Jen’s Story of Abuse

Jen’s Signs of Being Abused

Signs of abuse were name calling, being controlled, feeling not good enough no matter what I did.

Jen’s Emotional Signs of Abuse

Depression, anxiety, sadness

Jen’s Story of Abuse

story of abuse - break your silenceI met my abusive ex a little over two years ago. Even before we dated there were some things that he had told me that I should have paid more attention to.

He was 4 years younger than me, and told me he used to use meth with his father and lived in a house with fellow users. I have never done drugs before in my life and have always been against them, and when I heard this after getting to know him I wanted to only help him and nurture him.

He also mentioned how he had been in trouble with the law a lot for drinking which then didn’t phase me, but I wish it did.

When we first met we hit it off right away but I had a weird feeling about him, he was different than other guys I have dated. His style, life style, everything … but our sense of humor was exactly the same and we had an instant attraction and connection.

The first night hanging out one-on-one, we went to rent a movie. There was another couple standing behind us in line at the Redbox and he had said to me as a joke while smiling … “Hurry up bitch.”  I figured it was just his sense of humor. The couple behind us looked at each other in shock and gave me a ‘really?’ look. I was embarrassed but tried to once again brush it off.

When my mother first met him she said to me, “His eyes look evil…” I didn’t notice it of course because I was so sprung.

We started a relationship a couple weeks later. He was still living in a house with drug addicts and I had a house where I lived alone and offered him to stay with me. He moved in only a few months after we started dating. It was really fun and he was very romantic in the beginning. He became my best friend and I loved having him around. He didn’t have much money or a car so he would do nice things around the house for me as a way of paying for his part of the rent for a while.

He was doing well getting off of drugs, or at least I think he was. But it seemed that he turned to alcohol instead. He would drink often and after only a couple beers would turn into a different person. I remember a couple weeks after moving in he had a couple beers and was sitting across the room from me. He looked at me, his eyes looked so dark and empty, he had a blank look on his face, he said, “I’m going to slit your throat.” No guy, or anyone ever, has talked to me like this before. I didn’t know how to react. I just assumed he was really drunk and angry about something so I ONCE AGAIN ignored it.

He would throw me into walls a lot while yelling at me and calling me names for no reason. I felt trapped in my own home. My neighbor upstairs heard it all one day and came down to see if I was okay. I am very thankful for her doing so. He had already left the house at this point because I was crying so loud. After I told him the neighbor came over it made him more worried about doing so when she was home. This drinking and threatening pattern continued through the whole two years that we dated.

I had told my one of my best friends about the things he said to me so she was aware how he was. We all had a couple drinks together at my parents’ house when they were gone for the weekend. We each had only a couple.  After he had his, he looked at my friend and said, “I could beat you up” and looked at me and said, “and I will kill her”.  She stood up and asked him if he would really kill me, he said yes. She apparently got too close and he began swinging at her. He wouldn’t stop swinging at her. He finally walked away and ended up getting picked up by paramedics, she didn’t press charges although I wish she would have.

My whole family began to dislike him at this point. I should have left him after that. I went a couple weeks without speaking to him but he won my heart back with his sweet words and treating me like a queen. He always did that after he did something wrong. He swore he was done with alcohol after this all happened and I believed him, but after him moving out I found beer cans hidden all around my house and his friends told me he was always drinking while I was at work and lying to me about it.

He was very controlling and always thought I was cheating. I rarely had any contact with any of my male friends the whole time I dated him, so I had no idea why he thought that. I never had even thought about cheating on him the whole two years we were together.

He would sneak my phone at night when I slept and look through all of my texts, photos, facebook.  A few times he even messaged random males on my facebook friends list for no reason and was very rude to them. He wouldn’t let me go out to bars, and always talked bad about my friends. This was a way to isolate me and have control over me, but while it was happening I just figured he was looking out for me.

I helped him find a job and drove him to anywhere he wanted/needed to go. I paid for his haircuts, cooked all of his meals, and spoiled him. He had insulted me and hurt me so much that I figured buying his love was my last option.

I was constantly left confused and hurt. He would get paid and hardly have any money – he told me they took out a HUGE amount for taxes, I didn’t question him… didn’t want to make him mad, but after I kicked him out I found his pay stubs, he was lying. He was always short on rent because he was lying, no idea where his money was going.

One day he would tell me how beautiful I was and would cry and say he was so happy to of found someone like me. He would say I was heaven sent for him to help him change the path that his life was on, but then the next day he was throwing me into a wall while calling me an ugly whore, cunt, bitch, nasty, saying no one else would ever want me, saying I should die, saying how many other girls wanted him.

