Accusing and Blaming

accusing and blamingAccusing and blaming helps abusers take the focus off of what they’re doing and put it onto their victim. If your abuser can convincingly accuse you of “starting this whole thing” or blame you for their actions, then you’re likely to consider their viewpoint.

You love your abuser, right? It’s only natural that you would want to consider just how much of the current abuse is your fault so you can “fix it”. (Note: NONE of it is your fault. Accusing and blaming is a tactic used to control you!)

How My Husband Uses Accusing and Blaming

Will accuses and blames me when things don’t go his way, especially when I react to his abuse through anger or tears. I am supposed to be strong enough to take his “criticisms” without lashing out or feeling sad. According to him, I’m always over-reacting and causing my own hurt. If I didn’t do X, then Y wouldn’t happen.

I’m a drama queen or “stirring the pot” (purposefully causing trouble). In short, my every reaction is a result of some lie I’ve convinced myself is true and then set out to make his life miserable, too.

According to my husband, he’d be perfectly happy if it weren’t for me being a “sad sack” or a sorry excuse for a woman. I should be more like his grandmother and be able to take his “bad moods”.

He’s said, “I’d be pissed too if you were late for no reason, but I have a good reason! It’s part of my job!” Evidently, it’s also part of my husband’s job to stay out until 2AM without so much as a phone call letting me know he would be late for dinner. He blamed me for his inability to respect his wife (me) because I don’t react to his late nights and drinking like his grandmother reacts to grandpa’s.

Accusing and blaming turns the victim’s bad feelings toward the abuser back onto the victim. It causes the victim to reconsider their approach or their requests of the abusive partner when, in “our” reality, the victim had every reason to bring up the issue. In the abuser’s reality, the victim steps out of line.

How to React to Accusing and Blaming

how to react to accusing and blamingWhen you notice your abuser accusing and blaming, you could say:

  • “Stop blaming me.”
  • “This is not my fault.”
  • “I refuse to take the blame for this.”
  • “I will bring this up later and we can talk about it without placing blame.”

These statements are simply statements of fact. They do not force your abuser to see your point or to end the argument. They do give you the satisfaction of staying calm and clear-headed, and force responsibility back onto your partner’s shoulders.

Arguing is worse because it escalates the abuse.

Things not to say in response to accusing and blaming:

  • “I wouldn’t be so upset if you would just listen to me for a minute!”
  • “Oh yeah? Well I wouldn’t have to overreact if you would talk to me nicely!”

No, no, no. Those statements blame your abuser for your reaction to the situation. This is exactly what your partner is doing to you, and no good will come of it. You are in charge of your own words and actions – make them good ones.

Remember that these statements are to help you feel better and detach from your abuser’s antics. They do not guarantee that your abuser will stop abusing you, nor do they protect you from further abuse. You should fill out a safety plan so you know what you will do if things get out of hand.


Based on the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, ISBN 1558503048, Adams Media, February 2003 and my experiences with verbal abuse.

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Comments

  1. TheGhostofBelleStarr says:

    Just yesterday I got a whipping with his mouth. But this has been going on for 38 years, since I was 16 and he was 34. Calling me a moron, idiot, criticizing everything I say or do..telling me ” one of these days I’m just going to forget about your mental deficiencies (indicating I’m nuts) and just pop you one, but I digress…yesterday he knocked my $45 bottle of foundation off my cosmetic shelf in the bathroom and broke it. A shelf where I keep many of my cosmetics and have for years. Its a normal place to keep such items. He was reaching for something else and knocked it off. He has broke many, many things in our house, he is clumsy, and sometimes I feel like I’m living with a 5 year old. Well, rather then say ” oh honey damn I’m sorry I broke your bottle of makeup, he went into a tirade and blamed ME that he broke it. Said I am ” so irresponsible and it had no business there ! ” Oh he went on and on..I even went in the other room and closed the door and I could still hear him muttering on and on 10 minutes later about it. This from the same man who has taken the mop out of my hands when I was mopping and told me ” let me show you how to do that correctly” ( i.e. his way). This from the man who called me a ” fucking idiot” as he took the bowl of vegetables out of my hands when I was trying to butter them, said ” you don’t do that properly”…butter vegetables ? Oh I could go on but whats the point….life is misery and I have wasted my whole life with him.

    • My daughter is in a situation similar to yours. Her and her husband are separated now but he is still emotional abusing her. They have a son who is 5 and just adorable. He is the apple of my daughters eye. Her husband had nothing to do with him until they separated. Now he wants half custody of him. When he has him, he has a nanny or someone else to take care of him and he puts him in dangerous situation and puts pictures on fb where my daughter can see them. He is emotionally abusing her as he has done for 10 years and now using there son to do it. There is so much more to tell. Pretty much the same as what I have been reading. His physical abuse, he hid well. The verbal abuse and threats of getting full custody of their son, not to mention the, “its all your fault” bull shit accusations are over whelming. She was the best wife any man would kill for, beautiful, kept a clean house, took care of their son and his, from a previous marriage. She is as beautiful inside as she is out. Even her own attorney told her that his chances of all his threats are good because he has a lot of money. Their has to be some kind of law to protect women and mother’s from all this bullshit. She lives in constant fear of what he might do. She and I both, and the rest of the family, are in fear for her and the children’s lives. Some how he knows every move she makes, where she goes and with who, where she eats, where she buys groceries and when, even how much she spends. She is a prisoner in her own home. I could go on and on about all the things he is doing to her. Her Dr who she has been seeing for years, refuses to see her anymore because of her husband and she also has had lawyers refuse to represent her because of conflict of interest. Her husband knows people and if not, has the money to pay them off. Where do you trust? Who can’t be bought off? Please if anyone can give advise we would appreciate it.

      • Jonnie Jo, I have no good answers for you. Abusers often have friends in high places. Is there a way she could move any court battles to a different county? She should also download and save the images he posts on facebook as well as any messages he sends to her. Print the page or take a screenshot if its a facebook message.

        Also, it sounds as if he has a GPS tracking device on her car, embedded in her purse, or on her cell phone. She should check the car thoroughly, and if she has a mechanic friend, have them check the car, too. As for knowing how much she spends, your daughter should completely change her bank and credit card accounts. Have her call the companies and tell them she’s being tracked and needs new account numbers and assurance that she is the only person authorized to view her accounts.

        Also, she should change EVERY ONE of her passwords to banks, creditors, billers, and every other website she visits. I don’t know exactly how keyboard tracking software works, but it is possible her online activities are monitored remotely – he could know her plans, thoughts, and anything else she types via a remote keystroke collector. Have her take her computer to a shop to check for keylogging or some other silent program that allows her ex to stalk her activities.

