Melanie’s Signs of Being Abused
He started breaking the things that were important to me.
Melanie’s Emotional Signs of Abuse
Fear, Shame, Confusion
Melanie’s Story of Abuse
As I sit here confuse about what exactly I am doing now writing a book, keeping track of my thoughts maybe just keeping a record of what my husband does or says to me or the journal I was going to keep to help me sort out my thought and feelings. I wonder how I got here and why?
The biggest question I have is why does [my husband] tear up all my stuff? Sometimes he hides my things and swears he hasn’t. I just don’t understand.
Sunday night after having a good day watching the football game, we ate supper.I was waiting for the sun to go down a little so I could light candles in the bathroom.
I thought we could take a bath together in the claw foot tub upstairs. That thought didn’t last long because he started yelling for no reason I could think of.
I don’t even remember really what he was saying except I was using him and gave him no attention. After a while he went into the dining room and knocked almost everything off the tea table we had. It had twenty years of memories on it – some of the stuff was from my children’s grandmothers, things they would have gotten when I passed. Things I loved. Gone. Broken and he did not care.
He left but only for a short time. Long enough for me to take pictures and send to friends just in case he came back and killed me. When he did come back he dared me to call the police because if they arrested him I would lose everything because it would cost him his job. I called and went to the bathroom upstairs and waited, locked in where I hoped I would be safe.
When they showed up he was calm and tried to put everything on me as being crazy. He had cleaned up the mess and everything looked fine. They did nothing.
I had just called the police on him Dec. 12 while we were at his job’s Christmas party. Everything seemed fine. We had a good time. I went to sleep and around 12 am I woke up to him punching me in the face out of a sound sleep. Boom!
I asked him what was going on but he just came at me again. I know he was on drugs. When I went to grab my cell he broke it. Thank God someone in the next room called because he then ripped the wire out of the wall to the room phone.
The police came and told him he had to leave or go to jail. The next morning while I was packing my things to go home he called said he stayed in the ER at some hospital to stay warm, and then he called his brother to pick him up. He was on his way to drive us home. All the way home I got yelled at for calling. He didn’t even care about my face or that I was asleep and did nothing.
As I sit here writing my daughter called, and as we are talking the cell started to ring and people are beeping in. I ignore them all but laugh as I think how they all called at the same time to wish me a happy birthday. [My daughter] is asking me about the locket I wanted for Christmas. The only thing I asked my husband for and did not get. But then he would have taken it back or destroyed it so it is for the best.
The kids are getting me one. It is to put BooBoo’s hair in so I will always have him close. I would rather have him but I am grateful that [my husband] can’t be here. As awful as that sounds it is the second best gift I could have.
Somehow he would ruin it and turn everything around to be about him and how I make him do the things he does because I won’t sleep with him. That to him is foreplay – yell, break shit, then scream at me how I do nothing to turn him on and I just lay there and now let’s go upstairs and make love. Yep that’s just what I want to do after all that.
As he is on the phone now he saying how he wishes he was here as if nothing happened Sunday and I am so glad he’s not here. I only answered the phone because he already called three times and would not stop calling until I answered. I might be enjoying myself. Or have someone here when he is not. Big no no. I would love to say he has hurt me for the last time. But what’s the sense in lying to myself? I’ll just be grateful for the breaks I get from him and pray for the best.
The grandbabies are here. [My daughter] brought them over yesterday. They help keep my mind of things and usually [my husband] behaves half way when they are here. I am lucky they are even allowed after the stunt he pulled right after Thanksgiving.
I had [my grandbaby] and asked him to stop and pick up a Christmas tree on his way home. I thought with all the rain and cold weather it would do it good to sit outside for a while.
He blew up, yanked the tree out of the stand right in front of a two-year-old and threw the tree out the back door. She was so upset I could not believe he would do that in front of her. I was the one who messed things up. I took her upstairs and made up some lie like the Grinch who stole Christmas would have and promised to make it better.
Thank god when we got up in the morning it was back and as usual everything was fine nothing had happened the night before. Hoping [my grandbaby] would not tell I took home for her on safety. I do not think he would hurt her but I knew a fight was brewing.
Another Day. [My daughter] found out and almost did not let them stay this time , I assured her [my husband] would not be here until Thursday night (god willing). Once again he is blowing up my phones and will continue until I answer. He does this every time he thinks I’ve done something wrong. I am going to close for the day and pray that nothing eventful happens today on my birthday. All I want is my kids and grandkids, peace and quiet and maybe a visit to BooBoo my baby.
