The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).
The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.
The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.
Name Calling
- Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
- Crazy Bitch, Psycho
- Whore, Slut
- Heartless Ho
- Stupid
- Worthless
- Lazy
- Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
- On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence
Intimacy Breakers
- “It is none of your fucking business.”
- “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
- “Shut up”
- Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
- Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
- Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
- Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
Tells You What You’re Doing
- “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
- “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
- “Stop being a drama queen!”
- “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
- Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.
Plays Word Games
- Interrupts you when you’re talking.
- Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
- Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
- Changes the subject to divert your attention.
- Tells you what you really mean to say.
- Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
- Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
- Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
- Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.
Tries to Appear Better Than You
- “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
- “At least I have a job.”
- “You know nothing about the real world!”
- “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”
Insults People And Pets You Love
- “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
- “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
- Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
- “Your kid is such a sissy!”
- “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
- “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”
Sexual Insults And Injuries
- Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
- Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- “You were just a good fuck.”
- Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
- Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
- Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
- Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
- Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
- Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
- Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.
Insults Your Ideas and Dreams
- The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
- Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
- Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
- “That is never going to work.”
- Mocks and makes fun of you.
A private place to write it down
If you already know why you’re here, there’s a private log built for exactly this: the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log. Write things down before you second-guess them, in a document made to stay yours.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99There is also a bundle offer at the end of this article.
They Do Not Care About Your Medical Issues
- You’re hurt after a fight with them and say you should go to the emergency room…the abuser’s response is “Quit your whining and crying and leave”.
- Major medical issue comes up and the abuser unavailable to comfort you or just disappears.
- Acts like a $10 co-pay for your doctor visit is going to break the bank.
- Makes fun of your medications (happy pills, crazy pills, etc.)
- Tells you that depression is in your head and if you appreciated them like you should you wouldn’t be such a sad sack.
Thoughtless of Your Needs
- Makes lunch for themselves without asking if you want any (on purpose).
- Doesn’t help with the kids or household chores.
- Does not ask you about your day.
- Does not start and/or engage in thoughtful communication.
- Keeps you up all night “talking” or raging. Interrupts your sleep for tiny things they could handle alone.
Gifts Are Not From the Heart or Used As Tools
- Gives gifts that did NOT come from the heart, isn’t wrapped, has a price tag on it, tossed at you with no emotion but scorn, etc.
- Gifts given after fights to gain your forgiveness.
- Ignores (“forgets”) your birthday or holidays that are special to you.
Disrespects Your Belongings
- Destroys things that are important to you.
- Destroys or makes you destroy pictures, diaries, letters, or anything else of sentimental value from before the relationship with you.
- Throws away your clothes that either you love or the abuser hates.
- Gaslighting (purposely moves your things or changes your environment and then denies doing it).
- Hides your personal belongings and denies knowing where they are.
- Steals your jewelry, pawns it, then brings another piece home to place in your jewelry box and pretends it is the missing piece.
- Insists you promised to do something that you know you didn’t promise.
- Engages in crazy making behaviors at your expense.
Withholds Financial Information or Money
- Demands that you shop for the household but doesn’t give you enough money to cover necessities.
- Makes you give them your paycheck.
- Doesn’t give you access to the bank accounts.
- Makes you believe that you cannot budget or save, that you waste money, or generally cannot figure out how to handle your financial matters.
- Gives you complete access to the bank accounts and allows you to make financial decisions, but uses your decisions as a tool to verbally and mentally abuse you.
- Closes joint bank accounts with no notice.
- Finds a way to close your bank accounts using your passwords and security information.
Threatens Or Intimidates You
- “Maybe I should just do pot, porn and date other women so you will leave me.”
- “I should run you through the wood chipper out there!”
- “If you don’t shut your ever-runnin’ mouth,…”
- Says “This is YOU!” and hits something or says nothing but you know they’re hitting things to scare you.
- Jerks the steering wheel from you when you’re driving or drives like a crazy person with you in the car.
- Spits on you.
- Threatens to take you to court over issues they know they will lose, but be able to waste your time anyway.
- Seeks attention by threatening suicide. Intimidates you into doing things by threatening suicide.
Abandons and/or Threatens to Abandon You Physically
- Pushes you out of the car and leaves you in a strange place without your personal effects (i.e. cell phone, purse, wallet).
- Takes you to their family’s home far away and then leaves you at their mother’s house for two days while partying with cousins.
- “Maybe I just won’t come home tonight!”
