Last Year

He's like a tiny voice that annoys me sometimes but cannot discourage me from following my heart or from being the wonderful woman I am and always have beenAt the end of last year, before the separation, I wrote this:

Words that once had meaning make no sense. My brain is screaming, “LOSER!” while a piece of me patiently waits for a better time. Do I need to DO something to bring it about? ‘Cause all I want to do now is sleep and keep up the appearance of caring about the house.

I don’t (or wouldn’t) care if we ate off dirty plates. Wore dirty clothes. Neglected all our shit. I just don’t care.

But I WANT to care. I WANT to be productive and I want what I produce to replenish my and others’ needs – not deplete them.

Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired.

Why am I so tired? WHY?


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Well, that was last year. This year is different. I know there’s no “loser” in my brain. The words I speak to myself are so far from tired and depleted that I almost cannot remember writing that entry, almost cannot remember feeling that worthless and guilty.

There is no guilt in me today. I am no longer trying to be someone I’m not to keep the peace in my home. It never worked anyway.

This time last year I was labeled a liar, betrayer, selfish…and that hasn’t changed. He still tells me my priorities are fucked up, that I don’t care about my children.

The difference is this year I know I am not those things and that I never was.

It is better on this side. I am stronger. I don’t believe him anymore. He’s like a tiny voice that annoys me sometimes but cannot discourage me from following my heart or from being the wonderful woman I am and always have been and will become more of over my coming years.

I made the right decision. I left it all behind. Even the relationships with my children which I mistakenly thought were lost to me are returning. I was patient, and I am better off for it. I am proud of what I accomplished during this past year. I am looking forward to the new one with hope and peace and love. I am free.

Happy new year to all of you. Freedom isn’t free, but it sure as hell is worth the fight.

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About Kellie Jo Holly

Kellie Jo Holly passionately advocates against domestic violence through her writing and mentoring service. She loves helping women cope with abuse while in the relationship and supporting them as they leave the relationship and begin to heal. You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books from Amazon.

Comments

  1. Hey Kellie, You have come so far from last year and I wish you all of the best as you enjoy the freedom to be the wonderful, beautiful, and smart woman that you are! Hug, hug, BIG HUG!!

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