Another Day. I have not been able to write because he has been home, and would be a no no using the computer while he is here. I did leave on New Year’s Day to take jabyrd home. Thankful he was mad at me for something and he did not go. I got to go visit with a friend for a while then off to take jaybyrd home it was nice to visit with everyone without him there. He was mad as hornet when I got home.
I got up the next morning and offered to make breakfast. He was still mad so he quickly said no and I just went along with my chores. He yelled and screamed at me until I could not take it anymore. I just left early. He had forgotten where I was going and what time I told him I had to leave.
I got to Healing Hands twenty minutes early, but the woman was nice enough to see me. Healing Hands is my daughter’s so-called psychic. I really do not believe in that hocus pocus but it will be fun and I do not have to be at home getting yelled at and being told how I use him and do nothing for him (at least for a little while).
I was expecting what you see on TV. You know, dimmed light, outrageous dress, and a crystal ball. Nope. She was just a normal lady wearing normal clothes in a normal room. I was not impressed with her hand reading but then I also refused to give her any information about myself with the exception of my name. She then had me shuffle some Tarot cards thinking about something for myself and someone I cared about. I could barely think. My son, BooBoo…all I wanted was him back.
The first card she flipped made me laugh, but it confused her. I know she thought I was a crack pot. She paused after explaining its meaning and I assured her when she was done I would explain my behavior. As she continued to turn card after card I was wishing it was real. The money card kept being turned over. The last card was flipped over she said it was like a wolf coming up dangerous, trying to steal everything, jealous, wanting everything I had for itself. She asked if any of this applied and asked me to explain my reaction I had had earlier.
I explained that I had a daughter that she had seen once and Healing Hands immediately interrupted and said my daughter’s name and the death card she pretended not to see or address was my son who had passed away. Now I am listening. She asked about my husband. I just blurted out I hated him. She said the last card was about him, not knowing what was going on she told me he was jealous of my family and our relationship that he has outbursts that showed her destruction and I should be careful and either treat him as a child or get rid of him. He could be dangerous.
Earlier she had said until the wolf was controlled, that the money would not come. All I could think was I have no money. I thought that she was just lucky. So once again as if she could read my mind she said the money is coming it has something to do with teaching and my career that I have not yet achieved. I knew that because although I was busy, I was also restless. But once again nothing would come until the wolf was controlled.
I thought about everything she had said on the way home, but knew only one thing – I had been gone too long. Normally when going home I always stop to see BooBoo but this time I did not. I did not want to get yelled at. As I turned where I usually go straight I just said, “You of all people understand. I told him all the shit [my husband] did. I am sorry I’ll see you Monday.”
Nothing was better when I got home except he was outside cleaning the garage. I count all my blessings even the small ones. By five o’clock he was talking to me again but I knew something was up. Time will tell.
Later on he started giving me the third degree about the name Jack. Well I knew at that moment he had been going through my cell phone. Jack had sent me two messages, one for my birthday and one for the New Year. He was not going to admit he had gone through my phone so I played dumb. I just kept asking what he was talking about and where did he get that name. Finally I just went to bed. But morning always comes.
The morning was fairly uneventful, but within in an hour he started again about Jack, then how I got a new credit card and do nothing for him. At this point I now know he used his time wisely going through all my things while I was asleep. I had to laugh because the new credit card was a prepaid card from the kids for my birthday to get the locket he did not get for me.
I did not engage in his drama and just went about my morning which was the wrong thing to do. But my cramps were too much to even reply. That in itself started a new fight. He wanted to have sex now that he provided the foreplay (fighting). In the middle of this the phone rings. Jay is checking to see if I have wire for putting in the electric switch that was scheduled for the day. That’s exactly when [my husband] gets quiet, he’s always Mr. Perfect when someone might hear him.
When the call ends he starts again about Jay coming over just so I do not have to spend time with him. I am thinking no, but I am glad he is coming. Then I have to remind him that this has been scheduled since Christmas. He gives no response and start getting ready to go outside again. There goes the phone again. “What did you do to make sure everyone calls you this morning?”
It was my girlfriend Kassie. I had not returned her call from my birthday or New Years. We talked about nothing much just the holidays and kids when I realized he was listening again. So I asked how Jack was and to thank him for the text on my birthday and New Year’s Day. At that point my husband comes in the room looking mad as hell.
