The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
better days ahead!!! seems like when the storms pass, there’s ALWAYS sunshine! i’m staying focused & not going to let HIM steal my joy!!! i WILL take care of me, regardless…he can like it or not, be there or be gone; makes no matter to me, i’ve managed BEFORE him in my life & i will manage WITHOUT!
Beautifully Broken,
I’m the same as you. I tried for years to put out the fire.. but now I realize it’s not my fire to put out! I don’t get burned as often. I’m sorry I thought you were married…I guess I didn’t read thoroughly through your post. If you aren’t married, and are having these issues, DON’T. I can’t reiterate that enough. Until he can treat you the way you deserve you do not owe him the honor of your hand in marriage! My husband and I have been together for 5 years in total. The first two years were AMAZING. However, we did not live together and he was deployed much of the time…so I didn’t get that first hand experience with him as to who he really was. He polished me…he soothed me, he was everything I had wanted for years! I was independent, raising two kids on my own, educated, and successful. He asked me three times to marry him before I said yes…yes, I said 3! I turned him down in front of his family, once in public, and the third time he learned his lesson apparently and asked me in private. I told him that because I have these two little boys I had to be certain so ask me again in a month. He did and I finally said yes after much prayer and consideration. I never imagined he would change into this alternate person. I was sure that I had read him right, I was certain I had made the right choice. 3 years later I have realized that he was a fake, a pretender, a liar. I was his prey, only I wasn’t weak…he loved the thrill of the chase. I was a prize to be won, to feed his ego, his narcissistic needs, he needed a supplier.
I feel for you in your situation, but if you are already seeing all of this and you are not married even if you love him don’t give him the honor. He doesn’t deserve it until he earns it, just like respect. My husband has come around but only because of what I mentioned before…I stopped arguing, I walk away, I don’t allow him to speak to me negatively anymore…I make boundaries and I keep them. I hope you the best in your efforts to do the same, take back your power and self respect!
It is nice to vent. Keep doing Zumba…I love it…keep doing whatever it is that makes you feel human. And if he has something to say, walk away. Keep reading, keep growing as a person, don’t let him put out your fire for life. Until next time.
Brim
Beautifully Broken,
After reading your response I wanted to ask you if you are sure you aren’t married to my husband! Lol. Oh, the abuse. August 2013 through June 2014 I swear I was married to Satan himself. Like you stated, getting angry and throwing fits over the silliest things…like the wrong kind of peanut butter in my case! One fight became so bad he bashed my head against the floor, choked me, and the put his full body weight on my chest while on his knees! He’s 6’4 and a very muscular 245 and I’m 5’7 and 150… He cracked two of my ribs!!! To the ER I went. Try to explain those injuries away…I didn’t. I told them what was going on…And because he is in the military his job was on the line so he was forced to get help. Marriage counseling helped until the therapist said something he didn’t like. And of course it was always something I said or did to cause his rage. The therapist told me, right in front of him, that it was not worth it for me to stay with a “man-child” because I was worth more than that. Oh boy did the venom fly!!! He got better and better as time went by because I stopped arguing! You sound like me, you know you are being mistreated and you want to defend yourself, which only ends in more abuse. Lol. I finally learned that nothing he says, not a single thing he says defines who I am, what I want, or where I’m going in life. His words literally have no power over me anymore. Like a fool I was always trying to make him comfortable to avoid criticism and abuse…Not anymore. Now if he asks me for something, politely, I will oblige…But only if it does not inconvenience what I want to do. I literally forcefully pulled away from him emotionally by practicing detachment…I suggest you look that up. After all my research and his diagnosis of NPD and AADD…I have been able to deal with the abusive behavior differently. I suggest you do the same. Like you, I’m too old for this crap! Nobody at any age should go through it but in my 30 ‘ s this HS guy bs is getting friggin old.
We still have blips…But for the most part he has been respecting my boundaries, but I have to keep setting them and keeping them. In one breathe he loves me, in the next breathe I’m his biggest mistake! I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, or I’m the fattest, ugliest, stupidest whore he’s ever known!!! Lol. So I understand your roller coaster…And I wanted off…so I got off. I will not stay in a room if he flings an insult or criticism or name calling…I walk away or leave the house. I just don’t stand for it anymore and now he knows I will keep my word. And it’s his fear of losing his emotional supply, not me, that brings him back to reality. But I knew he needed to respect me but more importantly I needed to respect myself. I love him, but I can’t let loving him destroy me…I am not a victim. I accepted that I have chosen to stay with him through all of this and as time goes by, things get better. Not because he’s better, but because I am. Arm yourself. Do some research. Don’t point out to him he has a problem because he will never see it, and from experience it will only end in him feeling like you are attacking him…so a fight. Avoid the urge to defend yourself to him. Don’t let his words mean anything to you, he is a liar.
There is hope when you are drowning. Voicing how you feel on here is a great outlet…we can be your floaties! Keep in touch. This helps me so much as well.
