Threatening Behavior And Words

threatening behavior and words are tools of verbal abuseAs you can guess, threatening words and behaviors imply or involve emotional pain, physical pain or both. If your partner threatens to leave if you do or don’t do something, that is a threat and verbal/emotional abuse. Some things you could hear are, “If you go out dressed like that I will play wing-man for my friend” or “If you don’t have dinner on the table by 6 tonight, there will be hell to pay.” Any statement that says or implies “If you…then I’ll” is a threat.

Threatening behaviors include playing with or cleaning weapons while looking at you threateningly, blocking you in a room or corner (using their hands to block you is also considered domestic violence), “puffing up” or getting in your face while in conversation. Analyze anything your abuser does that makes your heart skip a beat (not in a good way, but in a bad way). What kind of threat did you just perceive?

Describing your abuser’s action may sound like nothing when repeating it to a friend, but abusers have certain menacing looks and actions known only to their victims. Just because someone else says “That doesn’t sound so bad!” does not mean you were not threatened.

How My Husband Uses Threatening Behavior and Words

My husband uses threatening behavior to let me know that he is in control and to tell me that I had better just shut up or do as he says OR ELSE he MAY hurt me physically.

Threatening behavior includes implying that he’s going to harm me physically with behavior such as backing me into a corner, getting right up in my face while yelling and red-faced, acting like he’s wringing my neck at a distance, or kicking a chair, punching cabinets, etc. while I am in his presence. He has also threatened my pets to coerce me to do what he wanted.

Many times when he’s in this state, he’ll say, “Is this what you want?! Do you want me to lose control like this?! You must want me pissed off – why else would you do this to me?!” He wants me to think he’s out of control and more threatening – but asking that question of me tells me that he is very much in control of himself. He knows what he’s doing. He’s acting like this ON PURPOSE.

The night I left for good, I was on the phone with the police dispatcher. She’d asked me to stay on the line until the officer arrived. My husband stormed about the house, replacing the dresser he’d pressed into the wall while shoving his way through the bedroom door to get me. He came out of the bedroom and picked up his knife – a sharp jack knife with a 4 inch blade. He glared at me and … opened a piece of nicorette gum.

I was calm, but his action scared me to death. I was giving the dispatcher an accurate account of what was happening as she’d asked. When the officer arrived, I realized he’d been listening in on the call. Will locked us out of the house, but my keys were in my pocket and the officer opened the door with his tazer drawn.

If cops take the presence of a weapon seriously, shouldn’t we?

How to React to Threatening Behavior & Words

how to react to threatening behavior and wordsFirst you have to analyze the threat. Did your partner threaten to kill you while holding a gun? You’d better get the hell out of there. Did they threaten to kill you if you leave them? This is also very serious and could be true! However, if you’re not walking out the door that moment, you don’t have to worry about imminent death.

However, it is very important to take threats like these very seriously. Most people would be heart-sick, depressed, sad, or even anxious if their lover left them. Most people would not go out and kill them, and regardless of how many times you’ve heard it said, most people would never say this to someone they love.

A similar version of that statement is “I will kill myself if you…” Abusive people may kill themselves if you leave, but chances are they will kill you first. I would take this threat as seriously as one upon my own life.

Threats that are not imminent require some thinking and feeling. You need a safety plan just in case your abuser turns homicidal. You also should confide in someone familiar with domestic violence (like a counselor at a local domestic violence center). They’ll help you sort things out.

Some threats are not life-threatening as you well know. If your abuser threatens to leave you, try calmly saying “Stop threatening me. I don’t like it” or just ignore them. Abusers strike at the heart of your fears. If they know you have abandonment issues, they’ll threaten to abandon you. If they know you’re afraid of your father, they’ll act like (they think) your father would. Feeling a wince of fear or sadness after hearing a threat is normal – that’s why threats work. But you have to ask yourself “Why would my partner want me to feel fear or pain when all I want for them is happiness?”

Remember that these statements are to help you feel better and detach from your abuser’s antics. They do not guarantee that your abuser will stop abusing you, nor do they protect you from further abuse. You should fill out a safety plan so you know what you will do if things get out of hand.


Based on the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, ISBN 1558503048, Adams Media, February 2003 and my experiences with verbal abuse.

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Comments

  1. My partner blames me for his own mistakes. If I get angry he threatens me…do that again and I’ll wring your neck. You’re damaging our relationship. I am not supposed to say anything about anything. Trouble is I do because I won’t be cowed by him. I can’t help going back at him because I will not be bullied. Its hard to know what to do when your life is tied up financially and for me in my sixties its so hard to think of starting again. If you are younger then get the hell out because you are worth more.

    • Deborah, you have between 20 and 40 years ahead of you. There is plenty of time for you to live a happy life! You are worth more.

      You, me, and many others feel that we would not be “cowed” by our bullies. We fought back with yelling and sometimes started the crap because we knew he was about to explode and we wanted to get it over. The problem is that we cannot escape this bully. He lives with us. We feel compelled in some way to stay and FIGHT.

      But there is another way to stand up for ourselves without escalating the situation and without feeling like we gave in to the abuser. Check out this page: First Steps For Abuse Victims. For you, I advise you to pay particular attention to numbers 4 & 5. Setting boundaries and setting up a safety plan would be invaluable to you. You could find a degree of peace even if you never leave his horrid ass.

      Trust me on this. Steps 4 and 5 in particular will help you.

      • Kelly, when your in your 50’s or 60’s you try starting over again, especially if you quit work to support your husband’s career and raise your child with special needs. Your stuck, you won’t be hired because you’ve been out of work to long and your too old, you have no health insurance and obviously need some at that age. People who say just start over because you have this or that are totally ignorant to the realities of life at an older age.

      • You know, Sandy, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is running a webinar about just that topic very soon. I know that starting over was difficult for me when I left; I’m 44 now and still feel like I’m starting over. It isn’t easy to find my place after two decades of being a stay-at-home mom. When I hear from women in your age bracket, the only experience I have to go on isn’t “experience.” It’s merely imagining what my mother would go through if she needed to leave her husband.

