Mind Fuck

The dangers of living in an abusive situation mess with my mind. On the one hand, I know that abusers can and will escalate abuse when they feel as if they’re losing control. All the literature warns of it. More personally, I can now clearly see my husband escalating the abuse when he feels that he’s losing control.

I believe that if I left him, I would turn up dead but no one will be able to pin it on him. But his face will have been the last face I saw.I cannot be certain he “feels that he’s losing control.” I only assume to know because of what he tells me during the nice times. He’s told me how good he felt about putting a co-worker in her place, how well he did ithow there can be no retribution because he didn’t do anything “wrong.” The whole time knowing he did do something wrong by that person, but not caring because it worked out well for him and sent her into a high-pitched tailspin.

On the other hand, it is painful and hard for me to remember that he would, could and has hurt me physically – but it’s happened three times now. Nothing that will create a bruise where it will show. Something that he can deny to himself, to me, to anyone. Something that he ultimately blames on me.

Therein lies the danger. If it is so “painful and hard” to remember the abuse, then aren’t I mind fucking myself when I allow or force myself to forget?

He has hurt me. He has threatened to run me through a wood-chipper and dump pieces of me all over Texas – starting with the pond because the fish need feeding. (He’s shared that “joke” with my mother and sister, too.)

He’s threatened my life if I left him. He’s threatened my life if I take the boys away with me. He “doesn’t know what [he] would do” if he suspected me of cheating on him. He bought a gun that’s only “good for killin’ folk.”

I believe that if I left him, I would turn up dead but no one will be able to pin it on him. But his face will have been the last face I saw.

The victim of verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse constantly lives with the threat of escalating abuse. I constantly live with the threat of escalating abuse. It doesn’t matter if the last incident was yesterday or three years ago – he’s done it before and is capable of doing it again. The question is “When?”

Really think about that for a moment. “When will I be abused again? What will “I” have done to “cause” the abuse? How bad will it be? How much will it hurt?…”

It’s worse after I start thinking, “He’s different now. That was a long time ago; it won’t happen to me again. He’s a good father; he’d never treat the boys that way…” Then guess what? The abuse happens again.

I’m surprised, shocked, knocked off my rocker. I feel the betrayal all over again. I want the pain to stop, so when he says, “I’m sorry” or “You’re a drama-queen!” I want to believe him. I just want the pain to go away.

Maybe he is changing. Maybe the past month HAS been “different”. Maybe he has seen that he has a problem and wants to really truly fix it.

Maybe he really does love me.

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About Kellie Jo Holly

Kellie Jo Holly passionately advocates against domestic violence through her writing and mentoring service. She loves helping women cope with abuse while in the relationship and supporting them as they leave the relationship and begin to heal. You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books from Amazon.


  1. Maybe he is changing. Maybe the past month HAS been “different”. Maybe he has seen that he has a problem and wants to really truly fix it.

    Maybe he really does love me.

    Kellie, the above is what you wanted me to remind you that you were doing / thinking when you started to do it / think it.

    “Mind Fuck” because he is f*cking with your mind. He is SOOOOOOOO good at that.

    We can have a safety plan in place, Kellie. Find out the laws with what you can and cannot do, then we will find a safe way to do it.

    I love you so much and it scares the crap out of me to know that you sleep with a monster by your side.

    Breathe. That is all I can do. I find myself holding my breath a lot when I hear about what he is up to, doing, and saying. Breathe.

  2. Kevin Curtis says:

    Dear Kellie,

    My heart goes out to you. I have to go teach but I will write more later. I know how you feel. I have gone through it for years. Please try and get away. This is no way to live. When I was up in Wisconsin and going through all of the things with my son Jordan, I met a woman who I worked with who helped me. When I moved back down to Texas I told her that if she wanted to come with me that it would be a very bloody battle. Little did I know that the battle would be after the smoke cleared with all that was happening to my son. I’m still in an abusive relationship. Your sister and brother-in law helped me out of it about a year ago, but I went back into it out of fear. Fear of losing everything…hell there isn’t anything worth losing yourself for. I have just a few more months to go on the lease and then I’m gone. Last year about this time my step-son was living with us. 36 years old with nothing. He and I got into it as he was working part-time. No car, using ours, not looking for an apartment. Wasting his money on DVD’s etc. The straw that broke the camels back was when he bought a $450 bass guitar. We got into it and he physically assaulted me. My wife just watched, didn’t say a word. Of course it was my fault, I pushed him to hard. She keeps hinting of having him come back down here. Trust me I know what you are going through. They act so nice. Everyone loves them. There great at work and they are just the sweetest person in the world and your are the asshole. I know all about what your saying. I have to get away for my own sanity and for my son. I just can’t believe I did it to myself again. Kevin

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