A guide that helps you see what’s happening
Verbal abuse is hard to see from the inside. The words may sound like the way your partner has always talked, or you have heard them so often they stopped registering. This free worksheet gives you a structured way to look at what is said and done, how often it happens, and what it does to you.
To use the worksheet, read through the types of verbal abuse and what they may sound like. Write your examples and check the box for how often they happen. When you finish, you can see which types are part of your life, how often they show up and then answer the questions on the Putting It Together page to see where you stand.
Free. No account or email address needed.
What Is in the Worksheet
- Fifteen types of verbal abuse, in four groups: fear and threats, control, put-downs, and twisting what happened.
- For each type, a plain description of the behavior, examples that run from everyday moments to serious ones (including what it can look like on your phone), and a line on what it tends to do to the person on the receiving end.
- A check for each type: never, once, sometimes, or often.
- Optional space after each group to write your own examples.
- A Putting It Together page with questions about how the types connect and what you change afterward. It does not score anything.
- Pages on what to do if you are in danger, how to keep the worksheet private, and where to go next.
Who It Helps
The worksheet is for you if:
- You hear things at home and cannot tell whether they count as abuse.
- You know something is wrong and want to describe it in specific terms.
- You are preparing to talk with an advocate, counselor, doctor, or attorney.
You do not need to know what to call your relationship, and you do not need to have decided anything. The examples say “your partner” and “they” because verbal abuse happens in every kind of relationship.
How to Use It
Read each type and check the box that fits. Take one group at a time, on a screen or on paper, and stop whenever you need to. Writing is optional. You can read the whole worksheet and check the boxes in your head.
Some examples describe threatening words and behaviors. They are in the worksheet because a threat can modify your behavior for long after it was made. You need to take it seriously even if you don’t think they meant it.
What This Worksheet Cannot Tell You
The worksheet does not score anything. It cannot tell you how to describe your relationship, whether it will change, or what you should do. A check mark records that something happened. It does not prove anything about your partner. One hurtful moment does not make a relationship abusive, and one threat can still be deadly.
It matters whether the behavior repeats, whether you feel afraid or smaller afterward, and whether you are losing a say in your own choices. The worksheet can show you that pattern. An advocate, counselor, or attorney can help you decide what it means for your situation and your safety. The worksheet does not diagnose anyone and is not legal, medical, or safety advice.
Keeping It Private
Your partner may react badly if they find this worksheet, especially a filled-in copy. No way of storing it is completely secure. Think about these points before you decide how to use it:
- The site name and the file name both contain the words “verbal abuse.” They can show in your browser history and your Downloads folder. You could rename the file after you save it.
- Printed pages, shared printers, shared folders, cloud accounts that sync to other devices, and email can all be found. Your partner may also see file names and notifications on your phone (verbalabusejournals.com does not send text messages or emails to you).
- If you worry your online activity is being watched, use a device and account your partner cannot reach.
If You Are in Danger
Call 911 if you are in immediate danger. Outside the United States, call your local emergency number.
Treat these as urgent: a partner who has put their hands or an object around your neck, has threatened to kill you, or has threatened you with a gun or another weapon. A worksheet cannot help you sort those out. An advocate can.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (United States) is free and open 24 hours a day. Call 1-800-799-7233 (800-799-SAFE), text START to 88788 (message and data rates may apply), or chat at thehotline.org. Deaf and hard of hearing: The Deaf Hotline, video phone 855-812-1001. Outside the United States, contact a domestic violence service in your country.
Calls and texts can show up on a phone bill or on a shared device. If that is a risk for you, a library computer or a friend’s phone is safer. The Safe Connections Act is a federal law that allows an abuse victim to separate a phone line from a shared family plan without the account holder’s permission.
After the Worksheet
The worksheet shows you which kinds of behavior are part of your life and how often. It does not record when each thing happened. If you want to keep a record over time, the Verbal Abuse Incident and Pattern Log is a system for writing down dates, details, and patterns. It costs $9, and a discreet version is available.
Free pages that go with it: Examples of Verbal Abuse (all fifteen types, with more examples on their own pages), Things Abusers Say and Do, and Safety Planning for Domestic Abuse and Violence.
Where the Worksheet Comes From
The fifteen types come from Patricia Evans and her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. The groups and examples were written for this worksheet by Kellie Jo Holly Close, who started VerbalAbuseJournals.com as a blog in 2008.