        I don’t know what I don’t know, and I don’t know the intricacies of being older than I’ve had the privilege to be so far. I don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes. I should talk to my mother, now 65 years old, and see if she can enlighten me and maybe write something to help her generation.

        What I do know is there are barriers to leaving abuse at every age. I believe it was more difficult to leave my marriage at the 30-40 age bracket than it would have been in my early 20’s.

        Would you mind either commenting here or emailing me at verbalabusejournals@gmail.com with some of the specific barriers you face? I would truly love to hear from you. And who knows? Maybe we can work together to find ways around the barriers.

    • Anonymous says:

      Deborah m exactly …well exactly in the same situation. But I m in my 30thies .so I will folow follow the suggestion given above. Its better to live peacefully then die a sudden death in d hands of an ill person.

      • My husband smoke crack drinks every other day and when he does he says hateful things he threaten to me and my 3 kids that r not his. I have 5 kids 2 of them are his. My 17 year old jump on him because my husband trying to fight me.I’m 36 he is 46. I really want out of this marriage

    • I’m not sure what to do. My husband says hateful things when we r in an argument. He always threatens to punch me in the f- ing face if I don’t shit up. He’s never hit me. But has pushed me 3 different times. It’s more verbal than anything. I hate being cursed at and I’ve asked numerous times for him to stop. His dad was abusive to him and his mother and he recognizes he gets that way but he says he doesn’t want to be like that. Often he shows true remorse for acting that way. I’ve seen some progress and we talk about it but it continues to happen. It’s starting to make me angry and imbarrassed. It’s like I’m married to two different people. He knows I’ll leave if he ever hits me which is why I think he hasn’t done so. I’m just getting very frustrated with the whole situation. He’s going to counseling and I feel talking about it helps but I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who talls to me like that. We don’t have children yet and I worry what it will be like if we do. Should I continue to try and work through this with him or just leave?

      • Leave him. There’s are many better men. Just leave him. Don’t waste your life.

      • Just leave, i have been beaten by my husband many times, i have wanted to call the police and i haven’t called, i dont know why. Now i decided to getting divorced because he was cheating in me, just because of that…its so stupid the all situation. And i dont have money to move out right away..i have to wait for my check, and he keeps threatening me to kill me, he keeps threatening me to break my face. Now i try to be quite, not answering anything and just waiting and praying to leave soon. Just leave. You and i deserve a better life.

      • I think u should leave before u have any children if you do get pregnant its going to get worse he is going to feel more power over you . also u have to consider do u want this type of life for your children because he is not going to stop because you have children . get out now that you Dont have children. You Dont deserve someone humiliating you by saying he’s gone punch you in the mouth if u Dont stop doing what ever you are doing . you have to love your self and do not stay with this person .

      • I have kids and my verbally abusive husband calls me names and makes me feel like an awful person in front of our kids. He said tonight to our 3yo in the car: your mom is going to swerve into this semi and kill us all, and he tried gently touching the wheel toward it. I was calm but inside having a panic attack. He was drunk. He’s not so bad most of the time but when he is angry I just want to die sometimes. But have to be very strong for the kids. Please get out while you can.

      • Please leave before you have children- they can become another tool of abuse and manipulation by him. My former husband went to counseling and the psychiatrist, but the threats and behavior got more sinister. Be honest with yourself if you don’t believe he is changing. Also, slapping my leg, punching my arm, pushing me with his body- he just acted like he didn’t know it hurt me. And more and more it was “my fault”- what I said or didn’t say, the look on my face, etc. It ended with him throwing my stuff out, changing the locks, and making a bunch of threats because I told him I wasn’t going to live like that anymore. It will hurt to leave- it will hurt a lot- but you will get better I promise.

      • Please leave him before it gets worse! It will get worse. Believe me

      • If he was going to change with you, he would have never said those things. You can’t just say those things to someone you love and have no intention to hurt them.

      • Our story is almost the same. Difference is we have 2 little kids — almost 6 and 3 years olds. If I were you, leave now while you have no kid(s) yet. It’s harder when you have. You wanna leave, but you think of the kids, too, at the same time. Especially if they love him, despite of what they see and hear. If I don’t have kids, I would’ve left a long time ago, wouldn’t mind being homeless or whatever, as long as happy, peaceful, and not being abused. You still can get up and move forward without worrying about other people, but yourself. If no progress happening while counseling or after, no reason to stay still. Love would die if you are always hurt.

    • kimberly says:

      i couldnt agree more im i that kind of situation nd it kills me to stay but everything i have is invested in us not just me i dont stand for being verbacally abused at all let alone in front of his family we as woman dont deserve to be treated such ways but to involve the law (especially wen kids are involved) it make it even more harder to break away because they use the kids being with you while this is going on but u stay thinking its safer for everyone one involved smh i hope your situation gets better nd if not i hope you find the courage to leave before its too late

    • My mother threatened to poison us as kids, would let my little sister’s budgie out of the cage and threaten to open the door and let it fly away, causing the child to become hysterical. Mother would smash dishes, feed my dinner to the dog, threaten to buy a gun and kill dad. Worse she would try to drag us into talk about sex, specifically, ‘masturbation’. Mercifully, we were so young that the word kinda rolled over our heads, even when she explained exactly what it meant and bought my 7 year old brother a book all about it! As an adult, I am absolutely horrified. She is dead now. But I wonder how she could have insisted she was a good mother despite her intent to destroy.

    • Anonymous says:

      Well my brother has killed before and got away with it and he’s vertebral threatened me and said he would kill my dogs. What do I need to do

      • Take his threats to you to the police and get a restraining order if the judge will approve it. There’s no way to know if he will act on his threats, so you should plan for your and your dogs’ safety as if he would.

      • my husband has hit me chocked me I’ve had restraining orders on him and dropped them because I was scared I couldn’t pay the bills without him and I wanted to save the marriage several times lately hes threatened to kill me Last night he threatened to kill me two times and to beat me again I recorded it on my phone He also has said he wants to die Several times lately

      • Be careful Deana. Abusers with a death wish may take their victims out first. You need to be safe.

