Forced Counseling for the Abuser

During a period of emotional turmoil, I begged my abuser to talk to his chaplain for counseling. He agreed to speak with the priest.

What I Hoped This Would Accomplish:

I hoped that his chaplain would recommend a program OR SOMETHING to help him deal with his anger, abusive personality, or whatever it is that causes him to abuse our kids and me, and other people too.

Results:

Will went to the chaplain, and said, “My wife says I’m verbally abusive and she wanted me to come talk to you.”

In the end, the chaplain said, “Will, what can I do for YOU?”

Of course, my husband didn’t think he should be there at all and told the chaplain that HE didn’t need help – our marriage did. (This is what Will reported to me anyway.)

So, this was a bust. Will wants me to accept joint responsibility for this “marriage problem” and I won’t do that. Not anymore. He is abusive, and he has to fix that before we can move forward.

Recommendations:

I hate to say it, but when someone tells you that YOU CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE CHANGE, they are right.

Patricia Evans also has something to say about attending marriage counseling when you’re being abused by your husband. Basically she said that marriage counseling is probably pointless. The whole job of the counselor is to bring couples together. This means JOINT responsibility.

Now, I’m not saying you and I have no faults, but when it comes to abuse, we victims have NO RESPONSIBILITY for the abuse or the abuser’s actions and words. In my opinion, if my husband cannot (or will not) stop the abuse, then my trying to be a “better wife” is pointless. In addition, my marriage history shows that I will never ever be a “good wife” to my husband. No matter what I’ve done (or didn’t do) in the past, I can never live up to his “good wife” standard.

Well, except for when the house was spotless and the children were well-behaved and dinner was warm on the table when he got home, and the dogs were clean, and I took off his shoes for him, and ran his bath, and put out after rubbing his back at bedtime, …AND all of this happened on the same day.

Photo by James Coleman