Verbal Abuse Symptoms In Long-Term Relationships

Do you have these verbal abuse symptoms? If you are depressed, anxious, lonely or feel you do not know who you are anymore, you might be verbally abused.

Do you have these verbal abuse symptoms? If you feel depressed, anxious, lonely or feel you do not know who you are anymore, you might be verbally abused.

What verbal abuse symptoms will you experience over time? Living in an abusive relationship can cause you to suffer physical, mental and emotional problems. How does verbal abuse mess with you in the long haul? What will you give up to stay in a relationship filled with emotional and verbal abuse?

An abuser’s crazy-making and brainwashing can change you from a vibrant, independent person into a hopeless pawn. Your life disappears. You disappear.

Verbal abuse symptoms like depression and anxiety make you think less of yourself. Not only does the abuser treat you horribly, but you begin to treat yourself horribly too. As you read this list of verbal abuse symptoms, ask yourself “What will I sacrifice to tolerate abuse?!”

Verbal Abuse Symptoms List

Verbal abuse acts quickly on your emotional health and will erode every aspect of your health over time (Top 12 Signs of Abuse in Your Future). It’s never too late to protect yourself from further harm with a safety plan.

Some Emotional Effects of Verbal Abuse

  • You feel trapped and on-guard.
  • You may feel crazy or out of control.
  • You rely on another person to tell you what you should feel or do.
  • You feel small, unimportant, worthless.

Verbal Abuse Affects Your Thinking

  • You become preoccupied with fears or what-if scenarios.
  • You think you lost your ability to understand what others say or mean.
  • You think you cannot communicate well.
  • You experience circular thoughts and confusion.
  • You feel uneasy or even paranoid with no defined cause.
  • You over-analyze yourself.
  • You replay conversations in your mind to find where you went wrong.
  • Your internalized critical voice agrees with your abuser’s accusations.
  • You think you have nowhere to go if you left.

Verbal Abuse Reduces Your Desire to Live

  • You lose your spontaneity and excitement for life.
  • You suffer postponement, loss or shattering of dreams.
  • You feel lost or without purpose.
  • You are missing something or feel that time is passing too swiftly to carry out your dreams.
  • You wait for some point in the future when everything will be better.
  • You want to escape or run away (but you may not know what you want to escape from).
  • You wish for death – yours or your partner’s.

Outward Effects of Verbal Abuse

  • Your doctor may diagnose you with depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or some other mental health problem.
  • Others say you have low self-esteem. Or, if you realize you’re losing self-esteem, you don’t know why.
  • You turn to shopping, drugs, alcohol, sex, or any other addicting behavior.
  • You may experience insomnia or other sleep disturbances.
  • You may experience unexplained physical problems or fear that you’re a hypochondriac.
  • You might put yourself down in conversations without noticing.
  • You become isolated from friends, family and other supportive people (often without noticing it happen).

How Did Verbal Abuse Symptoms Affect Me?

 

So, what are you willing to sacrifice to tolerate abuse in your relationship?

 

List of verbal abuse symptoms adapted from The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, St. Jude’s website, and the author’s experiences with verbal abuse.

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Comments

  1. i am suffering verbal and physical abuse from my wife

  2. Me too do not know what to do I have being with my partner for six year and is has being abused I have a daughter she is 5 and she sees everything of what he says torts me. I do not know what to do

    • Olga you need to pack a bag with everything you will need for at least a week, along with your daughters. This includes medications, legal documents or any other important information. Try to tuck away a few bucks and put it in the trunk of your car. Take your child to go grocery shopping one day and go to a shelter and GET AWAY FROM HIM for you and your child
      I know how hard it can be, was married to an abuser for 25 years. I thought staying and keeping the family together was the best however my daughter is 28and does not talk to her father. The effects on children are much greater than you realize
      Good luck anc God bless

      • Kelly, could I possibly talk to you. I am in a very similar situation and would love to be able to talk to you about the effects on children.

  3. It hurts me to hear of so many people that are scarred by the negative and harsh words spoken over them. Words have a long lasting effect on our lives than we know. This video helps to raise awareness of the importance of speaking wisely and how to overcome the scars of verbal abuse.

    https://youtu.be/WFc3JEjVh-M

  4. My husband turns on me suddenly and screams, then shuts down completely. I am isolated.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I think I’m being verbally abused. He won’t touch me, if he does its a push, because I’m disabled. I have multiple sclerosis. I can’t drive. I can’t walk without a walker. Sometimes I can’t walk at all. I’ve been in this relationship for 21 years. We have 3 children together. 19, 17,11. The oldest is in college. They LOVE daddy so much, although I’ve seen him use the same abuse with them as he has with me. They are strong. I’ve been there for them.
    In the last year, it’s gotten worse. I see the affects it’s having on my 17 yr old daughter and 11 yr old boy. It’s taking its hold on me too. I’m just losing myself. I want to die so I can get away. Although I know that is not the answer. I have to tough it out. How is a disabled mom going to be able to take care of my children?
    If your reading this…please pray for me. Thank you and God bless YOU!

    • I am praying for you and your family now.

    • Anonymous says:

      are you ok?

    • Anonymous says:

      Praying for you and your family sweetheart

    • Can not thank you enough on behalf of the abused women I work for – Economic necessity and children to support perpetuate staying in the abuser’s environment. What can be done in such situations may also be communicated to us.
      Meanwhile relatives, ‘friends’ society and the employers that do not support or acknowledge the inhumanity being perpetuated are a much greater source of despair than the pathetic abuser himself.

    • MS mom I am praying for you right now. God Bless you.

    • Omg what a disgusting man get help my darling you don’t need him nor do your children he should be ashamed of himself thinking about you really Iam feel sick to my stomach shame on him

    • Anonymous says:

      You are in my prayers

    • Alicia Arguello says:

      I’ll pray for you. May god bless you and your children with the strength to overcome the abuse you do not deserve

  6. Verbal abuse is one of the most painful part of the relationship rather physical abuse. There comes a time you felt like you are no longer needed in the relationship, you have never been appreciated, but to solve this kind pf problem I think both of you should attend a marriage counceling.

  7. Anonymous says:

    the worst thing an verbally abused woman can do is to loose her financial independence. My husband is verbally abusive with me, but I left my job when he got sick and almost dye. Everything gets worst when we are just at home. Divorce became an unrealistic goal and surmounting the money gap after 50s is really a challenge in the middle of this situation.

    • I feel your pain!!! The father of my children, my ex-husband was dying! I came back to take care of him beacause he was dying and I have always loved him..He was always cruel in his words only..also he could be soo loving too! My semi-adult kids couldn’t handle him…so here I am. For them, for me, for him… He has survived longer than anyone expected and I realize now …… He is horrible and cruel with his words!!! If I say something negative about him to his face…then he ‘pays me back by saying something cruel to my kids!’ Help me survive another round with him!!! Omg…help me!!! As a caregiver now, I can’t just leave! Thank you for listening!!!

      • Hi, My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. Let me say that I admire your strength to be looking after your abuser at this time. It must be very trying. I worry though, for you and your kids, what living with his abuse is doing to you and your own health. May I ask why you thought you had to be the caretaker? I can understand perhaps feeling responsible for his care because you have children with him, but is this really the best position for you to be in? And what is this doing to your children? I do not ask to be rude, I just ask these tough questions because I care about your well being. Is there anyone else that can step forward or can you get Home Care to come in, therefore alleviating you? Just a thought.