        Also, if she finds proof of any of these spying techniques, it is a good idea to ask the person who found it to write a short letter to whom it may concern documenting the device they found. If possible, have their signature notarized.

        Short answer to your question is that she can’t trust anyone but herself. My sister is convinced my ex knew the judge in our case, but I am not so sure. Whether true or not, your daughter must take all necessary steps to protect herself, and then let it go (until another clue of his stalking emerges). Their son is 5…she has a long way to go with her ex. I recommend she never speaks to him alone. No phone calls, only texts or email. Perhaps they could meet in a public place to drop off their son to one another, or better yet, she could take someone with her. She can gain a restraining order if any of his stalking methods are shown true in court, and the drop-off for their child could be court supervised where she never had to see him at all. She may be able to request that service without a restraining order.

    • I just saw your comment. I been living a similar thing so I know your pain. I hope you never once doubt yourself because of what he says to you. How are you now? Has any of it changed. Or is he still the same?
      Hopefully everything will become good for you.

    • I lived like that for 15 years. No more! I hope you get out while you still have living left to do

      • Anonymous says:

        I have been unwell with broken ribs and a chest infection – my husband just turned on me (he’s been drinking) and attacked me – called me a ‘scrubber from the bush’ (a horrible thing to say to an Australian girl)as well as ‘the most disgusting thing he has ever come across’ … ‘biggest mistake ever marrying me’ and much more. I was on the floor trying to ge away scared …. kept manhandling me . Screaming and calling me names and threw his phone at me … it’s broken and now that is my fault…. I am hiding under the bed now …. scared….

    • I wouldn’t piss a women off!

      I’ll tell you what you do… Piss in his ice tea or orange juice or better yet, DIVORCE HIS ABUSIVE ASS! I’ve been married 31 years and I’m done!! Yes, I’m getting out and getting 10 years of spousal maintenance at $1,700 a month FOR 10 YEARS! Pull your big girl panties up and bust a move. You are a lovely lady married to a demon. Please be happy. I would tie him to the bed and hit him with the bristles of a kitchen broom stick. And I would never cook, wash his clothes or give him any further audience. Life is brief. Love, Anet

  2. Thank you,,,,I appreciate all of this information. It has given me confidence that aim not wrong,,that I am worth something! and that I can make positive change in my life. Thank you!!

  3. Anonymous says:

    I’ve never said anything to anyone before but here it goes. I’ve been married for 2 years and have a 1 year old. My husband can not keep a job we are living with his parents. He blames me for always quoting. He says he quits because we have to fix our bad relationship. We have bad relationship be cause of me. He says. My single mother raised me wrong. I’m too young. I can’t have deep thought process. I lack at talking. We are total opposites. It’s my fault I’m bad at communicating. I’ll never learn. I’m selfish. I put in0% into the relationship.

    • You would be me. He said that to me. I cleaned, cooked and prepared clothes and stuffs for him before leaving the house, massage when I made him angry. But to him, it was nothing to him. He want communication which I am bad at. I don’t make him feel heard. Blame me that I neglect him

      • Yes! And it’s only getting started. Wait until your baby becomes “imperfect!” It will be all your fault! I have 2 girls. One is autistic and the other Schitzophrenia. I’m a full-time teacher and he can’t hold a job but apparently, it’s all my fault that our children turned out the way they did. Just yesterday he told me I was a horrible parent. He’s now my ex and I think you need to reconsider healthier options.

  4. Where do I begin? We have been married for thirteen years, two small kids, and both of our ups and downs. We started off in love, but a misscarage soon followed along with antidepressants. The first few years are numb to me. Long story short, he is a compulsive liar about the smallest to the biggest things. I am told its my fault because I over react, so he just doesn’t tell me. I’ve been a stay at home mom now for five years while he is constantly changing jobs, now building his own business. I decided to get a degree and started school. I have to work completely around him , not rely on him, in fear of sabotaging anything. He’s always working and when he’s not, he needs a break to go out. If I want to go without the kids, he makes it miserable for me to leave or when I return. Why bother? He tells me I need a job to help out, but what hours am I to work with him gone all of the time? Doesn’t help with chores, but expects it to be done, doesn’t help with the kids until I am exhausted and can do nothing but sleep, lies about money and bills until I catch on(will not let me be apart of, but its my fault he’s stressed about it), then expects sex. After all that? That’s my last bit of self-respect that I plan on holding onto. Now I have few friends, had to withdraw from classes (didn’t have time for homework and his long hours of arguments going nowhere), and no money. My kids are my life. They deserve better. I Know what I need to do, I just don’t know what’s stopping me? Counciling has never worked, he’s better for a while, then back to the same tricks. I guess I’m just waiting for that one thing (exit sign) that he absolutely cannot blame me for. He has gotten violent and I did kick him out. Why I let him back? It was my fault for distroying something of his while I pleated for him to stop degraiting me in front of the kids. I just real so alone and can’t think straight. Someone to tell me the obvious.

    • You are me! Every last word you wrote could be mine. But this is over a year old and I am wondering if you are still in the same situation? I e said every year for at least 5yr that this will be our last year together but getting out seems impossible

  5. Well my story is similar to all ladies here. I met this guy and we hit it off fine. We have a son and the first sign was when he was 6 weeks old. Pretty much yelled at me to go back to sleep. It was a rough day and I was tired but I was waking up to take care of him.

    Then months later we moved into am apartment and things were good. Slowly he stopped paying rent and started talking about suicide. That scared me cause I never heard him speak of things like that. So I packed up and left in one day and went back to my parents.

    The next day I went to check on him to make sure he didn’t do anything but I played it smart and called the cops to make sure he was fine and so I could get my stuff. Well she. He let the cops in he called me a whore. I of course became a angry cause he never did anything like that. So after they took him to be evaluated I placed a restraining order on him.

    The worse thing I had ever done I thought at that time his sister called me and said things like your guys son always has to be changes when you visit. I am like really diva he is a baby and you can’t really do anything when your driving.

    Well i dropped the order and married him a few weeks after cause he said he was getting help. I should of known better cause he is a pathological liar. Yes we had arguments. Once i moved back in with him things seemed fine but those around me stayed distant with me. One told me that i needed to cook for him and always clean. I did but he wouldn’t eat it i say. Then slowly whatever i said would be twisted or told to him which he would get pissed at me and start up.

    He started bad mouthing me to everyone that lived around us and even with everyone around he called me a dumb @**. Then we where evicted once again after i lost my job and couldn’t find one. We had a friend staying with us and i would up watching our son but her kids while they went out and did god only knows what. And the one time i get to go out and have some time with a friend he calls and accuses me of our son being burned. I come home to find out it wasn’t true with a non apology statement.

