What happened that made you decide to leave?
Being called a "C U Next Tuesday" more than I could handle, having my personal belongings smashed and broken, being called no good, having been told to go slice my wrists and die and so on and so on. I can't even type everything he has done to make me feel the way I do it upsets me to much. I felt and still feel worthless.
How did you feel about your abuser and/or your relationship in the days before you left?
The DAYS up until I left I felt depressed, lonely, anxious and guilty. We were together 3 years. One of the first things I remember him saying to me was "You're beautiful". He was so shy and it's like he just meant to think it and not say it. Ha ha, I fell hard for him, he was so nice, caring and supportive. My family and friends thought I was one of the lucky ones and I felt the same way. I thought I had the last greatest guy on earth (and that is the honest truth).
He would bring me flowers just because, send me sweet texts throughout random days telling me how lucky he was to have such a wonderful woman in his life. He would laugh and make me laugh (that was over 2 years ago), but the abuse crept up on me within the first year. It started small with him getting angry and needing to be left alone and wouldn't say why. Then the possessiveness started. Whenever I wasn't with him, he would question me over and over again about who I was with, where I was and what guys were there. Then things got worse slowly.
I have depression, I was verbally abused as a child and I also have PTSD from the abuse as a child. I was also hospitalized at 15 for overdosing on Tylenol. I told him all of this. I opened up to him about things that he later threw in my face ("Go slice your wrists and die or better yet do it to go back to the mental ward where you belong you psycho Bitch!"). He would flush my pills saying I didn't need them it was all in my head and I wanted attention. He would blame me for his actions saying it was because I didn't show him I loved him. But how do you show someone love who talks to you like you are trash and do not matter in life? Most of the time he just never talked to me.
I was isolated from my friends and family. After a while, to him they were all losers and I didn't need that kind of negativity in my life. It was like he was brainwashing me. I came to believe a lot of what he said about me, especially calling me a pill head psycho, and it was all in my head. I felt it was my fault and he was right which isolated me from people even from work....... so I went off my medication for a while which made me very depressed which in turn made him more angry. He blamed his moods on me being miserable and never wanting to leave the room.
The night I finally left he threw the bureau across the room. He kept yelling where my phone was because he convinced himself I was talking about him and blaming everything on him. He was insane and all over the place. He started smashing things like my sound machine. I hid my phone in my bra when he was in another room looking for it. I was shaking so bad, I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. Before I did though I said how he was really scaring me and asked him to stop.
He started calling me the "CU Next Tuesday" word and "psycho" over and over again. I got in my car and locked the door. He was trying to open the door and started punching the window calling me those words (mind you it is 11 PM). I just put the car in reverse shaking so bad, and left.
The next day, me and a friend rented a U-Haul (he was working) and we got my stuff out. I did it I actually did it! My friend didn't give me time to think about it or give an excuse - it was done and I'm for the most part glad, but I have a lot of guilt. I think I feel like I abandoned him. He's been calling me crying saying he can't function at work and he's sorry and he even told me he started seeing a therapist, but I know I can never go back ever.
Cutting all ties is so hard right now; I think I'm just afraid and I don't even know why. I know, crazy right? I have so many emotions running through my head I don't know what to do or think or what is me thinking and what is him telling me what to think. I have so much confusion still...
When I came upon this website I realized I was being verbally and emotionally abused and I can't believe I didn't see it, knowing how I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child. I should have saw the signs...I know I'm rambling on and on there is so much more I'm just getting upset typing this. I'm not even sure a lot of it will make sense to you, I guess I should have waited until I was in a better emotional state?! But that is my story in a nut shell.
What three emotions did you most experience in the days closest to leaving Abuse? How did you deal with them?
Depressed, Confused, Anxious
What planning did you do before you left? Who knew you were leaving besides you?
A friend of mine's Grandmother had an in-law apartment. It took me 3 months from her telling me about it to decide to take it, but then after moving in my winter clothes (things he wouldn't miss), I decided to give it another try and turned down the apartment. Four days later, I left the house at 11 PM to go to a friends because I was scared and it was by far the worse fight we had in 3 years. When I came upon this website and realized I was being abused, I told a few co workers/friends at work and my sister. My sister couldn't believe it and she even admitted to me that she thought I was exaggerating some arguments we had because I was mad, and she did apologize to me for that...
What were the one or two BEST things you did before you left?
Grabbed my car keys ahead of time and my phone, otherwise he would of smashed my phone and not given me my keys.
If there was anything you wish you had not done before you left, what was it?
I guess text my friend back, because that's what set him off, and all the text said was "Can you come in early to work tomorrow and cover my first few patients?" Then again if that didn't happen I might not of ever left so I really am not sure.
Is there anything else you would like to say?
It's been almost 4 weeks now, I'm grieving still, but not as much. I notice I don't have night terrors anymore and I feel a bit free, but guilty, very guilty.
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