The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
Needing some advice now more than ever and I’ve never put this out to strangers before. A year ago I got involved in my first abusive relationship. I knew nothing of the red flags to look for but have been in therapy since the grand finale of my ex holding me hostage in my own house and strangling me which resulted in a 5 hour swat standoff. I know the signs now, loud and clear and have been single since. He only did 6 months for what he did to me. I found out just days after his arrest, when I pulled public records on him, that he did the exact same things to his ex gf just prior to me and has a violent history involving dv since 1999. We were only together for 3 months and it all happened very quickly. I was brainwashed and continued writing him back and accepting his phone calls from jail, he didn’t care about the no contact order. 2 months after he was arrested was when I had finally had enough and realized what a fool I was for staying in contact. I cut contact and asked the prosecutor to extend the no contact order for the max allowed- 5 years. He was released in August 2016 on drug court, he violated drug court and went on the run around thanksgiving, he was using Meth again. I had had zero contact with him until I received a text 2 weeks ago from him saying he missed me. I knew better, but I still responded. I kept it simple and said we shouldn’t be communicating and I ignored his next few texts. The next night my dog started barking like crazy at 10pm- I woke up to see him standing on my front porch knocking on the door. I hid in my room and was shaking so bad I couldn’t even dial 911. He left after a few minutes. I have surveillance at my house so I turned the footage into the police the next day, I struggled with whether doing that was the right thing to do or not. He continued to call and text me the next day from a different number, talking about getting back together, again, I told him no. Never going to happen. He got picked up two days later on the drug court warrant when he was caught car prowling. He was given his new charge of violation of no contact order the next day. I know he must be furious that I reported him and I’m so scared for when he gets out again. He has 1 prior dv no contact order violation from 2004. This is his 2nd. In this state it’s only a gross misdemeanor and I am so afraid he won’t serve much time, even though he has such an extensive violent criminal history. Did I do the right thing by reporting him or did I just unleash the beast all over again? I’m struggling with wondering if I shouldn’t have reported it because I know now he must be furious.
Hello, I am a 42 year old male who three months ago ended my relationship with my partner. We have a son together and she had 2 daughters when we got together. I am finding life tough, I miss her, but I am receiving counselling and also doing things like taking courses etc. I’m just writing to know if what I am going to say next is abuse. I have seen her engage in a fist fight with her eldest, who is 17. She has attacked me in front of the three kids. She has confiscated the phones of me and both her daughters, has tried to break my phone, has had sudden bursts of rage for apparently no reason. She has lied about two major things, one which was very traumatic in our relationship (saying she miscarried our baby when she didn’t) and the other was maintenance she was receiving from the Father of her girls. Probably the worst though is the verbal abuse that her girls & I have put up with. During a row with me and her eldest three months ago, I said one thing to her and was hit with 40 insults back. I know it was 40 as I waited for her to leave the room and then wrote everything down. Literally every part of my life was attacked. When I tried to raise this with her in times of calm she played it down saying I’d provoked her. After leaving the house I reported her to Social Services and they investigated but found she had no case to answer. Even collecting my son now is extremely difficult. There are constant mind games such as giving the impression she is off meeting someone new. I know we are not together but it is like two fingers in my face saying her life has gone on. She only has a couple of friends, anyone who has been friendly with her has been discarded. While I ended the relationship, I did so as she kept throwing me out of the house we shared, 12 times in 12 months. This was over all sorts of things like spending money on myself, her looking for money from me to buy items for the house and even me being sick in Christmas 2015. We have had a pattern of breaking up and re-uniting but while we are apart she has done things that to me seem crazy, such as unprotected sex with another man, then unprotected sex with me after re-uniting and telling me about him after we had been together. She has told me she went on dates with guys where she walked out after 30 minutes because of a comment they made and then left them to pay the bill. The violence on her side escalated in 2016 and it got so bad that one night she was aggressive with our 3 year old son while attacking me. She was hurting his legs. While I don’t miss that behaviour, I do miss her, the family, I don’t like being alone. Yet she told me I was a loner, had waster her time and that we should be married by now. We did get engaged 10 months ago but she threw all my things out the same day as I spoke about 50/50 parenting and how it could work if people split up. What I can’t understand is how or why I kept saying sorry after she treated me or the kids so poor and why I’d still want to be with her, or why I am jealous of her meeting someone else. Can anyone shed light? Thanks a lot, seanr
My mom tells me what I’m feeling, says I’m abusive (admittedly we go back and forth on that). I have a form of high-functioning autism, and when I get overwhelmed I talk in a high-pitched tone and get scared and shut down. She immediately makes it about her and how she is overwhelmed and nervous. She makes it seem like I do it on purpose to hurt her. She used to call me Jekyll and Hyde and compared me to spoiled fictional characters when I was little.
I tried recording her, but it’s tricky. She threatened to record me as well. She tries to give me the silent treatment, and that in turn frustrates me a lot. I don’t know who to talk to. She claims she cares, but she makes it about her? I’m confused. I mainly curse out of anger and helplessness. When I do, she usually looks me in disbelief and shock instead of being consoling. I’m lost.
I have an anxiety/panic disorder and need support, not someone yelling at me and claiming it’s my fault (or not my fault and that I’m sick). It’s been going on for quite a while, and she won’t claim responsibility for what she has done. I claim part of it, but it seems like I have to apologize for my anxiety every time.
She has her strong points, but I can’t take this anymore. She also says that I hold her hostage in her own house due to my anger. She has a car and can drive, I can’t because I never learned. I have nowhere else to go. I’m the one who feels trapped. She even says she fails as a mother. What does that even mean? I’m hurting inside. Help.
Verbal turns psychological after so long. Every day I’m called crazy, mental, negative, worthless. There are days I pray to God to just let me pass in my sleep. I’m ready. I want out so bad, but the screwed up part is I feel guilty for it. I left once. He raged and threatened suicide… said I was his world and he loved me. So I went back. 2 month later, I’m a worthless piece of trash and should be lucky he took me back. It’s his world, I just suffer in it. Jesus.
I’m currently in a relationship with an abuser. When we first got together I noticed he wanted things to move quickly. I remember being in the hospital and I didn’t want to divulge why I was there because I had just moved to Dallas. I told him I was visiting a friend in Houston and he said, “Isn’t that where your ex boyfriend lives?” He was already controlling me before we were in a relationship. He continued to accuse me of being with other men, while he was on Plenty of Fish talking to other girls. The final straw came when he left his phone open so I could see his texts with another girl. I screamed at him because I was angry and wouldn’t get out of his face and he punched me right in the forehead. It knocked me out and I had two black eyes. But we got back together 9 months later after the state of Texas, not me, pressed charges. I thought after going to a Batterers intervention class he’d clean up. NOPE. When we got back together the violence escalated. It’s been about a year since he’s laid a hand on me but he uses emotional abuse now. He’ll refuse to call me, or he’ll tell me how crappy my Christmas gift was, and how he would have preferred a certain sex act instead. I’ve decided that if he does try to call me, it’s over. I see no future with him and at this point, I’m not sexually attracted, nor do I feel intimacy. He would never sleep in the bed. He insisted on sleeping on the couch. I doubt many women would date this guy because his self esteem is lacking.