The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
I am still working up the courage to leave. He insults me, criticizes me, blames me, talks to me like I’m stupid, blocks all attempts at conversation by not listening to me or telling me to be quiet, tells me to shut up. He calls me retarded and insinuates that I’m dumb on a regular basis. He doesn’t let me speak. when I try to tell a story to someone infront of him he will cut in and talk over me to tell it himself, even if it’s something that I personally experienced. If someone asks me a question he answers for me. he wakes me up when I’m sleeping for no reason. he physically abuses me in very subtle ways–not hard enough to come across as “serious” abuse to the untrained eye like a blatant beating and never hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough for me to know that it’s more than playful or that there’s nothing innocent about it and that it’s highly wrong, even if i have no marks to prove it. he’s kicked and slapped me, shoved me aside for being “in his way” blocked me from leaving, holds me and squeezes me until I complain that I can’t breathe, choked me briefly, threatens me (to cheat if a don’t give him sex, to smash my car windows if I try to leave) drives erratically to scare me, mocks me when i tell him his behaviour is bothering me, has called me his property, says he’s “allowed” to touch me even when I don’t want him to, has told me that he touches me sexually when I’m asleep, isolates me from my friends, gets mad when I try to hang out with them, called them sluts, dumb girls and called me a dumb girl for having a friend over to our house ONCE (I never have since), tries to turn me against my family, insults them, is miserable whenever we have to go to my family gatherings for holidays and complains about absolutely everything, expects me to pick up after him and tries to manipulate me to do so as well as to cook for him, gets mad at what clothing i wear, calls me a slut if i wear a skirt or tights in public or even if I wear lacy bras and underwear outside the house when he’s not around, doesn’t like me going places alone (has said that stupid girls think it’s ok for them to wear dresses and boots in public without their bfs) gets mad if i wear high heels, gets mad when I’m on my phone (has slapped my leg hard for being on it and taken it out of my hands and tossed it on the couch and told me to get off the phone when i was talking to mom), destroyed and ruined many of my things, accuses me of cheating, gets mad if i don’t text him or answer his calls and texts fast enough, demands to know what I’m doing, gets mad if i want to eat healthy or want to eat something different than what he wants and refuses to each eat different meals, says we have to eat the same, insinuates that i’m fat (I am far from it) guilts me out of doing anything for myself (eating healthy, going to the gym, reading etc) uses his dog to guilt and manipulate me into doing what he wants rather than what i want (saying he wishes the dog woudnt be alone all day and needs to be walked so that instead of going out and doing something i want to do i feel guilty and have to stay home with the dog) he has different rules for us-he can stay out and have drinks with his buddy but i have to come straight home after work or i will face anger and the cold shoulder and guilt for not being home for the dog, uses me for my good credit, doesnt care what i want in life, expects me to follow him and his job and forget about me and my goals, he has flirted with many other women and crossed the line with one that i know of (no physical cheating but emotional), believes women are property to be owned and controlled, has told me i have no right to speak in this relationship because i don’t pay the rent, and so on. I am miserable. i am with a man who represents everything i despise and feel hopeless about leaving.
I too am dealing with depression, as a result of my husband isolating me from my family. He has arranged our finances in such a manner, that I have no access to money. I am allowed a credit card, but then he questions every nickel I spend.
When I ask/tell him that I would like to go back to my hometown to visit family, he becomes irritable and argumentative. My parents are in their mid 80’s and I see them approximately twice a year. I live a 4-5 hour airline flight away from them.
I have no college background. I have a neurological disease and am now disabled. I am extremely close to retirement age and know I can not financially support myself. I view myself as unemployed and unemployable. I quit attending college and ended my employment, because he told me that my child (from a previous abusive marriage) needed me more than I needed college or employment. Now I live isolated in this house and my every thought or plan is expected to be centered around him. My entire day is always about his dinner and making sure his house is meticulous. I met and briefly had one friend, until he accused her and I of plotting a divorce. Homelessness simply is a worse option than my current status.
I am not in any physical danger, but the mental/psychological, verbal and emotional abuse is an issue.
Options are great; however, I’m pretty sure all women in this category feel as though we have none. If there are realistic “do-able” options, we need to know what they are.
I have been married for 33 years. The first few years of our marriage my husband was very verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I kept asking myself why I did not leave then but all I can say is that I was 20 years old, 500 miles from my parents and alone except for him as he was in the Army. When we moved back around our families I should have left then but I had 2 children and no money. I have sense gotten my nursing license and now make more than my husband. He has really slowed down on the abuse and it is essentially verbal abuse. He will drink and then say things to me like ” I can replace you just like that”, “you bi___!”, “you are nothing”, “you are so stupid”, “that girl at the bar was really sexy and was all over me so I can get any girl I want”, I do not need you”. He also says things like “I think it would be better if we just call it quits”. I know he says these things to hurt me and usually he says these things because I have refused to have sex with him. He always wants to have sex when he is drunk and it repulses me.
I have thought about divorce several times but he can also be the most kind and gentle man I know. Just when I think I have had enough he does a turn around and is fine for several months and then it starts in again. He works 2nd shift now so we do not see each other much which helps. I still cringe at times when he walks in the door and has been drinking and I know what it coming. Sometimes he just goes to sleep and other times he starts in and can keep me up half the night. If he was physically abusive I would leave him in a heartbeat but it is very hard as some of you know to leave when it is only name calling and yelling even though the words are hurtful. Our kids are grown up and it is just the two of us. I feel guilty that I stayed as he was abusive towards are kids also. He is very good with the grandkids and have never yelled at them once.