Now I am pissed so I let her know in front of [my husband] that I was having an affair with her husband – according to my husband. She started laughing and asked if he was at it again. I said yes and we laughed again. He left and went outside. I then told her what was going on, she replied with that is nothing new. (Kassie was my next door neighbor up to five months ago. He should have known who Jack was.)
Why does he always think I am doing something wrong? Why does he always start a fight and why can’t he just go back to being the fun guy? The one I fell in love with? The one I loved to make love with?
When he came back in later I was sitting on the couch by the fire place trying to get warm. He leaned over I just knew he was going to hit me. So I jumped. He asked me why as if I was crazy I replied he startled me he said he just wanted a kiss. I pecked him and left. He asked what was wrong. I am thinking this man is crazy what the hell does he mean he was just yelling at me an hour ago. I jokingly said he needed a shrink that I never know if he wants to play nice or kill me then he laughed.
He got better as the day went on so I asked him to help me get ready for the chair Jay was bringing with him and he helped and was in a good mood so like a dumb ass I asked him why he had got me a surround sound for Christmas instead of the only thing I asked for (I never tell anyone what I want I do not like being disappointed. But this year I did and I knew there was no way I would not get as it was to put a lock of BooBoo’s hair in it I had taken before we took him off life support). I also said it had made no sense, there was one in the garage from the old house that he had when we got married and I had taken it down because I did not like it. They were extra to dust and too loud.
His response was he did not get it because things were not good between us. He had to get something so that what he got for me. Basically I did not deserve one. I still can’t wrap my head around that we haven’t been getting along but I thought we were going to try and work on that and besides Christmas is about forgiveness love understanding and giving of your heart. Or at least that’s what I thought I got him everything over the year I heard he say he wished he had.
As the night was coming we sat bay the fire watching tv. We fell asleep there happy for once or at least I thought so. I woke up around eleven and tried to get him to come to bed, he must have woke up earlier because he was on the couch. I thought he was coming but he went back to sleep and I went to bed. He kissed me and said I love you before he left in the morning for work, and I fell back to sleep. When I woke I made my coffee and went about getting the animals feed talked to him on the phone and things still seem ok until I went outside to go to the store and visit BooBoo.
My car was moved I guess he moved to get his van out. No big deal. As I get in the seat was too far up by the steering so I slid it back and then saw my glove box open from there my rear view mirror was out of place. He had not closed the box while looking for whatever it was he was looking for and also had moved the seat to see if whatever I was hiding was under them.
So much for everything being okay. I will never understand why he thinks I am always up to something or hiding something. Even if I had something to hide it would be found he goes through everything I own. He swears I have a secret life when he is not home. Maybe he is nuts. I just wish I had seen this side of him before I married him. He had everyone fooled.
Another Day. Unfortunately [my husband] came home early on Wednesday. I was surprised just not pleasantly. I had just received BooBoo’s death certificate. And there was no answers there. So for once I showed my ass. He wanted me to be happy he was home, I just wished I had my one more day. Of course that went over like a turd in a punch bowl after about an hour of arguing I left. Still sick, hurt and now pissed off. I came home in the morning after picking up Pammie.
I sent an email on his phone taking the blame for once and said I was sorry, hoping after everything he had done in the last couple of months I would get a free pass. Not likely – he ran with this one. And what can you do? Nothing I was wrong. So you just listen and let him go with it he had settled down some by the time he got home.
In the morning it started as usual, it was my fault he slept down stairs. He always stays there because he falls asleep. Oh well.
Jay would be twenty-four this year. Somehow we all made it through his birthday and I gave him the pillow he wanted me to make for him out of his brother’s coat his was wearing that night. I put off making as long as I could and damn near could not bring myself to do it. It seems no matter how hard we all try everything still revolves around him. Waking up, going to sleep, birthdays, eating his favorite foods, holidays, and just living. He was the life and glue of our family.
[My husband] yelled at me all the way home and then night finally came. Him on the couch and me in our bed. By three in the morning he started again. He woke me up seven times to yell at me for different things – one was he had to pack his own bag. Poor baby, guess he needs a cookie.
It’s pretty uneventful this week. I put up that stupid surround sound. Obviously he is not going to take it back (after all he bought it for himself) and hopefully it will make him happy. I already hate it. It is too loud and a pain in the ass. As I sit here writing this I am starting to get anxious as I know it won’t be long before he is home again. I have got to figure out how to make everything better or what I am going to do.