    After this place i become Satan in his eyes where everything i did was wrong. I found a job worked to pay bills while he worked. I worked over nights while he worked days. I come home have a mess to clean sleep wake up pick up our son and cook dinner then run on 3 hrs of sleep for a full night. I got to the point there was no sense of cooking when he wouldn’t eat so i made easy stuff or ate out with our son. Stopped cleaning the downstairs cause i didn’t stay in that area to sleep. Also there he told all i was a wh&#$ and that i was always going out partying, and that i never took care our son. He lied to so many about me i was crushed.

    How could i come back from this. The only thing i did was try to save our marriage but it came to a point i didn’t try anymore. He went out and slept with two women and lied to them both. And for sure the first one he used her depression to get her to do it and the other he said that he wasn’t married and didn’t have a kid. When i heard about that i was done i was saving money to leave and pay for divorce. And right before i left i found out he was talking about killing me. What did i do to warrant such anger.

    I called the cops again and they told me what to do but before i could get out there was another argument which i was told to take my son and leave. So i said make him leave. Sadly they said i had to go so when he went to work i ran over and grabbed the stuff i brought into the marriage and my sons and moved out only leaving the big things for me to get later.

    So many days later he texted me late at night wanting a charger that is universal and i thought i didn’t have it so me and my dad bought him one and took it to him. He said it wouldn’t work took tons of sleeping pills with vodka and ran off after giving my dad a note. I figure to this day it was to try and make me stay but he didn’t get i was done with it all there was nothing left to save. So anther 72 hours in lock down.

    I finished getting more things done so i would be ready to move into the new apt with my son. After it became a lot worse he called the cops on me for harassment when i was only down there to speak with him about a dog that was given to us. I left as soon as he lied. Which made the cops call me. And i told them what i was there for and i said i feared that he would throw my stuff out. But i am glad he didn’t. I finally moved everything out and in to the apartment and started new.

    As always bills came first and my kiddo. And i looked for ways to get a divorce but failed. During that time he moved into the Same apartment complex just a building away. And slowly started again. First he lied to our friend saying i pushed our son onto a wall causing him to get stitches. Which there is proof our son told our friend and my mom that he fell and his nana’s house while playing with the dog.

    Then he tried fighting with me in text.then one day i was having a small problem with kiddo and i asked him to come over to speak with him. He got pissy with me and came over. Our son wanted him to read to him so i said go grab a book and he started in my own house. “do you have something to hide? Can’t i read to my son in his room?” I said it my damn house. There is nothing to hide.

    So moving on there was a fire two doors down from me worse day of my life getting off from work and having to sit. He was nice to let me stay at his place while i waited. Also he saw our son for the next three days. Then suddenly he stopped coming by. Four months go by and i am offered a job to which i have to move. So i ask the apartments what the drill was for moving and they told him. Suddenly my parents get a note in the mail saying i am keeping kiddo from him. Please tell did i?

    So i moved and sent mail got a letter from a school stating he wasn’t involved in kiddos academic education. And since then nothing. I do know our friend talks to him but doesn’t say anything about me to him. She does tell me he thinks i am in a different state and that i have no phone and that he wont pay me a dime. I have made it since April of 2013 without his help and i don’t want it. All i want is my divorce. Which i don’t know where he is so papers can be delivered and full custody so my son will always know he will be loved have a roof over his head and food in his mouth clothes on his back.

    All i want is for him to stop the lies about me causing him to lose another job that i am cheating. But i know it wont i figure with being told from Tessa i have mental and verbal abuse and that each day i become stronger knowing i am some what free of this. Can some move on and forget is what i wonder. I hope and pray i can.

    • It will take time … but focus on the goodness and joy in each day, no matter how small. Living in abuse forces you to focus on the horribleness of it because we must be prepared for the horrible things whenever the abuser creates them. Finding ourselves without abuse leaves the residue of looking for the horrible. You have the power to change that habit and begin looking for and experiencing the joys in life.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Whenever I even ask my husband a question for example if he want s me to sign a legal paper and i ask what it is he gets zoo mad and starts yelling at me and bringing up [ast instances where I was wrong or stupid and using them to show me I have no rite to question him. It usually has the desired effect and I just do as I am told then no abuse!

  7. Well, this may be odd but I’m a guy. My wife constantly accuses me of things I’ve not done. Even wakes up with a dream and tells me I did this and that in her dream and takes it out on me like it actually happened. I’ve been labeled a lier and fraud to the point where I’ve actually believed it. Once I wasn’t home and something happened, she accused me even thought I was at work when it happened and guess what? I felt guilty!
    I feel guilty now for everything I’ve done right to things I did in her dream to things I’ve not even thought of doing. What’s worse? I’m a guy so it seems right. I’ve never raised my voice at her not even once. But I guess I had enough one day. I simply dropped her a note and walked away. Abuse comes in different forms.

  8. I’m ready for divorce.

    • Hi my life is a nightmare with my husband talks to me as if I’m nothing drags up my past before we met calls my 24 year old names he’s a binge drinker and gambler then blames me for everthing I’m at my wits end

  9. I am reaching out to get some sort of advice. My husband has always blamed me, either I am a bitch, or too stubborn. Tonight, simply because I was eager to hug him when I came in from work and picking up the kids, he called me a fat cow, said he doesn’t understand why we are married, and that I am just like my mother (who he hates). I walked away, didn’t respond, but secretly want to gather our kids and walk away. I have no family and no where to go.

  10. sabrina Gray says:

    I sent this to him and he says i need help and im full of shit because im just like all women im a lying whore

  11. Hi,
    I met my fiance throught his friend and my best friend (his friend is my my friend’s husband). We fall in love and moved in together after 2 month-dating. Everything was fine and sweet around the first 2-3 months. Sweet became sour. He blamed me that I didn’t make him feel heard. For example, he asked me to keep to chicken (500g just bought from Coles) for him so he would cook it for dinner. I kept his chicken aside and I took another chicken from the fridge that I bought from other day to season because I was afraid it would be rotten. He came out from shower then he saw I was seasoning my chicken. He got upset and said I didn’t listen to him. I explained that the chicken that he bought is kept aside and the chicken that I was seasoning was bought from the other day. He didn’t believe and said that I used the excuse to protect myself and cover my fault. He said he was not angry about the chicken but he was angry becsuse I didn’t see my fault and tried to solve it. He said I didn’t take responsibility for my action. After that, everything I did became “fucking around, waste time and irritated”. He showed me he had learn the way how to cut pineapple quicker. When I did not do his way, it means I did not appreciate and I was fucking around. As he said everything is my fault. I do not know whether or not it is my fault.
    He does love me. I know it. He bought a car for me. It is still his but I am appreciated his action. He proposed and willingly marry me if I have to return to my country.
    However, he abused me physically and said it is my fault for his action. He said he is not that kind of person. I hurt him too much because I do not made him feel heard. He also blamed that he tried to numb his pain with weed.
    I moved out and am living with my aunty now. But I still love him and believe he loves me. I still keep the relationship with him. I asked him to give me 1 year so I can finish my degree then I will move in again.
    He asks me to move in again. He can’t wait until a year later. He feels our relationship tearing apart. But I cant decide.
    He said I am punishing him, make him lonely and depress if I do not act and move in with him. My fault is leave him and make public shame because I told my family that he had hit me several times.
    If I move in with him, I make him happy and feel loved and care. But I am afraid that the situations which happened in the past would happen again. Even though he said if I do not take it as an offense but take responsibility to do better, it would not happen.

