Abuse Quotes From Survivors

abuse quotesAbuse survivors wrote these or I heard them during calls with them. Abuse survivors, in my mind, are those people who see the effect abuse has on their lives. Abuse victims are those who do not know they are abused (I was a victim for 17 years).

Abuse victims and survivors are both male and female. Most of the quotes I’ve collected come from women. However, I believe that the reason I have more abuse quotes from women is because women reach out for help more often. Women seem more likely to share their stories. Perhaps we’re simply wired that way, or maybe society doesn’t want to believe a man could suffer domestic abuse from anyone, male or female. That belief is untrue; new statistics show both women and men suffer domestic abuse in nearly the same numbers.

Leaving Abuse Quotes

Angela Lee – “Never believe you are in control. That is a form of denial. He can and will go ‘that far’. It isn’t the end of your life. Yes, you got beat, yes you he raped you, ruined a part of your life and you may lose everything, jobs, friends, belongings. That crap means nothing. Absolutely nothing. You have an awesome life waiting for you. Go get it!”

Paula – “I left the rings he gave me in one of the dresser drawers. I wanted as few romantic gestures clouding my decision to leave for good this time. (I had left two other times before but returned.) I didn’t engage him when he raged. I remained silent and calm.”

Casey – “[When planning to leave], I was just walking around like a zombie..I really had no idea what I was doing.. But the best thing that I did do was leave and get the hell out of there. I have no regrets.”

Jennifer – “I followed through this time with going. I quit my job of over 10 years. I gave everything he had back. I didn’t want any of it.”

Angela Lee – “Due to the trauma I lost 25 pounds off of my 5 foot frame getting down to 98 pounds. I have a serious arrhythmia which unabated will probably lead to a premature heart attack. I am barely 34 years old. Despite how tragic this seems, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. My friends, family, neighbors and co-workers all came together to support me. I am very blessed.”

Doneta – “It’s a process. Once you’re free you really need to take time to rebuild yourself, don’t jump into another relationship. Heal before you move on.”

Jennifer – “I was over it. I had enough. I didn’t want to live that way anymore.”

Jim – “I was abusive too. It was a shitty relationship. I wanted her to love me but I didn’t know how to show her love or help her without being a complete jerk.”

Kate – “I knew I was being abused, because I started becoming an abuser. He would say mean things to me & yell at me & we would fight, I would end up hitting him because I got so mad & sad.”

KareMarie – “I grabbed my car keys ahead of time and my phone, otherwise he would of smashed my phone and not given me my keys.”

Paula – “I left the rings he gave me in one of the dresser drawers. I wanted as few romantic gestures clouding my decision to leave for good this time. (I had left two other times before but returned.) I didn’t engage him when he raged. I remained silent and calm.”

Peacock Lady – “I left in 1981. I live a happy and rich life, I have my own home and work in the field of domestic violence and sexual assault. I look forward to each day.”

Sara – “We had a relationship like no other. He was my best friend, my lover, my soul mate. It was perfect bliss…when he wasn’t hitting me, pulling my hair, choking me, calling me names, kicking me, throwing things at me, scaring me…when I wasn’t trying to explain my every single minute of life, or delay at work, calls from friends, sick calls at work, and bruises/injuries. Yes, apart from that, it was perfect bliss.”

Sheri – “[My therapist] said to me ‘OK, let’s just say [your daughters] do end up marrying someone like him. When the abuse starts they’ll think “Mom stayed, I suppose that’s the right thing to do.”’ That’s when I realized that I was setting a frightening example.”

Sara – “I was very scared, I didn’t know if he would try to stop me. He had always threatened to kill me if I ever left him, so I made him think I would still be with him even when I went to college.”

Gipsy – If you know, deep down that you deserve better, leave. It is going to be a long road and it is going to be difficult, but you will make it, I promise you that, and when you look back on your life a few months from now you are going to be so grateful that you have finally made a choice for YOU. You ARE important and you DESERVE to be loved, but only you can make that choice.

Boring – “My sense of self was disappearing, like I was falling into a hole of nothingness. I was only something in relation to him.”

Stories of Abuse Quotes

Jill – “He said he was abused first, because I finally yelled at him for one more lost, broken promise…and then he grabbed my collar and pinned me against he sink with his feet on top of mine and backing up only would land me in a further corner and he screamed an inch from my face to stop yelling at him as he bent me backwards. I thought he would break my back. I said nothing.”