- “I’ll take our kids and leave you on the street!”
Physically Insults or Assaults You
- Spits on you.
- Blocks your exit.
- Drags you.
- Grabs you and makes you stay in one place.
- Hits, punches, or slaps you.
- Kicks you.
- Makes you hold pillows so they can “practice” fighting/self-defense.
- Pinches you
- Squeezes you too tightly.
- Chokes you or puts you in a position where they could easily choke you.
You just read what’s been happening to you.
Here’s somewhere to put it.
Reading a list like this is one thing. Writing down what’s actually happening in your own relationship, in your own words, is another.
That’s what the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is for: a private, structured place to record what’s said and done to you, so there’s a record you can trust, even when your memory feels less certain.
What’s inside:
- Quick Capture pages for when you only have thirty seconds and need to get it down before you forget, or before someone’s back in the room.
- Detailed Record pages for later, when you have more time to write.
- Pattern Review pages that help you see what’s repeating, not just what happened once.
- A Summary page, built to hand to an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney, without having to explain everything from scratch every time.
It’s not a diagnosis, and it’s not a legal document. It’s a way to keep your own record straight, whether you’re still deciding what this is, still living with it, or getting ready to talk to someone about it.
Privacy. Not everyone needs to hide that they bought this, but every download works the same way regardless. Needing that privacy, or not needing it, has nothing to do with how much what’s happening to you matters.
The download opens with a couple of pages made to look like a recipe file before the real Log begins. PayPal will send you a purchase confirmation email, but even that uses a discreet product name, not the title of what you bought.
Getting it. After you pay through PayPal, you’re brought right back here to a download page where your file is ready and waiting.
Price. $8.99 on its own.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen” $8.99If you also want the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, the two together are $18.99, or $3 less than buying them separately. The Safety Plan Workbook covers what to do before, during, and after leaving; the Log covers what to write down along the way. Get one or both, whichever is useful to you right now.
Purchase “Recipes from Mama's Kitchen Bundle” $18.99The file name for the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is recipes-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the cover of your downloaded document will say “Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”. It’s the same for the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook, except the file name is more-recipes-from-mamas-kitchen.pdf and the title showing is “More Recipes from Mama’s Kitchen”.
Written by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who has worked in domestic violence advocacy since founding VerbalAbuseJournals.com in 2008.
What to do? One minute, one choice at a time. Tonight,He is recovering from 2 days of binge drinking and whatever else he has done with whomever, wherever. I try to stay away. I lock myself in a small room in a separate part of the home. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be bothered every 10 minutes with another attack of ” hey pig, where are my keys?” Or ” hey bi&$ are you going out to be a Who&)$@ tonight? your such a stupid piece of s&$$, I should have left you a long time ago.” This is my life. Probably 4x a week. I can probably say I might have 1 good day when he isn’t drinking or hungover. The question is, do I keep myself locked in here like a prisoner listening to this or do I leave and know the abuse and crazy accusations will be twice as bad when I return? I do t want to leave my dog or my home just to try to find some peace somewhere for a couple of hours. But, he will be continue to be in my face yelling ( but not touching me of course) until he gets a reaction. It’s a no win situation for me. Stay and be attacked or leave just to get it twice as bad when I return. It’s my home. He refuses to leave unless I evict him. And that can take months. This can only end 1 of 3 ways. If he dies, if he goes to jail, or if he kills me. His raging voice tells me he isn’t going to pass away, he won’t physically do anything to warrant being arrested. So, do I just wait? Do I close my eyes and hope I am able to open them in the morning? My safest bet tonight is to stay home, try to ignore the screaming and hope he leaves or passes out. One day. One choice at a time. – the life I can’t escape from
Let all things done by Those who bring Darkness into the lives of Others have light Shown upon them for their Iniquities. For the Truth of the Innocent Shall Not be in Vain ,The Truth shall deliver Them from all their Sorrows ,The veil will be lifted and their Hearts Restored. Love will guide them into a Sacred place where there is Peace & Healing. I send Out this Prayer of Protection to All my Brothers and Sisters that Suffer or are Suffering. May you Be Lifted & Blessed ~ Safely Resting in the Arms of Angels.
Amen & Amen.