    • Anonymous says:

      I hope all is well with you ur story made me want to reach out and make sure your ok

    • So sorry to hear that! You deserve better

  2. My problem is that I am so stressed and emotional I always give some sort of response that fuels the fire be it tears or yelling back or even defending myself verbally. Even if I can remain silent my body language is obvious.

  3. My husband always threatens to leave me. I used to beg but now I do not care.

  4. Anonymous says:

    My husband threatens to kill me if I ever cheated, or left him, or took the kids away from him. I have never acted as a cheater, never hinted I would leave, and if we ever separated I wouldn’t keep the kids from him We have been together 15 years. Why does he say that? It makes me want to leave.

    • Anonymous says:

      I think your husband needs to control you, he is probably so afraid to be alone that he is in conflict with himself . push you away on one hand and on the other he cant function in life without you.He may even have some unresolved childhood issues or some kind of mental illness issues.

    • Anonymous says:

      I think he is cheating on u

  5. My finance has just told me he will stab me in the neck … All because I forgot to put the sausages in the oven. We have 2 young children together and due to get married next year. I really don’t know what to do.

    • Amores de corazón says:

      Work in silence save your money and move quietly to another state shelter start a new life trust me he would learn the hard way to respect all women’s thanks to you

    • Don’t marry him.

    • Call off the wedding.

    • First take your children out of there. If you have to defend yourself do it alone.

    • This reply is to Lea . I’m so sorry you heard those scary words from your fiance , it could be that those are just evil words or that one day they could become true , but what I do know is that those are not loving words and you should not be with someone like this. Think about it what would you say to your child if when they grew up , their partner would do what he’s doing to you , what ever
      You would want for your children and would advice them to you , its what I advice to you , I hope the best for you and your beautiful children .

  6. Anonymous says:

    Wel im sad to say iv read many women with same problem im presenting to my partener,im jus in the middle of unstnding wat my abusive txts words an threatening manners hav been affecting her,i feel shame as i know im capable of standing my ground against other men an making them fear me,iv been in denial even a coward to think it was her fault an it was her thats abusing me by making me look foolish or sparking my anger in ways only myself can think of,im a good person in heart an i know she thinks the same of me but even tho iv not hit her in anyway im slowly getting these traits i have been reading so is it a matter of time? Shud i walk away now? Or do i reconigse my ways an address them immeditaly,iv choosen help i hav talked with my partener an i kno she will support that desicion,im going to get this sorted an i pray in my mind im not to late already to save our relationship,id never believe that i wud be the very thing i have detested an looked down upon in other ppls relationships,it seems crazy now i hav clarity of my actions but its so easy to forget my ways an make excuses or hide how i can be the abuser,can someone forward me the best ways to get counselling or wat actions i need to take,im lucky my beautiful lady has been able to wake me in the mist of my demons iv never been humbled an its time i rid them an return the man she fell in love with

  7. Christine says:

    I had locked myself in a bathroom to cry over an argument, when my husband asked me through the door “are you afraid I’ll shoot you?” The question came completely out of nowhere and subsequently made me feel afraid and threatened. When it comes up now, he claims he never threatened me, he just asked me a question. To me, I felt threatened, therefore it was a threat. Here’s my question, is a “threat” in the form of a question, legally a threat?

  8. Today, I went to my friends house, whom my husband don’t like them. He threaten me that he won’t accept me back in our home and I should stay with my friends or else he will going to call a police or a lawyer. He said he will make my friends life miserable. He said that he won’t make love to me anymore. God knows I’m not doing anything wrong. Our baby was with me when I was with my friends.

  9. I’ve been with my husband for close to three years now. I have two children from a previous marriage. Anyhow, my husband has always been somewhat abusive a little physical when he was drunk., and mental/emotional when sober! He quit drinking almost a year ago and the physical stuff stopped..last week we was fighting and I said something along the lines of maybe you should find someone else.. I’m a split second I had a loaded gun pressed tightly to my face. He threatened me, my kids, and my family! Said if I left and told the cops he would only be locked up for a little while! Scared to death and wanting to leave .. I continued to come home.. Tonight he was mad because the kids were watching tv kinda late and it was a little loud because the volume button not working! This lead to problems.. He didn’t grab the gun but he leaned over me and said “yA wanna do this again!?” Which made me feel as if he might as well had the gun again! He then said again the same things.. Then he asked me.. Saying that I had one chance to tell him to leave and he would walk out of my life forever. At this point I was so scared.. And I really wanted him to go so I told him that. I wanted him to! He then popped up grabbed the gun held it to his own head.. (My kids asleep on the couch near by) he said that was a trick question.. He then took a bunch of medicine acted like he was gonna kill himself for a little while but eventually he fell asleep! I’m 32 years old.. My kids are 11 and 9! I love this man but I don’t want to stay with him anymore.. It’s not right to be scared into staying.. I fear that Soon he will be doing this all the time because he gets away with it, but I’m scared of him.

    • Amores de corazón says:

      Once you have kids you have to Love them first what is the best for them and you because they need you as for the Monster the Man that you love when he suburb he is nice and crazy n mental when he is drinking not daré for the kids they cant think right when they go to school or whent they aré home cus the Mom needs to be brave is time to work in silence gris a bond with the kids let them know that you are not a coward that you love them and you going to make their life better even if you have to start from the bottom and get away save your money and move away from him the kids eould always love you for that because you show them to stand up from abuse the and that you love them n protect them you dont need him a man if he ain’t normal in all type of ways my mom left my dad from Bronx to phila n we always work like a team we appreciate her for saving our lives from all the screaming and cursing naw we love church peace and beautiful calm parties living it up you could doit wish you the best on your master plan

  10. Everything I have just read descibes things I deal with on a weekly base. Most of the time 4 times out of 7. I start to blame myself because nothing is ever going to change. And I am srill here. Mainly not to to disrupt my daughter’s life till she graduates. She wants us to leave . I am afraid to. If what he might do.

