The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes Digital Download” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
Why don’t we discuss these attributes from the perspective of a man and how women use them. The very neglect of the male perspective conveys the often inherent prejudice bias in relationship discussions. The fact is, there are woman, especially nowadays with these new movements, that leverage the current politics and bias to repetitively bully the man. Since you have failed to provide an accurate portrayal of this topic from both perspectives let me enlighten you.
Name Calling
Selfish Asshole
Psycho
Dick
Deadbeat Can’t Provide For The Woman
Bully
Intimacy Breakers
“Why Don’t You Man Up & Provide For The Family? Men Should Provide.”
“Do You Understand? Why Do I always Here Your Point of View?”
“I don’t want to hear you complain about anything, don’t be weak!”
Often Bottles Up Feelings & Then Explodes at Random Moments
Decides to stonewall or be distant when upset
Says things she doesn’t mean and throws out insults
Complains about opinion-based problems with no clear or measurable solution, typically in a way that frames the man as selfish in an over exaggerated situation
Consistently Puts Everyone Else’s Desires Over Hers & Then Complains When She Gets Exhausted of Helping Everyone Even Though You tell her to help / love herself first and be able to accept gifts offered because you can’t love if you don’t love yourself.
Tells You What You’re Doing
“Your a momma’s boy.”
“Why don’t you wash dishes ever”
“You only think about yourself!”
** Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, what you really meant when you said/did something. ** Women do this just as often if not more
** “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!” – Although it’s wrong to assume, it doesn’t change the fact that some people are manipulative
Plays Word Games
Interrupts you and claims your always interrupting as she does it so you second guess yourself
Claims your taking their statement out of context when you identify the statement and then connect it with the current argument.
Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t or fabricates a complete lie and makes you question your sanity but if your a normal human being also causes you to doubt yourself whilst getting a feeling your being manipulated because of her surety and conviction
Instead of answering a question always deflects and points out a past problem that is irrelevant and had already been discussed just to divert your attention.
Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen because they know nobody ever takes a man serious when they say there woman is aggressive
Uses distance and stonewalling to make you feel bad even when she’s wrong
Belittles You
“You have no money; you don’t pay enough bills. Why haven’t you paid my car payment!?”
“You don’t know how treat me, you don’t do enough sweet things for me! No! Bringing me Flowers to work and helping out around the house isn’t enough!”
“Your a child and don’t know how to be a responsible adult”
“I don’t know why you have so many friends, you should spend all your time with me. Our relationship should define you”
“Why aren’t you always thinking about me? Your a selfish little man”
Insults People And Pets You Love
“You should love my dog and neglect yours because its a pitbull and they hurt people.”
“Your dad left your mom because he’s a player and your going to be just like him!”
Visibly annoyed or upset when you show love to your pet, even gets jealous of the affection.
“You shouldn’t help your mom, your a momma’s boy!”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
Avoids wearing revealing clothing, even at home or in private, because she’s insecure
Emasculates you mentally and then expects you to be a good boy and give her your endowment on demand
Feels threatened by any other woman or your acknowledgement of the existence of any other woman but her.
Expects you to face her, show affection, even if you had an argument and are upset with her because she believes you owe it to her
Constantly argues when your truthful even when she kind of already knows the truth, making you less forthcoming about argumentative topics.
Constantly expected to know every time insecurity makes her feel dirty or bad instead of her being responsible she constantly frames herself as a victim
Tells you its okay for you to have space and hang out with your friends and then insults you or withdraws.
Claims you never have sex but then uses legally incriminating language to describe you showing her affection like the phrase sexual assault.
Constantly mistreated by poorly-chosen partners then victimizes herself and says its there fault she decided to get in the sack without appropriately vetting their intentions.
