The Effects Verbal Abuse Had On My Life

The effects of verbal abuse cause you to feel unlike your self. You feel almost dead inside, not knowing which way to turn to make things right again.As a victim of a verbally abusive person, I slowly lost my Self. The side effects of verbal abuse (and emotional or mental abuse) ate me from the inside out; I became hollow before I realized how awful my life had become.

I doubt my ability to mother my children and how to clean the floor (as if the two were of the same importance). I live in a constant state of uncertainty. The world seems unsafe – the rules spontaneously change. I suffer stress headaches, irritability, and fatigue.

I am super-critical of myself to the point of decision-making paralysis. I would rather ask my husband and let him decide. The abuse I experience from my incompetence seems preferable to that from a wrong decision. I weigh my actions against what I suspect his reaction will be. I try to read his mind but ignore my own.

My abuser’s preferences have replaced my morality, thinking and way of doing things. I am more him than me. I wasn’t always like this. The abuse is bad, but the things I’ve allowed to change in my mind and heart are horrid.

It’s a disgusting and soul-killing way to live.

Kellie Jo Holly's amazon.com
*Note: I divorced Will in 2011. The side effects of verbal abuse recur less often now, but I combat them with the abundant energy I have (now that Will isn’t sucking it out of me). My book, My Abusive Marriage: …and what happened when i left it will show you how much life changed when I left my ex-husband.

 

Comments

  1. Mary Coen says:

    “You don’t live in the REAL world”, appears to be a common put down by these men who like to believe they are of superior intelligence. I’d happily wager they have a lot in common, ranging from a penchant for pornography and BDSM to alcohol. Also they appear to cherry pick their partners, preferring bright, talented women whom they can gradually denigrate to the point she losses all faith in herself. There would be no challenge in picking someone who was a walkover from day one. They also like their partners to reflect well on their image as perceived by society.

    Excellent articles here with terrific insights into how an abuser can brain wash the victim.

    These issues need to be highlighted as there is a lot of hidden abuse within marriage and even though men are often the abusers, it is not always the case.

    Delighted you got out Patricia;- keep loving yourself and know you are not alone. You are brave to speak out. Hopefully we can eventually lift the lid on this and come together as women in offering loving support in a global sense. You guys have already set the wheels in motion.

    Many blessings, Mary

  2. Wonderful article…..sickening to read, because it mirrors my life! I am trying to get out…so much easier said than done!! I have 3 beautiful children who are, also, being manipulated by this idiot on a daily basis,,,,say a little prayer for us to break free!!!

  3. Breaking Free says:

    To any women out there that are thinking about leaving. Be sure you make a plan! They won’t just let you walk out. I never got ALL my personal belongings back and still am trying to truly break free. But me an my boys don’t live there any more. One of the main reasons being that he wouldn’t let me come back.

    Luckily growing up in an domestic violent home I always kept my finances separate. I have my own job so I keep my own money. I realize some women might no have this luxury. Save money anyway – even if it’s just enough to get a hotel for a couple nights or a bus/taxi to a friends house. Get a prepaid cell phone – he will shut your phone off at least mine did. Buy a gas card/grocery card from Fry’s to get food and gas if you ever need it. Most likely those credit cards and debit cards will be cancelled – reported stolen. They will so what ever they can to make you suffer. Then try to apologize or blame you for leaving. It’s still my fault I left according to him.

    I love my husband – but he has some real issues and I couldn’t deal with the torment anymore. I just don’t deserved to be treated this way and deserve better! I was astonished when I read the qualities in women that are great candidates to be brainwashed. I see my self as an intelligent woman, motivated, strong willed, mentally strong, confident, emotionally capable.

    This man gradually turned me into the person I was into a scared little girl that beckoned at his every demand! Oh yeah, great guy full of charisma but not when we were at home alone. He would even hide his evil side in front of my kids. When I exposed the beast to my kids he was furious – blaming me for them not liking him and the way he was treating me. I had to escape for the best interest of my kids – but also for myself! I decided at one point that it wasn’t right for me to allow myself to go through this and to put my kids through the pain of watching it. At one point my son went to live with my mother because he built up so much anger towards him. He was living with my mom when I left with my younger son.