Brim
Beautifully Broken,
I can fully relate to everything you have said here. I to am married to a younger man…9 years younger. We just celebrated our 3rd year wedding anniversary and I can’t believe I’ve stayed as long as I have! Like you, I was independent, had a career, and have two children…they are only 11 and 9. Before I met him I hiked, went to the gym daily, visited museums, went to the opera, had monthly massages and beauty appointments. Before him I was human.
After all of the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse I to feel like I am drowning and can’t catch my breath. About a year ago I started seeing a therapist without his knowledge. I knew I had to do something to keep my sanity. Over the past 6 months my life has looked different. I started practicing detachment. I read more books about how to deal with narcissistic personality disorder, and abusive angry spouses, than I would like to admit. But I have been able to pull my heart and soul out of the abuse.
You are not crazy, you are not any of the things he is trying to tell you that you are. He is trying to keep you in a cycle of crazy so he can have power over you. He doesn’t like you to get healthy because he knows that would give you confidence and self esteem and to a person with narcissistic traits, like your husband, that is damaging to his plan. You are his supply… You are how he feeds his own feelings of control. To let you be independent would not be to his advantage, he has to have the upper hand on you because his greatest fear is losing his supply.
About 6 months ago I stopped arguing. I just sit there and say things like “that’s an interesting point of view” or “I’ll think about that” or “you could be right”. (Which means you could just as easily be wrong but he only hears what he wants to.)
I started setting boundaries. One day he slapped me for no reason at all. I was sitting next to him on the couch and we were talking and laughing….I don’t even remember the silly comment I made but he just slapped me right in the face. I was flabbergasted!!! I couldn’t even speak! That made me realize that there is not a single thing that I could ever say or do to make him happy or keep him happy. He is unhappy within himself. What he does is project his own feelings of shame and inadequacy onto me. Once I realized this was what was happening and that I have become a co-dependant I started researching things I could do. There is not a single thing that you can do to change him… Only yourself.
I started practicing self care. Self preservation. Like me, I’ll bet you know most of his triggers and you can tell whether or not it’s going to be a day in hell or a day in prison… there aren’t too many good days in between. If you recognize those things just steer clear of them because to bring them up, or interact is certain death to you.
I started imagining him as a little child…a mere baby. I just think of a toddler, I shrink him down in my mind while he is crushing my soul with his words and just let them fall away. I imagine a shield around me that cannot be penetrated. This has taken me months and months to do and I still don’t have it down to an art yet and I still get hurt. But with each battle I arm myself better and better. I set boundaries with him…if he’s calling me horrible names I say to him calmly and politely “if you call me names again I am leaving the house until you have cooled off.” And I do it!!! Remember, the last thing your guy wants is to lose his supply… You. So follow through on your word. It’s not easy, but it’s effective. If he starts to put me down, insult my intellectual being I tell him to “hold that thought I need to use the restroom.” I wait it out for 5 or ten minutes, do breathing exercises to calm myself down and get myself in a better place before I return. By the time I do he’s already on to something else!!!
Never, ever expect an apology. It will not happen, he cannot put himself in your shoes, he cannot see how he has hurt you. If you expect it you will forever be disappointed. I stopped expecting it. I know now that just being able to avoid his wrath is an accomplishment and that’s enough for now.
I’m saying all of this because there is hope. Not that your guy will change, or that you will actually leave him…because I know as a Co dependent that’s the hardest thing to do…I will not say go unless your life is in danger…because that is your choice to make.
But you must arm yourself. Do not threaten if you do not intend to follow through, that only diminishes your own self respect, and it teaches him that you cannot be respected.
Be strong, study, read, if you can’t go to the gym (my husband accuses me of cheating no matter where I go) go on long walks, or start jogging and doing body training using your own body weight. It’s still a long road I have, but I now have a plan, a strategy, and a way to keep myself armed with defenses. That gives me my power back. And when the time comes I will be prepared to walk away in a safe, healthy way. Please know I’m thinking of you, you are not alone, and you can make things different for yourself! Much love.