        Janet

  8. Andrea Hale says:

    Wow!!!! I always have to ask other people what they think I can’t decide for myself. I don’t trust my own judgment.My husband was verbally and physically abused as a child . Now he has been verbally abusing me for 20 years we have been married. I have an anxiety disorder and I am scared to leave because I don’t know if I can take care of myself ,this video was very eye opening.

    • This is a long post but ITS MY STORY AND I AM VENTING. I read your post as well as of others. I have been suffering horrible verbal abuse for years. The past 2 to 3 years have been the extreme worst. About 2 years ago when I was converting to become a Catholic, my Baptism was on Easter Vigil night. As I was getting ready my husband and I were exchanging words but I was not yelling. I was in my closet getting dressed and I said something to him and he flew back in the closet and grabbed me around my throat and picked me up. After that is when the verbal abuse became EXTREME. We’ve been together total for 26 years and have 1 17 year old son. My son is upset that this is going on. I’m in Texas but my entire family is in Louisiana. I haven’t lived in LA since 1991. I have an MBA and worked 99.5% of the time we’ve been together. 2014 I lost my job of 19 years in the oil and gas industry. Unemployed for 6 months, found a job another o&g job but they were going through bankruptcy, so after 6 months I lost my job again. Now I am a substitute teacher at my son’s school, it pays at poverty. I’ve defaulted on everything except a loan and my car. My husband refuses to help me with anything. My phone is cutoff and he doesn’t care. Now I barely have any money to cover my car note and health insurance he makes me pay for my son and I. (THROUGH ALL THE DAYS OF WHAT I JUST TYPED ABOVE, MY HUSBAND VERBALLY ABUSES ME SO BAD. HE CALLS ME A C*NT, FILTHY WORD, F….ING IDIOT, MORON, F…ING STUPID). During these episodes about 1 week ago I took a knife and started cutting my wrist vertical and horizontal…very deep. I stopped when I thought about my son.
      Name calling is EVERY SINGLE DAY. Just this past weekend I told him I applied for a job. It wasn’t for a specific position just to the CEO. He asked me what position and I said it wasn’t for a specific one, just to the CEO. (RIGHT NOW I HAVE EXTREME SORE THROAT AND HARD TO TALK) so when I responded he said effing b!tch, listen how you talk I’m tired of your attitude. He says I wish you would effing go back to Louisiana. I said I don’t have an attitude it’s just how I sound with this sore throat. I’m losing my voice so I have to speak louder to get the words out and I told him that. HE TELLS ME CONSTANTLY I’M NOT WANTED TO GET OUT OF HERE AND GO HOME TO LA. I have no money, no friends and have been contemplating suicide for a while. I know i shouldn’t say this but knowing that my son sees what’s going on I said to him “please don’t be upset with me if I decide to leave this life, you will get over it as everyone does and life goes on”. I used to be a happy bubbly person and all I think about is dying. I pray God takes me in place of a sick child. My family wants me to go back home but I can’t cause I won’t have ANY INCOME AND THEY CAN’T AFFORD TO PAY MY BILLS TILL I FOUND A JOB.
      When my husband comes home everyday I start start shaking. I also suffer with severe nerve pain and body wide pain. I’ve had 8 surgeries all due to a severe reaction to an antibiotic Levaquin.
      MY WALLS HAVE FULLY CAVED IN AND THINKING ABOUT ENDING IT ONCE AND FOR ALL SO LIFE CAN HURRY UP AND GO ON FOR MY SON. Thank you for reading MY STORY, GOD BLESS.

      • my god, you be strong as a stone. you must be, i got upset just by reading what you have experienced. you must find YOU in that body, however, small and sick it is. Remember that you matter to your son and your family. do not give him power over your soul, take control of YOU, and don’t let him get there.

      • Julia, you have gone through so much, and you did not deserve it! Remember you are a daughter of the King! He loves you and has plans for you. You matter to your son and your family. I think you should try to get out. Go back to LA. Take your son with you. He doesn’t deserve to see you abused either. You could contact a Domestic Violence Centre either near where you live, or where your family lives, who would be able to help you make a plan to live. You obviously have the ability to find another job.
        As a fellow Catholic, I think you would benefit from reading the US Bishops’ pastoral letter on Domestic Violence. You do not have to stay in an abusive marriage. Talk to your pastor, or contact your diocesan marriage tribunal to discuss your situation. I hope you can find the help you need.
        http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/domestic-violence/when-i-call-for-help.cfm

      • My goodness; you just told my story, complete with the one teenage son.
        I too have recently thought about cutting myself; but then I think of my son…….
        I’ve also been thinking about suicide seriously the last few days; I am a mere shell of the bubbly, healthy and HAPPY woman I was.
        Family and friends are becoming concerned, as I no longer have my job due to severe anxiety and depression; no money (he controls that) and the car is out of rego, so I can’t drive anywhere. He still drives it to work unregistered, because he spends the money on pot.
        He’s giving me the silent treatment now; I’ve been locked in the bedroom in the searing heat, because he didn’t want me near him, and he was in the lounge room, the only other room in this tiny one bedroom apartment.
        It’s time to get real with him and myself.
        I’m done being treated like a dog.
        I’m done being blamed for him abusing me.
        I’m done being told I’m fucking crazy.
        I’m done being called horrible names by the man who asked me to marry him.
        I’m done being lied to.
        I’m just done.
        The first step im taking is disconnecting emotionally; no more running back to his arms and apologizing for him abusing me!
        No more falling for the promises and lies that he’s sorry and will try to change.
        Liar liar pants on fire 🔥!!!!!!
        Yep, I’m done.
        The mask is off, and I can see the monster 👾 that lurks beneath.
        No more fooling me with his future faking promises and love bombing gifts………passionate sex that deserves an Oscar the act is so believable!
        I could go on, but I’ve had enough of taking about him.
        Here’s to seeing the truth behind the mask; may you all have strength and God’s good grace with you.

      • Thank you for sharing your story. You are right that you do not deserve this abuse. You deserve so much more! I encourage you to create a Safety Plan so that you can safely leave. Here is the link to the one we use at Verbal Abuse Journals, http:/vajournalsmentorprogram@gmail.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/

      • I know and share your pain everyday. I was 19 when this started for me. I have lived almost half my life like this. I have lost myself.

  9. I left my husband who I believe is abusive 8 months ago. I find myself still thinking about the relationship everyday, every minute. I constantly second guess my decision and wonder if I should do what he says and just come home. We see each other, but I don’t find it has gotten better. Maybe toned down some, but the disrespect, blaming, and put-downs are still there.

  10. I left my abusive husband three weeks ago. I had been almost housebound with rheumatoid arthritis, I couldn’t drive and my anxiety was so bad I couldn’t even pick up the phone to ring friends. The last straw was when he hit my 5yo son. I realised I would just have to find a way to manage despite being so unwell. Within three days, I could drive again. By the end of the first week I was making phonecall without even thinking about it. And best of all, I could walk without a stick, I could go up and down stairs, I could get my two boys dressed and ready for school. I am still staying with friends at this point, but I am now confident I will be able to manage.

    • Our bodies react physically to the stress of abuse. Dr. Gabor Mate’ has some great YouTube videos about his book. When The Body Says No.

    • Quick update: It is just over a year since I got out, and I am doing well. I still see my abuser because of my boys, and that can be hard sometimes He is still trying to get me back. I have started the process to separate our finances. He is dragging his feet on that. I found housing through an organisation that provides supported accommodationfor women with children leaving abusive relationships. They meet with me every week to see how I am going and provide support. The boys are much happier, though they have to spend three nights a fortnight with Dad. My 12 yo son doesn’t want to spend time with him. I am slowly working out what to do next. Divorce and hopefully an annulment are in the not to distant future.

