My Verbally Abusive Marriage

Une Vie, a new blog, stands on the threshold of liberating its writer and many others who care to follow her story of abuse. The writer contacted me to let me know she identified the issues in her marriage as abusive and is ready to do something about it. I’m so excited for her!

Running From Abuse is another new blog in which our heroine fights for her independence from an abusive relationship. Her story inspires courage against the odds and is well-worth reading.

Please read and comment and share the links to their blogs on your networks.

On January 22, 2012, it will be two years since I left my marriage. I’ve come so far since then; I did the right thing for my children and myself.

I’m having some “issues” today that I was going to discuss in this entry. But before I did that, I went back and took a look at the two entries that changed the meaning of this blog forever.

Today, I am fortunate to write “My Verbally Abusive Marriage…and what I’m doing in it” from a different perspective. The marriage was abusive, but it no longer exists. What I write now concerns how I’m moving past it and the abuse, and I am joyful that I am no longer “in it”.

On January 22, 2010, I left my home two times. The first time was the (what had become) the usual, run of the mill event: I left because I was scared, planning to return home after his temper had cooled or he had passed out. I took a blanket and my purse.  I left again only minutes after typing the last “Smack” in My Heart is Failing.

When I returned home, all hell broke loose. I ended up calling the police, but I had no showing bruises, so the cops would not remove him from the home (worthless!). I left because I truly feared what would happen after they pulled out of the driveway and left me alone with Will. Continue reading

There are agencies designed to help victims of domestic violence when they’re ready to leave the abusive relationship. Those same agencies may counsel victims of domestic abuse who are not yet ready to leave, but need support and information as they try to salvage their relationships. If you have access to those groups, then please use them. They’re free to you and have their fingers on all the resources available to you in your community.

Nevertheless, some victims of domestic violence do not or cannot access those services. And still others discover that although they’re plugged into community resources, they still feel hopeless, helpless, angry and scared.

I’ve been there. In the end, it boiled down to finding my voice (and drowning out his). I learned how to do it, and I can show you how to do it too.

It won’t take long to deliver the information; in fact, you’ve probably seen it on the free literature in your community. Yet actually taking the time to work through the emotionally draining steps can seem like too much when you’re carrying the weight of your and his worlds on your shoulders. I will help you go through the process safely and as serenely as possible.

I understand your trepidation – this process doesn’t have to end with you leaving your marriage or relationship – you decide when or if you leave that important facet of your life behind. I’ll support you either way.

The fee is $60 for two hours of mentoring via phone. If you’re interested, contact me and I’ll guide you.

Contact Me

So…last weekend there was a touching scene between my son and his father on my front porch. There was a hug and Will said ”You look good, son!” Will looked genuinely happy to see Marc, and vise-verse.

Fast forward to today when I, in my brilliance, decide to call Will. I tell him that Marc feels depressed and it is a good time to run over to my house and ask Marc if he’d like to go out and get some sunshine. The scene on the porch encouraged my suggestion.

(La dee da, Kellie hums to herself, I’m doing a good thing for my boy by communicating with my horrible – oops, I mean, Marc’s father, la dee da la dee da!) Hey – don’t knock it. It was a nice fantasy while it lasted. Continue reading

I like how Katheryn Lee-Ryder named her radio series “Roadmap to Freedom”. It’s the perfect name for people stuck in abusive relationships! Sometimes victims stay because there’s no direction on how to free themselves.

Abuse diminishes our ability to see our way free. We victims become reliant on the most unreliable source in the world (our abuser!) for help and how-to-almost anything.

Your abuser isn’t going to give you a map to freedom, but I think Ms. Lee-Ryder will.

If you’re interested in learning more about her program, Click Here!

This past summer’s testimonials came from several brave people who reached out to share their experiences. Doing so was good for them and good for us. Those of us still in abusive relationships can find validation in their experience, to know we’re not alone. Those of us out of abusive relationships can remember why we left and reflect on the chaos we once called our lives compared to the serenity and empowerment we now feel.

