My Abusive Marriage Recap

Here is the abbreviated history of abuse as I experienced it from 1992 - 2010. I'm out now, life isn't perfect but it's a heck of a lot better than in 2010.While reorganizing this website, I came across some pages that don’t fit the site any longer. But I didn’t want to get rid of their brief synopses of the abuse suffered through the years. So I thought I’d add them to a brand new page and see if brevity works as well as deep explanation for my readers.

1992 – 1997

We married in April 1992. Will physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me by October 1992. These entries do not mention abuse because I thought the only abuse was one instance of physical violence – I wasn’t aware of all the rest. In hindsight, it seems obvious.

Physical violence is the last type of abuse to appear in relationships. If it were the first, all the victims would still be strong enough to leave the relationship. If the abuser can control you through other means, they do that first.

1998

These year focuses mostly on self-blame. I know something is wrong but I blame his anger and my psychology for causing the problems. In fact, blame is a huge problem this year. I accept the blame for too much and he accepts it for nothing! Despite his revered respect for mothers, he shows none of it to me; I feel like I’m invisible or that he wishes I were invisible. He wants the mothering I do done, but he doesn’t want to have to see me do it. I begin to feel he thinks we do not exist when he walks out the door for work – as if we only matter when he sees us.

1999 – 2001

I ride the misery of my abusive marriage through my children’s youngest years in Texas. I focus on being their mother, trying to take my mind off of the horrible relationship I have with my husband.

There are good times, I’m sure, but if I write of them they seem forced and almost imaginary.

Perhaps that is my hindsight and not true sight, but it seems Will’s and my honeymoon periods were short-lived and not powerful at all like some victims experience.

I stayed because I thought I should. I stayed because I couldn’t definitely say what was wrong. If I couldn’t verbalize the problem, I couldn’t solve it and I didn’t see why my children  should suffer a broken home because of my sadness.

2002 – 2007

In 2002 Will re-joined the Army and we left Texas to begin military life again. Marked by Will’s deployment to Iraq in 2003 and his return to drinking in 2004, our family seemed to fall apart.

When he was 14, my oldest son, Marc, took my van as I slept and wrecked it. Fortunately no one was hurt, but the incident scared me. Marc also started using prescription pills and smoking pot, but I didn’t notice any drug use until much later when his grades dropped. I’d long ago found that Will was no help when it came to the emotional health of our boys.  Eighty percent of the time if I asked him for help with the boys he abused either them or me. It was better to not ask.

Will’s drunken behavior woke me up somewhat to the fact that he’d never really changed while sober – he was mean all the time, but the drinking increased the frequency of his attacks.

2008

Late 2008 marks the beginning of the end to my abuse. I’d found a book that helped me to see that my husband abused me mentally, emotionally and verbally. There’s even a new incidence of physical violence. All of this brings me to a new awareness, although not always the best actions, and it’s all reflected in the journal entries. I removed several of the entries because they’re part of my book. You can preview the book if you like.

2009

At the end of 2008 he pushed me and held me down by my throat and chest. Due to Will’s back-to-back deployments, we made it through 2009.  In January 2010 he hit me across the throat and tossed me like a rag doll. If you took the deployment time away, the two events would have happened within six weeks of each other. I left him January 22, 2010.

Don’t be like me. Don’t waste your time like I did. Educate yourself and your friends about domestic violence and abuse. I did not know what happened was abuse, and your friend may not see it that way either.

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About Kellie Jo Holly

Kellie Jo Holly passionately advocates against domestic violence through her writing and mentoring service. She loves helping women cope with abuse while in the relationship and supporting them as they leave the relationship and begin to heal. You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books from Amazon.

Comments

  1. Your posts are a lifeline. Thank you for sharing them. For the first time in 20+ years of domestic abuse and escape from it, I feel validated. And no longer invisible.

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