  11. Amores de corazón says:

    Give respect to get respect keep ur relationship positive date n don’t give in to easy love yourself so you can love others never go with someone because you are desperate for that you go to a shelter or church and get yourself together first love yourself first

  12. my POS threatens to live me and my handicap daughter when her horse dies, leaving me with large house and bills I wish he would die, he says he wishes he could I offered to bring home medicine to make him die he will not use it coward

  13. Anonymous says:

    I have been through this for years. Abuse, name calling, threatening. You just have to put your foot down. Let them know that u will not put up with the abuse. My bf of 10 yrs still abuses me emotionally but will not touch me physically because he knows I will call the cops. Also my dad lives next door which is a big reason why he won’t hit me. Even after 10 years he still abuses me emotionally though. It is sad cuz all we want is love and all they want is control. It’s not love. And honestly I don’t know why I stay

    • At least download the safety plan here:http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ (Free if you scroll to the bottom of the page) You stay because of the brainwashing and control. He doesn’t hit you because he doesn’t want it to be public knowledge, but my guess is he does everything else to a great extent. Physical violence does not have to be present for you to be in danger of losing yourself.

      There is a better life.

      Did putting your foot down really stop the pain?

  14. My partner is threstening to kill me because I dont want sex with him – we never go out, he wanrs me to pay all the bills and buy all the food as he pays the rent, he has never bought me a birthday card or any card – but expects sex when he wants but no love – Iam afraid to leave as I think he will kill me. We have 4 children and been together 28 years, I did want to get married but he didnt – he has had 1 affair I know of – but blamed me due to no sex

    • hi Kerry, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. If you’re afraid of leaving you’re best going through the police then to charge him with domestic violence . How old are your children ? It’s not a safe environment for them either. You deserve to be happy and have a clear mind and feel safe. You could say his behaviour was rape. Which is very confronting. Please speak to someone even your doctor . Seek help . My prayers are with you

    • kimberly says:

      that ise nd my spouses problem ive had three surgeries hospitalized 8 times in the past year ue to a health issue so sex is far fromy mind but my spouse automatically thinks im cheating theres someone else nd occassionally it turns physical because of that

  15. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We have had so many arguments. He smokes weed and where I live it is illegal and that worries me constantly. He gets really angry if he doesn’t have a clean top or there is nothing to eat or where his shoes are . He says things like ‘do you want me to turn this house upside down ? Or what do I have to smash to get you to listen to me?’ A few years back he punched me and nearly broke my arm . I forgave him and we moved on. His abuse through words has me on edge constantly. I believe it’s from the weed . I’m so hurt and confused . I’m only 22

    • Emily, It isn’t from the weed or any other substance. He is abusive and will stay that way. Any personality-altering substance (like alcohol) allows us to be only MORE of who we are. It lowers inhibitions and allows people’s true personalities out. Weed let’s more of your BFs abuse come out.

      The memory of him punching you keeps the fear of physical violence in your mind (my husband did the same a few months into our marriage, then not again for YEARS). They do, eventually, physically assault you again.

      Confusion is a natural part of the abusive cycle. Brainwashing and crazymaking are real techniques that keep victims stuck. Call the NDVH and get some resources close to home.

  16. I had a child 2 years ago to my boyfriend after dating for a very short time- while pregnant I soon realised he was very immature, wanted sex constantly and called me really horrible names . The problems grew worse last year His gambling became a problem, his drinking got to me more.. His lack of responsibilty is a huge issue. So after he went joyriding in my car on newyears while drinking and trashed it, I broke up with him. He lives just down the street from me and will turn up all the time, has taken my phone and tells me I need to cut off my internet as only sluts have internet. He threatens to kill himself and our baby, screams abuse at my autistic son anytime he is around him, hits walls and furniture, threatens to shoot me, break my neck and throw my body down a mineshaft, he calls up to 60 times a day, messages continuously and because I blocked him on facebook he is incensed and continually flys into a rage over “50 blokes ” I supposedly am propositioning on facebook, has hacked into my account and blocked a number of males on my friends list, threatened to give my son(6 years old) a black eye. I have 3 dogs and 3 cats. He has threatened to bait the dogs and kill the cats, He has smashed my new cars windscreen and I feel like if I get anywhere, like improve my car, he will break it so I cant get away. I want to move away, A friend has offered me a place to go and its 800km away. I have no money and I know Ill have to give up most of my pets. I feel very trapped by location and finances. I feel if I go to the police he will get out and come after me. Is there an end? I cant see it I feel so depressed by everything . He keeps barging in and taking our daughter to his home. I cant physically stop him but it scares me.

  17. My husband has blocked me from leaving a room, got on top of me to yell at me, grabbed me and squeezed me out of anger and threatened go “slap the s*** out of me” but says to me it’s not abuse and if I Wanna see abuse he will show me

  18. My Husband’s actions keep elevating against me getting worse each time…… This time he threatened to stab me with a fork in my chest, and while yelling and cussing at me….. What do I do bein married over 20yrs…yeah he had triple bypass last year which makes him depressed can’t work anymore either…. Please help I’m scared….

    • Lorrie, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. YOu can also apply for a mentor from this site at http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/

      Also, talk to your family doctor (and his if possible). Let them know what’s going on with your husband. Your doctor can help you. His doctor may be able to pinpoint a medical cause for his behavior IF your husband will back up what you say. I’ve never heard of heart meds causing a change in personality, but it never hurts to check. Antidepressants, however CAN cause a person to feel homicidal or suicidal. I’m not sure how long those effects last.

  19. I feel ashamed that I can’t tell anyone as I’m to embarrassed of the threatening behaviour of my husband of 4 months, lots of mental abuse , and grabbing me when he is in a rage, he as threatened to throw me out the window several times and on 1 occasion he tried strangling me, he threatened to beat me to a pulp yesterday as I spoke to him the wrong way. He as a gambling problem and owes about 40.000 I did not know the extent of his problem. And asked him to get help he refused. He also gets jealous of my old e r children when they visit,

    • Women who are strangled (but not killed) by their partner are much more likely to die at his hand in the future. He has crossed over the line of “threatening behavior” – he has shown it to you. The threats to your life are punishable by law. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and make plans to leave. This is NOT going to get any better. If you don’t go soon, he’s going to damage YOUR financial situation, too.