  11. My abuser is my mother.she wishes i was dead.my abuser is my society they all wish i was dead..i wish i can die.if having a good heart and caring for everyone till it hurts makes you worthless than i wish i was dead..i die tonight.god forgive me.may be i really dont deserve to live.to expect some love.some kindness is too much i ask .i dont wish to be a pain to anyone.all i wished is fr everyone to be happy…

    • You can’t make anyone happy but yourself. Your abuser is going to be unhappy with you no matter what you do, so you may as well start looking after your own needs and desires. We all want “everyone” to be happy, but that’s a dream that won’t come true.

    • Anonymous says:

      Hang in there. Start praying. Make Jesus your best friend. He will not let you down. Ask for His help. Ask Him to show you the way. Look for the subtle signs He will give you. Thank Him for a beautiful sky, a pretty flower, for His protection. He will respond. I’ve felt the same as you. You cannot change people. This will help with your struggle. I’ve been treated awfully repeatedly by those I don’t know and those I love dearly. Peace will come, you just have to believe. He will carry you through these dark times. I have found that when my mind races, I just repeat to myself “Thank you Lord” over and over. He will show His love, His mercy and sooth your anxiety and unrest.

      • I agree! I have suffered a very hard adult life. I am currently trying to mend the “destructive “damage of a recent 10 yr marriage that flipped from who he (said) he was, to cruel and demeaning behaviors of CONTROL WHICH escalated to him raging, and eventually Raging (at me) public, which is another level of “terror” and PTSD Like I’ve never experienced! I am a survivor of a previous domestically abusive relationship (escaped in 1992,) scar on my face and four kids, including infant twins.
        This IS NOT love or patience. These types of rages make me shake (or quake) for six to eight weeks after. I agree with speaking “positive affirmations” of God’s protection, safety and Love!! Pray without ceasing…talk to God all day! Repeat affirmations. Memorize good scriptures! I used this one often…”they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint!” Yay! Also, “I am more than a “conquerer” thru Christ!” And “If God is with me…who can be against me?” Repeat these throughout the days. God will come!!! He’ll meet you at your need. God is love, patience, kindness, self control, understanding…when I am on the receiving end of these “fits of LOUD RAGE,” I feel under attack, survival mode (fight or flight) imminent danger, instant fear, visibly shaking, heart pounding, I must flee (before he hits me) and TERROR! …For WEEKS, I hate myself, shake deep inside, feel humiliated, unimportant, insignificant, unloved, dehumanized, resented, contempt, devalued and “abandoned” for days or weeks. No phone calls or texts, no affection, never…an apology or ammendI’m being punished for making him “have to rage” again, cause that’s what “I deserve.”
        .”It’s been six months!!!! I still am unwinding from five years of spinning! Wound “tight” with fear and anxiety The internal destruction of this relationship on my “Spirit” (no compliments, no affection, no words of praise or appreciation, no pats on the back, no gentleness, no touch) is “far more damaging” and deep rooted than the physical pain of my previous (violent) relationship. Which took me fifteen years to heal completely.
        It has never been this hard to reprogram, unwind, de-esculate, heal and pull myself up by the bootstraps and walk. The absolute internal destruction of my self esteem, confidence, ability, intelligence, experience, wisdom, humor and most of all “trust” in Love (and men) have lead to my Broken Spirit! And empty Soul.
        He lied. He duped me! After fifteen years of healing, how did I let this happen again?” GUILT AND SELF LOATHING!!!!!

      • Save the prayer for church and actually come up with something concrete to help.

      • Love love love your post!!!! God bless you

    • Is your society a religion? Don’t ever give up. You aren’t the one who is bad. It is very painful. You tried to overcome the impossible.

  12. Sheryl Lanthier says:

    The problem with the verbal abuser is he or she doesn’t see themselves. You can try and please and tippy toe around them putting yourself on the back burner and it will never be enough. They will cut you down to your soul and then turn around and ask what’s wrong are you in a bad mood?? You will always be blamed for their short comings because you are supposed to be a mind reader and agree with their ideas otherwise you are against them when actually you just have a mind of your own. People say I’m a really strong person but when you live with someone that treats you that way you feel anything but strong!! It diminishes the real you who’s dying to come out and be happy!!

    • So True!!!

      • Find a way out! I agree with Ed…. save the prayers for church and find a concrete exit plan. I mist exited an abusive relationship… it only took me 2 months…. blocked him at every turn. Get real…. learn setting boundaries… get strong and tKe back your personal power.

    • Sheryl, This is exactly what I’m going through now. No matter how much I do or what I do it’s always wrong. He puts me down and yells at me for the most insignificant reason then 5 minutes later he’s asking me why I’m in a bad mood and I have to put a fake smile on or it will cause another argument. I am constantly trying to explain to him that I can’t read his mind if he wants or needs something he has to ask me but he’ll say stuff like “It’s just common sense” or “women are stupid and need details”. If I ever disagree with him then he says I’m never on his side and I put everyone else above him. I’ve always been aware that he is verbally abusive with me but I didn’t think it would affect me but 14 years later I’m a mess and can’t bring myself to leave. Most of the time when we get into an argument he leaves, I feel strong enough to end our marriage until he comes back and cried to me promising me he’ll change, everything will be okay for a few days maybe even a week but then it happens again. And even knowing that I still stay. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me that I can’t be strong enough to leave.

    • You got this right! Thank you for saying this!

  13. Reading the examples of what happens to a person in an abusive marriage seemed like someone had just described my life. I never thought it or I would get to this point. I’m not sure where to go from here or what direction to go.

  14. I am 24 with low wage n cannot afford a place of my own n haven’t got the family to stay with I don’t want to call the police what options do I have ?

    • Please contact your nearest domestic violence support centre. They will be able to help you come up with a plan

  15. Anonymous says:

    I left my verbally/emotionally abusive husband 5 months ago, but still feel so guilty about everything. I always thought I was a strong person, but now wonder, why did his words affect me so much? People keep telling me not to care what he says or thinks, and to just move on. But I feel mentally drained. He is fine…and I’m struggling to feel good about life. Not sure how this is possible.

    • He’s fine because you are carrying his weight. His guilt. His crazy. He needs to be in your line of sight and he needs to see your pain. He feeds on it. Best thing I did was go no-contact. It gets better. But slowly. I’m a year and a couple of months ahead of you. It’s very painful, I know, but he’s not fine. He needs to convince both of you that he is. He’s still brainwashing you. YOU’RE fine. You always were.

  16. Matilda says:

    I seriously need help…this write up is all about me. I’m suffering from verbally abusive marriage from my husband. I live in fear, threat and torments. Please I need help, sometimes I lost control of my self. …I talk to my self as if I’m crazy.

  17. Danielle says:

    I have been verbally and emotionally abused by my ex husband and his family for years…..they use my kids against me, they have turned my son totally against me, and now it is to the point where I am in pain constantly. Either my back, neck and shoulders, or my stomach….it is horrible! I am trying to get my youngest daughter out of their home, as she is so conflicted because she hasn’t gotten the chance to get to really know me, and she is being told all sorts of horrible things about me from everyone in that household and the families outside the household. She knows I am not what they say, but she is terrified to stand up for herself because she doesn’t want to end up in the same position as her sister (who moved in with me and is being treated really badly over there now). I have no way to prove that it is going on, because she won’t talk to anyone about it but me. I also have pretty severe anxiety and depression now as well. Is there any help out there to help me prove this in court so I can save my daughter??? I have already lost my son, and couldn’t bear to lose another!