    If I do not move in now, I hurt him, unrespect him and he may resent me…

    • Let him resent you. So what? Not everyone is going to like you anyway and it’s impossible to think they could. Fact is that he makes you feel miserable. You don’t need that. If you go back to him, things will be sweet for a day or month, but then it will get worse. And worse. And worse until you have no where to run.

      Stay where you are. Don’t go back to him, ever.

  12. I keep thinking that if I can”fix myself” (as he tells me I need to look deep inside and change who I am) than maybe he will love me again. He keeps telling me that I am a liar. He baits me to say things and then says I am lying..example, he will not want me to go out with my sister so I say, I won’t go if you don’t want me to. Then he says ok, I don’t want you to be a liar so you shouldn’t go. I said, you don’t want me to go? he said, you just said you wouldn’t go so if you go you will be a liar. I said that I said I wouldn’t go if you didn’t want me to… He just hears the part that I said I wouldn’t go. so I said, “you don’t want me to go?” HE said I can’t ask questions. He said, you said you wouldn’t go and if you go you will continue to be a liar. or another example, when we are on the phone he says, shut up, bitch…are you going to talk? I say no. and then he asks me something and i answer and he says you are a liar. you said you wouldn’t talk and you did. Then he says if I lie about those little things, I am lying about all the other stuff, like seeing other guys. I am so confused.. I am not seeing anyone else.
    Then he constantly calls me names, tells me that if I go shopping, I am slutting around and I should be home trying to make myself a better person. He tells me I am a horrible person and I should kill myself, and that everyone would be better off. He used to be so sweet and caring and at times he can be loving. And then if I talk to any guy, he gets mad and says, do you think its appropriate that you strike up a conversation while we are in this part of our relationship (meaning we argue- and we weren’t even arguing for days prior to this)
    He calls me names and says he wouldn’t have to call me those names if I would stop being those things.
    ugh.
    I worry that he will find someone else and treat them better. Maybe I can be better and he will love me more.

    • You don’t need to be “better.” And he doesn’t know how to be “better” – or at least, he refuses to acknowledge that he needs to be. He is abusing you. He’s confusing you on purpose (crazymaking). If he finds someone else, it will LOOK like he treats them better than he’s treating you – for a while. His true colors will eventually come out to her, too. However, if I had my wish, you would be so far over him that you wouldn’t even care anymore.

      This isn’t your fault. It is his. It’s time to find someone who will treat YOU better. You deserve more. He’ll never love you, and that I promise.

    • OMG, I cannot believe this, I live through this very same thing. I am questioned just like this and then he calls me a liar when I answer to his question…after he has switched the question around to make it sound negative. He accuses me of anything under the sun, friends, family members, 16 year old son and anyone. He constantly threatens to leave…we pay half the rent together and it scares me every time it is time to pay rent because almost all the time he says he is leaving after something he has made up. I work so this is really the only place I go without him so he makes this out to be a club, when we have potlucks he calls or if I don’t call at lunch he is yelling and calling me liars and acting as if I went out to a club when I am just at work. He yells if I don’t answer my phone while at work in a meeting, I text him and let him know I am in a meeting and will call him after but he just still accuses me and makes up all sorts of lies. He is draining, I was so fed up one day I finally called the police and had him escorted out after he spit on me and went on one of his bash me months..I gave them a gun he keeps in the house that he is not suppose to have and let the chips fall how they fall. We had been forced to leave with a 60 day notice and I guess I was forced to make a decision because I never made one before. He would stand and spit on me back to back while calling me names, coming home from work hearing him accuse me for hours, calling me whores and hitting me, pulling hair out from root, everything he has did to me I always took it and never called the police because he had a good job but one day…I just coudnt take it anymore and didn’t care. Now I am in my own place but and he is over his brothers but he calls to try to get back together and saying he has no place to go because now he is on probation and also has to do a program that they are denying which means he may eventually have to go to jail for 2 months and lose his job and I feel bad but I also think everything is for a reason because before this happened he was terrible to me and would even pull the gun on me and accuse me of neighbors anyone. He drinks everyday and doesn’t care what he does or says and now, he cannot put his hands on me, he cannot say Im leaving because if he does, It wont matter…I pay all the bills in this place. Even after all of this he still calls me names and accuses me and has left this place twice he just doesn’t get it. All he sees is I called the police but not what lead up to it. I pray I have the strength to not allow this person to suck all the life out of me and stay in misery.

