The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
Sleeps with people close to you to emotionally destroy for sick sadistic pleasure.
Has a harem of competitive sad borderline pathetic he has broken to his pathetic ways while being a pathetic excuse for a human being… That think they are winning a lose/lose situation by momentarily getting an upper hand sporadically when they just playing the sick twisted game he wants them to play when he really doesn’t care about any of them.
He is a JOB. As in he will always treat you subservient. But any form of relationship whether as a friend, family member or intimate partner is not a job. You are not a prostitute.
Uses the same tired pity party pick up tactic to not have to invest any emotional effort into anything.
Will always do the opposite of what you want just because he knows you want it or may like it. Even if he likes it.
He will destroy anything that bonds you two together and that you both get enjoyment from. Because he sees happiness as a plague to eradicate from his life.
Youre just a bet for some unknown sport hes playing. A pawn. Battle fodder.
I think this information is great, cuz I’m going through it. And I finally separated from him, with my baby
I have been with my husband since I was 19. He lived in Virginia and me in California. He convinced me to go to Virginia after talking on the phone for 4 months. We had a mutual friend…that is how we met. I left my home and traveled to Virginia. Once I got there…I quickly realized he had lied to me about him and his supposed ex-wife. They were separated and going through a divorce is what he told me. That was far from the truth. Now I was stuck…I told him I was going back home and he assured me that they were separating…so being nieve…I believed him. A month later…he packed up his belongings and what I had brought with me and we left and headed for Las Vegas. Where his mom lived. We have been together ever since. About 6 months after getting to Vegas…he started treating me badly. He would go out with friends and leave me behind. I would come home from work and he had female friends there from work. If I said anything…he would tell me they were just friends. He even left one weekend and was gone for 4 days. He had left and went to Modesto and met with his ex-wife. He came back and told me to stop accusing him of stuff or he would just start doing what I was accusing him of. I got pregnant with our first son. Things were good for a bit. But then he started up again. He would leave me behind. Leave me stranded. We had my son. He developed a gambling problem. We never had any money. Cause he would take my pay checks too. We would move from place to place. I left him once…with my son..because he brought his druggy cousin in to live with us. He started using too. But when I left….I ended up coming back because he was making life hell for my family…calling them and threatening them…to where they had to change their numbers. My dad got sick…so out of fear for my family…I went back to him. So he would just leave them alone. So now I was stuck with no one to turn to. He never allowed me to have friends. And my family was in California…a whole state away. Even if I wanted to try and seek them out…I couldnt. I had no money. He took my pay checks. He then told me I had to do drugs with him and do sexual things for him or he was going to leave me. By this time we had 2 sons. While i was at work he had other girls come over…caring for my sons…when I blew up…he threatened me. Saying he would get the kids taken from me for doing the things he made me do…that I was a bad mom. And that all that was a test to see if I was dirty or not. That if I was a real woman…I would not have given in to him…done the drugs or sex acts for him. By this time I was at my lowest. Ashamed of myself…I stopped the drugs…because I got pregnant with my 3rd son. And would not do anything like that being pregnant. My last son i was in the hospital for 27 days on life support. I lost weight instead of gaining weight. I think it was all the stress and pressure of how he was and how he treated me. When I had my son…I never went back to the drugs….was off for 5 years….he was still the same way…and then started up again. Saying if i didnt do them again he was going to leave me and take everything. I had become so worn down by his abuse and treatment. I could keep on and on….22 years later….he is still the same. He doesnt screw around anymore. But be bas made me a virtual recluse. He doesnt let me drive anymore or go out unless he takes me. Im 200 lbs overweight due to lack of excercise. He calls me names everyday. Then tells me he loves me and I am his angel. My oldest boy is gone and in the Army. My other 2 are 19 and 17. He yells at them and then says he doesnt mean what he says. I am hoping they leave like their brother and get away from him. His mom woukd always preach to me that I cant take the kids and leave that they need both parents in the home. And that it would be worse if I left. Cause of how relentless he is. Im just waiting for my 17 year old to graduate. Then I am gone. I tried yo take my 17 year old earlier this year and get him to come with me to my moms…but he said NO…that she doesnt have internet and Xbox…So I told him then your dads bullshit must not bother you that much. My 2 sons that are at home treat me like shit too. They dont do anything I ask of them. They talk back to me. They dont clean up after themselves. And they take their dads side against me…but then they talk shit to me if their dad doesnt let them do what they want. Im fed up with everything. I have done the best I could do with what I had. I always put the boys first before me. But if I tried to leave my mother would say..ok…but he better not do this or that…so I never left cause I was afraid of having my family turn on me. His mom just kept saying the same thing she always says. But…I dont care anymore. As soon as my youngest graduates…I am done. I hate him…I just say I love you or I care to just get him off my back. But I absolutely hate him. When my son graduates…I did my job…I stayed until the last one was 18. He and his brother can decide if they want to deal with their dad. My oldest is the only one that treats me good. He just turned 21 and is married.
He listened to me and got out…just like I have told the other 2 to do. But they choose to stay…I have made it clear…that I am gone…after the youngest is out of school. But hopefully I can last that long…I have 9 months left to go. But he still calls me names everyday…tells me to shut up if I try to talk back. Then he says I make him this way. I just dont care anymore. I let myself go. But inside I want to lose weight…and enjoy life again. Im 42 yrs old…and I dont think I know what it is like to have someone really love you.
What about when you abandon your family for theirs, and then they start to act like it’s your he’s abusive or blame you for calling the police and threatening him being on the streets and their only excuse is, well you keep coming back??
This is all very good info, but some of it is so specific I’m not sure everyone will be able to relate. For years I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who abused me “covertly.” Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE thought he was the most charming, funniest, sweetest man ever, but the second their backs were turned or we were behind closed doors he was a monster.
The book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond” by Patricia Evans, woke me up to just what I was dealing with. Being in verbally abusive relationships is very disorienting by design on the part of the abuser. This book not only helped me realize the true nature of my situation, but also gave me the tools to safely deal with the abuse and to also eventually get out of that nightmare relationship!
Best of luck and God Bless anyone dealing with verbal abuse. It’s extremely difficult, to say the very least.