Are Abusers Typically Men?

Reports of women who abuse men make up about 10% of domestic abuse cases. The best answer to the question is that most reported abusers are men.

This is either because

  • Most abusers are in fact men, not women, or
  • Male and female abusers occur in the same percentages, but men are 90% less likely to come forward to talk about verbal abuse they’re experiencing.

Reliable statistics concerning male victims of domestic violence are hard to come by because many men do not report their abuse. I assume that men are less likely to share their abusive experiences. Men tend to mention verbal abuse in terms such as “hen-pecked” or “nagged to death.” Unfortunately, it is less acceptable for a man to seek help for abuse in our society – society proclaims the male is “king of the castle” and “wears the pants” in his family (ironically, these beliefs also fuel abusive men).

Women who abuse men know their partner is unlikely to reveal the truth. Admitting to abuse, admitting that a woman controls him, is like admitting he is not a “man.” We condition men not to ask for”help” or admit he is “powerless” in a relationship. Wow. No wonder we don’t hear about men being abused very often.

Women who abuse men condition their partner to believe that they’re NOT “manly” (or whatever words she uses to diminish him) and then society tells him he is unmanly to admit to his abuse (he’s “supposed” to do the protecting and “be the man”). Isn’t that a double whammy?

Is it any wonder men choose to silently suffer instead of getting the support they need to leave a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t relationship?

Men can abuse their male partners; women can abuse their female partners. Women who abuse men are just as horrid as the reversed situation. I want to make it clear that the information presented on Verbal Abuse Journals seeks to educate victims and prevent abuse of either gender and any sexual orientation.

If you are a male victim of abuse I’m glad you’re here. I hope this little piece on the web helps you to recognize it and create a plan to deal with and heal from the abuse you experience.

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  1. Anthony Eggleston... says:

    Very good 🙂 i like this and i hope many others read this…….

    here is something i would like to add…

    the ideological concept of the terms “suck it up” and “don’t be a wimp” are the more common reasons why Men don’t report abuse. the idea of a male figure to be weak is not something the public looks at as a good public figure… this being said people that stand up against all common beliefs and fight for what is the right thing becomes some type of (in this example) sexist individual (which i have been called many times) based off my ideas as well as a lot of others that are on those same pages.make things fair across the board. make shared parenting the first option in every divorced family, and that abuse happens on both sides – male and female – and to make such laws that protect the rights of both, and to protect the kids right to be able to see both parents and have a fruitful relationship with each (what have they done to deserve to be taken away from there parent?). to me the act of portraying men as “the bad guys” all the time is a act of a sexist hate crime so why not take that approach? and by doing so the only thing that we could hope to accomplish is one thing… fairness across the board nothing more. further more what i have found so fair is that the people that think my ideas or outrages are stupid tend to be the ones that use and abuse the system to get what they want and do not want it changed, cause then they could not get away with a lot of the activity’s they’re involved in. its sad… just like any other law people will try to find ways to take advantage of it, and in this case its being taken advantage in a very malicious manner… what happened to the 14th Amendment and its declaration? states must treat citizens equally, and can’t favor men over women, whites over blacks, or heterosexuals over gays?

    • I agree that judgment for the mother across the board is very sexist! Unfortunately, I am a mother who received visitation which allowed our abuser to torment the boys and me with giving and taking away time (always staying in line with the judge’s minimum visitation yet undermining me with our boys consistently).

      I think that the courts are so afraid of looking biased that when a case comes along when the children are older (like mine) or the judge has read about parental alienation (which gets blamed on the victim who reports the abuse), custody decisions become unfair.

      I think one solution is to require judges to attend a yearly or bi-yearly workshop that educates them about domestic violence and abuse. They need to know how abusers can appear competent and victims appear weak or even crazy due to PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. And they need to understand how difficult it is to determine who the proper primary (or sole) guardian should be based on the appearance of the parents in court.

      Because proper judgment can be SO DIFFICULT to ascertain, custody issues should have leeway when it comes to financing the attorneys, and parents should be interviewed in private by the judge as a matter of course. There should be follow-ups once the judgment comes down at no cost to the parents, and the belief that having both parents in a child’s life should be re-examined. Perhaps two judges should sit on custody cases instead of one.

