Things Abusers Say and Do to Gain Power Over You

The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is knowing the answer to What Is Verbal Abuse? If you can say to yourself, “Hey! That’s abuse!” then you’ll more easily detach from the abuse emotionally and find a psychologically or physically safe place. Safety planning can help protect you against things abusers say and do (Hurtful Words Don’t Define You).

The things abusers say and do are designed to control you. Whether abusers say and do these things knowingly or unconsciously, the result is the same: you feel lower than dirt, afraid, and intimidated. In your weakened state, your abuser finds it much easier to gain power over you.

The following statements and actions are common things abusers say and do. Contribute your comments and take a look at everyone else’s comments too.

Name Calling

• Idiot, Stupid Cunt, Go sit in the corner where you belong (dunce)
• Crazy Bitch, Psycho
• Whore, Slut
• Heartless Ho
• Stupid
• Worthless
• Lazy
• Says “woman” or “man” in a sarcastic tone or demeaning tone.
• On the flip side, they may refuse to say your name at all to deny your existence

Intimacy Breakers

• “It is none of your fucking business.”
• “Why don’t you fucking leave?” or “Get the fuck out of my house.”
• “Shut up”
• Says “I don’t care about your feelings.”
• Often leaves you hanging when they promised to do something with you.
• Consistently puts their desires and schedule above yours.
• Breaks up often then comes running back, begging for forgiveness.
• Interrupts you when you’re talking.

Tells You What You’re Doing

• “Yes, why don’t you stuff your feelings inside.”
• “You’ve got your priorities screwed up.”
• “Stop being a drama queen!”
• “Stop crying – we both know you’re faking it to get your way!”
• Tells you what your intentions are, what you intend to do, and what you really meant when you said/did something.

Plays Word Games

• Interrupts you when you’re talking.
• Repeats “your exact words” but takes them out of context or makes up something that you did not say or mean.
• Challenges you to remember “exact words” but you can’t (or tells you you’re wrong) because the conversation is so confusing you don’t know exactly what they’re talking about anymore.
• Changes the subject to divert your attention.
• Tells you what you really mean to say.
• Drones on for hours, repeating the same points, getting nowhere, until you’re so exhausted you want to agree just to get them to be quiet (brainwashing).
• Re-defines words to mean what they want them to mean.
• Denies saying what they said (even if you’re playing it back to them from a digital recorder, they may deny meaning what they obviously meant).
• Uses tricks like abusive anger to get you to be quiet or listen.

Tries to Appear Better Than You

• “You have no money; without me, you’d be lost.”
• “At least I have a job.”
• “You know nothing about the real world!”
• “At least I know how to make friends that matter.”

Insults People And Pets You Love

• “Why don’t you leave, and take your geriatric dog too? I hope he falls dead.”
• “I hope your dog gets killed in the road right in front of you!”
• Uses threatening gestures toward your pets.
• “Your kid is such a sissy!”
• “Your mother left your dad to chase cock and you’re going to do the same to me!”
• “I’m really concerned that your sister will influence you to be a bitch like she is.”

Sexual Insults And Injuries

• Rapes you (it is possible to rape you even if you are married to the abuser).
• Makes you wear clothing that makes you feel uncomfortable.
• “You were just a good fuck.”
• Turns their back to you while laying in bed to show a withdrawal of affection.
• Lies incessantly about porn or cheating, even when faced with proof.
• Makes you feel “dirty” during or after sex with comments they know you don’t like.
• Uses sexual or racial slurs because they know you don’t like them.
• Tells you to go to a party alone and then insults you, withdraws, or sexually assaults you when you come home.
• Knows the meaning and value that you tie with having sex, but breaks up with you right after sex saying they lied about their feelings to get you into bed.
• Uses crude names for your body parts and knows you do not like them.

Insults Your Ideas and Dreams

• The churches, restaurants, movies, etc. that you choose are not good enough.
• Your career interests are “fluffy” or not real jobs.
• Insults the gifts you give or acts disinterested.
• “That is never going to work.”
• Mocks and makes fun of you.