Satan appears to be very busy.The monster in my house has committed at least 90% of the list~ physical assaults ,verbal, mental, emotional abuse ,silent treatment, you name it he has done it.Did I mention he’s a ** Narcissist~ Psychopath ** I call it NarcoPath. Beware of these entities they’re called emotional vampires for good reason. I highly recommend researching Narcissism and Psychopaths, some of you will have a very BIG AHA moment ,it’s not you it’s them , take a DEEP BREATH of RELIEF you’re on the right track KEEP GOING.They always put on a good show outside of the house as most abusers do,however they take things to a much lower realm to complete destruction of YOU.They will slander your name, belittle you,call your friends and family members degrading you trying to make you look Crazy when you stand up to their Disgusting actions. It sickens me to know most people have no clue how Vile this man he really is, although a handful do & Thank God for them they are My Rock & Support.Recently I found out he molested my daughter yrs. ago while living in my home ~ I am Livid & RAGING RED !!! Hell No,Not in My House, Not with My Daughter NOT with any Ones Child. May of this year 2016 he was JUSTIFYING having sex with teens ,He said and I quote ” You Can’t Rape The Willing ” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing ,this is a 51 yr. old man, WTH ??!?! What kind of EVIL BEING is he. He has destroyed everything that was once good in my life into an evil living nightmare. He lies, bullies, steals, cheats, spits ,beats, black eyes, bruises, pounding doors down ,flipping furniture the list goes on and on and on.
And Yes in the beginning he posed himself to be everything I was looking for — ALL LIES.
Most importantly if they’re Abusing You there is a Good Possibility they’re Abusing your Children. Please ,Please, Please Talk to your Children before it’s too late. I can not Emphasize this enough.The scars left go unseen, but they are there & they need love to heal. Much Love ,Light & Healing to All
Justice Is on Its Way & Karma will Finish the Job.
My husband of 21years has me exactly where he wants me. He insisted I quit my job, I have no income and no access to a dime. He does not allow me to drive any of “his” vehicles. I am ready to leave but have no where to go. He’s kept me from family and made sure I have no friends. He “allows” me to live under his roof and eat his food. I am at the point of thinking death would be better than living in the hell I call life at this moment.
My husband, who is a narcissist, pushed and hit me twice before I left 6 years ago. Unfortunately I couldn’t stay gone and came back after taking the kids to TX. He told me I would be happier if I submitted to him. As a woman of God, I tried and believed God would reward me. I spent the last 6 years analyzing everyday if I had submitted to him and rightfully concluded that even though I had done little more with my life since returning to him, I had been a good wife. We moved to another area where I had high hopes and big dreams and I started to thrive—yet my husband began to correct me when I told him what I did that I was proud of as I started volunteering. Then he would call the person on my behalf and change what I said to them, making me look like a fool if I didn’t follow through on what he said “I” was doing.
My glimmer of hope faded when I had previously shared a lifelong dream with him and he took it over as his idea, told me I’d have control and the first step I made he stopped me and took control of the project back, telling me I was stupid and would get ripped off. (Turns out that cost him 1/3 more–ha! payback). That took the wind out of my sails and I grieved for that dream. I started taking walks by myself. He was very jealous and would call me and accuse me of where had I been? I was simply walking. He demanded to be able to come along, and for once, just a very few times in our whole marriage, I told him no, I needed to walk alone. You would have thought I stabbed him in the back. This is after rarely even saying no to sex. Rarely saying no to anything. SO many years of doing things I did not want to do.
After that I got the cold shoulder, along with only being asked about my day TWICE in 8 months. When he said he was done with me, I finally realized thank God! I agreed he should hurry and get a divorce lawyer. Strangely enough he is delaying that, as I slowly make plans—getting money saved, closing joint cards, getting an attorney, trying to find a job… When we talk about our marriage he always asks me about my medication—which a month ago he insisted I go get on because he was tired of my depression.
I can’t tell you how relieved I am to see that abuse causes depression, and how much better I have felt when I finally faced I had made a mistake marrying him, if God forgives me, why am I holding myself hostage? When I accepted that I had to leave, I began to treat myself with so much kindness and patience and encouragement. Reading about narcissists has helped immensely. But I do feel hopeful of the future now that I know it will be without him. I think that is technically the opposite of depression.
I have prayed to God about him—these men have no conscious, they have hearts of stone—in our spirits’ heart, it has eyes and ears—therefore if it is a hardened heart, neither of those functions work and he cannot hear or see what he does. Only God can replace his heart. Not my job. Columbus Day will signal the end of my slave term, wish me luck ladies.
Thank you for listening.