I am trying to get back into my life b.b.b.d. (before BooBoo’s death). One of the dogs is close to having her pups and there is one more behind her. I use to enjoy this so much even though it always sends [my husband] into a rage. He gets pissed because it takes so much of my attention away. That’s always good for a fight if he can’t find anything else.
We were invited to go skiing with [my daughter] and the kids, but I know he would ruin it for everyone, he already started about how we would be stuck with the grandkids. I sometimes wonder how he can say he loves them and turn around and not want to play with them. He should feel so lucky they want us around. His children never come around or invite us anywhere. I guess that’s half his problem. He is jealous.
So we will be here all weekend fighting and me wishing I was with my family. I do wonder what I will do wrong this weekend. I guess me being sick will cause the problem this time. I have to admit it’s the only excuse I have to not sleep with him this time. I hope I don’t get better before Sunday.
Another Day. Nothing new. We did fight all day Friday and Saturday. But I nipped it in the bud on Sunday. Yes I did the deed. It amazes me how that one act can change him. He goes back to being Mr. Wonderful.
But that was short lived. I forgot that Monday was a holiday. I reminded him that the kids were here and to keep it down. But somehow it was my fault that he could not remember where he put his glasses. He finally got out of here around eight. He was supposed to be at work at seven. My fault too.
We were all a lot more relaxed when he left. Life was back to a normal family. Happy and easy going. Big breakfast, laughing carrying on, just enjoying the day. When they finally left I heard all about myself over the phone. I think I could defiantly live without a phone. I love it when it does not work.
My sister was flying up for two wonderful weeks. And call to say her flight was delayed and may miss her connection in Atlanta. No good. [My daughter] was supposed to be picking her up as I had to be at the vets at the time her flight was coming in. And [my daughter] is now trying to get out of picking her up. Now I am pissed. They finally agreed to stick to the plan and I start cleaning up the morning’s disaster. The phone is ringing off the hook and I ignored it. I should not have done that.
On top of all the crap going on my sister’s husband had called. Turns out not only did they delay the flight but they cancelled it. They could have given her a later flight but what they did not know was she was afraid to fly in the first place so when they announced for everyone to exit immediately in an orderly fashion she thought it was a bomb. Turns out they had no landing gear. It was still enough. She will never go near a plane again. She was a wreck! Now that pretty much just finishes my day. I was so looking forward to seeing her. I knew for at least two weeks he would behave. No fighting.
I was using her but also needed her. Someone to talk to understand not judge me for missing my son, or yell at me for crying or being sad. Once again my mood made my life a living hell. I really should learn to lie fake everything loving him, needing him, wanting him and never, never let him know I am upset or sad. The next day I had to go into town to pick a book I had order for his brother’s daughter-in-law’s baby shower. Of course I made those plans because he got home early and told me he would be working, to make up the hours.
I guess I need to get his permission from now on just in case his schedule changes. Hum by golly I think I might be getting it. We missed the baby shower and the next day started with him yelling not more than fifteen minutes after I woke up. God I love it when he is gone. I need to have my me time in the morning – coffee, cigarette, no one talking to me for at least an hour! Hell even my grandchildren know it. They just grab their milk which I make ahead of time and then snuggle. When the news goes off they let it roll.
He woke me up three times before he left once to stand over and stare at me. And since the punch in the face while I was asleep the night of his Christmas party every time he walks into the room I wake up. I don’t let him know, but I watch him he will never get to sucker punch me again. Hell I am afraid one day he’ll snap and shoot me. I guess at least I will see it coming (not funny). After he left I still had the willies so I got up. Between the dreams and him freaking me out I could not sleep. It is going to be a long day – 3am does not do me well. One good thing – no husband for a week!
I spent most of the day enjoying the early morning storm. I love it when the storm brings the tide into the front yard. By noon the storm passed and I was just getting ready for a relaxing evening witch was going to end early dinner, hot tub and bed at six. I was exhausted. Around three I figured I would call [my husband] let him know I was going to eat and go to bed. That way he would not be calling me all night and thinking I was up to something.
Well that went over like a turd in a punch bowl. He is coming home early. He is on his way. Do you think he could have told me earlier? Now he can be mad because there is no supper. But I beat him to that. And I am mad. I told him as much it would have been nice to know so I could prepare not only supper but myself. I hung up. I took a steak out of the freezer and put it in microwave to defrost. I got into the tub thinking I could relax until he gets here. Then I’ll be happy, he’ll be happy, and everything will be fine.