    When we left my older son came back home with me. It hasn’t been easy but I am slowly building my confidence back. I believe God brought me to this site to confirm that I am a victim of verbal abuse and need to keep on with the path I am on right now. I live with some friends from church that room mate with me and my kids. We aren’t totally on our own yet. But, I can pay my part of the rent and utilities. We help each other and it’s been a blessing to both of our families.

    There are great organizations out there that will help you. Where I live the organization that helped me was EMERGE! Make sure what every you do to leave in a manner that is SAFE for you and your kids. Break free and forget about personal belongings. Get important documents together ss cards, birth certificates, checks, debit cards. Even open a separate account and save up if you can. Do your research and realize that no everyone know about verbal abuse and will be able to help you. I went to a church leader to discuss the matter with my husband. He told me that I needed to stop saying I am being abused. I think it’s because in his mind abuse meant being physically abused. He is still one of the Pastors at that church I attend and I do not hold any anger towards him for not being able to help me. But, just realize that people that don’t know about verbal abuse may dismiss it when it’s a real valid issue.

    My sister and her unborn child was murdered by an abusive boyfriend. I grew up in an abusive home (domestic violence, drug use, alcohol) so trust me I know. The problem for most people that grow up the way I did is that this kind of environment is normal! But, my kids did not grow up in this kind of environment and the impact it had on them the short amount of time they lived with this man was very evident. So much that my teenage boys say they will never get married. (Note: The boys are not his, they are from my previous marriage). I was divorced by my ex-husband. He abandoned me any my boys (7 and 9 years old at the time). Found out just last year that he was having an affair at work and married the woman after leaving us. There are entirely different story in that. But, my point is there is no reason to be abused. If you are a Christian don’t think you have to stay! God does not want you to be abused – leave be separated! Live in peace – you don’t have to go get married or get a divorce. My first marriage I refused to sign the divorce papers because I was a Christian. But then I read, 1Corinthians 7:15 “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” In this last instance, I felt the same way about leaving. Figured I needed to stand by my husbands side, but after leaving a few days and trying to come back and being locked out of my home. To his surprise, I got my own little studio for a month before getting help from Emerge and moving into the house with my roommates.

    I came to a point where I realized I needed to stay out of that situation. No one deserves to live tormented every day of their life. God showed me it was okay for me to leave. The scripture 1Corinthians 7:10-11 says, “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.” It’s interesting to me that I came across this website. i was actually listening to verbally abusive you tube videos when I can across a posting by Patricia Evans. I ordered the book on Amazon and mailed it to his house! Maybe he can read it and get help! He knows he has issues – hopefully he will get help. But, as of right now I am standing my ground and working on getting physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.

    I love my boys and I want the best for them. Staying in that relationship will only cause us harm and even worst cause them to hate me for allowing myself to be treated that way. We really do allow it – no matter how hard it may be – YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I know that God knows the pain that I felt and still feel everyday. But, I trust God and know he has greater things for me and my boys. I still love my husband very much but I can’t change him – he has to want to change and do what it takes to make those changes. Maybe some day we will reconcile – but, he is really going to have to show me in his actions! It doesn’t take days, weeks or even months to change. It takes years – so for now I am focusing on me and my dreams! Yeah – I have a brain, feelings, thoughts, etc and I am fully capable doing what every it takes.

    I have been stuck ever since I married this man less than two years ago and he changed me into a different person. Someone that was sad, depressed, unproductive and miserable. That WAS NOT ME! I am a motivated, goal orientated, bad – azz mother! Haha – With God all things are possible! I believe that I am going to attain my life long goals and I am in the process of making them happen. More to come – feel free to write and I will try to help or at least tell you what helped me.

    Note: Something that really helped me break free was reading about verbal abuse and identifying the flags so to speak. As women we want to blame ourselves or make excuses to dismiss their behavior. As sickening as it is we actually try and defend them. I will never understand this – but reminding yourself over and over again that you are BEING ABUSED – helped me in standing in MY decision to leave the home.

    Be strong and call on God! He can be everything you ever wanted in a man! He will always be there for you and love you the way you deserve to be loved. People disagree with me all the time but I believe that love is not a feeling or emotion but a commitment. God is committed to us and loves us more than any other human being ever could! People say they would die for us – but when it comes down to it … I am not so sure. But, one thing I do know that Jesus loved my so much that He died for me and proved it on Calvary!

    Nothing worth having is free or doesn’t come without a fight! Like a friend told me once, “one step in front of the other!” Allow God to lead your steps, just keep walking. I think you might be amazed at where He will take you. I certainly am.

