My Verbally Abusive Marriage

My brain hit the ground running this morning. I tried unsuccessfully to feel the warmth of Max beside me, the soft wind from the fan and the cozy-soft microfiber sheets. But my brain wouldn’t have it. It was like while sleeping, it discovered all the answers and couldn’t wait to put me into action.

Unfortunately, those answers got lost in transitioning from sleeping to waking, and I found myself bombarded with noisy kids, messy house, and the other signs that I wasn’t in control of much at all.

I want to have my peaceful home back, the one that I miraculously found in May of 2010 that enabled me to think to myself without interruption. I miss my safe, silent, cocoon. Continue reading

A post I left out of the mix due to the divorce proceedings. This post dates about 6 months into our separation.

June 6, 2010

So the past few weeks with Will have gone pretty smoothly. We’ve had some pretty cool conversations considering what we’re going through and how we’re at odds over SO many aspects of custody and finances. Actually, I don’t know how at odds we are about the finances; we haven’t moved out of the custody phase yet. He refuses to negotiate finances until I agree to his custody demands.

Whatever. Continue reading

In The Dark

“In The Dark” ( A Song For Battered Women) off the hot new Conscious Earth E.P. by Indie Artist J.D. Smith who says, “Please help me raise money and spread the word through this song and my new E.P. benefits an overcrowded women’s shelter called PROJECT SAFE in Athens Georgia.- Peace out”

Now available for MP3 download on iTunes, Amazon.com, Amazon.co.uk , & Napster. Catch it today!

 John Keane (R.E.M., Widespread Panic, B 52′s, Indigo Girls, 10,000 Maniacs etc…) produced J.D. Smith’s Conscious Earth E.P.

I did not write this essay. I found it at http://www.conversationsforabetterworld.com/2009/11/domestic-violence/ in response to a comment I posted in 2009. I admire this woman’s depth of thought, and since we’ve been discussing courts, law, etc. on facebook, I thought it was a relevant idea to share.

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Written by Tonya

Saturday 21st November, 2009, 2:57pm

I left my abusive husband Jan. 8, 2009 after being together for almost 11 years. I endured every kind of abuse there is: psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual, economic and physical. We have 4 children together and they were a major reason for me staying for so long. I tried to keep the family together and I was a stay at home mom. My children and I were immediately placed in a confidential DV shelter where we stayed for 2 months. We then went to stay with my sister for 4 months, my mom for 2 weeks, and we’ve been with a friend living in her basement since August. Continue reading

Demons worry that we will know their names (all the horror movies say so and, actually, my angel says so, too.) Once we name the demon, once we recognize it, it loses its power.

For example, when I admitted to myself that the demon in my marriage was ABUSE (not Will, but ABUSE), the abuse held less power over me. The demon flared up in a fiery attempt to terrify me, yet, after its temper tantrum, I stood strong and continued to call it by name. Will thinks I demonized him, but I think I demonized his behavior.

Will never admitted to Abuse living in our marriage. He still doesn’t. The demon may keep a hold on Will, but it doesn’t confine me.

Once you know the demon’s name, USE it. Continue reading

Holy cow! I just located the places I am online. If you want to find me, I guess you’ve got options.

• Contact Kellie Jo via email
  

  A little snippet from my old life.

• Break Your Silence – Share Your Abuse Testimonial
• FaceBook as Kellie Holly
• Twitter @abuse_journals
• LinkedIn as Kellie Jo Holly
• YouTube
• Google Buzz
• Verbal Abuse in Relationships- Healthy Place Blog

Last year, I tapered off from this blog because I was afraid of what would come of it in court. Nothing came of it in court. This blog was either irrelevant or the battle didn’t get nasty enough for his attorney to use it.

Or maybe there was nothing to be said about it. Will’s name isn’t here, my name isn’t here. I don’t push this blog onto our children. This blog, like it was always intended to be, is mine and mine alone.

The saddish part about it is that I didn’t recognize that fact. I worried that he would somehow take this piece of me away. Under the heaviness of that fear, I did like I so often did during our marriage: I shut up.

Then, miracle of miracles, new people came into my life. I didn’t know how to mention them on this blog. I didn’t care what Will thought, but I worried about what the new others thought. Continue reading

Lately I’ve been thinking about you, the readers of this blog. You readers are my core; without you, I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to continue the leaving process after it begun. Without you, I think I may have resigned myself to more years of abuse – maybe I would have stayed until I died. Your encouragement, support (and in one case, your negativity) helped me to cement the idea in my head that leaving my abuser and staying gone was the right thing to do.

I consider those of you who didn’t contribute in writing but viewed the blog my silent army (I can see “how many” but not “who”). I think you were either suffering or knew someone who was, and I just couldn’t allow myself to let you down. Freedom from abuse was my only choice not only for me, but because I felt responsible to you. During my darkest hours, I thought of you, and my imagining that you were looking to me for guidance, to see what would happen if you left, allowed me to find the courage I needed to go on.

I know you are all “strangers” to me, but you’re the best damn strangers anyone has ever not known, and I thank you for being here for me. I’ve never been so grateful for the prayers and thoughts from strangers as I am today, as I look back.

Thank you. I appreciate you. I hope you’ll continue forward with me.

More to come tonight…

Last year, I wrote a story called Pride and Greed about how those two sins work together to create an abusive relationship. But now that I think about it, the story is not quite right. I mean, the story helped me to understand how Will and I “happened”, but it’s off somehow. The story is off if you think Pride as complete and utter sin.

There are philosophers whose opinions differ with the 7 Deadlies; philosophers whose words did not make it into the Bible. Aristotle wrote,

“Pride, then, seems to be a sort of crown of the virtues; for it makes them greater, and it is not found without them. Therefore it is hard to be truly proud; for it is impossible without nobility and goodness of character.”

The idea that pride has two opposing meanings fits neatly into the idea of pride being at both ends of the expanding/contracting continuum. Pride exists in a positive way when one sets out to do something worthwhile, and in accomplishing that goal, recognizes it. God rewards humans for doing good things; pride is the result of doing good things. Why would we feel pride after doing something good if we weren’t meant to feel pride as a reward? Knowing you did the right thing and feeling good about that is supposed to be its own reward. Continue reading

A few months after I’d left Will, I had worked through the grief stage and moved into such a euphoric state that I thought it would never end. I thought to myself, “So this is what I’ve been missing all these years!” and with a smile and artsy flourish of my wrist, I chucked my last 11 anti-depressants into the trash.

Here it is, almost a year later, and I feel a familiar numbness settling into my joints, radiating outward. I bet you can see it, murky and olive green, if you look hard enough.

Well, in hindsight, I guess I had a good run.

Over the past year, several good things happened for me: Continue reading