No, no, no! I just get in and he is in the driveway and mad because I am in the tub. All I can think of is why had he not called when he hit the Bay bridge, it’s an hour in a half away. If I had not called him I wouldn’t have known he was on his way home. Once again he was trying to find me doing something wrong. What the hell can anyone do wrong on an island?
After an hour of fighting I say it is all my fault. That makes him happy and things calm down. I made dinner and then went upstairs to take a bath. I forgot I am not allowed to do that anymore without him. He jumped in. I washed and got out, this was not enjoyable to me. I went to bed with a short kiss and he was not too far behind. Or at least that’s my guess. I was exhausted. I had planned to be in bed three hours ago.
I woke up to him standing over me again. It gives me the willies so bad. I never know what he is going to do, even when he bends over to kiss me I jump. I can’t help it. I am afraid of him.
After the bath and a nice quiet supper, I figured today he would be happy…wrong! He left a note on the computer, explaining how I have messed our lives up and how I am the love of his life. And thank god for that what would he do to me if I wasn’t. How I treat him so bad and if I would just love him he would be a nicer person.
I keep saying it but I need a plan.
Another Day. Well knowing he was going to be coming home every day did help. When he came home Tuesday I managed to get him in the hot tub and he was very pleasant. He in turn got pissed in the middle of the night and went down stairs. Then proceeded to come up stairs three different times just to go through my clothes, stare, and of course kiss me and say I love you. When I got up I still could not figure out what pissed him off.
Another Day. Well, the same ole same ole. He stares at me. Of course I am awake because it’s 5:30 and he should be gone. I later found out he overslept (no wonder he stayed up late drinking). I just waited until he left to go down stairs. I knew and he made sure I did he slammed the door so hard it knocked shit off the wall. Oh well time to make the coffee. The day proved uneventful and I had fun cleaning with my new toy – a steamer for the floors.
He came home in a good mood but that changed quickly as my phone was ringing and ringing. I try to always answer it now because of BooBoo. [My daughter] said my kids and grandkids missed me, and I talked for a while to them. In the meantime, my girlfriend was beeping on, then Jay called just checking on me and lastly another friend called to tell me she missed school and could I please start waking her up again. By now [my husband] is livid because one I am one the phone, and two I did not jump up and kiss him.
I am thinking the man is a nut. I said I was sorry but in my defense I did blow you one. Although he and I both know I was being a smart ass in response to him telling me to kiss his ass. I got him calm, into the hot tub, and told him I had a surprise for him – meatloaf, his favorite.
Next he’s telling me again how my son hates me and loves him and they would all choose him over me if they had to. I listen for a while then called his bluff and told him to call Jay. He was on the phone acting all stupid like they were having some great conversation so I asked to talk too. Apparently the conversation was one-sided and Jay told him to leave him out of his drama. However, to my surprise, he did not tell [my husband] to act right or else, which is what he told me on my birthday that he would if [my husband] kept it up.
I hung up, got my supper and went to bed, but I knew or felt something bad was going to happen so I got one of his gun cases and jammed the door closed so he could not get in until morning. Well that did not go well because about thirty minutes later he wanted in. I knew he was mad just from the sound of his footsteps. He kicked the door in. The man is crazy, but it gets better.
He takes the pillows and leaves without a word. At one in the morning he starts again staring at me, standing over me, then the kisses telling me he loves me. I do nothing. He gets in bed, tries to snuggle up and wake me with kisses while saying over and over again how sorry he is. All I can think is what in the world has he broken or torn up this time. Please do not let him have found my locket is playing like a record in my mind. Then I did something stupid I said it out loud. What did you tear up?
Holy hell blew into him. Apparently he came up to have sex “so that I will be nice to your company this weekend” and I blew! Now no one will have fun! The fight is on and I don’t care who is here.
Another Day. More crying. More drama. I don’t know why everything has to be a fight. So the guys an ass – that’s no reason for beating mine. God he hates me but tells me he loves me, I wish I wasn’t so stupid. I wish I could tell someone but I am to too ashamed!