      This is no time to be embarrassed: it is time to tell everyone what is happening and get out of that marriage. You have done nothing wrong. He should be ashamed, not you.

      Here’s a link to a safety plan: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ (Free at the bottom of the page)
      And please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline or chat with a representative on their site at http://thehotline.org

  20. loveless says:

    My husband married me under false pretences .. I wish I had seen it before but i was too blinded by my feelings to see that he was using me. Him and his ex couldn’t go through a fill term pregnancy. He wasn’t dating her at the time from what I knew and he and I were nest friends. Eventually he asked me if I’d saragate him a child because he will never have a family. Naturally I Boughy his bs and wanted his happiness and told him I’d talk to my boyfriend about it. My boyfriend gave a flat no so he ran him out of town by hanging around all the time. Once again too oblivious to see the red flag here. He kept pressing the baby issue until one day after getting closer to him he suggested we get married because we were so close and that he loved me… I loved him with all my heart.. I just didn’t realise it until about this time. Anyway things were good until he got me pregnant… Then he slowly started showing me how much be really cared about me. He started hating on my animals and then my first born. And then he was never around… Unless it was late for sleeping… Then the slight threats started slipping out if I were to take the baby, he would put me down. And he would show me how intimidating it is to look down a barrel of a gun to remind me his authority. I was too passive to say anything. Then right before our baby was due his ex started asking about him and showed up at our house. He seemed angry I wouldn’t stop talking about it cuz I found it sketchy… Then after our baby was born he was so negligent towards me, never around. Hated on everything that had to do with me except for the baby. Buy he would remind me the baby wasn’t mine she was his. The threats became more and more of an occurrence. Them he started sharing to Mr how he would put me down after getting life insurance on me. I talked to a law office and they told me to get out asap. So I did… I have no ending yet. The war has just begun. But km led to believe he only married me to have a child and give her to his ex and her kids. He doesn’t act like her loves me at all.

  21. My husband threatens me that there will be diasaster if I don’t obey to what he does. He controls me in what I do, say(tells me shut up if I’m asking questions or saying my opinion) and controls what clothes to wear, what colour lipstick I must wear..etc.

    I’m married for 4 years, and in those 4 years my husband has/is physically(he hit me hard on the back of my head several times, hit me with a hard cover book on my back..etc), emotionally, verbally, and mentally, and sexually abusive(he has raped me) towards me.

    Please help!

  22. Confused says:

    I’ve been married 34 yrs & my husband is disabled, he has threaten to kill me first if he knows he’s gonna die,& then he laughs abouut it like its a joke? Scares me,when I say something to him he says I was just joking. He is always threatening to shoot my dog, I told him if he does I will put him in jail. He trys to play it off ‘but I know he is serious, he has cheated on me in the pass & has yet to be truthful about it. I’m just a my wits end. I am not the type to back down from a bully! I stand my ground ! just irriated

  23. Not a punching bag says:

    I have been married to my husband for 3 years, together for 6. After I moved in with my parents he moved into their house in another state and when he got me pregnant (my parents did not agree with our relationship getting that serious) he coerced me to get married and move back to the state he is from. I had very bad PPD and it was made worse by being isolated by him and so far away from my family I was once close with. I was the one working full time until I was too pregnant and I even worked part time up until the day I went into labor. I don’t work now under an agreement I will be a fulltime caretaker to our daughter because he is not in the house 5 days a week because of his job. He now has his first full time job at 32 and is constantly holding that over my head. He tells me I’m lazy, useless, that I have no friends or anyone that cares about me. He leaves us alone at the house all week with no food money or emergency money. His excuse for everything he does is that “he works so hard he pays all the bills he can do whatever he wants and doesn’t care what I think” Now he says he got me pregnant on purpose and that if I leave him he will kill me. He laughs and acts like he was kidding but he has said it numerous times. He threatens to plant illegal substances on my property and call the police on me so I will go to jail. He gets so enraged that he tells me he doesn’t care if he gets our daughter taken away. He is a monster when he is under the influence. He takes our daughter out of the house in his car when he is mad and unstable and it really scares me but I know I can’t stop him. Tonight while he was at work he got mad at me and told me “when he comes home he will beat the shit out of me and I will never see my child again” I love my baby so much and he is a good father to her believe it or not but he has threatened to hit me in front of her (never has yet) and that I will never see her again. She loves him so much even though he yells at her too (but not to the same extent as me he she is only 3) I know that he is at least partially delusional because they don’t just let one parent take a kid from the other. I am so tired of the screaming and abuse but I stay because I know he won’t let me take our daughter. He has scared me so bad from screaming at me that I threw up on myself and he just laughed at me. He is the definition of a bully. I am not a perfect person and he used to make me SO mad but now for the most part I just sit there and take it. I’m sure he has some serious underlying mental issues or disorders and he cannot control his anger. I would like to go to a therapist but I am sure that he wont let me for fear of what I will say about him. He also controls the finances. I always told myself that I would never let someone treat me this way.

  24. My boyfriend gets on my face. He acted like he was haooy and he hugged me tight where i couldnt really breath. Then one day on my porch he pushed me and i almost fell down. He was on my face and he yelled that one day he was gonna kill me. Luckily he had a friend who stopped him from beating me up.

  25. Stephanie says:

    Im 20 years old and my boyfriend is 21 and he has hit me before, we have a 2 year old daughter and shes seen him do it. I never reported it to the police or anything. I dont know what to do when there’s a child involved I need guidence, im scared and my family and friends dont know about this. He threatens me occasionally when hes mad at me. I want to leave but like I said what about our daughter? What should I do??

    • Your daughter will be better off in the long run if she does not live with someone who abuses her mother. The boyfriend who abuses you will become a boyfriend that abuses her – she will date what she knows. Do you want to see your daughter abused like you are? No.

      Talk to your family and friends. Tell them what’s going on. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline – http://thehotline.org – to get information about local help.

