This conversation with an angel took place in 1998. I had already lost two babies by miscarriage in the past year. My husband never felt the pain of the miscarriages with me. He said he didn’t really know our sons until after they were born, so it was hard for him to feel the pain of losing someone he never knew.
I wish he would have let me lay my head on his chest and cry. I wish I could have hugged him and held onto him. But it doesn’t work that way with us. I’m on my own.
I have never deciphered what the “poison” in my “stream” could be; I don’t understand why it had to be this way. Let me tell you, Truth is the hardest angel to hear.
December 23, 1998
What is best for my unborn child right now?
“To go with God. To be with Him in the playground and to feel his gentle grasp on her face. Lovingly and forever.”
I want my baby with me. How do I know I am talking to you and not listening to me?
“Because I am Truth. Your baby cannot live with you. She needs her God to love her and keep her.”
I can love her too.
“No. She is special. Her concerns are not yours. Her life is not yours.”
Then why did God give her to me at all?
“As a keeper for her soul. Her soul was ready – her body is not.”
Why? What’s wrong?
“Poison in your stream.”
What Poison? Please tell me what poison is in me? What keeps her from staying with me?
“She is a girl. Your body fights her.”
So why did God give me her?
“He wanted her with Him.”
Why does God hurt me?
“You are special. You would care for them all. You would love them all and lead them to peace.”
But it hurts.
“Yes, it would but you’re chosen now.”
I don’t believe I am talking to an angel. There is no peace and comfort here. If this is true, it could be less painful. I will continue to ask God to let me keep my baby.
*Years later, I heard myself tell my son “You would love them all” and finally understood.