  13. Tiffany says:

    My husband and I have been married for a year and 3 months. It has been the hardest 1 yr and 3 mos of my life. We’ve did the counseling for 3 1/2 months. It worked for a little while, but it seems that my husband is getting WORSE. Meaning the way he talks to me is starting to really drain me, the stares/looks, the accusing and blaming. It all is not a good feeling. I am so tired of being ACCUSED & BLAMED for everything that happens in the house. Mind you I had moved into his home after getting married. He apologized to me during my moving in that he hadn’t did any “TLC” to the home. He had been basically “squatting”. He had not done in structural repairs to the home for the 4 years he had been living there before me. So when I moved in, little by little I began to give the home some TLC, but he was not happy with it at all. We would argue about the cleanliness of the home (he’s a clutter whore and I’m a NEAT freak). Part of our counseling was centered around him learning how to share the house with me and me being considered an equal partner in the decision making of the house. Well fast forward, we need some serious plumbing work done and instead of him investing or talking it out with me to make an action plan. He goes out and buy hats, clothes, shoes, liquor, electronics. It is annoying and a huge turn off. We are 10 yrs apart in age and he thinks he runs everything and knows everything. He calls me stupid, dumb and tells me that I asked too many dumb ass questions for someone that has a master degrees. He likes to hit me underneath the belt. He says some hurtful words and is demeaning. But when I ask him to stop calling me names he says it repeatedly just to make me feel hurt. When he calls me names and I say them right back to him. I just tell myself that I’m not going to let him put me down and not do/say anything back, I will put up a fight right back to let him know that I am not the one to act defenseless, but it is starting to drain me. We were invited to a retirement party last night so I decided not to go since he wasn’t talking to me the whole day yesterday. It just didn’t make any sense to me be to parade with my husband, be on his arm and he doesn’t even “like me” or doesn’t want to be my “friend”. I didn’t want to be FAKE! Of course, he got upset that I didn’t want to go. His car is down so he is at my mercy right now until he gets a new car. So we had a big argument about it. I laughed at some of it because it was so ridiculous but also I’m getting so tired of the disrespect! I know it is going against the grain of discussing marital issues but I was so frustrated and hurt that I shared some of the events with my sister-in-law who is married to his brother. All so she could tell his brother and hopefully he’ll have a conversation with him. But we’ve had events in the past before where his brother talked to him but he doesn’t listen to his brother. His brother has been married for 8 years. This is his younger brother. So my sister-in-law tells me her story of being in an abusive marriage before remarrying again. She also tells me that she’s not telling me to leave my husband, but when is enough going to be enough for me. We don’t have any kids. I don’t feel comfortable trying to because our marriage/relationship is not stable and the home environment isn’t either. It would not be a safe environment to bring a child into the mix. He has never hit me, but has made threats. His behavior is ridiculous and I tell him. He tells me that I’m not his friend and we ignore each other in the house. He picks at me about the most stupidest thing like yesterday. I come in the house to a trashcan turned over. I asked him how come it was turned over, he tells me that he’s tired of me creating garbage. I told him that’s a really ridiculous petty thing to want to argue over. If you want to argue, argue with me because a guy called my phone or a woman i don’t know called your phone, bills, missing money, etc. Not a freaking trashcan/garbage. It is insane! I told him also that well since you don’t want to talk to me and say some hurtful words. You cook for yourself and pay all of the bills. I ain’t helping you with NOTHING. I can show you better than tell you. He’s a “show him” guy because he is not taking my words serious. So I started sleeping in the second bedroom with the door close. I Meal prepped my food for the week for myself also. I also found out that he is on this dating website engaging in conversations with other women. That too is very disrespectful to our marriage and relationship. He acts as if he doesn’t want to be married anymore. He also had expressed to me during our argument yesterday to gladly leave my keys. So I asked him if he was kicking me out, does he wants me to leave because I’ll be gladly leave. I don’t have to deal with the mistreatment. AT ALL. I am more worthy of better. I’m just SAD because i’ve only been married for 1 yr and 3 months and we’re both older in age. I didn’t marry to get a divorce, to be mistreated and disrespected. I didn’t marry to be criticized, accused or blamed. but it seems that is all i have been getting these last couple of months. I made up in my mind last night to call my old apartment complex to see if they have anything available. I feel we need the space. I don’t know how much but I think its for the best of us. Especially knowing what I know and I feel so disrespected. I just can’t anymore.

    The strangest things happened this morning while I was getting ready for church. I always watch the local news while getting ready. This particular episode they were talking about Domestic Violence and different forms of abuse. Then someone at my church got up and told a testimony and coincidently she told the church how she had escaped an abusive relationship and is in a much better place now since attending our church for the past 2 months. I mean it feels like an epiphany! It feels like GOD is sending me subtle messages through random things.

    i’m hurting and I am trying to figure out the best thing for me to do. Could you offer some suggestions, thoughts, opinions, please?

  14. My husband verbally abuses me everyday regardless if I disobey his orders, it’s so disturbing having to put up with him constantly egging me on That I half to shut him out in order to keep my sanity. I have fought and cried myself out trying to deal with this man who’s suppose to be caring and protective of me, instead he torchers me he plays with my emotions and makes me the bad one. So now whenever he pushes my buttons or completely goes off on me I laugh and tell him I love it when he talks to me like that what more could I ask for when that’s all he has to offer disgusting abusive comments. Even though it so bothers me I am learning to use his ugly ways as my shield against him, he don’t change so knowing him for what he truly is let’s me take back control of my own emotions and I am more at piece knowing I do deserve better he is bad for me and things will soon fall in to place because I have faith this is a big life lesson I must learn in order to bring change and a better future I so eagerly look forward to.

  15. My husband drinks alot, and he blames me for everything, from seeing on other man or talking my ex I don’t do either one. I would leave the house and he is just out of control. He drinks all day long..

  16. I’m living this as well, but I’m a man. I’m a very loving and caring person, and treat her with a lot of respect. She on the other hand will verbally attack me at the drop of a hat. She has serious trust issues, and has repeatedly accused me of not caring about her, cheating, lying, calling me cheap (mind you I shower her with gifts, dinners, trips etc etc etc).

    I have two kids from a previous marriage, she has one from a previous. I treat her daughter like she was my own kid. Her ex is a terrible father. But I’ve been accused of giving my kids what they want, i.e. piano lessons, and allowing my son to play basketball (he’s 10). I treat all 3 kids equally because I feel there should be no favorites. In the beginning I actually did more for her daughter to compensate for what her own father wouldn’t do.

    One time she accused me of going to a strtip club when I met up with my buddy I hadn’t seen in 2 years. We went to a concert. I literally texted her pictures of the concert but was accused of not being at the concert at all. First it was… You’re not even with your friend, you’re with another woman, then it went from that to… you weren’t at a concert you were at a strip club, don’t lie to me.

    Hey, I like beautiful women, but I haven’t been to a strip club in 25 years. My lady is a beautiful woman in my eyes, but she thinks I’m out running around. It’s extremely frustrating to constantly have to defend myself from things I haven’t even done.

    Another time, a family member of hers, who I never even met and lives on the other coast, saw a picture of me and told her parents I had contacted her on Facebook and wanted to get together. I was floored when I heard that. That’s crazy.

    I know it’s bad when my two kids, and her own daughter feel bad for me and come to me and say that she doesn’t treat me right. Each time she explodes with anger and accuses me of something, it takes me days of trying to get her to sit down and talk with me. Things are better for a month then it happens again.

    Two days ago I was accused of giving her a used Flonase spray. I could not believe what she was saying. I purchased a 3 pack at costco, gave my daughter one, kept one on the bathroom counter and tossed the third in a drawer. She had some sniffles over the weekend so I said hey there’s an extra flonase in the drawer and I gave it to her. Why it was nearly empty I have no idea. But she concocted some crazy scenario that I had already used it and then gave it to her. She accused me of being too cheap to buy her a new one. I found that laughable considering I just spent 3 grand on a vacation for all of us.

