The too fast too soon red flag I mention in the following video has to do with
- feeling pressured by your partner to commit to one another, or
- feeling “so in love” that you just can’t wait to commit to your “soulmate” who knows you so well already.
If you feel either way, it is important to slow down. Take a breath alone. Let things settle. That person isn’t going anywhere if they are truly in love with you.
Transcript
Hello, my name is Kellie Jo Holly, and I’d like to share with you some abusers’ opening moves. What I mean by that is at the beginning of a relationship, there are some red flags that you should pay attention to.
The first one is that abusive people often rush a commitment. What I mean by that is they meet you, they take you out on a date and they’re calling you the next day for a date the second night. Right away.
They want to have sex very early. They may label you as their boyfriend or their girlfriend within days of meeting you. The person may introduce you to their children or their parents or other important people in their lives very early in the relationship.
I keep saying “very early” and what this means is if you feel uncomfortable being thrust into any of these situations, then you need to pay attention to what you are feeling. You are the one who judges whether this happens too quickly or not.
Be very careful about someone who tells you “I love you” within a short time frame. Love is a very powerful emotion and it takes time to develop thoroughly. You know how long it takes for you to fall in love with somebody, to really love them for everything they are. And you don’t say that on the first date, you don’t say that in [pick your time frame].
You decide when it is okay to say, “I love you.” You decide when it is okay to believe it when someone says it to you.
A new partner rushing you to a commitment is one of the first things to watch out for when beginning a relationship. If someone pushes you faster than is comfortable, then they could turn out to be your abuser.
Too Fast Too Soon Doesn’t Mean What We Want It To
Moving too fast, too soon in a new relationship is a red flag warning of future abuse in the relationship. It is rather easy for people outside the relationship to see the problem. Unfortunately for the future abuse victim, they do not interpret the quick forward direction as a red flag. Part of the reason is that we so easily interpret “moving too fast, too soon” as a good thing. We relate it to the feeling of joy. And we’re joyful because we found our soulmate!
It is easy to be swept away when the person who swears they love you soon after meeting you also feels so perfect for you. Everything you believe, they believe. They understand your past, they want to support you as you strive for your goals. They use the same phrases you use and can complete your sentences. Whenever a person falls head over heels in love with you, it is easy to want to feel the same way about them. Who do you know who does not want to find someone who understands them and loves them despite any flaws? Who would turn down the love of a soulmate?
The problem with finding your soulmate is that abusive predators know exactly how to disguise themselves as your perfect love. Predators are so good at disguising their true selves because they are expert observers and mimickers of other people. Because of that, they easily blend in with any group of people they choose. That means an abusive predator can easily merge with you, too. They are chameleons, acting their way through life. It is important to remember that early in a relationship, there is no way to tell if a person is a predator or a soulmate.
Recognizing the “too fast, too soon” commitment red flag can help you determine if your new love is a true love. In the joy of finding new love, it is difficult to slow your roll. However, that is what you must do. Before going into a new relationship, decide for yourself how long it takes to know you love someone.
How long does it take to know someone well enough to love them?
Featured photo by Julian Myles