    • I have no idea if you can prove it in court. You could take your daughter and yourself to family therapy which would help the both of you. Whether or not your psychologist could/would testify in court is unknown – you have to ask. But attend therapy together so your daughter can become stronger and perhaps move in with you. I don’t know how old she is, but if she’s of age, she could talk to the judge and maybe the judge would see it her way.

      Your questions are legal ones, and unfortunately, I cannot answer them.

  18. That’s me

  19. I’m in tears right now, I freed myself from an emotional and physical relationship 3 years ago. I felt great. Thought I was ready one and a half years ago when I met a man that I thought was wonderful. I expressed I had issues. I had no idea the new relationship wasn’t real, I ignored myself when I thought things weren’t right. Then I found out he was lying to me for most of year and a half about an emotional affair he was still having with an ex. He wasn’t over her yet. I can accept that. I wasn’t ready to handle the situation on a healthy level. I felt I was crazy, circular emotions going nowhere, no closure or understanding, I accepted his behavior wanting to fix it. What can I do? I’m still a wreck. He has no idea why I handle this situation like I have. My lack of self-worth has made him not value me. I don’t know how to approach this. Should I walk away? I will show him the image of traits that I have shown. Maybe he will understand better that I need help and patience to get past this sensitive situation.

    • Sandy, beautiful soul, it is not your lack of self-worth that makes him not value you; rather, it is his lack of commitment and need for attention from his ex. Please walk away! You were healthy and happy for 3 years without him and he’s not ready for the deep love you desire. I also am one that has the tendency to involve myself in abusive relationships. I think counseling will help you tremendously. Best of luck!

      • I agree with Shelly. This is not about you or your lack of self worth. This is about him still being attached to his ex. You deserve someone who is 100% committed to you. I know it is hard to walk away, but you have done it once before. You are a strong woman, you can manage on your own.
        I also think it would be beneficial to see a counsellor.

  20. The more I read your stories is the more I realize how real this is. I was in denial about my boyfriend’s emotional and verbal abusive behavior but now it’s getting physical now and I am scared. He criticizes everything about me- what I eat, how I eat, what I watch, the music I listen to, my Christianity, the kind of job I do, the way I laugh -everything! I can go on and on. I lost my job at some point and he took care of me, when I eventually got a job (three months later) he made me feel bad about it. I feel as if I owe him as he constantly reminds me how he took care of me for three month when I was not working.
    Whenever we have an argument (which is almost everyday) he tell me I am the worst woman he has ever been in a relationship with, I am useless and stupid.
    He is much older than me so I sometimes think that my intelligence is way below his and that is probably the reason why he sees me the way he does. I try my best, I respect him but it’s just not enough. I feel guilty when I think about leaving him because it will seem as if I am doing it because I am now working- as if I was using him.
    I am seven months pregnant with him baby and I want what’s best for my child. I don’t want him to grow up without a father because I know how it feels like- yet I don’t want my child to be raised under abuse.
    He pushes me when he’s angry, he turn into a real wild animal and threatens to hurt me- and I believe him, he is capable. He has done it on his previous relationship and I know it is only a matter of time until he does it to me.
    I don’t know if it’s alcohol because he drinks wine everyday (excessively)- it is only when he is sober that we have better days.
    I can write a book about everything that I am going through, it’s just too much. But all I can say is I need help.

    • I am so sorry you are going through this.

      Don’t feel guilty about leaving. He is being physically and emotionally abusive. He has you convinced you are not intelligent, and that you owe him. A man who loves you and respects you will not make you feel guilty about not working for three months. Not will he tell you you are useless and stupid. He would also not ridicule your faith.

      Please contact your nearest DOmestic Violence centre. They can help you make a plan to leave.
      Believe me, it is better for a child to grow up without a father than growing up with an abusive father.

      Praying for you

    • me to ,wish i could give you hope or an answer

  21. What do you do wen it hurts so bad and you have no where to go cause your too embarrassed?
    Mesa AZ

  22. Personally, I’ve been ridiculed many times by my sister for my being on depression meds related to a drunk driver, who was 0.186 BAC, who killed himself in trying to kill me on the road with his car while I was driving in mine. That was 1992. However, I was not treated properly when the depression came upon me and still have symptoms of depression and PTSD, now. She is inhumane and was for the 4 years I lived in what was called her condo which she doesn’t pay for (our father does), but she constantly threatened to throw me out. Once, because I wouldn’t give her my cigarette lighter. My family members haven’t taken a stand for me or directly against her. More to write, but I’ve been able to escape her by way of a friend who brought me into his home with his wife and stepson. Even my father told me coldly to “find another place to live” after I didn’t want to walk her dog for her. My mother said I could stay at this condo, but passed away in April, 2014. After that, things got real bad for me. I was even approached by the F.B.I. at the local hospital which was amazing, but not completely awkward since that hospital was mean to me. I started going to another hospital after that one hospital had been so mean to me. I am trying to keep hope for a good life. Let me know what you think. Thank you.

  23. It’s not just the words that hurt. It’s these results and it’s how the abuser can get others to see you as crazy. If you act jumpy, the abuser calmly shrugs and implies, “See? Crazy”. It’s the subtle remarks behind your back about how worried he is about you, or how he wants to be better able to handle your ( insert words here ). My husband was extremely charasmatic. The party boy. “We” had a large group of friends, all gathered and sorted out over the years by him. When I finally left it was because of a final breakdown. They all supported him. I waited too long and hoped too much. Don’t follow my example. Rebuilding my life after 28 years of hell. It doesn’t get easier. It gets harder if you wait.

  24. I’m scared to leave. I have been wanting to leave since 2008. I have been verbally and physically abused by him since my father passed away. I am a single child and have no other family to call to help me. I have no friends and my co-workers I cannot communicate with accept at work. He will call all my co-workers to check on me. He is always questioning and accusing me of being manipulative. I just want to live a life where I feel I have choices and can do stuff that makes me happy. I feel I cant have any emotions around him. If I cry Im called a baby and other choice words of that nature, if I get mad at him abusing me he tells me Im trying to be the man. If I dont give him a reaction and try to avoid or ignore it then I am crazy. I dont know what to do to make him happy and it seems the more I try the more I make the situation worse and he gets madder. I just want to be loved and cared for. I have never asked him for money, clothes, jewelry, etc.. I am not a material girl. I just ask to be respected and treated like a human. He says I dont deserve it, I have to earn it. I try and I still cant get him to accept me for me. I have not been out with any of my friends or family since 2008. Im starting to feel lonely. I know its wrong to think this but I often think of death, actually alot lately. Im so depressed and I was a strong person before he starting being so controlling. Why cant I just be happy? I drive down the road and see a man and woman holding hands walking or in a store I see a man helping his wife get groceries. I start to get teary eyed and crying or sometimes feel jealous asking myself why cant I find someone to treat me good,, why cant I be loved like that… My whole life has gone downhill since my father died and my husband uses that against me all the time since he knows its a button that will seriously hurt me since I was extremely close with my father. I just feel trapped and no listens. I tried last year to call him mother in private one day and let me heart lead by telling her I love him but let her know what he is doing to me. I though maybe she would help me or talk to him, but the only words that came out of her mouth were, well why are you pissing him off and what am I doing to cause him to be so mad at me. She made me feel so stupid and ignorant just like what he calls me. I feel I have been so shamed that I am worthless and there is really not a place for me on this earth. People are so heartless. Sorry to be so long never get to talk to people so Im just venting to a computer.

    • J, you are not alone.