Another Day. Went to Jerry’s and Marcia’s party this weekend. He did go because he was mad about my shirt – said I looked like a whore. Brought little Jerry over to see pups – big mistake. I got him to go back with me but he was ignorant to everyone. We finally had to leave when he thought that I was sleeping with the guy I brought over. He didn’t realize it was their son and he was BooBoo’s age. Yep, another night of breaking shit and hitting. What a mess.
Another Day. I had my Easter this weekend another holiday without BooBoo has passed and we all lived through it. [My husband] was very nice and fun until they left. He was mad over the money that was spent, just a lot of screaming then bed. Sunday was no better because I didn’t make a fancy dinner. I never do and he knows that. I do Easter and all my holidays early so I can have all my family there. He was invited to his family’s. I don’t know why he just doesn’t go.
Another Day. What a weekend! Jerry gave me a really nice lawn mower and I got yelled at he said I must have given him a blow job for it. I don’t know what to do anymore. It just keeps getting worse. He followed me to bed Saturday night and I was just waiting for him to kill me in my sleep. Instead I did what he wanted…sex. Maybe I live to write another week. Note to self: get rid of ammo!
Another Day. Trees came in so I planted all 200 of them and some bulbs, too. I am in trouble because he doesn’t want to mow around them. What a dumb ass. He’s the one who said they would look so nice I think he is going crazy.
Another Day. [My husband] had a fit that we had to go to C.C. for my grandson’s birthday. When we got home he yelled all night until he passed out. I locked the door again and still couldn’t sleep so I went out on the roof. Thank god it is huge and flat and as long as I stay close to the house I don’t get afraid. He got in the room and started locking all the windows. If I went to one he ran and locked it. I was begging him to let me inside. Terrified, I finally broke a window. He is out of his mind. I cried all night he didn’t come back up until morning then I got it for breaking the window. He said I would see. I don’t know what that means but I am sure I’ll find out.
Another Day. Well I guess I should have been on the computer yesterday he knocked me out of the chair and tried to tear my cell out of my hands I knew he would rip it apart like all the others but this one has the last text BooBoo sent me. I begged him not to break it. He left me there on the floor just looking at me and walked away. Yep he broke it but not too bad. I can still use it. It’s time to start making a plan. He has broken almost everything I have left of BooBoo’s.
Teco has been missing now for a week. I don’t want to think it but that’s two puppies that just disappeared, and always when he’s been livid. I will never get away. That’s how I make money – no dogs, no money. Could he be doing something with them? Is he that cruel?
Memorial Day weekend. One week till we have a celebration of my son’s life. God how I miss him!
Didn’t get to go to the block party. [My husband] has a black eye. I was locked in my room again and all I could hear is shit breaking. I went down stairs and he was just picking shit up randomly and throwing it. I went to grab a craft out of his hands and when he jerked I lost my grip and it hit him right in his eye. I was stunned.
Next thing you know we are in it. I am trying to get away. It doesn’t work so as he is pulling me I am pushing him out the storm door. He fell and yep it’s broke. God I hate this, but now he can say I abuse him. Funny he gives himself a black eye and it’s my fault because I tried to get something from him.
Another Day. All has been the same – good days bad days. He is still breaking my things but, on the upside, soon there won’t be anything left to break. So last night Jerry and Marcia came over. Marcia left early to go home and there was just [my husband], myself, Jerry, and another male neighbor. I took my cue and gave the grandbabies a bath and put them to bed.
Around eleven I went to check on him. He’s in the kitchen doing the bobble head thing…drunk and asleep. I tried to wake him but he wasn’t budging. I go back to bed and one of the grandbabies had crawled in bed, no harm. [My husband] was down stairs.
Sometime later he comes upstairs, now he is mad as hell. Sometimes I think he has dreams and that sets him off. He starts screaming then he leaves, but within seconds he’s back and rips the cable box out of the tv. Now I am pissed. I grabbed it back and I don’t know why I was still half asleep but remember wanting to push him down the stairs to his death.
I went back in the bedroom and pushed a dresser in front of the door and tried to go back to sleep. Not for long. He put his fist or something through to come back in a couple of hours later to tell me he was running late and had to come down and do his laundry and pack his bag. Down I go because I don’t want the babies woke just to show him I had already done it.
While he starts again I tell I am going back up to please leave us alone. Around 6:30 I came down and to avoid waking the dogs, I go out front to try and figure out what had happened. He shows up coming around the corner of the house. I guess to find me doing something wrong. Whatever. So I come back in to get my punishment as we are sitting in the kitchen and I am being blamed for setting him off again.
