best interest at heart. I don’t need my heart changed I just need to learn how to show and tell you how much you mean to me.
I also know you have been loyal to me for 17 years. This is just so stressful! I know that my reputation is in your thoughts as well.
I’m not trying to control you, use you, or make you the bad person. I’m telling you all of this because I want to and not for any other reason. I see my marriage falling apart and it feels like no matter what I do I can’t fix it!!! I never said or implied that this was your fault.
I just got off the phone with the 1SG and he heard that they are going to start a Criminal Investigation. I let him know that I think I should come home and he said to let him get back to headquarters to find out exactly what is going on. I will keep you informed the best I can.
I hope you can read this and know that all I have said is from my heart and has no hidden agendas. Sorry that e-mail stirred up so many emotions. That was not my intention.
March 15th, 2009 at 7:59 AM
Kellie,
Yes, it sounds nice; but I just can’t trust it. He knows that email is email. People can trace where it comes from – they can know for sure that it came from him. And for him to even SAY that there were “no hidden agendas”? Too convenient.
I wish with all of my wishes that I could believe this email from him.
I hope he doesn’t come home for the investigation. That scares me. On that note, I think that he loves you as much as he knows how – but that is not enough. It is not good enough to love you and say nice words one second, then the next second treat you so horribly.
I wish I could believe his email. I really, really do.
March 15th, 2009 at 11:21 PM
Dear Kelly,
Erin sent me your blog today. Just for reference I’m Lee’s guitar instructor. She sent it not to embarrass you, but for me to tell you about my experience with an abusive relationship. Mine was with my parents and my first wife. My parents were my everything. They’re suppose to be. There the ones that are suppose to love you more than anyone else in the world. You trust them and you believe that everything they do is in your best interest. You look to them for guidance, for love affection, approval. I truly believe that much of who you are and who you become are from you parents molding. I also know that if that molding was detrimental and your realize it, you can change. My life was pretty normal until about 8 years of age. I can remember my mother and father having friends over, going out, having vacations etc. Stable, happy. I can remember my father having somewhat of a temper but I was very small. My father put an extension on the small house that we owned and would not take a loan to finish it, even from my uncle who was a banker. He did it little by little. It took him seven years and we had a beautiful house with all hardwood floors etc. It was beautiful. Before I knew it my parents sold the house, bought a new station wagon with a small travel trailer, and we were of to the mid-west to look for a dairy farm. I took a couple of months and we settled in Wisconsin. My dad had 180 acre farm, wife, two kids and a new baby. He lived in the barn. I made the mistake of going down one day to ask if I could help. From that day on until the present I have worked like a man. I have had six months in my lifetime were I didn’t have a job…..from the age of 8. My dad wanted more land, more machinery, so he bought the land next to us……..more work, more bills, more loans they couldn’t pay back, my dad became very very verbally violent. He started abusing the animals, beating them with pitchfork handles and shovels and breaking them over their backs, he was verbally mean to all of us. Mom was always in the barn. I can remember crying to him and asking why we always had to work and why I couldn’t have friends etc. My mom tried by getting me involved with cub scouts for awhile but it was short lived. I can remember being miserable…….then we found a saviour………the church, the pentecostal church. I want you to know that I have strong faith and believe me if it wasn’t for God I would have never made it. God became the scapegoat, the out, the one we could rely on. My parents got saved and then something miraculous happened. God started talking to my Mom……..now my Dad was no longer in control. My mom was. We lost the farm and ran out during the middle of the night, taking our belongings and leaving everything…..running…..my dad couldn’t face looking at the other farmers in the area coming to his auction, although he had been to many before his. I can remember people selling household items and cooking burgers for the people at the auction trying to hold on to the land, many lost everything. Now with our guiding light (my mother and god) we would have daily direction for our lives. This went on for years. I have moved over 65 times in my life up to about 25 years ago where I have lived pretty much in Texas. My parents put the responsibility of raising seven children on myself and my sister. They would hole themselves up for days in their bedroom waiting for a word from the Lord. I know what it’s like to starve, have our lights, water, turned off. I had to lie for them. I watched them steal cars, take things out of homes that we lived in such as appliances etc, all in the name of God. The abuse came from us not wanting to follow what god said. I explain it like this…..If your whole life you had been told that white was black and black was white, from people you loved, you would believe them. What was hard was everyone outside the church and my parents told me white was white, etc…..these people were of the devil and we were the choosen people of god. Of course any time I had an opinion that didn’t match with my parents, I was the one that always caused the problem. “I get everyone thinking the way the Lord wants us to think and then you have to go the other way”. We where sheltered. Had few friends. I lived two lives, one at school and one at home. Relationships were completely controlled if nonexistent. We didn’t date mainly because we had no money or a car that was worth driving. I stayed with my parents for the sake of my brothers and sisters as I was sure that CPS would be called and them all taken away. I went to college and received partial scholarship to the best school in the world for contemporary music Berklee College of Music in Boston Mass. My folks went on a crazy trip, didn’t pay the rent, went looking for farms and left my brothers and sisters to pretty much fend for themselves. I came back and gave up my education. Years later I was to go back to college and met my ex-wife. I had a nervous breakdown and finally left my folks to go back to college. I met my ex-wife who was just like my mother and father. Controlling. She married me for some crazy religious reason from the old testament. To make a long story short she never really loved me. She had an affair with a man 22 years older than herself and just went crazy. I was afraid for my son who was just a baby.