Elana’s Signs of Being Abused
I did some Internet research not too long ago. For many years, I did not know I had been brainwashed and verbally abused all along.
Elana’s Emotional Signs of Abuse
Regret, Confused, Dumbed down
Elana’s Story of Abuse
We have known each other for a decade. We got engaged last year and are soon to be married in two month’s time. Currently, we don’t live together.
First few years into the relationship, was rather smooth. But reaching our 5th year together forward, he started to show his true colors. I shall make it in point forms below of the temper and rages he has shown.
- Can be very sweet, loving, generous, affectionate but all of a sudden he became mad, extremely angry, and flew into a rage whenever I did something wrong. Some are minor, petty stuff like why I did not pick up his calls in time, not replying his texts in a split second, words that he has misheard yet he claimed I didn’t think before I speak. He expects me to answer his calls and texts while I’m in the shower because he does that too.
Ever called me names like stupid (most of the time), slut, bitch, unattractive, brainless, and other forms of degrading names you can think of when we are fighting. I would cry uncontrollably and believe that I am really stupid and unattractive to him.
Threatens to leave me, breakup, cancel the marriage, or find other women if I continue my bad behavior and showed my unattractiveness. He will ask me opinions if we should breakup or continue the relationship, and the next he will want to leave like mad without giving a second thought and then come back to me again. He has showed tremendous forms of split personalities whenever he is in his anger mode.
He ever argued with me in text messages for so many hours nonstop until I feel completely exhausted and drained, I felt like a zombie because of the loss of sleep throughout the night. Usually after, he will talk his way out of wanting to meet and have sex with me right after this episode of chaos.
If we fought while riding a bike with me as a pillion rider, he will ride recklessly and dangerously to vent his anger. If asked, why is he doing that dangerous act which could kill, he would blame me for sparking up his temper and that is the price I should pay for causing him to flare up.
Constant blaming and making me feel downright guilty in MOST of the crazy fights we got into. All the time I feel like walking on eggshells and trying to “correct” my sentence before I speak just so to avoid him getting pissed off if the words I say is “wrong” to his perception.
He disapproves some of my friends, calling them an irritating bunch whereas he expects me to approve his friends. Usually he will not let his male friends especially work colleagues be introduced to me. He won’t tell me the reason, he just said he doesn’t like it. I only know some of his male friends whom we are both close with. There were times his jealousy worsen and there were times he let me be carefree. I was confused.
Possibly the kindest, charming, funny, friendly guy in front of everyone else – my family and our friends. Whenever no one is around except the two of us, the mask completely unveils. Sometimes, I find myself rolling my eyes behind him when he treats others like angels. Stark hypocrisy.
He mentioned that I am always the cause of his temper and anger and that I should immediately change my behavior, do something about myself, learn not to spark even the slightest fuel whenever he raged. I was also told that he is afraid one day after marriage, he could kill me with his very own hands if I do not quit provoking him and that he won’t mind going to prison or hanged as a sentence. The reason was because he believed thereafter the fairness will then be justified. How sick is that? I was shaken for a good few minutes by that confession.
For now, I can only present you these symptoms that I could think of. God knows of other crazy antics he has displayed before. I know many people may ask why am I holding on and letting this abuse stay. My parents were separated while I was still in my teens and I witnessed certain events that were utterly shameful between two adults during those tragic years. I held on to the resentment and sometimes feel jealous of other friends who had a complete happy family tree.
I have cried incessantly, sometimes I talk to myself in the mirror. At times I find solace when I worship in God. I can’t let out my resentment to my abusive fiancé about the problems I faced – he will call me a weak person, incapable of solving the problem like an adult. He felt that whatever happened to my parents and my stepmom is none of my business and I just have to move on in life. Heck, he even said I should just jump off the building for behaving like a child. Then the abuse will start.
All praises to God, despite the years of mental abuse and family resentment I have never once thought of suicide, self-injury and the likes. I believe in my mind, self, body and the life that God has presented me. The only problem is the emotional roller coaster ride I am in, and the turmoil which has destroyed a major part of me.
I used to be cheerful. Now I have lost so much weight unintentionally, looked dull and down, out of job, and lazy to do things that I enjoyed or exercise. I mostly sleep long hours and feel lethargic. I have many infections that popped out of nowhere probably due to my decreased low immunity.
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