During my marriage, I lived in isolation. I knew people outside of my home and sometimes shared specific experiences concerning my ex-husband with them. But somehow, I managed to keep most of the pain and embarrassment concerning my family’s truths buried deep inside. So deeply were they buried that I was able to keep them secret even from myself.
I could acknowledge and even vent about single incident, say an argument or behavior that annoyed or hurt me. I spread my venting comments around throughout the people I knew so none of them knew the entire truth at one time. No one, in my opinion, had enough information to put two and two together; no one could have said, “Hey, Kellie, his behavior sounds abusive!”
That is, until I began writing this blog. At that point, you readers were able to put two and two together for me. You anonymous readers knew more about my life than the people who saw me every day or week or month.
When you began validating my experience, chiming in and calling abuse “ABUSE”, only then did I begin to completely confide in some of the people I knew in my “real life” here in North Carolina. For your anonymous support, I am eternally grateful. Before this blog, I lived in isolation.
From that experience, I’ve learned what it feels to be alone, separate from reality. I am feeling isolated again – secretive, hurting, and ashamed.
The difference is that I feel I cannot share all of my emotions and thoughts with you, my anonymous friends, because of the new and very “real” people now in my life. Before, during my marriage, there was no one who could hurt any more or less by the personal experiences I described. I now am connected with people who care about me, wonder about me, and for themselves in my posts. Maybe they wonder if I am going to mention them directly or indirectly, wonder if the pseudonym they see is their name in disguise.
I’ve been silent, for the most part, since realizing this. I don’t want to hurt anyone by sharing what I’ve experienced the past few months with them, and because they’re now a part of my life, the bits and pieces of my old marriage/current separation have merged into this life I now share with the new people I know.
It’s quite the conundrum…how can I be honest and open with all of you readers while allowing the friends I see every day to retain their anonymity, their privacy? How do I respect, openly and honestly, my own experience without polluting theirs?
I am going to try to update you on what’s going on in my life while respecting the ALL of you and my own emotional integrity. Wish me luck. I do not wish to isolate myself anymore.