(he is now 15). I went to lawyers and all I needed to was thousands of dollars and they would help take care of me. It got worse and worse. My son was telling me my ex-wives boyfriend was hitting him etc, so I did the stupid thing, took my son and moved up with my parents. I think I did the normal abnormal thing. Most people gravitate towards their family during crisis. I did the same thing. I moved in with them and within two weeks I was 13 yrs old again handing over my money to them and no longer a father but just one of their kids. In my upbringing my father would spank (beat the hell out of us with a strap) leave welts, and if he was frustrated or mad oh hell. I think I spanked my son once in his whole life. I talk with my son. I make him think about what he’s done. I punish him but I don’t take out my anger on him…..never. I love him so much he’s the greatest gift that I have ever been given. I love being his dad. My father hit me a couple of times when I was and adult. He could verbally beat me to a nub, but it gets to the point where the verbal abuse will no longer control you. You get numb to it and you start standing up for yourself. Thats when they take it to the physical level. As long as you do as they say. Don’t piss them off. Stay within the guidelines your live can go on as abnormal. Thats right abnormal. You learn to take the abnormal as normal and you live with it. You lose who you are. Because all the love you have you feed to one person. You get to where you don’t have love for yourself because you give it all to a person who doesn’t love him/herself. It won’t effect the kids I can control it. If it gets to bad I can get out. I’ll know. When I stopped giving my parents my money, when I told them I was moving out…..they kidnapped my son for three days. They changed the locks on the house and I had no idea where my son was. They accused me of molesting my son, brother, and my nephew. I left and CPS was called. They took my son away and brought him back to my parents. They coached my boy and I had to beg the my attorney to make Jordan a ward of the state so I could get him out of my parents house. I knew they would run and take my son with them. It took me over a year before I would see my son again. They let him go back with his mother and it took me that long to get everything straightened out. My ex-wife and I get along great now but it took us 10 years of building trust. Jordan is a wonderful son, but he’s going through issues now that we had no idea. He has a lot of resentment towards his mother. He’s in counseling as he told us about two months ago that he was gay. We are making progress and so much is coming out that I had no idea. The counselor is telling us that we have to be patient but Jordan will be fine. If you think that this stuff doesn’t effect your children…….it does. I wished I had done things different but I’ve done alot of things right too. When all of this happened I became a father, I grew up real quick!!!!! There is more I want to tell you and I’ll comment more on my recent life in another email. I’m sharing this with you because I know what you are going through. Mental chains are so much more stronger then physical bars and chains. You can actually leave your house each day, and then lock yourself in the prison each evening. Your children are looking to you. I saw on your facebook about your son. I am assuming your dealing with drug abuse. Kelly you can do this. If nothing but for your children. I saw your video and I see someone that has a flicker still left in her eyes. I see someone beaten down but I can still see that person that wants to be who she always wanted to be. It will not be easy but it sounds to me like you have a sister who loves you so much and I’m sure others. They want the best for you. You will find love again…..no you will find love…real love but you have to love yourself first. I dont know if this has helped. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Peace, Kevin
November 10th, 2009 at 7:47 AM
To Kevin Curtis, should you ever somehow see this, the sentence that says “I see someone beaten down but I can still see that person who wants to be who she always wanted to be.” … is pretty profound to me. I’d almost be willing to tattoo it on the inside of my forearm so I could read it to myself a hundred times a day. Yeah, that’s right, in fact that’s exactly what I see when I see. Me. (Even though you don’t know me). So what if someone tried to steal all our energy, and vitality, just to see us have less of it than them?! It’s such a childish thing for one to do to another. Children can’t control themselves. But in grown up bodies, it’s hard to tell at first who is still a child. Once we know it, though, any further ridiculous words or games from them get far easier to walk away from. We can get back to the task on hand. I’d nearly forgot there was a task in the first place till you reminded me that there WAS a person I was wanting to be. Haven’t seen her in a LONG time, but I am so so so glad to see her.
November 10th, 2009 at 1:28 PM
Marie, I’ll make sure he sees it.
November 11th, 2009 at 7:21 PM
Dear Kelly and Marie,
There are good people out there. There are good men out there just like there are good women. Being strong within yourself is the key. Separating from the sickness and the disease is what will make you healthy. Think clearly. Knowing the warning signs of someone who will mentally hurt you and being strong enough to turn tail and run as fast as you can or just standing up and not letting that person effect your mind is key. Since we are of a type that allows this to happen to us, there is a time of mental thought to sift through this and then to armor up and be ready to go head to head when it occurs again. I truly believe the only way to do this is to get away from it. Then study it at a distance. Maybe therapy and a good counselor. What ever you have to do. I had to stop therapy because of finances. I did something stupid because of frustration. I went out and road my racing bicycle after it rained, hit a patch of mud and broke both hands. Even with the insurance the therapy for my hands cost me $4,000. All because of the disease that I was not willing to get help for. Now I’m ready. I’m ready to be everything that I’m suppose to. Everything that I want to be. My wife told me that I’m just so perfect and know everything……….she’s right I do know everything that I need to do it…..a perfect plan to make myself strong and healthy. I have to do this……..