      The violence will only get worse. I promise you. And one day, he will hit his daughter like he hits you. Call her names like he calls you. It’s time to go. Here’s a safety plan to download and USE: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ (scroll to the bottom of the article and download it for free).

  26. My children’s father, has pushed, slapped, kicked, threatened to snap my leg and punched me. He has also said he would plant illegal things in my home t and call ACS so the kids can be taken from me. I’ve recently had stitches removed from my lip due to a series of punches and he said to me ” if you call the cops, when I get out I’m going to slit your throat. I was pregnant for most if not all of these incidents. With either my one year old or now. I’ve tried to fight back but there is but so much I can do. Im so scared of losing my kids and he uses that to manipulate me. The cops did get involved and I still covered for him because I’m scared of what will happen later. I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped and alone.

    • If your name is on the mortgage/lease, you can file a restraining order and have him removed from the home. Due to his history, you might be able to do it if it’s in only his name. But if that’s the case, have a plan on where to go soon after he’s out. (He could stop paying the bills.)

      Call CPS anonymously – anonymously – and ask them if the children can be taken away because you’re living with an abuser. If the answer is yes, it becomes even more important to get him out (or get yourself out) first.

      If no friends or family will take you in, find a way to get to a local housing shelter for victims of domestic violence. Call the NDVH for those resources (http://thehotline.org).

      The chances that a documented physical abuser will “take the kids” is unlikely. He may receive visitation. Courts are stupid. Talk to an attorney – start with a free consultation.

      The alternatives to living with that asshole may seem grim. I don’t know your situation, so I don’t know who is around to help. Always remember that bus tickets are cheap. If family or friends are far away, they may help get you and your kids tickets if you need that help.

      http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ … If you scroll to the bottom of the article, you can download a safety plan for free. Print it out and get to work filling it in. Please.

      You FEEL trapped and alone, but you are not. That thinking is a direct result of living in abuse. If you can get out and talk to domestic violence agencies, you will find I am telling you the truth. Your situation is dire (and deadly). I encourage you to get the hell away from him as soon as possible.

      We have mentors: http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/ Get one.

      Big hugs to you and your children. Be brave.

  27. Advice Needed says:

    My wife on June 15, 2015 threatened to kill herself and take our daughter with her; saying our daughter would not be better off with me. She blames people, including me, for her problems, never herself or just circumstance. My daughter is 13 yrs old and I am in my early 40s. This is mainly the opposite, a women threatening a man, but this is my life. Later, she said it was because she doesn’t/did not sleep well. This is not the first time she has made a threat but the first time she threatened to kill our daughter. I think it was due to lack of sleep, but still, what to due?
    Someone please advice me??

    • Did you see the email I sent you? Don’t give her a pass for “lack of sleep” – I’ve lacked sleep many times and never once thought to threaten my child’s life. And I’ll bet you haven’t either.

      Start documenting her threats against you and your daughter with police reports. In NC, where I lived during the “report” phase of my marriage, I could go to the police department and make a report without my husband knowing a thing about it. You do not have to press charges on a report. The reports usually have a time limit to when you can press charges based on them (in NC, a report was valid for one year). Call your police or sheriff’s department and find out how they handle police reports.

      If you want to call them to your house to make a report, by all means, do so. However, you are a man. In many states, reports of domestic violence still cause the male to be arrested, in some states, both are arrested. Less often is a female arrested, but it does happen. Do some sleuthing. Find out what happens when you bring officers to the house.

      Remember that you are not alone. Unfortunately, many abused men do not seek help, so forming connections with them is difficult. I forgot this link in my email to you: http://verbalabuseofmen.com/ It’s a new site, but offers a way to connect with other men.

  28. B . Elizabeth says:

    My domestic partner has twice in the past threaten to kill me in anger , he has a high temper things have to be his way and don’t disagree with him …he has lived in my home for 20 years I have told him several times he needs to leave but he won’t leave…he has lied and cheated on me so many times and when caught he always says I haven’t done anything and that I have to give him 30 day to get out then he starts acting like he cares for about a week then slips back to his old ways …. he never touches me in a caring way and no sex claims he can’t do anything .well I found a bottle of Viagra in his truck that he never allows me to have access to ( he went out of town with a friend and left keys behind ) women’s phone #’s found also . I feel like he is using me for a place to stay I feel like his mother instead a partner . It’s not that he can’t afford to leave he doesn’t want to have his friends find out and he has the funds ( but I pay all the bills )…He sits around and acts like I should wait on him , and about a week ago I asked him to help me with something and he flew hot and this time he was so angry he said ” I’ve been thinking about shooting you then kill myself. ” ( believe me he loves himself ) I don’t think he has any feeling towards anyone he is very cold and shuts people out if they don’t do like he want’s . Now I’m getting scared of him and feel like I need to go to the police but on the other hand I hate to cause conflict like he said he would kill me then himself and that would be his only reason for harming himself would be if the area found him out for his true self and I put him out ….I’m at a place where I just don’t know what to do .

    • If he is in your home, you can have the police remove him. It would be a good idea to get a restraining order, too. (I know people say they don’t work, but 70% of the time, they DO work.)

      Sometimes men do kill their partner – that is no secret. I understand your fear. On the other hand, abusers often threaten us with things they would never do. You know your situation best.

      Bring some friends and/or work colleagues in on the secret. Ask if they could come help you change the locks and safety check the house. Try to fix any vulnerabilities to your home. If you can’t fix it, have a plan for what to do if he uses it. The safer you feel behind your doors, the easier this will be.

      • Is it abusive if someone tells you threaten to leave you because of perceived issues? Like my bf thinks my brother hates him and tells me that he is pulling us apart because of this. I’ve talked to my brother who says he doesn’t hate him. He says that the guy is an alpha male and just wants to dominate my home. He also says that he’s never done anything to my bf physically for him to use the excuse that the reason he is not coming around as often is because he doesn’t want a confrontation. My brother is very sensible and is willing to talk about any issues they may have but my bf doesn’t want to although he really believes that my brother is getting in the way of our relationship. My brother asked him why was he trying to be an outhouse negro and he got mad. This was before we started dating. He also likes to leave after any arguments and not talk to me for days at a time. It was three weeks our first argument, then one our second and then the other arguments he would allow me to leave but then contact me after a while. If I said everything that was weird about this relationship, I’d never a therapy session, which by the way he says I need to see. Anyway, I guess I just need a third party input about this. Would you be willing to talk to me? I could explain everything in detail.