He made me feel so disgusting and worthless. Still to this day. He would tell me all of my friends were just using me and no one liked me. Told me how he’s been with better looking girls than me. Just made me feel so awful every day, made me feel uncomfortable to be with him. After calling me names all day I would just lay in bed and cry, he would come in and just stare at me with a blank look and say “you’re a weak bitch.”

Anytime I showed emotion over what he was calling me he would call me weak. Only once did he show emotion towards me after calling me names. He sat on the couch crying saying he doesn’t know why he treats me so bad and how much he loved me and how he needed help. I stayed with him because he made me feel so awful, that when he complimented me the next day it felt so good and the four days out of the week when he was sweet and caring to me was worth it.

He was my best friend, the person I spent every day with and did every single thing with. The one person who I invested all my time and feelings into. I didn’t understand why or how he could say such nice things, but treat me so horribly.

Then the cheating started. I always trusted him because he didn’t have any girls that were friends and didn’t do much with his friends, but I know that when he drank he turned into a careless person and definitely stopped caring about me when he was drinking.

I was at work one day almost two years into our relationship and called him. I could tell he was drunk, he denied it. When I mentioned that I thought he was drunk he said “Fuck you whore, stop callin me!” He called me back almost two hours later, he was crying. Said that his friends he was skating with beat him up. I asked why and he said for no reason.

After I got off work I went on facebook and saw that the guy who beat him up posted an update saying my boyfriend tried getting with his girlfriend that day and that she had told her boyfriend about it, which is why he punched my boyfriend. I confronted him about it, he denied it than ignored me for a few days, wouldn’t come home. He went to his father’s drug house.

His friends called me and told me about what happened. My boyfriend got drunk and asked a girl to come back to our house to get some of his cigarettes. When they got to my house he tried to sleep with her, in my own home… while I was working… to pay for our rent and bills. I was crushed. I had never been so hurt. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I was throwing up. It was one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt.

He continued to tell me they were lying and were mad at him because he owed them money. I took him back. Never could trust him again though, and I just wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy living with my boyfriend who I couldn’t trust to leave alone in my house. I slowly stopped being happy with him after this all, even when he was trying to be the nicest guy in the world to me, all I could think about was all he had done.

About a month after we got back together, we got in another argument because a guy friend had texted my phone simply saying Hi. He was physically attacking me so I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there. He was calling me names through the door while I just sat in there crying. I felt so helpless. I tried screaming for the neighbors and that only made him more violent. When I came out of the bathroom he punched me, this is when I called the police and kicked him out.

He was in jail for 7 months. We haven’t spoke besides a text from him telling me “Sorry for everything and thank you for showing me how I should treat a woman. I am now a lot nicer in my new relationship.” He always told me when we were together that he’d be SO sweet and caring with his next girlfriend, and it always made me sad to think that I wasn’t able to enjoy the sweet him all the time and that another girl would. He said it was only me he was ever mean to and he didn’t know why, which made me feel even worse even though I don’t believe it could be true.

I felt so free at first. Now I feel alone and hate myself. I like nothing about myself anymore. I don’t feel like myself at all. I don’t like being around people. I don’t like meeting new people. I don’t like being at home because all I do is sit and think about how disgusting I am. I feel like I’m not worth anyone’s time.

So many red flags that I didn’t pay attention to that could of prevented most of this all. There may be no physical scars from this type of abuse, but the deep emotional wounds I have are worse than anything I could have ever imagined.

I have to take life one day at a time and slowly make myself happy again. I ignored everything he did to me, all of the signs, just because of his nice side and because that side of him was so amazing and fun and sweet to me. He made me feel that I deserved everything he did to me. If I was prettier he would have been nicer. If I let him go off and do drugs with his father and didn’t mind him getting drunk and threatening me then I would have been a better girlfriend.

I want to help people see the warning signs and not ignore them. It is SO important to not brush these warning signs aside and make excuses for them because in the end you will feel so miserable and worthless. The earlier you get out, the better.

I am so thankful I didn’t have a child with this man or stay with him longer. No one deserves to be abused in any way. I am so thankful to of had the courage to leave him, in the long run who knows if I would even be alive if I stayed.

Are you abused? Tell your story and Break The Silence and download this Safety Plan.
Did you leave an abusive relationship? Tell us how you did it at How I Left Abuse.
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Comments

  1. Jen,

    I am thankful you found the courage to leave as well. You have a noble mission to make sure people are aware of the signs of abuse. Hat’s off to you! 🙂

  2. thank godness you had the courage to kick him out of your house and your life the warning signs were there but you refused to see them because of your feelings for him abusers have a way of making you believe whatever they are saying you believe them because of the way you feel about them you need to heal from the inside and out you deserve to live your life without being scared take it one day at a time ok god bless

  3. I went through the same thing but I kept my kids. After almost 10 yrs of abuse in out of it. I too fell alone but it’s for the best

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