Early in My Abusive Marriage I Blamed Myself

this post included in the book My Abusive Marriage...and what i'm doing in itWell maybe I should start keeping a journal again.

I’m out in the field – we just got news that we will be out here an extra week. I haven’t told Will yet – it seems like I never have good news to tell him. Of course, bad news doesn’t help out our situation too much. I wish one day I could give him good news that would just blow him over. Maybe the good news can’t be so easily given in a sentence or two – I must prove it to him.

I feel like I’m always proving my love to him, but I always fail in his eyes. Always. I can’t do anything well enough.

I do love him though. I love him more definitely than I’ve ever loved anyone.


This is the earliest journal entry I can find that describes our relationship. It I wrote it on a single sheet of notebook paper, college rule and I don’t know if there were other pages. I don’t remember what made me save this one.

I didn’t journal much in the early days because I was optimistic and trusting. I was becoming aware of problems, but mostly blamed myself and thought that with time and effort, we would smooth out the wrinkles.

We’d been married for about six months at this point and had dated for 8 months before the marriage. Our relationship moved very quickly; I doubt that a longer dating period would have changed my mind about marrying him.

this post is an excerpt from Kellie Jo Holly's book

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About Kellie Jo Holly

Kellie Jo Holly passionately advocates against domestic violence through her writing and mentoring service. She loves helping women cope with abuse while in the relationship and supporting them as they leave the relationship and begin to heal. You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. You can buy her books from Amazon.

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