Constantly complains about a man’s vocabulary or personality instead of looking for those qualities in a partner during the courting phase
Looks For Validation Instead of Having a Strong Sense of Security
Looks for validation in all her choices and gets upset if her partner doesn’t unanimously praise her for her decisions
Expects you to always paint her in the best light and compliment her – she doesn’t like critical statements even if they are the truth or from tough love from the heart
Expects praise for actions that don’t need praise, expects to be thanked for doing things you do for her without thinking twice
Constantly doubts your ability but gets upset any time you question hers
Loves to mock you but doesn’t like it when you mock her
Likes to Overemphasize Medical Issues
She decides that she’s hurt conveniently after a fight and needs to go to the emergency room even if there isn’t an issue just to make you feel bad
You cater to any seemingly major medical issues yet she describes you as inconsiderate
She acts like a $10 co-pay for her own doctor visit is going to break the bank, she doesn’t know how to politely ask for help when she needs it
She doesn’t know how to be self-deprecating or make light of anything so you can’t make fun of her medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.) even though she says the terms
Chooses to be depressed and avoid solutions to any problems because she prefers being a victim and blaming others for her inadequacies
She doesn’t know how to love unconditionally so she’s constantly upset when she discovers love isn’t tit for tat
Fabricates Needs To Make You Feel Bad
Says she’s not hungry with subtle sarcasm, and gets mad you didn’t notice and only made food for yourself
She get’s upset because I constantly help with chores and expect everyone to do their part including teenagers – she thinks that if we all become responsible and independent she won’t be needed any more. Her insecurity makes sabotage my efforts to teach kid to become a contributing responsible young adult.
Claims you don’t ask about her day even though you constantly do, whenever you don’t they will point it out even though they much-more rarely ask you
Chooses to remember you as a dumb caveman that doesn’t ask or talk about anything with any shred of thought or intellect because men are stereotypically less intellect able
Forces you to sleep on her schedule even though you never led her to believe you slept at those hours since you started dating and she gets annoyed or upset if she’s bothered.
Gifts Are Not Appreciated or Mistakenly Seen As Given For Ulterior Motives
She claims your gift did not come form the heart because it didn’t have all the details the movies told her it should have like wrapping paper and removed price tags. Although men see gifts for what they are, gifts, women have managed to let their insecurity and deep innate feelings of inadequacy make them feel that a gift given is just a ruse used by men to show disdain and scorn.
Doesn’t know how to accept gifts that are just because or given because a fight caused reflection on the relationship.
Assumes you know everything and don’t make mistakes. She doesn’t know how to forgive so she’s perpetually brooding.
Disrespects Your Belongings
Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
Claims You Don’t Do Your Part Although She Constantly Milks You Dry Using the “Men should be providers,” ruse
Demands that you pay three bills because she pays one
Gets visibly upset if you don’t give them your money or access to your financials
Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
Pushes to establish a joint bank account when the relationship is still young
Get upset when you start budgeting and tracking expenses for transparency
Threatens Or Intimidates You
“You should pick your words very carefully”
Constantly uses aggressive language to vaguely threaten you
She constantly threatens to make some sort of legal accusation even if there is no legal reasoning to do so because courts always believe the woman
Threatens to take you to court over issues she knows she’ll lose, but she’ll be happye\ to waste your time.
I’m on ssdi I came off Valium a dr gave me 18 years up to 120 mg ! I couldn’t sleep I had from my ex 3 years in home care ! I had to relearn to eat My dad was so angers I left my ex ! He dropped my brokers in Indiana! However kept it in Ky ! He tells everyone I’m bi polar and that I want to kill him and my brother he calls me a bitch he left my brother hit me hard and said he done it himself He threaten to kick me out of apts Mom begged him to use her inheritance to buy me a condo He threaten forclouse on my home told me people like me now file bankruptcy I refused help mom has Alzheimer’s
You have mentioned everything that my boyfriend has done to me. Will he ever get better? Does it become worse? Why is he like this, what made him be like this? Does he really hate me? Is there anything that I can do to help him?
Everything is all true
I still can’t believe I let myself be abused. I wish I was strong minded cause what I know now I would had definitely made a difference. I hope who ever is reading this takes the consideration to get out now and save yourself and children if any. Not only are you being damaged, but your children as well
Well he repeatedly everyday and hours accused me of cheating like he has proof punches holes in wall threaten to stab me or burn my house down I have 5 kids he wants a baby but he don’t let me go to the doctor for a check up with out accusations he gives me money for bills not for needs but his needs then when angry take it back destroyed everything he ever got me