    Another time she exploded in the car because my son is a picky eater and we were all deciding where we should have dinner after a day out in Hollywood. The kids wanted pizza, she wanted Asian (yes she’s asian). She became so irate in the car, screaming about my son being a picky eater that she made my son ball his eyes out. I was so angry. I literally almost left her on the street. I did not want to react to this in front of all three kids, so I simply said, we can discuss this some other time.

    I could go on and on about all the things I’ve been accused of but what’s the point.

    We are not married, but have been engaged for two years, but we have a house together. She doesn’t even talk about planning a wedding but she really enjoys walking around with that $15,000 ring on her finger. Mind you at this point I do not want to marry her if this is what our life is going to be like. She was not like this in the beginning and it’s like she said all the right things to get me. Now after three years I’m wondering what the hell is going on.

    I am at a crossroads and seriously considering ending this relationship. I am sick of all the crap she accuses me of and tired of her anger issues. I love her but life should not be like this. Of course all couples will have disagreements, which is normal with any relationship. But this feels more like emotional abuse.

    Just writing this makes me realize even more how screwed up our relationship is… I have never in my life been treated like this by anyone. Not even my ex-wife.

    • valerie7008 says:

      Dave, I’m so sorry. I read your comment and it broke my heart. I do not understand how and why our significant others (and/or spouses) can treat us this way. I feel like those of us who have commented on this page are walking punching bags. You sound like a very kind man and there’s no rhyme or reason for your lady to treat you the way she does. You sound like a stand up guy and she’s lucky to have you. You clearly love her child and you’ve proved that you love the kid as your own. That’s a HUGE deal. Many step parents have a hard time taking on a child that isn’t theirs and have a hard time when it comes to treating and loving the child as if it were their own. Again, your lady is very lucky. I wish I had the best advice in the world to give to you, but I don’t. I’m feeling stuck in my own marriage right now.

      He accuses me of the strangest things- one thing I CAN’T STAND is to be accused of something I didn’t do. I’m a very laid back person and I seriously never nag and gripe at him. I’ve heard plenty of men talk about how their wives gripe, moan and nag at them constantly and I swore I’d never be like that. And I’ve kept that promise. I cook, clean, take care of our children (ages 8,3 and 2) and I try my best to keep my husband happy. I feel like I’m not good enough. I’m a stay at home mom (he’s the one who wanted me to stay home with our children). I gave up my career to be at home with our munchkins. I don’t have many friends anymore, but I’m very lucky to have my parents, who live 10 minutes away. They know how bad my husband can treat me and they’re always here for me when I need to talk. In that sense, I’m very blessed. My husband refuses to give me money (financial abuse) and I can’t even go grocery shopping. I can’t buy the kids anything. The man makes good money- he says it’s “our” money, but I know he doesn’t mean that. I’m not a shopaholic or anything like that- I bought 1 new outfit in the last 2 years. I need new shoes as mine are getting worn out. I’ve had them for 4 years. I miss having a job where I EARN my own paycheck. I didn’t make much money, but I felt good knowing that I had earned that money. I feel worthless now. I know I’m not worthless but I feel like I am. I bust my butt taking care of the children and taking care of the house, etc. But it kills me when my 8 year old says “mama, do you have enough money to buy me a candy from the gas station? It only costs $1.50.” And I have to tell her, “no, sweetie. I only have 50 cents. If I had the $1.50, I’d surely buy it for you. You’ll have to ask your daddy to buy it.” Then I hear “how come he doesn’t give you any money?” I don’t even know what to tell her, because I surely won’t badmouth her daddy to her.

      A huge part of me wants to just pack up and leave with the kids (he can see them anytime he wants, as I’ll never threaten to withhold our children from him, as that’s just plain wrong), but something is stopping me. I know I can go back home to my mom and dad (which I really don’t want to do- I don’t want to be a burden) until I get on my feet, but I really want this relationship to work. I don’t want to make it work just for the kids- I want it to work for ALL of us.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Help! First I was in a 17 year marriage where my husband verbally and emotional abused me for almost the whole 17 years — I finally divorced him and been with my boyfriend for the last 3 years — I thought he was wonderful, the man of my dreams — He was great — spoiled me, cared for me, supported me, and loved me — Then it began — after a few months the verbal and emotional abuse started to appear — I reached out to an old boyfriend for attention and to seek positive comments about myself — Now he has found that out and the abuse is worse. — I am stupid, everything is my fault, I am a cheater, I’m a whore — I done everything to show him I love him!!! (even though he has been cheating himself the past 3 years on me) I feel like a complete loser now — no self esteem — but what sad is I still love him so much. He says we are broke up but we still live together and live as though we are still a couple — But then he reminds me that he can be with anyone he wants and says he going to video himself having sex with someone and make me watch it because I cheated on him by talking with my ex’s. He is messing around with 3-4 girls whom at 18 yrs younger than him — He is 44 and them 26 — They have drug trafficking records, child endangerment records, and who to say what he may bring home to me. And of course it is my fault why he does all of this — because I am an idiot and stupid. He calls me a spoiled cottled brat, and says no one will ever want me. I cry when he hurts me and says I am a good faker and attention seeker. PLease Help

    • Anonymous says:

      He also has extreme ANGER with me — Always bring up my past and says I am a complete idiot,mental case, whore.

    • Everything the abuser says is how he sees himself in some fashion. Abusers are egocentric to a degree – they only project what they feel about themselves onto their victims. Your abuser thinks you are horrible things because the abuser is a horrible thing.

      Think about it: He is a cheater. He is the whore. He is the idiot acting out in stupid, unhealthy and dangerous ways. He is the spoiled coddled brat because he demands that you allow him to behave exactly how he wants and still ‘love’ him for it. No one really wants HIM as he is (you only want him as you thought he was). And finally, he is a good faker because he got you to believe his initial lies. He is attention-seeking because he wants you to know about all the horrible things he’s done (and prove it on tape).

      He wants to be the center of your world, the only thing you think about. He is the loser.

