Christy’s Signs of Being Abused
I was approached by a family member who stated my husband of the time was trying to control me. It hit me so hard because I finally had an answer, a voice a reason for why I was so depressed, felt worthless and felt suicidal
Christy’s Emotional Signs of Abuse
Worthless, Alone, Suicidal
Christy’s Story of Abuse
I had been married many years and soon after our wedding, I began to feel worthless. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I would spend hours lying on the couch feeling useless and unloved.
It was very insidious at first…I can’t exactly remember the things that were said but I was aware that my significant other’s family thought I was below them and they were often hostile to me. We eventually moved to get away from them.
As years went on, I went to school, got a job as a nurse and worked hard. His comments about how I was always “upset about something” and I was “crazy” began to surface. There was this underlying current of the need to control and put me down.
I started antidepressants about 10 yrs into the marriage. He accused me of being an an alcoholic because I was caught having a drink two or three times while alone…I never abused alcohol, it was just another put down.
I had a difficult first pregnancy and was frightened to have another due to heart problems, but he gave the ultimatum that if I didn’t have another, he would “start looking for someone else”. So I reluctantly got pregnant again.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my children! But I risked my life having my second child and there were times when I thought I would not make it, lots of scares along the way.
All my adult life I had been searching for help…family didn’t believe me, I didn’t believe it sometimes as well.
He would get mad at me and leave me alone on holidays, walking out the door enraged, and I didn’t know if he would return or if he’d bring the children back. It got so bad I almost committed suicide several times because I felt worthless and like there was no hope.
I finally found help in religion and found others who were willing to listen and understood and supported me.
But now that I am out of this relationship, and loved by someone very special who saved me from the abuse, I still feel the raw pain, I still feel worthless. I sometimes try to reach out to family members who agree that this relationship was unhealthy, but still I feel alone…I think that some family members’ guilt stops them from helping me.
I can’t say too much to my significant other because I don’t want him to know how much pain I still feel. I am a forensic nurse who takes care of victims of sexual abuse and it breaks my heart what they go through and it makes my pain raw every time I care for them.
I’m broken. Sad.
Of course, he won’t say that he has problems, although at first he agreed then retracted his statement.
Sad thing is, he was my companion for so long and he must have never loved me. He admitted he tried to change me after we got married.
But I want the 16 yrs of my life back that he took away from me. I want my love back, the love I gave him, I want my youth back, I want my innocence back…I lost nearly everything when I walked away and yet, gained someone I dearly love and who loves me but I’m so angry still.
Why wasn’t I good enough? I was convinced I was a terrible person, selfish, etc…I want what he took from me back. I deserve better than what I was given.
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