The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
My spouse tells me that I do all of these things but I don’t. He says that I assaulted him physically when I did not touch him, he’s said that on a few occasions.
I feel like my memories are delusions because when I speak about something in the past, he often says that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about or calls me crazy and says I’m making things up or lying to myself.
I told him if I was crazy I should be in a hospital at least for observation but he refuses to take me to see a dr.
His friend Jeremy made a fake website and it looks just like the website for a domestic violence support group, but everything in the website describes normal reactions to abusive behavior and claims that the normal reactions of someone being gaslit are actually the actions of someone trying to brainwash you.
He says I’m horrible all the time and how I do all theses bad things but I don’t think I do a bunch of bad stuff. I don’t trust him.
I catch him lying a lot and confront him with proof that he’s lying but he denies it anyhow. He calls the cops on my when I try to talk to him about the times he spends plying video games but it’s my fault.
Im responsible for everything and im always wrong. It was my fault he broke my daughters finger, and punched holes in the doors, and was arrested after locking me outside of on Christmas Eve and threatening to beat my 16 yr old autistic child.
It is my fault
I’ve been reading your articles for 4 years now Kelly Jo. It’s interesting to get advice like “dump him”, “just leave” or “RUN”…obviously these likely well-meaning people have no clue what it’s like to be in such a relationship. Just yesterday in the space of 12 hours, I counted three times where he uplifted my hopes then dashed them…this kind of rollercoaster creates a terrible cycle of cortisol release and physically harms the body as well as the mental state. The fight/flight goes off and I usually freeze to be honest. I’m hoping that 2021 will be the year I finally find the strength, support and courage to release him and move on. Thanks for being a beacon of hope. ♥
Might be helpful to mention the lovebombing at the beginning of many gaslighting relationships…that tends to create an addiction of sorts, keeps you confused (because someone so sweet, loving and attentive can’t possibly be that bad/cruel/heartless, right?!?) and hoping (desperately, miserably) that you’ll get that goodness back…
That’s part of their plan…to make you question others’ intentions, make you “need”/want only them, until you feel compelled to accommodate their sick need for praise, attention, compliance, POWER.
My ex- CL partner was the sweetest, most loving man ever…UNTIL I started questioning a few things, challenging his lack of contributing to the household, lack of effort, etc…(he moved into MY house, then expected me to support him, in every way).
Over time, he used everything I’d ever told him -about the people and things I valued in life, private things I’d shared about my vulnerabilities/self-consciousness…to slowly crush my self-esteem, confidence, and trust in other people. Subtle comments led me to question my friends, family’s sincerity, care for me, etc…
I was belittled in every way possible- worst daughter, mother, friend, coworker, partner, etc…he challenged my integrity and work ethic (family, hard work, integrity, and compassion towards all living creatures are my greatest values); compared me to other women/ex-partners (I always came up short, of course)…
When I got a promotion and was 2 levels above him in the hierarchy (at the same agency), his abuse intensified…when I tried to separate myself from him, he threatened suicide and spread lies to my friends, family, and my/our coworkers- those who know me didn’t believe him, fortunately, but it damaged my career and relationships…some irreparably.
I tried to stay strong, separated myself further (I started working late every day), then he started with physical intimidation-grabbed me, threw me around, destroyed objects I cherished, whipped things at me…food, hard objects, anything he could grab…to shame or scare me…blocked my way out of rooms, cornered me (often), sometimes with fist raised, reminding me I was “lucky” he could “still” control his anger…excused his behaviour as having CTE (brain injury from football in high school)…challenged my professional skills (I’m a psychotherapist) and compassion because I didn’t “understand” him and show love for him despite his behaviour.
He lied about the situation to his family, and played the victim despite his continuous mooching, threats, intimidation and lies.
The shame, confusion, and stress of this relationship almost broke me. I feel scarred, struggle to trust now, but I’m working through these issues…
Word of warning: if he/she seems “too good to be true”, they are. Don’t ignore small red flags…if a person disrespects you, RUN.
Despite my training, education, and work experience, I was fooled. It can happen to anyone…don’t let it be you
It was easier for me to count the things my husband hasn’t done on here which is 30. I was starting to think I was the crazy one. So I think it’s safe to say something is seriously wrong in my relationship. Right?
DEAR LORD..THIS IS 100% MY GIRLFRIEND. I LOST MY WIFE YO CANCER 2.5 YEARS AGO, AND THIS GIRL WHIM I THOUGHT WAS DO NICE ..SO CARING…SHE DOES 1/2 THE CRAPPY THINGS LISTED IN THE ARTICLE
.. HER SPECIALTY IS TURNING EVERYTHING SHE DOES UNTO OTHER PEOPLE SHE HAS NO RESPONSIBILITY AND TAKES NONE FOR HER ACTIONS……… I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHY I STAY.
I REALLY DON’T
KNOW