The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
What if he says “I’m glad you’re not a bitch like the girls at work.”?
About a year ago I went on a few dates with a man. The signs were there but I guess I was too attracted and caught up to see them. He was handsome, opened doors etc., had an excellent job and seemed to adore me. I got hurt after work one day and when he asked me to drive over I said no because I didn’t feel up to it. He made such a big deal about it that I got in my car and drove the hour there, I got lost and texted to ask for the address again with no response. So I sat in a mall parking lot for an hour texting and calling with no response. I found out later it was his way of punishing me for not “wanting” to come over and as a result I refused to talk to him for about a month until he broke me down with his sorry texts and I let him back in. Long story short when I got injured I moved back to my parents till I was healed (about five months). He wanted to stay in touch which I was fine with and he’d usually call me every day.
He seemed so sweet and understanding and after I got let go from my job because I couldn’t work I really needed that attention and I forgot about the earlier incident. About two months into it I got a voicemail from his ex who had gotten into his brand new e-mail and found my contact info, telling me it would be better for everyone if I just died. I called him up and asked how she even knew he had a new email and asked if he was dating anyone other than me. He said I was the only person (acted insulted I asked) and that he didn’t know how she “hacked” his e-mail. I felt like I’d done something wrong by questioning him and let it go.
Over the following few months he would periodically call to tell me he couldn’t handle it anymore and was saying “goodbye” and then he would phone a week later and get annoyed when I refused to talk to him but he was really good at working his way back in and making me feel like I shouldn’t have been mad – that his actions weren’t meant to hurt. It’s easy to look back and say I should have walked away the first time it happened but sometimes emotions rule over brain cells and I’m ashamed to say I took him back every time.
Then I asked him to come out to my aunts cottage so that he could meet my mother and Aunt and also have a bit of a fun vacation. He kept putting me off and putting me off on finding a time that worked for him because he needed to attend events for his brothers upcoming wedding and then my mom had an accident and I called to tell him the trip was cancelled. He immediately said he was going to the travel agent right then to book and he would be there in two days. We got in a big fight about it and I told him he was being selfish and I wasn’t making my mom sit in a car for 12 hours of driving because he finally decided he was coming, after I told him the trip was cancelled. This resulted in one of his “goodbyes”.
Once again I made the mistake of taking him back. I traveled to see him and attend his brothers wedding. While I was there he was very ill and I found myself taking care of him. Well in the span of that week I found out that while he liked to say he hadn’t had a drink in three years that the dates were closer to under a week (found bottles throughout his house, hidden in laundry hamper etc.). He also called me a liar on several occasions insisting that there was no way he was only the third man I’d dated – that it was obvious I was lying.He was sitting next to me on the couch watching football and without even looking at me asked “so are we going to get married or what?” I told him I expected a proposal to be better than that and he said that he was “too old for romance” to which I replied that I wasn’t too old for romance and that I was worth it and expected it. Then he told me that he’d been dating a bunch of other women because he’d been “lonely”. I was weeping by that point and he was remorseless – he truly felt he’d done nothing wrong because he’d wanted companionship. I could have handled it if I’d known he wanted to see other people but he’d made it clear he didn’t want me seeing anyone else. He then told me that he hadn’t needed to attend any events, he’d put me off because he didn’t know if it was worth the effort of travelling that far to see me. When I couldn’t stop crying he told me I could either stop or get out of his house about three times. The third time I got up and closed the door to his bedroom and started throwing things into my bag as quickly as possible. To be honest I felt like I was in a fog and wasn’t processing everything that was happening normally. He came in just as I finished and grabbed me by the arm throwing me onto the bed and told me he didn’t want me to leave. That he loved me. I’ll admit that I was terrified in that moment that he’d injure or rape me. I don’t remember much other than getting to the front door and telling him coldly to take his hands off me (he seemed shocked by how calm I was and to be honest I think I was in shock by that point). I ran down the hall, down the stairs and jumped into my car because all I could think was that I needed to get away before he decided to follow me.
I don’t understand what’s wrong with me but he reached out about three months later and asked me to forgive him. I told him I did but that I didn’t want to date anymore and thankfully I was wise enough not to see him in person – to contain it to texts and accepting the odd phone call. He said he was fine with that but when I was coming back from seeing my parents for the holidays he stated he wanted to pick me up at the airport. I told him no as my boss was going to pick me up and we were travelling back up to the worksite as soon as my plane landed. After that he told me he was sure the only reason I had my job was because I was F*** my boss, that I had someone that loved me (him) and I needed to get my head out of my ass and accept it. That he wasn’t asking anymore “this is going to happen” that I was the “most amazing person that i have ever met and I am deeply in love with you so deal with it”. When I still refused to start dating him again he told me “tonight I [he] die” – I refused to answer him but I did contact his brother to let him know how he was behaving and that I didn’t know if he’d kill himself but that he was threatening it. His brother told me I was too nice for his brother and he didn’t understand how he ever managed to get me to go out with him and that it would be better for me if I walked away..
I’m proud to say that I’ve finally made the decision to walk away. And this time I’m going to succeed. It’s taken way longer than it should have. And I feel foolish for having put up with everything I did, but better late than never right? I chose to write this partly so that I feel some pressure not to go back to him and to that extent I’ve deleted his contact information and blocked his number. But also so that young women like me might see what I dealt with and realize that if someone their dating is showing these signs, especially early on, that it’s better to walk away because their not going to get better. If anything it seems to get worse.
Thank you for writing this article. To be honest I’ve read so many over the past months and a lot of them just didn’t seem to apply. But with this one I picked out almost exact statements that you wrote, and that he said to me. And it was like I finally realized the problem wasn’t me. And that giving him chances to retry the relations because he told me he’d changed was just wasting my time – because he wasn’t changing. So thank you.
Sounds a lot like what I deal with. This morning I was called disgusting because there is glitter from a craft on the furniture and a sponge in the sink. And I got called a f**king c*nt for trying to explain that all people think differently.
I have been married over 20 years and am wondering if my husband is abusive or not. He doesn’t hit me and has only pushed me a few times, but it did result in a broken spine and ribs. That was many years ago though. I think that he is extremely intelligent and hints that he could poison me and never get caught. I believe him. He is an extreme alcoholic and drinks until he passes out everyday. He has made a comment about burying my toothless head in one state and other parts in different ones. Then he says it’s just a joke you can’t take anything. We rarely talk now for almost three years and have separate rooms. I wanted to take him out for his 50th birthday because it had been so long since we had even rode in a car together. During the night he passed out at the table, then woke up and started saying he is going to take me somewhere dark and wet. I ignored this because he wants to get a reaction. Then before we left he wanted another drink at the bar. While I patiently waited for him to finish he said the same thing again only added “with a few worms” and laughed scarily. What bothered me the most was the bartender overheard it and asked me if I was okay. I saw the look of pity in his eyes and that bothered me even more. My husband Craig also says horrible racist comments that I deplore, basically unless your a white conservative male he thinks everyone else is trash. Of course that includes my birth family because they are “liberal”. His cousin is the detective in our small town and so he owns the police too, and can get away with anything. In two weeks I’m going to Missouri to see my parents and I have decided to post this in case I don’t make it.
All of this does not apply in all abusive relationship s.Depends on the degree of abuse. I live with a man who says things like “you always listen to” or “talk to everyone else but me”. He will get physical over the remote when he wants to watch the game. He will not go to my church as he claimed my pastor had insulted him at one point. What my pastor said was in a joking manner and he took it too seriously.