  18. Both my parents are like that, but i’m more angry with mother because she expects me to be supportive. But out of nowhere if dad accuses or does his ocd blaming thing she’ll turn on me. Like today just out of blue i woke up and ranted on about how i ‘get her in trouble’ Affects my ability to trust, I tend to keep people at arms’ reach coz i cannot trust them to be nurturing and kind. She even has gall to label = u have a good life coz she does housework. Because she wun let me do them, or re does my efforts

  19. I’m kinda in the situation like the anonymous wrote. My husband is the one that verbally abuse me, he accuses me of sleeping around with other people, like I’m a whore or something. But I have never cheated on him , than he calls me names I can’t write down , so I sit in my bathroom and write everything down . I tried to record him but didn’t work, if I leave the house he calls my phone and says tell the bastered he said hi. We have been together for 22 years he says he will stop drinking but than he says no he won’t. Also he says he ready to die because of his liver in bad shape. He never hit me just verbal words, I tell his sister what goes on but no one else also he says sometimes if he had a gun he would shoot himself. Don’t know what to do anymore. I do love him

  20. I can relate to the one with 17 year marriage, I have been for 22 yrs and my husband also says I’m sleeping around, and saying that I talk to my ex husband and I’m not doing none of those . And he also says alot of names. What I do is keep a journal and I keep my keys, phone and my wallet by me or hid it, where I can find them. I also learned not to say nothing back because he gets worse. Today in a long time he said he loves me I couldn’t respond.

  21. Question my husband drinks all day long, does any one else’s husband do that. Than its at a usually a certain time he starts. He calls idiot, stupid, and a couple more. Than he don’t remember any of it , I wish I can talk to someone who is going through what I’m going through.

  22. I hope many are reconciled at this time.

  23. Sad to say but i am very insecure of my partner i don’t trust him i think hes always with someone else while hes at work up the shop its awful , in the past he has always been with me there for me and i just couldnt help myself its suchj an overwhelming feeling of fear abandonment that just tears your soul apart wanting to wreak havoc on anything that stands in your path i wish to God i wasn’t like this , i founnd it so hard to believe that he loved only me i started to become verbally and physically abusive which drew me to hate myself and him ,for his sake i pleaded with him to leave me and i left many times kicked him out many times only to have him begging at my door..we did this for 4 years,in the midst of all this when he drank he became verbally abusive spitting, i became a whore a liar a cheater everything black and blue under the sun everything was my fault and because i was the way i was to me it was my own doing.So i left the country it broke my heart to leave my daughter who has her own partner ,my family the only life i knew and my country but i couldn’t see any other way out i became afraid of myself and his ever growing verbal abuse we were like a tornado and a hurricane creating a war zone in our own home.When it was good it was heaven our love for each other was genuine. 2 1/2 years later i went back to my country for a week still madly in love with him and he with me promises promises of how different our relationship could be,never the less i left my country once again , i still struggle with my jealousy issues and he has become extremely verbally abusive over the phone blaming me once again bringing up my past and crucifying me with it and its only been 2 weeks since i back home with him.And now i feel like my heart has just been torn apart and dissected all over again.Only this time my struggle is with finding a cure, a remedy, healing and finally closure ,as much as i want to be with him as bad as i am i realised that he is not responsible for my issues and i am not to blame or responsible for his verbal abuse.Change accompanied with strength courage and wisdom oh and tons of patience lol i might actually come out conquering and most of all changed healed and restored. For everyone who has shared there story in here thank you ever so much for giving me the courage to confess mine i dont feel so alone anymore.

  24. My husband consistently accuses me of cheating on him. It all started when one of his employees got drunk at our house and told my husband “you better take care of her.” Since that night, I’ve walked on eggshells around him. I used to work with him, and after the drunken statement from his employee, my husband would say “I saw the way he looked at you today.” I have no control over this drunk. What he said or how he supposedly looks at me. I quit working with my husband to avoid these issues. But he goes through all of my accounts and my phone while I’m sleeping. Just like every other woman (I’m sure), i get messages from men who have no respect for a married woman. I never respond to the messages. I will unfriend the man who sends them to me. But if my husband sees the messages, he will take a picture with his phone. He will let anger build up before he finally tells me he saw messages. Then he calls me a cheater and a liar. I stay home all day. I take care of my 3 kids and his 2 kids. I get no appreciation from him, his kids, or their mother. A while back, my husband was texting someone whose name is his phone was “Joey.” I saw one of the texts one day, and it said “Hey – this is Niki!” Niki is a woman that works with husbands’ sister. He lied about the whole ordeal. Said he was sorry and that it was an accident. I let it go. I never go through his phone or any of his accounts. He’s changed the passwords so I can’t anyway. Recently, he was spying again and found a message from a man that I never even opened. He called me a liar and cheater and now wants a divorce. I have felt so isolated from everyone. I stay home to avoid being accused. I can’t go have lunch with my girlfriends. His ex wife’s husband called me a whore on social media and my husband did absolutely NOTHING. He did not even get angry. I cried and he walked right past me and sat down to watch tv. I feel so alone and like I’ve been pushed so far away. So he said he wants a divorce and that I am the one verbally abusing him!! He makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. He makes me feel like maybe it is me. I try to talk to him about how he’s made me feel, and his response was “Run me down some more. You can’t take me any lower. I’m as low as I can go.” Last week when he saw a message that I didn’t reply to, he left and stayed gone for 2 nights. He only came back because it was his weekend to have his kids. He never told me where he was. I’m scared to even ask because it will make him mad. Yet, it’s ok for him to do all this. I’m sick of trying to prove my innocence to him. And I’m sick of not being trusted. I’m sick of being blamed for everything. The way he’s treating me is making me feel like IT IS my fault. And so I feel guilt. I have no job and nowhere to go. I lost many friends when I married him bc of his jealousy. I talked to my mom about all of this and without me knowing, she sent him a text. That was my fault, too. He is now mad that I talked to her about our problems. So on top of everything else, I have no one to talk to about anything and I feel so alone.

    • Hi Leanne,

      Thank you for sharing some of your story.
      I see a few things in what you have written. First off, abusive relationships are about one person wanting power and control over another person. Your husband is achieving that in a few ways. He is accusing you of having affairs in an intimidating way so that you are very mindful of who you talk to. You limit interactions with others, even innocent ones, to try and keep the peace. This ends up isolating you and takes away any support system you could have. This leaves you in a weak position and easier to control.

      Also, a lot of abusers accuse their spouse of having an affair(s). Mine did and I definitely wasn’t but it weakened my reputation in front of his family so that when I spoke of the abuse I was not believed. They believed I was just making it up to cover up my affairs. Your husband appears to be doing that. It’s a way to deflect his actions. He also may be the one having the affair, sorry to say. Often those who accuse, like he is, are actually the ones having the affair, unfortunately.

      I want to give you two links. One is to our mentorship program. We have a group of women, who are Survivors themselves, who Mentor men and women who are either still in an abusive relationship or have just left. This is a free service and it is all done via email. Having a Mentor, someone to talk to who understands, might be helpful to you.

      http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors-mentor-request/

      The other link I want to give you is about creating a Safety Plan. A Safety Plan is created to help you safely prepare to leave, if you decide to do that. If you do create a plan I urge you not to tell your husband as Abuse often escalates when abusers know their victim is gaining strength and they are losing control. When you open this link please scroll to the bottom of the page to download it for free.

      http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-to-stop-abuse/safety-planning/

      Lastly I want you to know Leanne that you do not deserve any of this abuse. Please take care and be safe.