Brim
i’m glad i found this page so i could vent to people who are going thru the same! this is a lengthy one, but i have noone to talk to, noone to confide in about what i have been going thru, i can’t tell my family because they won’t understand why i stay. 2 years…i’ve been called more names than i can count! it started with alot of yelling, i hate you get out of my life. to name calling then physical and destroying some of my things; everytime i see a talk escalating i know shortly to follow are rage and insults! he doesn’t admit he has problem and when i bring i try and bring it to his attention, its MY insecurities, MY drama, MY selfish ways, nasty attitude and ways, baggage, issues; i’ve had drinks poured on me & he didn’t let me shower before work; he has passcodes on his phone & computer but i’m the sneaky grimey one; we have 1 car & when he’s having a case of the ass he stays out all night on purpose and tells me WHY SHOULD I COME HOME TO A NASTY WOMAN WHO DOESN’T GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND LIKE? he tells me do my JOB as a woman and how he’s not pleased, i’m not pleasing him sexually because i don’t like dressing in lingerie and effin heels! he has kept me up til the sun came up arguing about what he’s not getting in the bedroom from me, saying how i should want to please my man. he started an arguement with me while his mother was here about some dam macaroni and went into a rage, pushing me and telling me how i was disrespecting his mother; all i could do is cry hysterically and my jaw dropped! he slapped me in the face when i asked him why he was asking his baby mama what she was cooking because i didn’t think it was appropriate of him to ask, especially with the bad history he says they have; how they managed to have a child is beyond me! but seems like they’re on civil terms all of a sudden & i told him how i felt about him asking her that & even used the example of what if i talked to my baby daddy who i can’t stand like that; of course he had no answer, why? because i shouldn’t have gone thru his phone! meanwhile my life is an open book to him because i have nothing to hide and i’ve told him that, but i’m the sneaky one! we got into a fight about an ex of his that was causing problems (because i know of her) & he told me it was my fault & was causing the problems; i should’ve seen ALL the red flags from the start but like a dumbass i ignored them, ALL of them! everytime i mention i want a car he changes the subject; before him i had my own business and was very independent, im too old for this BS! he’s told me i haven’t changed, i’m set in my ways and he’s paying for what other guys did to me (yea right), tells me he’s trying to teach me and i get an attitude. (teach me what i don’t know). i was very active and loved to exercise and he took that joy away from me! i feel very ugly to him now and all he does is put me down more and more, he doesn’t see ANYTHING of what he has done to hurt me and ignores me when i tell him; he says HE’S the unhappy one and has been, he’s told me he hated me several times and how he wants me out of his life, he can’t take it anymore; he has hacked into my facebook and saw convos i had with my girlfriends, telling me that all they do is laugh behind my back and how stupid i look to them but got mad because i was talking about him behind his back like he was a dog & i was a liar; no everything i have gone through i did NOT make up nor did i do it to myself! funny thing is he is always telling me to go find somebody else to do this shit to, but, this didn’t start with me; he was abusive to several girlfriends before ever meeting me so he has a problem, he has a history but is in serious SERIOUS denial about it! he tells me i don’t know how to communicate, how do you communicate with someone who yells at you and doesn’t put themselves in your shoes? i’ve told him i can’t communicate with him because he NEVER listens, he only hears himself! he talks down to me like i’m his 9year old son and i’ve told him I’M NOT HIS CHILD DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE HE TALKS TO HIS KID. I AM A GROWN UP AND YOU TALK TO ME, NOT AT ME. he will never change. i have left him 5 times and everytime i come back, it isn’t long before he loses it! he also accused me of hanging out when i’ve gone to visit my family out of town & has told me not to come back, stay where i’m at; i’ve missed my grandbabys first christmas & birthday because of him, when my family only lived 1 1/2 hrs away because i had mentioned that my grandfather was prejudice; i told him not to worry about that but it was just another sorry excuse of his! the first time i left him was in oct 2013 after a huge fight we had, the first time he told me he hated me; i called my mom & she came and picked me up (i had no car and still don’t!) but his whole demeanor changed and he was BEGGING my mom to get me to stay because he loved me & would do anything, even die for me; he’s told me he gave up for his life for me but blames me for not being able to enjoy his hobby of dj-ing like he used to because of my jealousy; he’s never given me any reason to accuse him of cheating and i never have, even after i found a wine glass with lipstick on it (that was before we were serious, before i moved in) but he’s never stepped outside of the relationship; i don’t mind if goes shoots pool or hangs out at his guy friends house, he has always been honest about where he goes but a few months ago he said that the reason guys cheat is because they don’t get satisfied at home, not realizing satisfaction goes BOTH ways! and i’m not talking only sex! he’s said i don’t like for him to tell me how to exercise correctly (he does not have any certs in fitness), he tells me that me wanting to pay for my own zumba classes is a waste of money-meanwhile i don’t say $**t when he’s wasting money on beer or cigars! anything healthy for myself, he puts me down; anything i do for myself, if its not for him, he puts down. when i left him before it was because i was so tired of being told GTFO of my house and go back to your grandmothers or go live with your daughter and play mommy to your grandson; not that it makes a difference but i am 10 years older than him & have 2 grown kids. he says i don’t care about his feelings and i’ve messed things up for “our” family; i was in the process of leaving for a last time when he found a house to rent and asked me for information and tells me he is putting my name on the rental app (all the bills are in his name but i do help with all the living expenses both in and out the house) he has also put down jobs that i have tried to keep & insisted that i get a work from home job like him because it would work out for us in the long run since we only have 1 car to use; even though we may have argued, i have still made his coffee,cooked for him & washed his dam clothes; he’s washed my clothes and thrown them at me, when he’s on his powertrip, he will cook only for himself & just completely ignores me. we got into a fight new years eve, he left and i was at home alone. he says i can’t be talked to, and i don’t want to hear anything thats “wrong” with me and thats why nothing worked out with my past relationships (blaming me), he was never even around! he uses my past in our arguements…..maybe i should just leave and not tell him, instead of always threatening that i will leave. i would love to see the look on his face if he left and came home and all my stuff was gone.
**thanks for reading