      My mother-in-law said the same to me. She was divorced by her husband over 40 years ago. At which point she glommed onto her son.

      Interestingly, he lied about his parents’ marriage situation and continues to lie about when he found out about their divorce.

      His mom told me that she can’t approach him about his alcoholism or sex/porn/fantasy addiction because she “can’t risk losing him”.

      Our teenage son has chosen his side. Of course, mom has no money because she stayed home to raise & homeschool him.

      Packing my stuff as I am leaving soon. I signed on for a forever marriage, but he checked out completely when I became pregnant with our son in 2000.

      Chin up…

  25. i sometimes wish for my saviour to release me from this burdon of hatred and powerlessness…

  26. i surely dont need books i think i can write one..

  27. I have suffered abuse my entire life and I cannot remember at any point feeling worse than I do now. I am fighting to manage a disability caused by physical abuse from my ex-husband and triggered by the stress & exhaustion of my job. I am on the verge of losing my job and all the while trying to provide emotional support for my abusive ex-husband during his prostate cancer treatment. Because I have no family support and he was all alone I thought perhaps we could help each other through these trying times and given the circumstances his behavior would be better. However, knowing full well his abuse caused me to have cervical dystonia he continues to be verbally abusive causing stress that invokes the rapid, dibilitating physical spasms and contortions of my dystonia fully knowing that I’m going to lose my job because of it. Meanwhile I’m at my job where I’m being bullied and mobbed so the combined abuse is more than I can take. However, the feeling of being all alone while being terrorized by my employer continues to have me try again and again to get the needed support from him. With being so sick, working so many hours to save my job, and promising to be there for the ex through his cancer treatment I could have no relationship or time with friends. Combining this with all of his isolation, and my other familial dysfunction I have no one else in my life at this time. I am so down on myself despite my little pep talks. I have repeat issues as an attractive tiny blonde female electrical engineer in a male world therefore seeing no opportunity to come out from underneath any of this employment stuff. I have additional health issues that are becoming increasingly debilitating and have also started to impact my ability to work. I have very little money to retire on because of song my career aside for his business and him decimating our retirement account. He smokes and with grand gestures and pays off bills that he created and then guilt trips me because of it and all the while he makes promises, then insults and disrespects me and then after getting me all upset and miserable physically and depressed beyond belief he leaves me all alone knowing full well that is the one thing that really really hurts me.

    I am aware of this abusive pattern, I have gotten therapy excetera excetera but that does not help when you are alone while dealing with such traumatic life issues and illnesses. And on this he preys…

    I have lost the one thing that I never thought I would, I lost my spark of hope and I don’t want to ignite it anymore. I can see no reason

  28. Leighann Gee says:

    I was mentally abused for 5 yrs by my first boyfriend when I was 20 .I knew it wasn’t my fault but why I stayed I have no idea maybe I was afraid of being alone .I believe this caused me to change into something I never wanted to be .I have trouble in other relationships now i feel like I’m the abuser .deep down inside I’m a good person I think this abuser really messed me up

  29. I am 41 years old, I have a wonderful husband of 22 years,3 amazing children and my problem is that I grew up with my father who was the worst in many ways, everyday I was a fat ugly handicap dumbass who never did anything right, I have 8 brothers and they can do no wrong, I have never been in trouble with the law and I hate that I don’t like myself and my husband hates it more, I wish I could look in a mirror and like what I see people always say that I am beautiful but I am not good at taking compliments and I hurt my husband who saved me from the abuse of my father it was beating and name calling all day everyday and I have to get over it.my husband says that if I don’t love myself then how can I love him or our children and i just don’t know what to do,..

    • Cathleen, I think it would be beneficial for you to find a psychologist who specialises in childhood abuse. This isn’t something you can just get over. You probably have deep hurt and trauma from the way your father treated you. It sounds like your husband loves you very much and would support you in this. I hope you find the help you need.

  30. I still feel these pains fears and phobias even after my marriage ended in early 2015 I still can’t be me I feel I’m going crazy and nobody can help cause nobody understands how or why I feel this way… I’ve learned to almost enjoy the pain.. I need help but nothing and nobody works.. Am I just doomed to dwell in my own mind and shatter every fragment of my being? Or can I actually go a day without thinking I would be better gone? Can you answer this?

    • Hi,

      My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. Recovery from abuse takes time. For each person the length of time is different. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. There are many of us who do understand. We do offer a Mentoring Program. This is a free service. We have a wonderful group of women who can support you, via email, and offer guidance for as long as you need. Each of these women have been free from their own abusive relationship for a few years. If you would like to sign up please go to http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/ Take care

  31. Hello, I am writing from Nigeria and I’ve been a victim of verbal and physical abuse since I got married 3 years ago. My hubby is 2 years younger than I am. He never tells me sweet words, he’s never told me “I love you” except I complain about it. He doesn’t give me compliments but abuses. We dated a few months then I realized I was pregnant. As a tradition in Nigeria, if a man doesn’t pay the bride price of his wife and they both have kids together, the kids do not belong to the man.
    He got advised by his family to pay the bride price for that purpose I think (maybe not for love’s sake). He did. The abuses began when I got pregnant and on the eve of the traditional marriage, he threw away my traditional jewelry for the marriage while we were driving from the market. The traditional marriage went on and he looked forlorn all threw the event. I have a very good 8-5 job and I settle all the family bills. He does buying and selling business but has an unstable income. The little money he makes, he spends on the home but I pay the rent and bought the car in my name which he has claimed as his. I didn’t bother. During little arguments, he calls me all sorts of names. Some time ago, he discovered some of my conversations with my exs on facebook while I had not met him. I opened up about my past relationship with a colleague in the office before we met and ever since, he became a Saint and calls me unimaginable names. He would tell me how useless I am, how he delivered me from a harlotery life, how he would end the marriage and go away with the kids without me ever setting my eyes on them just coz he paid my bride price.
    Five months after I had out first daughter, I became pregnant again. This time it was hell on earth. I almost lost my life coz I had my baby via CS. He hit me on the head while I was pregnant the second time, his anger was so much coz he claimed he wasn’t prepared for another child. A few weeks into the pregnancy, he drove me to a pharmacy and bought abortion pills and water to end the pregnancy. I refused and this caused a scene in public as I had to come of the car a trekked on to get a cab. This went on until I put to bed while he was away out of the country. So many times we have discussed a new business, I bring the money and it dies. I go to work, pay the kids school fees, stock their cereals, clean the home to my capabilities and cook. He doesn’t like to see me lying down or resting, he complains about that all the time. He he takes long naps without wanting to be disturbed.
    On Christmas Eve, my aunt (my mum is late and he is an orphan) came around to pay us a visit and the war started again. He helps with the chores sometimes and whenever he does, he rants and quarrels with everyone in the house. And in my aunt’s presence, he called my several awful names and rained abuses on me. I tried to explain some things to him but he threatened to deal with me if I uttered a word.
    Just yesterday, he complained about a socket my younger brother spoilt. I told him I confirmed who spoilt it from my brother and he hit the bread toaster on my head claiming I didn’t tell him with respect. He abused me with all y past. I reported the incident immediately to my aunt and one of his elder brother.
    I overhead him on a phone conversation that he doesn’t want to see my face anywhere around him.
    We live in a 3 bedroom apartment and share the same room (masters bedroom), some days ago, he threw the washing machine out and the bag of used clothes including mine except his. I had to move out my stuffs to one of the other room while I vacated the room for him. He still came to the room one morning abusing me that I’ve gone back to my life of prostitution. I am not writing this piece to seek for anyone’s support of me as I have my flaws and must have erred in some ways to my husband. I can go on and on. I am only human. All I ask is your candid advise and counsel as I have never discussed any of these with a friend or our clergy man. I need peace, I need to be happy. Thanks and God bless you.
    Best Regards,
    Elizabeth.