    Keep you head up! God can mend your broken heart – mine has a lot of stitches in it but it’s still working.

    Have a blessed day – thank you for reading. It was nice to just be able to express my thoughts. Who knows maybe it can help someone …

    Breaking Free

  4. I think in this kind relationship right now, but now sure, he seems to love me

  5. YOU TRUELY ARE NOT ALONE, SINCE I’VE READ THESE ARTICLES I UNDERSTAND WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME FOR YEARS

    • Jay Harper says:

      Since reading these I truly see what has been happening to me for years now with my husband being verbally and emotionally abusive to me. He knows just what to say to hurt me, especially mentioning things like he sees why im already divorced or cant get a job etc. Then says sorry afterwards. He always blames me for making him angry and winding him up. The anger comes over nothing major.
      For instance not long ago I just showed him a picture of a Christmas jumper that I wanted and asked him which colour was better red or grey. He replied I dont really care because I hate them. I said its not for you though, I just want an opinion please. So he raises his voice “What do you want a Christmas jumper for anyway? “Cos I really want one”. Oh so you can jump on the bandwagon like everyone else then post a photo of you wearing it on xmas day” he shouts. I said no i just really want one. But why, answer me that? Still louder he says. By this stage im scared what to say, do I make something up. But I stick to my guns & say I just want one. He continues booming at me over & over with the same question!! I say you will wake our daughter please stop shouting. He says just answer the question, u cant can you? Your pathetic. Then throws his phone at me in a rage which hits me on the neck!

  6. there are so many simularities with your situation and mine, I didn’t have to leave he abandoned us and still proceeds to control and attempt to abuse me through the courts and through our divorce. These articles showed me that the things he continues to do now even outside the home is still abusive. I can now cope with it better because I see the flaggs of abuse.

  7. So many similarities to my life. I left almost 2 years ago and it is still an emotional struggle at times. I tell myself it is because I lived that life for about 20 years before escaping, it’s what I know. I know down to my toes there is nothing I can do to make that marriage better, I tried everything. But there are still times I miss him, well more the idea of him that I always thought was buried underneath. That’s my delusion. I wrote a list of crud that happened, the horrid anticipatory fearful feelings I had. I read that when I get that hint of longing. Makes it go away very quickly. I am SO thankful for getting out, I can breathe now. So many don’t go. It’s never too late.

  8. My boyfriend is extremely emotionally abusive. I’ve been so naive because I thought myself to be a smart, strong, well-educated woman who wouldn’t let someone treat her this way. I’ve been making excuses for him to my family, friends and his family! He constantly inpgnores me and even our son. He has ignored my family and friends when they come to visit or we go to see them and he only wants to to be the 3 of us at home, doing our own thing all the time. I don’t have a job, and I stay at home with our 3 year old. For the first 2 years, he drove my car and I was stuck at home. I went into a deep depression and started getting treated for bipolar disorder. I lost 30 pounds and started feeling better about myself, but he never supported or encouraged me on my healthy lifestyle changes. I also have my own little business online which he constantly trivializes and undermines me and my ability to make money to help support our family. I am responsible for making sure all of the bills are paid because I’m good at managing money and he constantly gets mad at me and claims I spend all his money. I have tried to leave twice and of course both times he didn’t make any real effort to keep me from leaving until I was gone and safely 6 hours away with my family and he’d call me and guilt me into coming back or promise things would change. I’ve completely lost my sense of self and have little self confidence. I’m constantly walkin on eggshells trying not to upset him so he won’t give me the silent treatment. I want to leave for good this time, but I don’t know what to do about custody for my son. I know I need a job, and a supportive network, but I really don’t want to leave near my family. They don’t make me feel better. I’m so conflicted and scared, but I’m more afraid of how my son will turn out if he grows up seeing how his father treats me. If I had a daughter, and her boyfriend treated her the way my boyfriend treats me, I would do everything in my power to get her away from him. Where do I start?

  9. So many of these things hit home to still very fresh wounds. I am continuing to be abused through the courts and divorce proceedings as well. I’ve tried to fight for myself but truly the system does not care and he surely doesn’t so like someone in prior post says. You just need to stop worrying about “the stuff” you lose, be thankful and get on with healing and living a happier and healthier life!

What do you think? Tell us!