Kellie – “As usual, my mind is spinning in circles…is it me? Am I making mountains out of molehills? Being too analytical? Worrying about nothing? Being emotional?”

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Comments

  1. I am sorry but I think your statistics on men being abused are incorrect. Males have the power in our culture and they believe they are supposed to have it. Women have been fighting for simple rights for hundreds of years. I think to say men and women are abused in equal numbers is really misleading and basically wrong.

    • I understand your hesitation, Patricia. Please remember that gender bias goes both ways. I challenge you to look at the studies (a current one from Canada is especially telling) and question your own perceptions. The fight for equal rights is working. If it weren’t working, society would not be able to see domestic abuse for what it is – power and control over an individual. Do you believe that women do not have the power to control another person? Do you believe that women are just “too moral” or “too good” to act on those impulses? If you said yes to either of those questions, then it is possible that you hold biased beliefs about gender.

      Even though domestic violence and abuse is perpetrated by both genders in almost equal numbers, women continue to DIE because of it more often than men. We must stay vigilant, but we must stay vigilant for ALL victims, regardless of gender, if we hope to end domestic violence.

      • Jordan Brown says:

        The best way I could comment on this is that when you take a picture, and you put that same picture in a smaller frame, it is still the same size and same picture, just the smaller frame makes it less visible. While it is understandable that when a man becomes abusive it causes more physical damage due to size, it doesn’t mean that men are more abusive. Abuse is often a two way street. Having been in a physically, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship for three years, having pots and pans thrown at me because I refused to buy a boob job when I couldn’t even afford our water bill…etc….then the night she tried to hang herself in front of me and our, at the time two year old daughter, I put my hands on her shoulders and shook her and finally screamed at her “what the hell are you doing!!!” seeing the terror in my little girls eyes, realizing I had never been in a physical altercation in my life, realizing that emotional and mental abuse can interrogate physical abuse – the reality was that it was a two way street, and I was not willing to turn down that street of abuse – I left the home at that point because I realized that even I was losing control.

        Abuse is the same picture no matter what frame (gender) it is in.

        To say that women have always been opressed by men is not fair. Men have always played the biological role of “provider”. Changes in the economy and lack of access to certain things is where the inequality comes from – men didn’t just “write” women out because they hate women – it was just never a gender role issue in the early days when people lived off of the land.

        We were made differently for a reason. That doesn’t mean women or men should be excluded from anything. Womens empowerment started when all the men were drafted to war – something women never had to deal with – but that was when they started working in the factories to provide for their husbands at war – they were making tanks and airplanes to send their guys while their guys were fighting a war for them. It just evolved into something else over the years.

    • I agree. Look at the numbers published by the national institute for mental health or the number of homicides in the FBI database where a woman is killed by her domestic abuser vs a man. It’s 2,400 women dead for every 17 men dead. Women have a much higher rate of being victimized and a much higher rate of sustaining a life threatening injury.

    • Ryan Castro says:

      Not necessarily, women have ganed the same things men have had for most of their life. Granted we men have had our things longer doesn’t mean that we can use them and make sure women have to work harder for them (‘abuse’). Not all men and women are the same, and maybe, just maybe the numbers are closer than you think.

    • Ryan Castro says:

      Just because a man is physically stronger than a woman doesn’t mean that he can withstand her strength with emotions

  2. There are many men abused out there. Not always from a romantic relationship. Some are abused by their fathers, some by their mothers, some by a sibling, and yes others by their mates/partners.
    Unfortunately society turns a blind eye to many abuses(it’s changing, slowly) . Woman have more information out there (now, not always) for them and it is more accepted in society for women to communicate, talk, support each other, not so much for males (again, changing but VERY slowly). More programs to help them (it’s not perfect, just seems to be more out there for women and yes because there MANY women around the world abused in many different forms some of this due to societies dinosaur views but that is shifting)
    Many men can’t find info out there for them and that must feel very lonely, crazy making. So they hide. So very sad.

