February 21, 1995

So much hurt, but I don’t want to give up on him. I worry that Al-Anon, by making me happy, will encourage him to drink. [I'm partly right. Al-Anon helped me find my happy. When abuse victims are happy, the abuser finds us harder to control, so they increase the abuse to get us back in line. My happiness didn't encourage his drinking, it encouraged his abuse.]

He won’t have to worry about MY reaction to his drinking, so WHY NOT DRINK?

But then, I see when he is using me for the excuse to drink. And he did it just while ago because I don’t know how to react when I know he’s planning to drink.

I need to PLAN how to react to his drinking so I am not his excuse. But how?

It hurts to bite my tongue and say nothing. I want him to hurt too, but his hurt is his reason for drinking. He already hurts.