The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
I was trying to figure out if I should return something that belongs to my ex. In my dilemma of trying to figure what the right thing to do is (do I return it because its the right thing to do or do I want to return it because I’m really missing him right now.) I searched for moral support online and strangely arrived on to this site. While the topic has little to nothing to do with my situation, reading it helped me remember why we have broken up continuously for the last 4 years. The anxiety of missing him instantly cleared. I’ll return his belongings because its morally the right thing to do, but thanks to this article that little part of me that was hoping for another chance with him is gone.
I have been living this nightmare for about five years. Now I am ready to graduate from nursing school and will be able to live on my own! He will never change, most people do not change unless they have a significant event in their life to “wake” them up. Verbal abuse is much worse than physical abuse in many ways. The negative comments haunt your mind day and night and there seems to be no escape. I have tried to talk to friends and family, but the truth is they really do not understand unless they have been through the same thing. I pray every day for God to give my abuser an “ahah” moment. Perhaps my experience will help me to help others. As a nurse I will come in contact with many people and their families. Maybe this is what God had in mind for my future, to help some one else who needs help. It is so easy to feel trapped in an abusive relationship. You really have to rely on your inner strength and the strength from God above. This is the only way to come out on the other side healthy. Keep focused on yourself and what you need to do improve YOUR life! Only we, ourselves have the power to change our lives, we cannot change someone else’s. The best advise I can give to others who are hurting is to pray every day, love yourself and find what makes you special from everyone else and get to work! We all are unique and were created for a special purpose. Find your passion and follow it! It will lead you to a whole new world and that person you loved who abused you will either follow or be left behind.
My Boyfriend of two years does nearly every single thing on that list yet still blames me for being the abusive one. He’s moved me miles out of my area and the abuse is just getting worse and worse. I don’t know what to do and too scared to stick up for myself. I’m already in court next month for ‘attacking’ him whilst it was all self defense. 🙁 I have had abusive partners in the past. Why does this keep happening to me??? And why am I always to blame??? Am I stupid or something???? Have I got abuse me written all over my forehead. I have so much built up anger inside of me now and I am too scared to express how I feel and tell him because It will all get twisted round on me and turned on me if I do like I have in the past and I will end up being in trouble because it’s his way of punishing me. I’m stuck and have no money, no job and no where to go and half of his friends think I’m the abuser. I am so confused. I feel as though I am abusive too. But If I don’t say the things I want to say, I get seriously depressed.
I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years with my boyfriend. Every time someone asks me if we are going to get married I say I don’t know. They say why. I Just say its because we are still so young (25). But truely it’s because sometimes he gets in these rages, calls me a cunt, bitch, regrets the last 5 years with me etc. Obviously I remember these words forever and it hurts me so much I can’t even begin to count how many times he has made me cry.
But the next day he is so devastated and so sorry that he was so horrible. And then he cry’s. He doesn’t know why he says those things and doesn’t mean them and I’m the most amazing person etc.
I’ve told him he breaking my soul. And he was so upset my that. He said If I keep doing this we have to end things before I break you. And I agreed. But when is it too much?
But this only happens like, once a month maybe. The rest of the time he is awesome. And after an ‘episode’ he really trys hard to be nice.
The only other thing is sometimes he will make comments and its kind of like a dig at me, “like i only have a few friends but they’re really good friends and care about me”….or “your salad isn’t nice because you don’t put any effort into anything”. It obviously brings my mood down.
And then I bring this up with him and says I’m taking it out of context and he doesnt mean that about me and my life.
He has even googled abusive relationships worried that he does that to me. I know he is a good person and genuine when he is sorry but it’s like he looses control sometimes and unfortunate im the one that takes all the verbal abuse.
This is abuse right? I’m so confused. I love him and want to help him and he is amazing majority of the time. All our friends love him, my family too. But no one really knows about all this other stuff….
He is thinking about getting help too…but will this help… is it really a big problem?
Is the question i need to ask myself “is he worth it”? or am i just being stupid and need to get out?
The other problem is i’m starting to be really hostile towards him sometimes when i remember everything he has done to me…
Your a worthless bitch.
You trashy whore.
I hate you.
If you would leave I would be happy.
Your a fat ugly nothing.
I despise all of you.
You are the problem with me…All of you.
I hate your face.
You’re a stupid fucking wife.
You’re just a dumb bitch.
Why don’t you go and die.
Shut the fuck up.
It’s none of your fucking business.
I don’t give a damn about you.
I don’t care about you.
Your sons are pussies.
You’re just an old hag. (I’m 33)
Why don’t you just leave me.
I want a divorce. (because HE lied to me and I found out.)
I have no respect for a useless nothing.
You disgusts me.
Your legs make me gag. (He knows I’m self conscious of my legs)
No other man would ever even look at you.
You’re nothing to me.
I don’t love you (wait 30 min and he can’t live without me)
Look at you, just look at you…pathetic whore
You can’t do anything right.
You’re the worst driver I’ve ever seen.
Why do you pray? God doesn’t listen for retards.
You are so fucking lazy. (I’m ocd…spotless house, 2 kids, dinner on the table, accountant, gym everyday, and the lead singer of a great local band.)
No wonder your first husband left you for a man…I’m starting to understand him for it. (That one cuts me deep)
I’m sleeping on the couch because your an idiot. (He died in a video game and I laughed because he threw his controller across the room)
Don’t fucking touch me you whore.
Just kill yourself already you know nobody wants you…I’m don’t want you.
You’re just not worth it.
Why don’t you get a “real” job.
You’ll never be anything more than the big fat ugly useless nothing you are.
Every. Single. Day.
I laugh. I smile. I breathe. I run.
My heart breaks. My soul stands firm.
I am not defined by his words, cuts, or insults. He is sick. But I am not his savior or his doctor…I cannot save him from the dark abyss of his hate. So I must go…slowly, quietly, and in the night. I must go to save the “SOMETHING” that I truly am.