For a very long time, my husband has insisted that the cause of our marriage problems is that I experienced rape. He says that I can’t believe he loves me, get so hurt at what he says to me, etc., because I was raped. He fanatically says I hate all men because men raped me. Every time he said that I would delve into the memory of the rapes and reconsider their effects on my marriage.
Telling me that my rape is the source of our problems is a diversion. It turns me away from whatever Will is doing and causes me to examine myself. Blaming my past for our current problems is also wrong. Will blames me for our problems without taking any responsibility for his behavior. He wants me to blame myself for his abuse.
Although I do not believe that being raped is the cause of our problems, I spent a lot of time alone and with therapists talking about what happened when I was 14 and 19. For the record, I believe our marriage problems stem from verbal abuse. This page serves no real purpose except to let you know I did spend ample time wondering if I hated men as Will insists. I do not.
Related entry: You Need Help — It’s Not My Problem That You Hate Men.
This entry is one day out of the journal I kept while I was still in the marriage. The whole thing, in order, is the book: My Abusive Marriage . . . and what i’m doing in it. Or read the first pages if you want to see whether it’s for you.