Abuse Hides in the Dark. Turn on Your Light.

Jan’s Story of Abuse

A woman with wide piece of tape over her mouth. She looks angry. Text says 'Break your silence'

Jan’s Signs of Being Abused

Searching online and checking the list of signs of verbal abuse. I have been mentally abused before by my previous husband.

Jan’s Emotional Signs of Abuse

Anger, Sadness, Unfairness

Jan’s Story of Abuse

I previously married a verbal abuser back in 1999. He was an alcoholic and used drugs. Soon, the physical abuse and the cheating started. I left in 2001 when my son was 1 years old because I didn’t want my son to grow in an environment like that. It was not easy but I moved with my mom who lived three hours away.

break your silence of abuseI took him back a few times and, long story short, I found him in my apartment with another girl. I hit rock bottom, kicked him out, and it took me years to recover from all the abuse.

I was in a few relationships here and there but nothing really serious. It just seems like I always picked the bad guys. [I was in] a year-long relationship with somebody that was really into drugs (it was really scary), but I was able to leave the relationship.

I took some time off and I didn’t want to date anymore, I wanted only my son and me to be together. I was very independent, I had a good job and my place and I was supporting myself and my son by myself without anybody helping me. Life was great I was dating here and there, I had my confidence back and my self-esteem was great. I was happy, fun and enjoying life and my son.

In 2007, I go out one night and I meet this great looking guy at a bar; he was charming, very handsome, we were together since day one..but we had so many problems since the beginning, now I look back and I see the red flags all over the place one after another one. I don’t know what happened, or why I fell in love with this guy so soon and so deeply.

He left me for his ex-girlfriend within a month of dating, came back, and we married seven months later. He left me a few months after that for the same ex, came back a few months later telling me how sorry he was and I took him back.

There was no verbal abuse yet, just the cheating. I was so in love at the time that I didn’t really care.

Then the verbal abuse started. English is not my first language so he started complaining about my accent, how horrible my English was, how horrible of a driver I was, how I didn’t have no common sense, that I was a Latina stuck in a blonde’s body. He would tell me that I was gaining weight that I [should] either lose the weight or he was going to leave me.

I found out there was more cheating and I still stayed.

He would be rude and ugly to me in front of friends never my family. He was so nice to me in front of them. He was going out all the time his friends were first before me, he would drink a lot so I started drinking a lot as well and we would get into ugly arguments while we were both drunk. He always blamed me for everything.

He insisted everything be done his way. I made spaghetti the wrong way, the way I did everything – no matter what I was doing – it was wrong. Then I was not able to go out with my friends. He would say “Go! You are stuck to my hip!” but when I would go he would ruin my night anyways, so I decided it was best not to go out without him.

He would pick arguments or get mad and I sometimes didn’t have a clue why he was mad but it was always my fault so I would cry, be miserable, and beg him back over and over. He had many friends that were female. It was okay for him but I couldn’t have male friends. If I made any comments about that then I was crazy and psycho.

I tried to be the best wife ever. I made excuses for his behavior and I would tell myself, “Well it’s my fault if I didn’t do this or that he would not be mad at me.”

I completely lost control over my life, I felt stupid since he made me feel like I was, like I didn’t have any common sense at all. He said I was like another kid, so in my mind I believed I was.

I feel so angry because he never took responsibility for the cheating or the other things he has done to me. Recently he started acting differently so I took the chance to go through his email. I know that is wrong, but I did it anyway. I found this awful email of him talking to this girl, telling her lies about our relationship and how I already knew that he wanted me out of the house and so much more. After reading this I still didn’t mention anything to him because I knew he would not take responsibility for it and he would get angry and make me seem like I am the crazy one.

One day something I did made him mad and I didn’t really know why he was so angry, so I brought up the email and everything went to hell pretty much from there. He told me I already knew he was talking to this other person and that I actually ruined his chance with her because he has a crazy wife that won’t leave him. I felt like somebody punched me in the face, stabbed me in my chest…. I could not believe he was telling me all of these after I put him before myself all these years, after putting with the abuse.

I still wanted to be with him. He kicked me out of the house, but I am putting my foot down and I told him I was going to stay until I am financially stable to leave with my son.

What’s wrong with me?

I started reading about verbal abuse and so many stories on here and other websites sound like my life for the past five years. Sometimes I start blaming myself on how maybe if I would have not mention the email everything would be ok, but I have to open my eyes and know that I deserve better, I should allow nobody to call me names or to try to make me feel less about myself.

I don’t have much self-esteem, but I am seeing a therapist and it helps a lot. I plan on saving money and getting an apartment and starting all over again.

As for him, he would never change unless he admits that he is sick or has a problem, takes responsibility for his actions and wants to change. I can’t try to help him anymore, it’s not my problem anymore.

I hurt everyday and it’s so hard sometimes I feel like I want to beg him again to forgive me that I will change like I have done in the past, but the only thing I have to change is to get him out of my life and get my life back.

Thank you for this website. It really helps to read the stories on here, when I start feeling like I want to beg him or text him or any of those feelings, I start reading the stories on here and it truly helps.

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