  25. I have been married to my husband for 33 years now. We have three grown boys. All 33 years, my husband has accused me of cheating on him, although I never have cheated on him. I can’t understand why he accuses of cheating when I don’t go anywhere that he isn’t with me. I am at my wits end and I can’t take it anymore. I have even threatened suicide because I’m so tired of living my life like this. The only thing that stops me is my boys and my new grand-daughters. I want to live, but not with him, not like a prisoner, with no rights.

    • Hello A Mac, My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. Let me say that you definitely do not deserve this abuse. Many abusers will accuse their victim of cheating. Often it is because they are the one cheating. They also do it, I believe, to defame your character so that if you ever do leave they look like the victim and their hope then is that no one will believe you when you talk about the abuse. I am so sorry that this has been happening to you. You deserve a life free of abuse. I encourage you to create a Safety Plan so that you can plan a safe escape. Please go to this link to download our Safety Plan, http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ , once you open the link please scroll to the bottom to download it for free. Also you would probably benefit from signing up for our Mentoring Program. We have a wonderful group of women who have all been there and they offer free guidance and support via email for as long as you need. To sign up for this service please go to http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/ Take care Janet

  26. Shonda M Pletan says:

    I’m not sure what my situation is? He screams all the time, I can’t do anything right. My children can’t do anything right and now they hate him and have no respect for him which by the way is also my fault and I believe it is. He can’t hold a job, he abuses alcohol and can’t get throught the day without Marijuana. My teenagers are ashamed of him due to his addictions and he screams at me for that too. Our kids are smart and don’t want to end up like him and don’t want anything to do with him. They are sick of him too. I don’t socialize anymore unless it is with his friends. My life completely sucks and I am not sure what to do anymore. I think he is bi-polar and self medicates but living like this is so stressful and I’m just really tired of dealing with the kids and him.

  27. My problem is a bit unique. My sister (who has no children) has undermined my relationship with my adult daughter. I’m going through abuse disguised as a joke, accusing and blaming blocking, undermining all types of verbal abuse –just disrespectful towards me. My daughter went through an abusive marriage, she’s separated from her husband with the kids. She has her own home and job but she uses all of this abuse to attack me when I try to see my grandchildren. My sister called me admitting she did this.

    I’m hurt because she is my only daughter and she keeps blocking everything I try to do to talk to her and find out why she is doing all of this. I’m really hurt and distraught over all of this.

  28. My husband accuse me of cheating ..we have been togather for 10 years w/5 kids ..

  29. Good advice! I read it in the summer and now I am putting it into action. They feel very small inside!

  30. I’ve been with my husband since we were both 18 years old. We are now 44 years old, with 3 beautiful children. I should have seen that my husband was emotionally abusing me since day 1!!! But I was over my head in love with him. My husband mom is a narcissist and he cut ties with her 3 years ago. It was during that time that I gave my husband an ultimatum, either he changes or I’m leaving. He did change for a few months. It was the best few months of my life and the kids life. My husband always plays the victim, blaming everyone for his problems. No matter what I do, it’s never good enough. When he get angry, he will curse at me telling me to fuck off, calling me a bitch, whore, throwing things around, punching doors and walls, threatening that he will burn down the house, threatening me with divorce. When I try and talk to him, he doesn’t listen at all!!! He does that in front of the children. The children don’t love him, and keep on telling me to divorce him. When my husband is in a good mood, he tells me that he loves me so much and that if something would have happened to me he will die. What makes the situation worse is that our youngest son has autism. My husband also sometimes screams at him. The only thing good about my husband is that he is a good provider, but he doesn’t do anything with the kids. He doesn’t even know where their school is!!! My husband goes to work, comes back and that’s it!!! He doesn’t help with anything in the house!!! He will also at times scream at me in front of my sons’ therapists. His cursing hurts so much and I cry constantly. I get anxiety every morning when my husband wakes up and every time he comes back from work, or every time he calls me on the phone. We all walk on egg shells in the house. I know this is not the way to live. But I’m scared of making the move and just divorcing him. I feel alone. My family lives overseas, and I don’t meet up with my friends anymore. I have no one to talk to. A husband is supposed to be your best friend, someone you can sit down and talk to. But that’s not in my case. What am I supposed to do?

  31. This let me know i wasnt alone we have been together since 2013 i mer him online he told me he was a supervisor in a lab and he had a 6 bedroom house he didnt have children because his son died he didnt drink all lies he was heavy drinker he played it off for a while until he would stay out all night and come in in call me out my name and tell me i brought it on myself one of his friends tried to tell me the truth about him and he promised me he was telling me the truth then i find out he had two children none dead he wasnt in their life he would ma ipulate me so much i would thibk it was my fault that i was ugky and unworthy and i hated my self.after all these years i would leave and he would talk me back but today i had enough it was the last straa im 28 hes 38 and i still gor alot of life left why would i want to be with someone who has embarassed me on mutiple occasion whos thrown my clothes in the street because i wanted to lwave himwho has made me fwel.so bad aboit my self because i finally woke up one day and saw him for who he is and told him what i wanted im ignkrant according to him and cold hearted but he stays out until 2am drinking comes in doesnt call or say anything im wrong because i address it no i asked him to leave today and went to mt moms because he started drinking immediately

  32. Micah Elwing says:

    I’ve been married for a man that is much older than me for almost two years now. At first, he told me that he is not the guy that I don’t want to be with in a relationship, so I believed him. But ever since we live together, when we fight, he always tell me “f**k you” or always using the “f**k” word 🙁 which I can’t believe he would do that because he told me before that he’s not that kind of guy but it was just a lie. And I never yell at him but he always yell at me when we fight and call me “crazy”, “b***h”. Which really always make me cry. No one ever told me like this and ever treated me. And when I get mad at him, instead of apologizing or comforting me, he will get mad at me too 🙁 which was he told me by the way before when we’re dating that he will always give me a hug whenever I’m upset. But it never came true. And I feel like to him, because I’m so much younger than him he always have this “superiority attitude” . He doesn’t like admitting his fault. I always ask myself “does he really want a wife or an assistant? slave?” I flew all the way from the Philippines to Nevada and start a new life with him. I just don’t want him to yell at me those trash words and curse me whenever we fight. It’s just so unfair. I am a good person and I just can’t believe this is happening to me.. 🙁 I need some advice and help…

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