    • Hello Elizabeth, Thank you so much for writing and sharing some of your story. First off I want to let you know that you are not alone, we are here to offer support. Second I want to say that none of this is your fault. Yes you may have your own personal faults but in no way does that ever ok someone being allowed to abuse you. Abusive relationships are all about one person wanting power and control over another person. They achieve this through fear and intimidation, by breaking down their victim. All the things that you have listed, that your husband has done, is abuse. Many abusers increase their level of abuse when a woman becomes pregnant. My ex was similar to yours with my second pregnancy. He did not want the pregnancy and pushed me down a flight of stairs as a result. Thankfully my baby survived. I am concerned for you and the level of violence that is happening in your marriage. Abusers usually hide the abuse from others. When they do start showing it in front of others (like your Aunt) it means they are feeling very powerful and almost untouchable, that they can get away with whatever bad behaviour they want to do. I am concerned that the violence in your marriage will continue to climb and that you or your children will get seriously hurt or worse. Have you ever created a Safety Plan? If not a Safety Plan is like creating a fire drill, but for leaving your abusive relationship safely. If you do plan to leave I urge you to not tell your husband as often the most dangerous time for a victim is when they plan to leave or have just left. If you would like to create a Safety Plan you can use ours by following this link. When you open the page just scroll to the bottom to download it for free; http//verbalabusejournals.com/how-to-stop-abuse/safety-planning/
      I also encourage you to think about creating a secret email address. If your husband suspects that you are seeking support he may start going through your online accounts. Many Survivors of Domestic Violence have secret email addresses and social media accounts (like facebook, but just using a fake name) to hide from their abuser, but still be able to seek support.

      I would also like to suggest signing up for a Mentor Program. We have a group of women who have all been there and have been out of their abusive relationship for a few years. They offer free support via email for as long as you need it. If you would like to sign up please follow this link; http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/

      Take care and be safe,

      Janet-Verbal Abuse Journals

  32. Kassi Cherry says:

    I’ve recently left my home that I shared with my fiance. We lived together for 3 years. He was extremely verbally abusive and even though I begged him to get help with his insecurities and to please stop drinking, he didn’t hear me until I left. The feelings I have, results from the abuse have become so strong that I no longer could contain them and I began to act out with physical violence. I went to jail charged with domestic assault. I live in my own home now and we still talk and occasionally go do something together. I began therapy immediately after my arrest, 6 months ago. I moved out of his house 2 months ago, two weeks ago he began therapy and alcohol treatment. I’m confused on what to do here, I am emotionally afraid of him, I don’t trust him with my heart but I do love him still. Can it all be healed? The question I ask myself is, is he being Earnest in his efforts to conquer his inner demons or is this just another ploy to get me to come back? I don’t know. I won’t return if I’m not 100% sure.

    • Dear Kassi, Thank you for your comments and for sharing some of your story. You have been through a lot. I admire your strength. To answer your main question, it is very common for an abuser to seek treatment/therapy once you finally leave. Yes it is usually an attempt to win you back. The first time my ex husband was arrested he seeked counselling and then once I took him back he came up with excuses as to why he was not going back. It was a ploy to make me break down my walls and take him back. Once he did that then the abuse only escalated. I would be very leery that this sudden treatment/therapy is legit and not a ploy. Also for there to be any serious change he would need to be in counselling for a couple of years. His issues cannot be solved in just a few sessions. Please be careful and trust your instinct, it does not lie to you. Take care, Janet – Verbal Abuse Journals

  33. I don’t know what to do. My wife is physically and emotionally abusive towards me. I have turned to drugs in a bad way and now that the truth is out on the table I’m a “worthless drug addict. Absent father. Useless. ” the list goes on. I was convinced that I have a communication problem and everything was my fault. I do all the house work the grocery shopping the laundry cook all the meals and work three jobs. I’m financially stuck and want out. I have two beautiful children, a 3 month old and a 4 year old. I have started to think about suicide on a regular basis. I feel that my children would be better with a different father in their life’s. I’m a worthless partner and a horrible father. I’m ripping these kids off of a good dad and my wife off of a good husband I’m afraid I’m going to hurt myelsf

    • Okay. Harris, now that you know the problem is abuse (and NOT you), you can deal with the addiction and probable depression. Go talk to your doctor and get the ball rolling on repairing those things. Abuse victims often turn to self-medication for pain, so you’re not alone in your use of substances. However, as you know, substance abuse is not a positive coping skill. It may be scary to confront the pain without the substance, but you can do it.

      You aren’t worthless. If you die by suicide, your children will NEVER get over it. Plus, their chances of doing the same increase dramatically. Visit http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ and call or chat. They can find local sources of help for you to clean up move forward.

      I know it’s hard, but put your wife’s assessment of you out of your mind. Abusers call us what they are; although she may or may not be addicted to a substance, she is addicted to putting you down so she feels better (and isn’t that why you grabbed the substance? to feel better?). I’m sure she is a non-attentive mother even if she is with the children physically, and all abusers are worthless. Who needs them anyway? What redeeming qualities are there?

      And she says YOU’RE a bad spouse? That’s a laugh. See – they call you what they are.

      Anyway, Harris, get help. Stay alive – death is not a guarantee of peace. And your beautiful babies need their daddy.

  34. Anonymous says:

    Thank you. My father has been abusing me verbally all my life. Thank you.

  35. I’ve suffered verbal and emotional abused,and physical abuse at time for 20 years unfortunately. I have no parents living. None of my siblings care. Mind games and manipulation as well. I’m finally getting out of it soon. I’ve had enough.I fear for my safety.

  36. I’m afraid I will never be able to have the kind of relationship I deserve

    • Hi Carrie,

      Thank you for commenting. May I ask why you think you will never have the relationship you deserve? I know we have never met, but I believe that you are a beautiful person who deserves great things.

  37. This is very informative information..ive got to get out of here as soon as I can I’m now 63 years old and I know I still have alot of life left.

  38. My father verbally abuses me but i never really thoughts much of physical abuse because getting spanked used to be a regular occurrence in our household. I can’t even say that I have a bad relationship with my father because we don’t have one. My brother is just like him and I haven’t had an actual conversation with him in maybe 5 years. I have depression and anxiety and a lot of it is because of my father. I don’t even like saying the word dad because to me dad is a form of endearment and I despise him. I want to die. I am 14 and I won’t be in college until I am 16. I feel so trapped and lately I’ve been seriously considering death. Please help me.

    • Hang in there.i grew up in the same situation.your nearly out.i know two years seems impossible but you will have the rest of your life to rebuild and never have to see him again.you will be in control of your life soon and it will be glorious,I promise.dont give up,don’t let the bastard win !!

    • Lilith, I hope you are OK. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner.

      Please call the Suicide Prevention Line if you feel suicidal. 1-800-273-8255

      No girl your age should have to live with what you are living with. It is no wonder you feel depressed an anxious. Have you spoken to your doctor about the depression? Is their an adult in your life who you can trust, who you can tell what is happening? You don’t mention your mother. Is she still around? Do you have a relative you could stay with?

      You could also ring a local Domestic Violence centre to see if they can help you.

