If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.
If you need to talk to someone, contact The NDVH.

A reader asked:

My ex said that he was “going to break me.” Any idea what this statement means? I’ve been trying to forget it, but I just can’t seem to. I figure if I get the definition maybe I can let it go.

What He Means

He is going to break your spirit and your mind, possibly your body in the process. Have you heard of “breakdowns” when people “just lose it” and can’t function for a period of time? If he succeeds in “breaking you” then you will be under his control (again). He hates it that you are okay without him. His attacks could come from any direction. His words are threatening. Put a safety plan in play.

Expect Him to Come From Other Directions

If he can’t get to you emotionally, he could try financially or physically or via the “rumor mill”. Change all the passwords to all of your accounts and get safe online. Watch for him when you’re out shopping. Keep your car in the garage (if possible). Get some pepper spray. Talk to your boss and let them know what you’re comfortable with them knowing. Think of saying something along the lines of “he is a serious danger to me.”

Plan First, Then Let It Go

After you do everything you can think of stay as safe as possible, live your life normally and let it go, knowing you are as SAFE as possible.

If the Threats Get Specific

If he escalates to anything sounding like, “I am going to hurt you” or “I am going to kill you” then press charges for communicating a threat.

Why You Can’t Forget It

Now, perhaps all of that is overkill. Only you know him; I don’t. But I think that because you can’t forget it, then it is important. I recommend that you take his threat seriously. BUT AFTER YOU’VE PLANNED YOUR SAFETY, you let it go as much as possible. And quit talking to him, emailing him, etc. Cut him out.

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. I sense that what you’re feeling is fear that you’re unaccustomed to responding to because of the abuse. Abuse makes us forget when to be afraid. But the good news is you did respond to your fear. You reached out.

Safety Planning Matters If You Stay in Contact

A safety plan is important if you maintain contact with your abuser for any reason. I learned that my ex wanted to kill me after our youngest son turned 18. I thought that because I am over him, he would be over me, too. Don’t make my mistake – abusive people are not normal people. Sometimes they do not “move on”.

If You Need to Talk to Someone

In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential, and open 24 hours a day. Call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. Outside the United States, contact your local domestic violence service or emergency number.

Before you change passwords or settings, use a device and network he has never had access to. If he can see what you do on your devices, he may notice the changes.

What counts as a criminal threat, and how to report one, depends on where you live. A local advocate can tell you what applies to you.