      • It sounds like your bf is trying to isolate you by making the relationship between himself and your brother uncomfortable. Your brother sounds reasonable; it’s your bf who is not. As for is it abuse, yes, it is. Emotional abuse and/or manipulation at least.

        Let the bf go. You deserve someone who wants you to spend time with your family and friends. Someone who doesn’t make up drama because he wants you to himself. And what is he doing on those days he’s withdrawing from and ignoring you? Could he have a girl on the side that he’s grooming to take your place if you tell him to get lost?

        He is using therapy as an insult. He doesn’t want you telling anyone what is going on because then you might leave him. Think about it.

        I am not saying this in an ugly way: A few sessions with a therapist would go a long way toward helping you see what all is going on. It would be good to see a therapist, not because you’re crazy but because you need a third, disinterested party to help you unravel the veil he’s trying to place over your eyes.

  29. Toronto Spratt says:

    My child father always tell me he going to kill me and it hurts

  30. anonymous ( srry) says:

    My Friend Is Always Txin Me When Her Step Dad Is hittin her mom or throwing stuff at Them. she Said They Have Call The Cops But They Havent Help. they Are Always Freakin Out When Tat Happens And Are scared. I try tellin her evrytime to call the cops buy she said her mom wont let her. Right now she said her step dad told her that he will stab her mom. She if freakin out right now & scared ???????? plzz tell me what shud i do i love her alot and wud do anythin fpr her & her family to b safe plz tell me what shud i do before anythin bad can happen????

    • The cops can’t do anything if she or her mother won’t tell them what’s going on. They are scared, she’s been told to not call the cops. She’s not going to be the one who does that; at least not in her present state.

      You can call the cops. Don’t tell or ask her, trust your gut. If she needs help, call people who can stop the violence. You don’t have to admit to doing it if you don’t want to. Tell the cops you want to stay anonymous.

      Do not go over to the house to try to stop anything. It is a volatile situation and you or your friend could be hurt then or later. She IS reaching out for help, but she’s reaching out to someone who can’t really do anything to stop the violence. Only her mother can stop it. Maybe your friend can, but she would have to call the Department of Social Services, and that can get really messy. She could reach out to a school counselor, too. That person would know the best thing to do to help.

      I hope the best for your friend. I’m sorry you’re in this awkward position. Next time, just call the police and send them over there.

  31. Anonymous says:

    I wear gauges and my dad threatens that if he ever sees me with them on he’ll beat me or rip my ears himself ):

  32. alejandra says:

    So,,, every time we argue my boyfriend has told me numerous times that hes going to take our daughter… that if I go to court he’ll make my life hell… I said I wanted joint custody but he just wants her for himself… he also said, “I’ll be dead and you’ll be dead before you take her from me, and if you try to run I wouldn’t even have to go find you, you’d come back by yourself,, I’d find a way, I’ll hit you where it hurts you the most “.. today he told me he’s tired of me and my bullshit,, that he can’t stand me anymore… I want to go file a report or something but I’m scared

  33. I am in a relationship for a few months. Throughout, he had been controlling, manipulative, foul tempered and sensitive. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I thought we weren’t suitable to be with each other. He kept going on about how bad he was feeling. Harassed my friends and family. At one point even threaten me with a picture. All he wants now is to have me but at the same time I feel like a puppet. We always get into a fight. I really don’t know what to do

  34. I’m in a relationship and we have a 13 year old daughter together. Everytime we get in an argument he threatens to leave and has left several times. Everytime he has left he wants to move back. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him because If I say the wrong thing he looses it. In an argument he calls me names, tell me nobody wants me including my family, he’s done with me and how he can’t stand living in the house. I financially support him and our child. I have never recieved any money financially for our child and I work lots of hours weekly. I feel unappreciated, there’s no respect and I feel he is very verbally/emotionally abusive. Three years ago he put his hands on me several times but he blamed me for it. Sometimes I feel like verbal behavior is almost as worse as physical behavior. He has a very bad temper and has cussed at our daughter multiple times. Sad that his own daughter wants him to move out. I’m not sure why I still keep hanging on. Me and him rarely spend time together because he will only go do stuff he wants to do. There’s no compromising. I attend holidays with my family without him because he never wants to go and I feel like I’m always making excuses for him. I know I should end the relationship and most of all for my daughter. After being together so long it’s just not that easy. Usually if you care you fight for that person and your not quick to leave them after a stupid argument. In an argument he wont let me get a word in and if i do he tells me to shut up. If I get upset and cry he laughs. I’m so confused and hurt. I do so much for him and I know I deserve better.

    • Jennifer, I think you need to appreciate yourself more, and love yourself more.
      Understand that your daughter loves you and will be there for you. Learn to love yourself again and you will understand that you are worth a lot more than what he is doing to you.

  35. My boyfriend threatens to kill me if i ever tried to leave him, he does not beat me but when he argue he always grabs my arm and lets me know what will happen if i leave him.

  36. My husband has abused me physically 3-4 times. We fight we patch up and this time I started collecting documents so I can have them all when I finally leave. He found out and made a lot of cussing and fuss. I did not respond at all. I was cooking dinner for my 11year old son. It is really because of my son I endure all the abuse and patch up. I can’t loose him. I’m a traveling working mom. I fear I will loose custody as he works locally. Although I do all caring for my son. My husband figured I was collecting documents and demanded today to return them and shut up. I told him it was good that we separate as I don’t trust him and he is selfish. That made him mad and he kept threatening me that he will beat me up. I recorded him cussing. But I don’t have him threatening on record. I had a voicemail from las Dec which I deleted even from deleted folder so he will not get in trouble. I feel so helpless :(.

