Vulnerability

vulnerability; I want to choose with whom to be vulnerable. I don't want to be vulnerable to these effects of abuse any longer. My abuser doesn't get that part of me now.I feel that anyone could lethally wound me with a glance. I feel exposed to many elements of my mind; exposed and in danger, not exposed and protected. My fiance, Jarimie, wants to protect me when I feel vulnerable. But how can he protect me from myself? From my thoughts and fears? He cannot do it and I don’t want him to try. I want to protect myself. Dammit.

I don’t know if my unwillingness to further expose my soul to Jarimie happened because of my own thoughts or if I’ve experienced something that reminds me of the abuse in my past. Perhaps I was triggered. Or maybe my own thoughts are my enemy.

Power of Vulnerability

No, that cannot be. My thoughts, by nature, would bring comfort because they emit from my soul. I would not think myself vulnerable. I would think myself strong. So thinking myself strong must be the perfect response to this unknown trigger that made me feel small.

Identifying the trigger will be uncomfortable to say the least. I wish I could simply leave it unknown. But I have to figure it out so I can release these icky feelings and be vulnerable to the one who loves me instead of feeling vulnerable to the whole world.

(Visited 47 times, 1 visits today)
About Kellie Jo Holly

Kellie Jo Holly passionately advocates against domestic violence through her writing and mentoring service. She loves helping women cope with abuse while in the relationship and supporting them as they leave the relationship and begin to heal. You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books from Amazon.

Comments

  1. Your first parag. is your truth.That is our Journey.We are learning to LOVE,PROTECT and Comfort Ourselves. We need to break patterns of filling in our blanks with other people. I think your instincts are telling you that. When we are broken and healing – Other people who thrive on helping/fixing fall in love with us and need us to need them..or it can be flipped the other way (which I have done 2) I found out that what I always thought was LOVE was 2 people filling in each others’ deficiencies..and neither becoming whole. I want to be a whole person – who then will be able to appreciate another whole person – and neither of us will NEED each other – The Harlequin Romance idea of completely ‘giving’ ourselves to someone and calling THAT love..is just not true.
    Anyway- I know you will find your answers – You do have good instincts and ARE rescuing yourself..Remember – your healing and journey always needs to come first..what is meant to be will always happen if you don’t go against your gut instincts… always gotta talk to the girls xoxo <3 You are strong Kellie and you ARE making it ! Trust yourself!

  2. I agree with beachboxer. You are undoubtedly gaining strength by acknowledging the fact that you are healing. And, you’re helping others, which is even a greater strength. Your book showed that as well.

What do you think? Tell us!

SiteLock