    My husband was physically and emotionally abused by his older brother (the physical was from 8 yrs to 19yrs) the emotional continues to this day (that is over 30yrs!). He was told that he was exaggerating, that is was just normal ‘boys will be boys’, or you don’t know what you’re talking about his intention isn’t to hurt you, just love him (that’s my fav, right there) He was neglected by his mother, never had a safe harbour at home. Finally at 38 he admitted to himself that what he experienced was real and it was abuse. When he looked for help most of the things he found were for women, the writings still helped but he felt alone and ashamed because he felt society was saying that it couldn’t have happened because he was male and/or it wasn’t in a same sex relationship. He found 2 articles about sibling abuse, they did help a bit because he didn’t feel so alone and crazy and finally felt some kind of validation. Other men had experienced this too!
    Unfortunately, society (in general) does a HUGE dis-service to men in not allowing them to have a voice about this. Or encourage talking and feeling (other than the accepted feelings of either happy or angry, really think about that, we still do that to them, even in this enlightened day and age!)
    It’s HUMAN RIGHTS, not just women’s right. We have to help and allow EVERYONE their voice, some understanding and healing!

  3. I have to comment on this…men also get abused by jealous insecure women who don’t know how to handle conflict, who is spoiled and want to manupilate a man. My son is one of them and because the law is the women side he lost everything even his kids. Most of the times she abused herself and accused him of hitting her…my son also walked out cause he new this relationship can lead to family trauma and due to the fact that she can’t physically or mentally abuse him she revenges on him mess up hiis whole personal live..he lost his job also in the process..so how does he show his innocence??

  4. I’m sitting here tonight crying and my mind is telling me over and over again that I’m a waste of space which I was told recently. I left the marriage over 13 years ago. I am single and I am too afraid and too BURNED to ever even try again. I STILL feel worthless and when my son and law told me I was a waste of space a month ago it ALL came flooding back HARD. I don’t take care of myself and I have come to believe everything bad he ever said about me. I feel like it will NEVER go away. The physical abuse really didn’t and doesn’t affect me like the mental abuse does. I sit here crying thinking I’m just going to die alone and my life is a total waste. I take medications, they do not work. And I have a TON of anger inside me. But I hate the counseling because they just want to go over and over it and it puts me right back there again. The best thing I found for my depression is the love of a pet because it’s completely unconditional. I just felt like commenting. As I read these quotes and stories I know I’m not alone but I don’t know how to function anymore either.

