Originally I titled this “What I Cause” to reflect the feelings my abuser wanted me to assume. It worked for many years. He said it was my fault he blew up in rages, my fault he calmed down and used all his strength to revert to a position of protector, the one who had to clean up my mess.
He enjoyed blowing up on me. Sometimes I’d catch him smiling as he turned away from me.
Our fights never resulted in any good things, only feelings of guilt, shame, and remorse for me. He’d skip off to his shop to do whatever he did out there, leaving me to pick up the pieces.