  39. I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 7 years. Moved out of state with my kids (now 21 & 17), divorced my husband for him. I’ve been waiting for my son to graduate HS. He finally will be graduating. I just got an apartment. I feel so sick to my stomach…

  40. I’ve been verbally abused for 3 decades! I let a man make me feel like I wasn’t good enough and everyone else was more important. I let him lie to me and even though I knew he was lying I let it go. I gained weight and lost self esteem. I was nothing more than a paycheck to him. I finally left him but the effects are still there. I can’t believe anyone actually likes me, so I distance myself and react to things inappropriately. I realized today I need professional help. I will see a therapist soon.

  41. I am in a verbally abusive relationship.i have three small children.he is most abusive when drunk (3-4 nights a week) he will wake me in the night to tell me he’s only here for the kids and the usual insults of “worthless ” “stupid” ” useless mother” “pathetic ” “a pig” etc.but because of the long term alcohol abuse (since he was 12) he simply blacks out during the nightly tirades so I am literally the only person in my world that sees what’s happening and now I even doubt it. even on the nights he’s “nice” I still hear those insults in my head over and over and over again.i think I’m going mad?!?! No one has any idea what the last twelve years have been like for me.hes a high functioning alcaholic (like both my parents were) so littrally everyone else including my three young boys think he’s amazing.im the one who’s a mess.and he’s right,I have been so hard to live with,crying,anxiety attacks never just relaxing and enjoying “family time”.i just feel like everyone would be happier long term if I just disappeared.x

    • Monique, I am so sorry you are struggling with this alone. Abuse is very isolating and can certainly make you doubt your sanity. Do you have a mobile phone? Or some sort of recorder? Maybe next time, you could record what happens. That way, you will be able to confirm for yourself what is happening when you doubt yourself, and you will have evidence to show someone you trust, though I don’t thing it can be used as legal evidence.
      Abusers are so good at hiding what they are doing, and convincing their victim it is the victim’s fault. I want you to know that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not crazy, or too sensitive, or over-reacting.
      If your boys still think he is amazing, hopefully they have not been deeply impacted so far, but they will be aware of the tension. They will be aware of their father’s disrespect towards you. Children who grow up in an abusive household are at greater risk of either growing up to be abusive or becoming a victim themselves.

      Please contact your nearest Domestic Violence centre, or ring the national hotline, 1-800-799-7233 .

      Put together a Safety plan for you and your kids. http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/

      Next time he comes home drunk, please consider calling the police.

      Praying for your safety.

  42. I can certainly identify with what she is saying. I left my abusive husband 3 years ago and still find myself doing things that I logically question but ignore anyway. And someone asked me.. what do you like to do?? What makes you happy?? What are your plans?? My mind goes blank! I feel I’m just treading water.

  43. Jamie Fields says:

    Does anyone have millions of dollars so we can set up beautiful hotels for all of the abused women (myself included). And moving trucks so we can get all of our memories out safely. And storage facilities and jobs. It is a really sad world when a victim has to make “escape plans” and possibly leave pets and children behind that will surely by abused when you leave. It is humiliating for me to post that I am a victim. Almost two years with him. It feels like 10. I was not the docile victim. I fought back because i couldn’t understand why a seemingly rational man (in the beginning) would twist things around and blame me for his ex cheating on him and blatantly lie. It has cost me more than I can bare to share here. He has me out in the middle of nowhere in a state I’ve never lived before. I have a resume at every place available. Nothing yet. He gives me $20 a week for gas, threatens to have me removed. It was only two weeks ago I started looking up verbal Abuse and realized it was a “real thing”. And that I was involved in a severe form of it with the controlling aspect far more dangerous than anything. He has all the neighbors for miles tracking my whereabouts and he calls me everything under the sun he can think of to draw the most “blood”. Since my recent self education on abuse I have been calmer and I do not engage. This has caused the threats to become worse. He plays loud heavy metal music against the wall so I can’t read or sleep at night. We no longer sleep in the same room. He has called all my family who live across the country and charmed them. They think I just have the “winter blues” and I should get over it or get out. I would love to pack up my truck and drive away. It’s hard to open your heart to someone and be vulnerable. I’ts even harder to then have to close it. I don’t think there is a verbal abuse page I haven’t read. My only option seems to be a shelter. There is no rescuer. There is no good advice. My plan is to be fake to just to keep the peace-though I have and there still is no peace now- anyway as soon as I get a job I will save what I can so as not to be a burden on anyone. My family says I got myself into this I can get myself out. I have a class A CDL and drove semi’s 13 years ago. I still have the license but not the skill. I just want a small quiet place and a job at a coffee shop or something mindless until I get past this huge mistake in my life. I shake when I hear his truck come up the driveway. I can’t eat. There is no food in the house. I drink water and look for online jobs for now. Death has seemed like the only option for a few months now the only thing that keeps me looking forward are these stories. I thought I was alone. I’ve read every comment here and I’m crying for all of us. Seems these abusers look for the strong smart ones to break. I guess it makes their high better and the further down they break us the stronger they feel.

    I would like to find other women in my area in the same situation, get together for coffee and come up with a better plan and encouragement until we can get out….

    If you’re looking for a good book to read that relates to our situation Alice Hoffman’s fiction “Here on Earth” gave me courage to decide in my heart to disconnect and leave no matter how long it takes.

    Love to everyone here…

  44. Jamie Fields says:

    Does anyone have millions of dollars so we can set up beautiful hotels for all of the abused women (myself included). And moving trucks so we can get all of our memories out safely. And storage facilities and jobs. It is a really sad world when a victim has to make “escape plans” and possibly leave pets and children behind that will surely by abused when you leave. It is humiliating for me to post that I am a victim. Almost two years with him. It feels like 10. I was not the docile victim. I fought back because i couldn’t understand why a seemingly rational man (in the beginning) would twist things around and blame me for his ex cheating on him and blatantly lie. It has cost me more than I can bare to share here. He has me out in the middle of nowhere in a state I’ve never lived before. I have a resume at every place available. Nothing yet. He gives me $20 a week for gas, threatens to have me removed. It was only two weeks ago I started looking up verbal Abuse and realized it was a “real thing”. And that I was involved in a severe form of it with the controlling aspect far more dangerous than anything. He has all the neighbors for miles tracking my whereabouts and he calls me everything under the sun he can think of to draw the most “blood”. Since my recent self education on abuse I have been calmer and I do not engage. This has caused the threats to become worse. He plays loud heavy metal music against the wall so I can’t read or sleep at night. We no longer sleep in the same room. He has called all my family who live across the country and charmed them. They think I just have the “winter blues” and I should get over it or get out. I would love to pack up my truck and drive away. It’s hard to open your heart to someone and be vulnerable. I’ts even harder to then have to close it. I don’t think there is a verbal abuse page I haven’t read. My only option seems to be a shelter. There is no rescuer. There is no good advice. My plan is to be fake to just to keep the peace-though I have and there still is no peace now- anyway as soon as I get a job I will save what I can so as not to be a burden on anyone. My family says I got myself into this I can get myself out. I have a class A CDL and drove semi’s 13 years ago. I still have the license but not the skill. I just want a small quiet place and a job at a coffee shop or something mindless until I get past this huge mistake in my life. I shake when I hear his truck come up the driveway. I can’t eat. There is no food in the house. I drink water and look for online jobs for now. Death has seemed like the only option for a few months now the only thing that keeps me looking forward are these stories. I thought I was alone. I’ve read every comment here and I’m crying for all of us. Seems these abusers look for the strong smart ones to break. I guess it makes their high better and the further down they break us the stronger they feel.