      Judges of both sexes need to grab their balls and make judgments based on each case, an updated education on abuse, and without a political agenda of either favoring women who they believe cannot be the abuser or favoring men who they feel to be victims of parental alienation.

      God, Anthony. Sometimes it seems like a pipe dream to find justice in family court. I am sorry for your troubles.

      As a hopeful light for you, my boys, 18 and 21 now, have seen the truth. Their father’s game backfired. Although they are boys and will always crave their father’s approval, they are realizing that day will never come – at least not permanently. They know their dad manipulates them with his “approval rating” and they are learning to detach.

      Hang in there Anthony. Don’t stoop to your spouse’s level. Your children are smart and will see the truth in the end.

  2. Excellent post. Clear and to the main point when it comes to discussing abuse of male victims, why the reporting is so skimpy..

  3. I personally think, (know) that a woman can destroy a man with her “mouth of many screaming, shaming, unfair, embarrassing insults and name calling” and make him feel like he is nothing better than the dirt under her feet! She can say, do, anything she desires to cause a man to feel like he has no reason to want to get up and do anything, go to work, go to see family members, etc., because he feels like “the most WORTHLESS MAN” in the whole world. She will do these things in front of the children and act like she is the victim, which makes the small children feel like “Mommy” is the victim too, because Daddy doesn’t want to let the children see him say mean things back to their Mom, (his wife)!

    First mistake, wife thinks it’s important to let child(ren), see and hear everything that goes on , as long as it is in her favor. WRONG! This hurts the children and scars them for the rest of their lives, and they, in their future lives will act and expect the same treatments and ways of parenting that they were brought up in!!!! They should NEVER see this kind of behavior on either side, man or woman(wife or husband), they don’t deserve to be put in this type of atmosphere in there little lives. It causes them not to be able to function like normal kids do, at school, play, work, all of the above and more. When they do get married, they will live their lives according to what and how their parents lived theirs as they were supposed to be “role models” for their children!.

    A man can hurt a woman because we are fragile, more so than men, but, when a woman can break a man down to his knees by her mean and hateful words and insensitive hurtful and demeaning manor in which she treats her husband. She makes him feel like she hates his guts, and in many cases, has said so in front of the children!!!! Wow, what kind of MOM would want her children to see and hear such things about “their Dad”, and “the man their MOM says she loves”? Once you let something as cruel and mean come out of your mouth to the person that you have promised God that you would be good to him/her, and HONOR them for the rest of your lives, those awful words “keep ringing in a spouse’s ears and roles over and over in their minds until they become so weak, and feel so unloved, no good, hated by the person they thought loved them so much, and don’t feel respected as a man/woman anymore in anyway, your will to do anything leaves your spirit in shock and in a way that your whole world seems to be falling down around you.. After all, our spousal relationships can either “MAKE OR BREAK A PERSON”, and when this kind of verbal and mental abuse is all you ever hear from a spouse that “promised to be good to him/her for the rest of their lives, your inner self is telling you that in the eyes of your wife/husband, you are nothing to them except what they can use you for to get what/where they want to be in life, and after they get that, watch out!!!!!!!!!!!

    Men, stand up for yourselves and don’t let the views of what women are so freely to discuss with complete strangers/friends, etc. “about how awful they are treated”, stand any longer!!!! It’s time to “TELL ALL”, and let the public, and all the critics out there start pointing their fingers to the women for a change. I think when a marriage takes place, “the husband’s parents should make the same statement as the wife’s parents so freely make to the husband of their daughter! “YOU HURT MY DAUGHTER, YOU WILL ANSWER TO ME!!!! THEIR SHOULD BE A DOUBLE WHAMMY IN THE THREATS OF PARENTS, and that being, “IF YOU HURT MY SON, YOU WILL ANSWER TO ME”…………. Women can really be vicious and cruel and run their mouths and tear a man’s pure soul right out of his chest, and the man takes it because he doesn’t want others to know that his wife can treat him like this and get by with it.

What do you think? Tell us!