One of the hardest parts of living in this abusive situation is knowing that “Mr. Nice Guy” will be replaced by “the other one” - the guy that is angry, loud, mean, insulting, and abusive.
I’ve learned that by switching back and forth at will, my abuser successfully keeps me in a state of alert. I never know when the switch will come. When he is “Mr. Nice Guy,” it it very easy to think and feel and hope that “the other one” is gone for good. So far, this is not the case. “The other one” always returns unexpectedly.
Current Plan for Dealing with Will:
January 22, 2009
When “conversations” with Will start turning into land mine fields, I will say, “Stop it,” and walk away while saying, “I am not able to talk to you right now, but when I feel better, I’ll come back.”
When he’s the “nice guy” he is very apologetic and tries to convince me that I’m misunderstanding his words, reading into them, etc. I am not talking to him about the abusive techniques he uses or pointing them out to him any longer because doing so seems pointless. If he wanted to change, he would have made an effort to do so by now.
It’s a fantasy, thinking that abuse can disappear, but the fantasy is what I want my reality to be SO BADLY that taking brief refuge in it is a sweet relief, and I’m willing to pretend the fantasy is real at times.
There seems to have been a shift in his techniques after the night he pushed me over the table. You see, I left and took the kids that night. I went to a friend’s house and spilled my guts about what was going on. The difference this time was that HE KNOWS I told her everything. HE KNOWS it’s not a “secret” anymore. HE KNOWS I’m willing to break my silence; HE KNOWS other people may change their perception of him, and his immediate family is NO LONGER in a protective cocoon of silence.
All of a sudden, he’s “decided” it is okay for me to take student loans to go back to school. I was going to do it anyway after he left on deployment next month, but now that I have “his decision” it relieves a lot of anxiety. Ever notice how when OUR ideas become THEIR ideas then they are acceptable and good?
Whatever. My DSS angel told me I didn’t HAVE to be ready to leave right now. It’s okay to NOT be ready to leave. I’m going to go to school so I CAN leave when/if I’m ready.
I’m empowering myself with knowledge about how he conducts his abuse, I’m standing up for myself (and children) with solid information, I know myself better, and I’m building this website to track my progress.