So glad to have found this site! Here’s my story. My partner had been my best friend for 10 years before we became a couple. I always knew he was moody, but I never realized how bad it was. He has been diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder. He is also on anti-depressants and is paranoid, anti-social, ADD, and has many anxieties. We are awaiting a psychiatrist’s evaluation because he realizes how EVERYTHING and EVERYONE seems to bother him; everything is such a big deal. He will talk to someone and then worry he has to acknowledge them everytime he sees them.
He usually does not like to go anywhere without me. He does not feel comfortable around most people.
He overeats all the time. He has asked me to tell him when he falls off the track. When I do, he gets mad and says he is intelligent enough to realize what he is doing and he does not need me to tell him. Well, he lost 35 lbs. by listening to me!
He is the most generous, kindest human being I know. He has helped me so much. He has given me a home and I never have to worry about money. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I am always trying to please him. I am constantly walking on eggshells around him,. Sometimes, the way I respond to something, or even a look, can set him off for hours. Then, he blames all this behaviour on ME. Lately, he says his blow-ups are all my fault.
I am 60 years old and retired, I am tired of being treated like a child/idiot. He says I should not listen to most of what he is saying, even when he rants and raves. He says it doesn’t mean anything. Even though I know that, it still ruins my day. If I leave and take a time-out for a few hours, he becomes even more furious because he says I have left when he needs me the most. He says I should know he is sick, he is hurting, and suffering. It is hard to remember that when he is verbally attacking me.
He has not met my son. It is five years now that we are together., I was only allowed to actually give him my address just a few weeks ago. I am now allowed to have him come over for a meal, but my partner will not be here, as he is not ready to meet him just yet.
He has told me that if I were to tell him about being with someone like him, he would tell me to get the hell away! But, since it is him, it is different. I love him but I also hate him. Sometimes I wish I was dead. Sometimes, I wish HE was dead. Sometimes, I feel like I am in prison.
These are some of the things he says to me:
Don’t tear your food. Stop nodding your head; only morons do that. I hate driving with you. You drive too fast. You drive too slow…hahaha, you get all the red lights. Don’t preheat the oven. Stop changing your clothes everyday, you will wear them out and turn them into garbage. You fall asleep too early; you are getting old. He opens my mail for me. He yells when I forget something, but it is okay for him to forget.
I am not allowed to vacuum without asking him, or put the dishwasher on without permission. I am not allowed to use the washing machine. My hair always has to be up and he likes me to wear glasses most of the time. Toilet seat in the bathroom must always be down or he gets mad (but he forgets all the time). He often calls me to come into the other room when I am in the middle of doing the dishes or putting away laundry. He says nothing is more important than him. Whatever I am doing doesn’t matter.
I am not allowed on Facebook (he made me close my old account). Says I talk to everyone (I am just polite and say hi to the people I see often. Today, I waved at someone and he got upset because he said that person should have waved first).
Thank-you for listening.
I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. My husband suffers from GAD and possibly OCD. He has always had a short temper with me, but seems nice as pie to everyone else. The are certain triggers, noise, strong smell (perfume, smoke or food), mess… Earlier this year he was finally diagnosed with the above and put on medication.. I was amazed, the man who was awesome 10% of the time and pissed off 90% of the time did a compete 180 turn.
We were so happy for those few months, laughing every day instead of fighting, joking, feeling equal, loved, wanted, desired… He r really was the “dream husband”. For the first time in 10 years, he bought me a gift (a pair of earrings) which were worth a lot.. And it’s not that I care about getting gifts like that, it’s the fact he believed I was worth it.. It brought me to tears.
He didn’t care about anything other than spending time with me, and our kids. He didn’t care if this meant that somr house chores weren’t getting done, so long as we were spending time together.. (” You can do it whilst I’m at work”).
It was during this time we decided to have another child.. I felt so strong and supported, like my best friend was there for me 24/7 and I felt so proud to be his wife.
Then he got sick and we couldn’t figure out what was causing it, doctors couldn’t. After several visits to docs, he decided to stop the pills to see if he would get better.. Always saying he would start on a lower dose gradually… And then he went through withdrawal, fever, paranoia for a few days.. And then he was convinced he never needed the pills to begin with.. He’s “not a drug addict”.. Over a week or so he became more and more of what he used to be… It was like he’d woken from a deep slumber and all of a sudden every little mess in the house was setting him off.. Every time he attacks me with words and lectures me like I child, and I try t to talk, he tells me to shut up. Repeatedly, in front of our kids. Yelling at me, calling me a bitch, grabbing me by the hair when I try to walk away because he was shouting at me at the top of his voice… Then he tells me it’s my fault because I was being very disrespectful by walking away when he is trying to ” talk ” to me.
If I try to talk back so it is a conversion rather than an attack or a lecture, he tells me I’m being a gobby bitch and I need to shut up.
I don’t know anymore if he is right.. Maybe I do deserve it all? He says I need to stop playing the victim, he is the victim because he works all the time and spends money on the house and i disrespect him… I do so much for him though.. I mean he won’t even get himself a glass of water, he’ll ask me, even if I’m asleep. The thing that upsets me the most is that I fell pregnant just before he stopped the pills, and he keeps telling me I’ve changed, not him, is pregnancy hormones. I have been feeling so tired and nauseous, and he calls me lazy and tells me to get off my ass.. I wake up in the night if one of our kids wake up, to look after them, and often they wake me very early in the morning (5ish) and by 8 I am worn out, but he expects me to stay up until 1 with him..
I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, just 2 months ago, I would have spoken to him, he would have comforted me and told me not to worry, it will all get sorted out.. Now who do I go to?