    • When I left my abusive marriage, I didn’t even realize it was abusive. If I got angry at him because it was Christmas Eve & 9 p.m. & we were supposed to spend the evening with my family, he took off his wedding ring & said, “Here, if you don’t like it…” I had a 2yr old & 5 yr old, no job, no friends, no outside support, I had nothing. He took the wind out of my sails. I was defeated. He was strengthened. I hadn’t even thought about leaving him yet. Leaving him was not within the realm of possibilities in my life. My brothers had divorced, but they were men. Men are always right. Me, a woman, was not allowed to defy her husband or father or brother. It was against the rules, unwritten rules, but I knew the rules. After years & years of counseling, I realized that my ex was abusive & an alcoholic. I never saw drinking while I was growing up so I had no idea that drinking a 12 pack every day was a sign of alcoholism. I had probably never known my husband while he was sober. My counselors taught me many things. My favorite saying that I share with everyone is not to should on yourself. I tell my friends when I hear they telling what they should have done to keep the abusive partner happy-DON’T SHOULD ON YOURSELF!! Should is a word that means you’re guilty of not doing something right or proper. Guilt is a wasted emotion. If you feel guilty about some action that you’ve taken, don’t do it again, change, make it different.
      I always felt guilty. I learned as a child that I was guilty of everything. I wasn’t a good enough daughter so Daddy raped me when I was four. I was nasty & should be ashamed of myself. Mom said not to let Daddy do that to me, it was nasty. As I got older I wasn’t a good enough sister. My older brother raped me & got me pregnant before I was fourteen. They took me somewhere & some men, Daddy helping, wrenched my legs apart & shoved something inside of me. I don’t think I even knew that I was pregnant. I certainly had no idea of what an abortion was. I didn’t remember the abuse at my father & brother’s hands until I was in my late 50s.
      I was full of so much anger after I finally divorced my ex. When he hurt my kids, he hurt me. It wasn’t until my kids were young adults that I could forgive my ex. I realize now that my anger kept me connected to him. When I forgave him, because he could no longer hurt me, I felt lighter & freer. About the guilt, guilt ruled me. As I said I felt guilty about everything, not enough sex, not being a good mother, saying a bad word.
      During the final years of my abusive marriage, I learned that my ex controlled me with guilt. One evening while he was going on & on about what a bad wife I was, I used a tactic that a counselor told me about. I told my ex-IF YOU’RE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY, YOU’RE WASTING YOUR BREATH. I DON’T FEEL GUILTY. My ex was dumbfounded. He didn’t say another word.
      I read a lot. One of the most helpful books was written in the 80s, I think. The title of this book is “Getting Them Sober.” I’ve given many friends this book. The chapters are very short, very comforting & encouraging. When I read the book, I would have sworn that someone had been in my house, so many of my life’s situations were in this book. I read this book over & over, whenever I came upon difficult times. It was soothing. It relates to any addictive situation. It relates to abusive relationships.
      One more thing to remember. I tell my daughter this & friends, all of whom have been in abusive relationships. When you’re hurting, you’re growing the most. Remember to keep putting one foot in front of the other. As long as you do that, you’re making progress. Take special care of yourself, because no one else will. Buy yourself birthday & Christmas presents, something nice that you really want & like. Tell yourself over & over, day after day that you deserve to be treated in a loving caring manner. Remind yourself that you are a good, loving person. After awhile, it really does get a little easier. Someday, maybe 5 yrs from now, but someday, you will realize that you’ve grown & changed. You like yourself & the person that you’ve grown into. You really like yourself.
      As far as counseling goes, it hurts. It hurts to remember. It hurts to talk & admit these things happened to you. Sharing the hurt helps take the pain away. After I shared with counselors, I learned to fell safe enough to share with friends.
      As I said, I was abused by my family first. I didn’t know what love really is. I had been married to my loving, caring husband about 20 yrs, when I remember the abuse from my childhood. During this time of remembering was when I finally understood that my husband really loves me. He loved me when I was unable to have sex for months. He loved me when I was unable to work & we lived off of his income alone. He loved me when I had nightmares & woke him crying, when he had to go to work the next day & I was staying home. He has never tried to make me feel guilty for not working, not cooking meals-he lived on frozen pizza & chicken strips for about two years, not cleaning the house, because something about cleaning the house terrified me. He loved me. He never pushed or nudged me to get better. He told me that I was the bravest person that he knew because I was terrified to go to church. Daddy told me that he was God! I went to church, no matter what. I couldn’t take communion because I had terrible memories pop into my head during communion. I could sing in church. I ran out of church sobbing, so many Sundays. And my husband still loved me. I had no idea what real love was.
      Give yourself time to heal. I planned to be on the accelerated healing plan. It didn’t work that way. It takes time. It’s difficult. I’d rather go to the dentist & have all of my teeth pulled & I’m terrified of that, too. I kept going to my counselor because I knew that all of the hurt & all of the difficulty was also healing. The nastiness & sick, putrid anger had to be excised before I could heal. I didn’t dwell on one particular incident. We talked at my counselor’s appointment, the same as I would talk to my friends. Talking about the abuse takes the pain away. Sharing your stories of abuse, shares the pain. You will be surprised by how many people that you work with have also lived a life of abuse, at one time or another. You’ll get better, don’t give up on yourself. You deserve to cared for & loved, even my yourself.

  5. I just want to point out that although some of you sound like you are reacting to abuse – both males and females – there usually is one individual who is the aggressor and the perpetrator of abuse. After repeated exposure, I think some of us who are more assertive may begin to argue or fight back or try to change him or her and get caught up in the cycle and act in abusive ways. I do not think this IS abuse. Yelling back may not be pretty, but I’ve been driven to my wits end with accusations of cheating on him with people who don’t exist and his continuing use of alcohol and drugs and the assumption I, as the female party, am around to serve him in whatever way he deems fit. I don’t see it as a maladapted behavior, but rather as survival behavior.

  6. On gender topic, I read a very interesting article that makes discerning who is the abuser and who is the victim a little more complicated: http://www.batteredmen.com/pizzey.htm
    It doesn’t matter which sex is being abused more than the other … The fact that it happens often to either sex is unacceptable and something we all need to help fix.
    I was a victim, then I was a survivor, and the day I finally felt confident, joyous and free again, I became a victor.

  7. he started off as thee perfect guy……… as a blessing in my miserable life……. as the brother I never had………. as the friend i could always lean on………. but not even 2 months in a relationship he beat into a pulp on valentines day and on my birthday it was the same thing and the days and months tha followed……. he was so mean in such a way that i wouldn’t even call my family without him monitoring my calls……… he called me names……. made me do things i never thoght i would do……… he made me feel so small and worthless ………… most of all he forced me to sleep with him without a condom and I found out that he was HIV Positive fortunately enough by the grace of God I never got infected…….. the best thing i did was to stand my groung and leave that unhelthy relationship

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