The Gentle, Other Voice
I am getting rid of some possessions that reflect “the old me” and keeping ones that project “who I am, was at heart, and always will be.” If something I own does not support the idea that I am “strong and vibrant”, then it is finding a new home.
I am sitting at the table, thinking about the trunkful of books to take to the used book store (about 70% of my collection) and looking at moving boxes I plan to deliver to the Salvation Army or Goodwill (about 60% of the stuff in my kitchen hutch, display case and office). All of these things remind me of bad events, were given to me for a manipulative reason, or reflect the time that I spent trying to be someone I am not. Good riddance, right?
So why am I anxious? Why am I getting that unthinking panic feeling in my gut? Why am I wondering if I couldn’t use those boxes for end tables…a pretty cloth would cover the box and…STOP!
Frantically, I start scribbling in my journal. Free flow, let the feeling out. After a bit, I get the following bit of information:
Fear and panic (like this) are signs that I am thinking of NOT being who I am. I am thinking of ignoring myself, denying who I am, and my big ol’ heart just can’t take the thought of retreating to the dark recesses again.
Immediately, I think, “So what do I do? How do I stop the panic so I can be me?”
And that gentle, other voice replies:
“Know that this anxiety is a reaction to doing something that has previously brought you pain. You were punished for being you. Going into your false identity was safer, you thought. You’re wiser now, but coming out of the false identity you so dutifully crafted isn’t easy. You know you will be punished for being you again; only this time, you have no desire to compromise. You will not shrink, you will not fail.
“Plod forward, day by day, to extricate your truth. Do not second guess your decision to be strong and vibrant. Know that this anxiety is a habitual reaction and will dissipate as your false habits vanish. Deliver the books and objects to another heart seeking her truth…they will be met with open arms as I am standing here now, arms open, welcoming your warm light into the folds of truth, encouragement and love.
“You are never alone. You will not fail to be you.”
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October 11th, 2009 at 10:54 PM
blog_update The Gentle, Other Voice: I am getting rid of some possessions that reflect “the ol.. http://bit.ly/V1wM6
October 12th, 2009 at 3:21 AM
This is a really great post. Before I met my husband I was a writer. I was going to college. I was vibrant and outgoing. I definately forgot who that woman was for many years. He became my idenity. And not that your family shouldn’t be a part of your idenity. THey definately should. But you shouldn’t completely lose yourself either. That is the bad part of living with an abuser. They can’t see past their own happiness and the tend to break the ones that they are the closest too and that love them the most.
October 12th, 2009 at 9:41 PM
Are you still a writer? I’m thinking of “doing something” with writing, but I don’t know what.
October 14th, 2009 at 1:43 AM
I mostly write poetry…I wanted to be a teacher or a journalist. Writing runs in my family. One of my Aunts is a major published writer.
But no…not really. I just do it for fun now. I stopped journaling because Marc would find them and read them and get very upset by my feelings. So I kinda bottle everything up now. You are doing great with your blog though. I am sure that you are reaching lot of women and men. Maybe you should write a book about your expierences. 
You are very talented.
October 14th, 2009 at 1:44 AM
I mostly write poetry…I wanted to be a teacher or a journalist. Writing runs in my family. One of my Aunts is a major published writer.
But no…not really. I just do it for fun now. I stopped journaling because Marc would find them and read them and get very upset by my feelings. So I kinda bottle everything up now. You are doing great with your blog though. I am sure that you are reaching lot of women and men. Maybe you should write a book about your expierences. 
You are very talented. In my opinion.
October 19th, 2009 at 9:42 PM
I always thought this was only happening to me. I am going through this for the last 27 years. Call me crazy. We went for counselling after 2 sessions he sweet talked into cancelling promising things were going to be better. I have lost knowledge of who I was and who I am. He married me for my money and to get out of the hopeless situation he was in, and to elevate his status that will give a better life for his 2 sisters and brother. All at my expense. I was only 20 and thought was changing the world. Look what I got into. Not only me who is suffering, my children too. He would loving communicate with his nieces while never hugged or kissed his own children. My son suffered the most. By the time I realised, it was too late. I am now giving all my attention to my daughter, but it is very difficult living in the same house with him walking around. He at times drives me to suicide. I find a lot of solace in your writing. At least I am not alone