    Love and a lotta luck to everyone here…

  45. My husband is emotionally abusive. We’ve been together 18 years. We have two kids 14 and 16. He is ruthless. He has always slept extremely late on the weekends and I have always had to keep the kids quiet, because God help you if you work him up. He calls me “fat & nasty” and pig as if those were my name. He tells me I am not that great. He tells me I am a bad mother, piece of shit. He has gotten me fired from jobs by calling repeatedly.

    When I was unemployed he would tell me if I wanted money I needed to deserve it and would ask me what I did to deserve it. He has isolated me from my family & friends. We moved far far away from all of them. I am not allowed to visit them because it’s a vacation to go fuck around. He won’t go with me because my family is nothing but a bunch of piece of shit losers. My best friend is a classless whore.

    He ignores me sometimes for days. Acts like I am killing him if I even try to have a conversation with him, he never even looks away from the TV or his phone. If I get a phone call he suddenly has to talk to me and its important. If I don’t get right off he starts being loud and rude. He ruins every holiday, birthday, special occasion, except his. He has never so much as give me a card for my birthday, or valentines day.

    He constantly tells me he can get so much better. He tells me he doesn’t love me, he can’t stand me, and that he wants a divorce. He’s said this for at least the last 13 years. I tell him go ahead then. Go do it. But he never does. “He has a plan” is all he ever says.

    He tells me to get out of his house. He has locked me out, changed the locks and refused to let me in until I agree to do whatever he wants. His newest thing is accusing me of leaving the house in the middle of the night to go “f*ck my boyfriend”. He accuses me of sleeping with every man I work with at every job I have ever had. If I work late he will ask who I am f*cking the second I walk in the door.

    I stopped sleeping in the same room as him about 9 years ago. We haven’t had sex in years because I avoid it. He says it’s because he wouldn’t touch me ever again because I disgust him.

    He has treated me bad in front of my family. My mother came to visit and right in front of her he threw a phone book at me while I was holding our daughter who was 3 weeks old. He has verbally abused my grandmother as well.

    But in public, he is totally different. His family is near us and in front of them you would think he was husband and father of the year. He wouldn’t dare act like that in front of them. As soon as we drive away he starts telling me how I did everything wrong and how he’s regretted marrying me since the beginning.

    He used to get physical at times. He has broken 2 of my fingers. I have a scar on my eyelid, because he back handed me and my glasses cut into it. I stood up to him once many years ago and told him I wanted him to leave. I called the police and told them I wanted him to leave. I didn’t tell them what he did because I didn’t want to send him to jail. They talked to him and next thing I know I am getting arrested. He filed a restraining order and I wasn’t allowed to go home or even see my kids who were 3 and 1 then.

    He closed the bank account. Hid my car so I couldn’t get it. I was homeless for a month. Then he had a friend call me to ask me to come talk. He figured I’d learned my lesson and I could come home. I did. I had been living in the streets and worried about my kids. Then he used the restraining order to control my every move.

    I left once and moved in with a friend for about 3 weeks. He would show up and yell through the front window if I didn’t answer his calls. He made such a scene that I got kicked out. The kids and I stayed at a coworkers house that night.

    The next day he showed up at my job being a lunatic. I got fired. I went home with the kids. I feel like I am stuck here. I can’t even take the kids and go back home with my family because this would force me to come back or to lose my kids. I have no family here and I have no friends. I don’t bother to make friends because he just embarrasses me in front of them.

    He does and says all of this stuff in front of our kids.They stay mostly in their rooms and avoid it. I have no self esteem. I don’t go anywhere but to work and the grocery store. He times me and then says it took me 5 hours. Reality is 2, but we live in the country and it is an hour ride round-trip.

    I feel trapped. He doesn’t want me. He won’t leave and always hunts me down and harasses me when I do leave. I wish I was dead, but I would never commit suicide. I would never leave my kids with him without me here. Thanks for listening it feels good to get it out.

  46. Peinado Diana says:

    Um a winner 100 out of 100
    Lived it for years
    Question is am i still been 23 yrs
    But i seem to get triggers of the past ( at least i feel its the past) idk ???

  47. Cynthia says:

    I breath deeply in and try to focus on the future, waiting for him to leave. Five years in this verbally abusive and controlling relationship, as some have commented – there is no rescuer coming. The circular thoughts that go through my mind is HOW did I let this happen. Was it my belief that no one could want to be this mean on purpose? I have the means to leave, although everything is in my name as I am the one that supports us both. What in the world have I done to my life – to let him overtake my will to be happy. I pray hard for God to remove him from my life, as I am curled in a fetal position with both fingers stiffed n my ears so I can’t hear all the hateful things he says over a two hour period. Why AM I STILL HERE??? Why can’t I act like a healthy person and make him leave? (I have tried – even calling the police – but he leaves for a little and then comes back as if nothing is wrong and I am afraid to make him angry…) Quite a cycle. Perspective appreciated.

    • Cynthia, the abuse is succeeding in making you question and blame yourself. “Why am I still here?” “How did I let this happen?” “How could I have been fooled?” (You didn’t really ask that last one, but referred to it in asking if you thought someone would not WANT to hurt another.)

      Find healthy answers to those questions that you agree with, and then you can move forward without being stuck in guilt.

      Here are possible answers:

      Why am I still here? Because the cycle of violence and control WORKS to the abuser’s advantage. It is normal human behavior to fall into this trap. That’s why abusers use it against us and why every type of person can get stuck in abuse.

      How did I let this happen? You didn’t ‘let’ anything happen. Your abuser caused this to happen. He set out on a plan (subconscious or not) to control you. To do that, he had to be stealthy. He had to trick you. These are things HE did that he is responsible for. You didn’t let this happen. You only tried to love him.

      How could I have been fooled? You are human. Every human can be fooled. Blaming yourself for being fooled keeps you trapped, questioning yourself. Forgive yourself if it helps, but put the blame on the person who wanted to fool you, not on yourself.

  48. Julia Dance says:

    I understand many of these sad stories. Please let me give you hope. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex partner for eighteen years. I made a big mistake moving from a dead relationship to someone I thought was strong and caring. Well as time went on my partner’s anxieties and low self esteem came to bear on me. I went from a self confident, happy person, the very qualities that attracted him, to a depressed, deeply unhappy shadow of myself. His brother did warn me that I would end up walking on egg shells around him. I didn’t listen and wasted 17 years of my life. It took me a year to get away and now I have my own place and my children who never stopped loving me are both successful and happy phone and visit often. I am only just out of the relationship but I feel so much more in charge of my life. I can invite my friends into my home, do what I want, when I want. I am no longer enslaved to a weak, bully. Yes, he phones every day, twice. Tries to make me justify what I am doing and constantly rise to do me favours! He is worried that I will find someone else. Soon he will move away as he is selling the flat we shared. Yes, I am being careful, part of me is sorry for him, butI only want the money I put in and have told him I will go to court to get what is mine. He doesn’t have anyone else as his own family know his cruel controlling ways but he needs to sort himself out. I now am empowered though I will take a long time to fully recover and really feel free. My children are so happy I am free of his control. All I can advise is that the Lord answers prayers in mysterious ways. I realised that my life was too good to waste like this. My daughter and son hate him for the abuse and fear they suffered until I left him but I returned to him later. Stupid me. I now do not let him treat me as before and will cut ties once the flat is sold. He cannot understand what went wrong??? I praise God for giving me the strength to go. It was a big risk but it was worth it. I am the happy person I used to be just living without his problems. Put your trust in God because he loves you,Don’t contemplate Death as a release. You deserve better and will get it. I pray for all those who need to escape this abuse. You have my love and belief that you too can be happy and free.

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