How Connie Found Out She Was Being Abused
Well while discussing my fights with my husband with my friends. But my children who are not his, told me from the beginning but I just thought they did not want me with anyone but their dad.
Words Connie Chose to Describe Her Abusive Experience
Fear, Belittled, Depressed and Confused
Connie’s Story of Abuse
Our first fight was a clear red flag - I was in the hospital and he was supposed to call me and he did not call until the wee hours of the night and he was drunk, then he proceeded to call me fat and that at least his ex-wife was skinny now and he went on to yell at me for no reason.
The next red flag was when he sold candy bars for my daughter and never gave me the money for them and never brought it up. Then there was the never having the money to help me pitch in for the utilities and food when he was living with me and my children.
The next fight was up at my mom’s trailer, we where drinking in front of our fire, just the two of us, then all of a sudden we where fighting about something and he took off all his clothes and threw them in the fire. I went to bed and the next morning he went and bought me a card and a present to say he was sorry and this continued for years.
He controls all the money and even though I told him not to pay the bills without me he does it anyways, over and over and then he blames me for not knowing what is going on. I am a Christian and I am trying to wait for God’s answer to what I should do because in the past I left him like five times and then kept coming back because I believe that God loves marriage even though I have Christian friends who tell me that I don’t have to stay in an abusive relationship but is it really, he does not hit me???
I did read in someone else’s testimonial that she thought that when she married her husband that she could trust him, I guess I learned early in the relationship that I could not trust him but I still married him and I really don’t trust him because when ever I tell him things that are private he uses them against me and he does use my medicine against me too.
I really have no reason to stay except that I have no money and I am not sure what God wants me to do. We have no children together, just a house that we could lose, a lot of debt and we work together which this was supposed to be my thing because he has a job but of course he takes control of that too, when I have asked him to train me he yells at me.
He just came down as I was writing this and of course asked what I was writing because I closed the computer and I told him it was personal but I know I will be punished for it later as usual.
Last year I had a nervous breakdown that lead to me losing my job and being put on disability but in the meantime my doctor told me to start working for my husband’s friend because he was starting a business and this way I could work my way back to being able to work when my disability runs outand I have found that I love this job because I don’t get paid for work I don’t do so I am not ripping anyone off when I can’t get up and do anything, but this is all getting better each and every day. The other benefit is that I am working my way back up to being able to work full-time and it is a job on the road not in the office 10 – 12 hours a day.
I know I just got off subject a bit but this all ties in with the question of abuse - I have not really been doing house chores, paying the bills or cooking much because he always gets to everything before me and I think it is his way of controlling me so when he feels like it he will throw it in my face and tell me I don’t do anything but when I tell him to start leaving things and I will get to them on my time then I am wrong and when I tell him to stop doing something like the dishes and I will do them he says no that is ok I will do them, you just relax ( that really means I want to do them so I can use it against you later).
Another big problem is that he has two kids, daughter is 12 and son is 8, he says that he wants me to act like a step-mom but when I try to interact with my opinion he gets mad and never includes me with decisions and again when I say something about it he blows up and I am wrong.
I don’t know my place in this house anymore – with him, his kids or our finances, I feel like the best thing for me is to start working on my own little business on the side which I have pretty much in the works and stay involved in my church as much as possible, which I do and this way I will be away from the house more than here.
With all I have in the works though, it leaves me very little time to work on the marriage if that is what I am supposed to do but I feel like I have to start securing my future for me and my kids ( even thought my kids are grown, my son lives on his own and my daughter is in college so she is only home in the summer).
I am scared and don’t know what the right thing to do is, I am so tired, scared, I feel worthless half the time but I do not want to have another nervous breakdown.
Oh, I left out a big problem of ours - I have a dog that is my baby and he is jealous of the dog and when he get’s mad at me or her he will hurt the dog to the point where she will yelp and he thinks hitting our animals is ok which is a big no-no for me, I love animals and he led me to believe he did too but I don’t think it is true because of the way he treats them. He does not even care if they run out of food and they don’t get fed for days.
Now I don’t want everyone who reads this to think that I don’t have issues because I do, I spend too much money when we don’t have it and then of course because he controls the money I get yelled at because I spent it and I know I am wrong but I read once that women will do that when they are in a controlling relationship but I don’t think I can blame that all on him and I don’t keep my closet clean and I can get a bit lazy and I am sure there are a bunch more things wrong with me that I just can’t think of now but I was willing to work on all of it.
We have been to counseling a ton of time and of course he won a few of them over with his charm so I started going to one alone and she was helping me with my issues, but then I lost my insurance so I just go to my church for counseling. I even bought this book boundaries in a marriage and this is when I really started to think that I don’t know if I can do this because I don’t trust him enough to let him put boundaries on me because he would use them in the wrong way, it would be more control for him and it even said that in the book.
Basically if anyone has any comments, advice or help please pass it on to me, I can really use an online group to communicate with..
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