I was picking up things off the floor. Stupid me I thought the fan blew them off the fridge. I realized today I was wrong. He finally left for work around 7:30 and a total wave of relief hit me.
Another Day. His granddaughter was born on the 25th. I hope he can finally understand why I am so protective of mine now. He made me go with him to see her – I didn’t want to go and he knew it. It would be the first time in a hospital since BooBoo, and of course I started to shake and get dizzy he let me go outside but I paid for it all the way home.
Another Day. Monica and her husband were uncomfortable. He was pretty good most the time, but was gone for most of it too. He came home yesterday. We had a great dinner and I thought it was all good until 4 am. He had to sleep in my room so her son could have the couch. Anyway he wanted sex and I was still sleeping.
That fool jumped out of bed, flipped me out again, told me that I had better fuck him and now or else! I told him to please quit screaming – we had company in the next room! I got up, ran out and started coffee. They were very polite and never said a word but said they wanted to go to O.C. for the day. They are supposed to go back to Florida on Sunday.
It’s Sunday. They never called took my calls or came back. So no more Monica. Another person chased off. He blames me for being a cunt and a bitch what going to happen when my sister gets here oh lordy I will pay! I told him I was going to see the kids in the morning. He is madder than a hornet.
Well he has his way. He is gone I don’t know where. I hope he left early to work. I slept in mac’s room last night since I can’t block the bed room any more. In her room I could sleep with my feet pushing on door …didn’t help he busted it open and flipped the whole bed over with me on it. I was sound asleep, then screaming and yelling. I went downstairs to get ready to leave and for once he did try to stop me.
I think he broke my neck – it barely moves. But he stood at the door watching me in a really weird way. I turned the car around but had to stop when one of the dogs ran out in front of me. I couldn’t stop! I tried again and he is just staring at me…at that moment I knew I wasn’t going anywhere. He did something to my brakes!! Please hurry Monday.
Another Day. Well for [my husband] was okay while [my friend] was here with her hubby. She just called. Apparently I was wrong – he bad mouthed me, told her how I abused him and how bad I was. She said it was the evil in him the way he talked and acted. They laughed about what he said to them. She didn’t even know we had problems! She asked how long he had been beating the shit out of me and told me to come stay with them. She was afraid for me, and they would never be back …. I’d love to know what really happened or was said. She won’t tell me.
Another Day. Guess I shouldn’t have gone to Marcia’s for coffee Sunday. He got mad because I was going across the street and started mowing the grass. “Good,” I thought, “that always calms him down.” Then I noticed he was cutting more than grass. He mowed down all my flowers and weeping willows – all 200. He really must hate me. Get a plan me!
Another Day. This time I am running away. I’m not quite sure where or how, but I have to. He knocked the door in again Saturday wanting a real fist fight this time. I pushed the door shut (or was trying to) and he ripped my glasses off my face. I got the door shut and slept.
I got up around 5 and he was still there on the couch, so I got in the tub and got ready to go see BooBoo. When I went in to get dressed, my glasses that were barely functional were gone. He watched me look for them, so I knew he had them. I asked for them but he said he didn’t. So I put in contacts. He forgot I had those.
**Extreme Animal Cruelty Below. Stop Reading Now if You Don’t Want to Have to Deal with the Knowledge of What Abusers Can Do to Animals**
As I go outside he said he would turn off the fence if I left, so I put the dogs in the car. Wrong move. He started for the puppies. I figured he was just going to put them in before he went for me. I have never been so wrong. He picked up those poor little guys, 6 weeks old, lifted them over his head – not quickly like in a rage – but slowly, all the while looking straight in my eyes. The whole time I’m thinking he wouldn’t … but he threw them into the kitchen!
He shut the door, took the only key, locked the house and left. I was stunned. I just sat there with the doors locked. As soon as I was sure he was gone, I just happened to notice the window was unlocked. I climbed in, grabbed the screaming pups and ran to Marcia’s.
They hid my car and took us in. They told I needed a plan especially after he had so called accidently ran over the pup’s mother a week and a half ago when he came flying in trying to get me doing something. Anyway I went to see booboo and have a talk with him after I calmed down.
When I returned, Marcia was in the house and dogs were on the porch, but poor Gavin was dead. I guess he hit so hard that within in an hour and half of being thrown his poor little brain swelled so bad his eye came out. He was dead. Murdered.