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Verbal Abuse Journals

Am I Abused? (A Quiz)

Neon question mark at the end of a hall. The wals have curious glowing shapes that resemble people in shadow

The Am I Abused Quiz helps you see abuse in your relationships. Seeing that your lover abuses you is the first step to stopping it. Yet, sometimes the abuse is so subtle that you don’t realize you’re being abused. And sometimes the abuse has gone on for so long that you no longer recognize it as abuse. This quiz will help you gain a clearer picture of the problem in your relationship.

Answer the questions in this quiz “in general.” Any person could have a bad day and act out in a mean way. But a person having a bad day will sincerely apologize as quickly as possible after they see that they hurt you. An abuser will apologize only if doing so will serve a selfish purpose. Some abusers never apologize but others give excuses for what they did, ignore what happened, or deny that they behaved badly. Much of the time, an abuser will blame the victim for their own bad behavior.

Victims in abusive relationships wake up every morning wondering if the abuser will be nice that day. The abuser does not have bad days. Abusers have consistent bad behaviors. This quiz can help you tell the difference between abuse and the occasional bad day.

Am I Abused? The Quiz Starts Here

Be honest with yourself as you answer these questions. Scoring information is at the end, but don’t peek. You don’t have to write anything down. Just do some thinking as you answer the questions.

Does the other person:

Embarrass you with put-downs (especially if you two are alone)? Talk nicely about you in front of other people, but cut you down in private, often about the things they compliment you about in public?

Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

Control what you do, where you go, or who you talk to? Forbid you from doing certain things or talking to certain people because of almost any reason (a common reason is that you are cheating on them)? Do you have to check in with them whenever you’re apart? Do they become angry when you do not respond to texts or calls? Do they insist they have people watching you so you had better behave yourself when they’re not around?

Stop you from seeing your family or friends? Cause you to feel embarrassed and uncomfortable when friends/family come to your home. You no longer want to invite people over due to your feelings of dread. Point out your friends’ flaws so that you’re uncomfortable asking them to come over because they hate your friends so much? Are you afraid to tell them you had a good time if they weren’t there with you?

Blame you for every bad thing that happens to them, your family, or you? Do you think that maybe all the bad things they say about you might be true?

Insist on control over all the money? Make you ask for money? Insist loans stay only in their name or sabotage your credit with fraudulent accounts? Force you to declare bankruptcy on charges they made? Give you an allowance or a budget that cannot possibly cover the needs it is supposed to meet? Insist on you turning over your social security check?

List the therapies and/or medications you’ve used to deal with depression or anxiety to “prove” how you’re sick in the head? That your thinking cannot possibly be as clear as theirs because you’ve sought help from mental health professionals or medication?

Impress the neighbors, friends, and your family with their kindness or helpfulness leaving you to doubt your own perception of them? Act much differently in public than at home?

Make all the decisions? Tell you they consider you an equal partner but somehow ends up making the decisions anyway? Are you afraid of making a “wrong” decision for fear of an angry response but seem to make “wrong” decisions no matter what you do? Are you afraid to make any decisions for yourself or your children?

Proclaims that you are a bad parent or threatens to take the children away? List all the reasons why you couldn’t gain custody in a divorce, ignoring their own faults?

Prevent you from working or going to school? Stare at you or ask if something’s wrong every time you try to study or work at home? Make demands of you that lead to work absenteeism? Do you feel like you must put your dreams on hold?

Act like their abusive behavior is no big deal, that it is your fault, or even deny doing it? Do they hit walls or destroy property but say abuse is wrong?

Destroy your property? Threaten to hurt or kill your pets?

Intimidate you with guns, knives, other weapons or even their presence? Do you feel you must do as they say or else suffer an emotional or physical consequence?

Physically assault you? Shove, slap, choke or hit you?

Force you to drop charges?

Threaten to commit suicide?

Threaten to kill you?

Here’s the Am I Abused Quiz Scoring Shocker:

If you answered yes to even one of the above questions, your relationship shows signs of abuse and could be more abusive than you think. Don’t dismiss it. Investigate it. Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse.

If your partner abuses you, you are not alone. There are agencies that you can call for help. Start with the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

What do you do when you realize you’re being abused? Safety plan. You need to put a plan in place for while you stay, not just for when you leave.

A plan for living with control

The Workbook’s living-with-an-abuser section addresses control directly, including the tech-facilitated kind: phone monitoring, smart home devices, connected cars, alongside the more familiar forms.

Purchase “Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook: Stay Safer Whether You Stay or Leave” $13.00

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For More Information:

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