My heartfelt wishes of peace are with all of you. Thank you for sharing your stories of abuse.

• Steve - Sad, angry and confused
• Linda - Sadness, frustration, sense of unreality
• Courtney – Sadness, failure, frustration
• Kacy – Depression, guilt, failure
• Marla – Crazy, insane, useless
• Gina – Confusion, despair, hurt
• Alyssa – Anger, numbness, despair
• Ann – Shame, guilt, fear

On March 1, 2010, I wrote a post called I Want to Lie to You. I wanted to protect myself from judgment by not telling the truth.

My life is different now. I know that the choices I make will be judged by others. The difference between now and then is that I am willing to let you think what you want without allowing your judgments to guide my actions.

I know that the decisions I make come from my core, my center. I know that I can’t go wrong when I listen to Spirit (aka God).

I am a work in progress, and I will be a better person because I willingly learn from my decisions that result in successes or mistakes. My mistakes, past and future, do not define me. My successes define me.

I gave the document attached to I Want to Lie to You to my now ex-husband as a final attempt to save our marriage. Weeks after receiving it, he told me, “I will never go to counseling.” His statement told me everything I needed to know. I was free. I’d done everything I could; he wasn’t willing to meet me anywhere near the middle. Continue reading

Writing the post on anger yesterday brought up some bad memories. My ex-husband once terrorized my mind with his wrath. (What will he be like tonight? Is it a good time to ask him now? What do I need to do before I run these errands so he’s not angry when I return?)

Punishment for not reading his mind correctly could be severe. His anger intimidated me. It put me in my place – firmly beneath his heel.. He’d turn beet red, hazel eyes turned to green, brows knitted under his deeply lined forehead, lips alternating between a sneer and a scowl.

Continue reading

Over the past couple of years, I’ve written this blog straight from my heart. When I look back over the posts, especially the ones in the beginning, I see errors in my thinking. In many posts, abuse and its effects clouded my thinking; I doubted myself at my strongest, persevered with bad decisions when I was at my weakest.

Last year I began writing a more structured blog at healthyplace.com. I enjoy my blog there, but it is not like this one. Over there, people get the impression that I am an expert on the topic of verbal abuse. Unless they visit this blog, they do not know that my expertise originates from experience, not education. They do not realize that I am but one story in a sea of many.

The biggest difference between my readers (you) and me is that I put the stuff in my head and heart on the screen. I share with you what I’m thinking although I know that I don’t know everything. Every time I write this blog, I realize that next week or next year I may have to humbly reverse my actions, eat my words. Never once have I regretted writing any post or sharing any feeling. I figure you will see something helpful even when I’m wrong. I hope you sense my best intentions are sometimes flawed. I hope you act on your hunches. 

When I blogged during my marriage and early separation, everything was open for discussion. I laid it out there on the line. But since I’ve broken free of that relationship, I began to withdraw a bit. I thought in the back of my mind that I had little left to offer you. Especially when the judge gave primary custody of my children to him. I thought you would be afraid to leave your abuser knowing that it was possible to legally lose custody of your children.

But shit happens. And shit happens for a reason. Even the really crappy stuff happens for a reason.

On top of dealing with my ex during the incommunicado period, I was participating in a relationship drama that I promised myself I would not revisit. Get ready for some spoilers… Continue reading

My brain hit the ground running this morning. I tried unsuccessfully to feel the warmth of Max beside me, the soft wind from the fan and the cozy-soft microfiber sheets. But my brain wouldn’t have it. It was like while sleeping, it discovered all the answers and couldn’t wait to put me into action.

Unfortunately, those answers got lost in transitioning from sleeping to waking, and I found myself bombarded with noisy kids, messy house, and the other signs that I wasn’t in control of much at all.

I want to have my peaceful home back, the one that I miraculously found in May of 2010 that enabled me to think to myself without interruption. I miss my safe, silent, cocoon. Continue reading