  37. I am a single disabled woman and I have a neighbor who is exmilitary and has been showing serious signs of aggressive mental issues. I was threatened with my life and have tried to steer clear of a neighbor who is wall to wall with me the law enforcement for the 3rd time told me his verbal threat isn’t a threat so looking at these post makes me wonder I’m worried in my home and confused with no help… Pray God helps me

  38. I was in a relationship–long distance. The guy has substance abuse problems and abandonment issues. Today he threatened my family. Although he lives in another state I’m nervous. I’m saving his emails just in case. He used to be so sweet and interesting, but lately he has turned into a monster.
    The worst part is I’m afraid no one will believe me because I have bipolar disorder for a diagnosis. Will that make it easy for him to discredit me?

  39. My husband said he’d poke me in the eye if I drank and became too personable at a coworker house party, then he would leave me the next day. I told him that I wouldn’t even think of hurting him and then he said he was just kidding, that he was joking. However, the way he said it and the way he acted it out made me think differently.

  40. Is it normal that I can’t go out cause I’m scared my partner is gone leave me . I feel like I’m doing something wrong if I go out without him

  41. MusicLover123 says:

    My Boyfriend threatened to slap me in front of his brother and friend. And his brother stopped it. So I let it go. Now he’s in jail for drug dealing for from July 2015 until march 2016 and he says he going to beat his brother that saved me up because he lied to me.

  42. Hello, I am not in a spouse relationship, but I really need some help.

    I’ve been friends with my current roommate for the last four years, and she has been getting into drugs and alcohol because her life has been incredibly stressful the last few days. She’s never been threatening before, and has never exhibited any threatening behaviors. However, last night, I tried to lighten her mood with a bit of teasing and laughter while driving back to our dorm. The teasing itself was directed at her mother who was being a bit silly in my opinion, but she perceived it as teasing towards her. In short, her response was that she was going to slit my throat. I think I diffused the situation by making it clear that I never mean to hurt her with teasing, that I was directing my humor towards her mother’s odd antics, and that I would try to stop. However, I am concerned that this behavior may be repeated, and that if she is incapacitated she may hurt me in the future. What would you recommend I do in this situation, I feel really lost right now.

  43. We have been married for a year and about 6 months. We argue very often. He is always screaming at me. He tells me that I abuse him because I have an attitude and my tone of voice is cruel. Maybe I do abuse him this way. I dont mean to, I try to tell him that when I’m mad im not happy so of course I will not have the best attitude but its not good enough. When he yells at me he does a lot of body movements, like smashing his fists together and biting his lips. He gets in my face and when I dont want to argue and try to leave, he wont let me out of the room. He corners me and makes me say please so that he will let me out. He has hit me before but he says he didnt mean to, he pulled my hair and pushed me down. He has also but his hand over my mouth. This happened about a year ago and he has never done it again. He tells me to just shut up and to let him talk but I do let him talk. My mom has told me that when someone loves you, they dont look at you the way he looks at me. She says that he looks like he wants to hit me, like I am the enemy. I cant help thinking, what did I do to make him so angry? Can anyone please give me some advice? He is a good person, I know he is but sometimes he just gets really angry.

  44. my husband cheated on me more than 20 times with multiple women some of them will call me and insult me together we have 4 kids he said twice that is gonna kill me if I’m keep being on his business because some time he can leave the house for 3 days and when I speak he get angry calling me names I don’t have income I’m a student I don’t know what to do some time I even don’t have 5 $ bucks in my pocket but he works he make 600 a week

  45. I have a old record so he always holds it against me he’ll hit me throw me down steps and his famous words is ill call the cops who will they believe I’m scared very

  46. Unknown 55 year old.
    I was threaten by a friend and he told me that if I ever. Called him at 6:30 in the morning that he would come to my fro t door andkno k and when I hope d the door that’s when he would shoot and kill me .
    I haven’t been back k to his mobile home and I sent him a message that I will prote t my self and he called me on Saturday night 2 times and I didn’t answer his call’s and I saved the text messages that I sent to him.

  47. Tameka Jones says:

    Hello I just be going back and forth thinking and thinking im I being abuse from my kids father. We been together for 11 years and We had good times and rough times. He have been physically mentally and verbally abuse as s child. Which affects him sometimes now. He have a hard time getting along with people when just meeting them because he feel a bad vibe and if they say something wrong he will flip so he try to avoid different situations. Im starting to think he maybe suffering from depression and bipolar. He always make assumptions, stereotypes, easily become angry when he feel disrespected, sometimes have controlling behavior and dont take accountability for his actions. When he get mad It’s always it was my fault i Just need to shut up and listen so he won’t become angry he cut me off when im talking or expressing my feelings. So I would become angry and tell him what’s wrong with his brain why do he think the way he do I call him stupid sometimes too especially when he wont listen to me he shut me out. The thing is he act out in anger with everyone if he feel disrespected from coworkers or family. We live together I have to deal with it mor e. Sometimes he have an emotional break through and start talking about his childhood being abuse by his father and seeing his mother get beat on by the father and and they both still together til this day and still have issues. Sometimes when we argue he punch the wall push me or break something he said if I dont say he stupid ot have a brain he wont do it and it’s my fault. I told him if he listened to me talk and stop shutting me out I wouldn’t say you dont have a brain sometimes i think he cant even comprehend what im saying I give him his props for taking care the kids, doing laundry cleaning the house. A few years ago he loss his job And became depressed I help him file for unemployment help him get jobs at temp agency and pay less in the bills while i pay more til he got a reliable stable job which he do now. Im very nice kind hearted and a push over and when I have enough I speak up and put my foot down His mother constantly using me over the years asking for money helping her find a job she even lived with us before but always make smart comments on how I do things and say this and that but i ignore her. So im tire of her behavior towards me one minute she nice and the next minute act like I owe her something and say anything to me I told him im tire of it He get mad not comprehending and say so you don’t like my mother no I don’t like her behavior he say if we together i have yo deal with it that’s how she is. Him and his mother argue all the time for the things she say. Im just tire of his behavior and he take thingd to personal when it’s not serious and I think it’s from his childhood. Sometimes I feel like im being emotionally abuse because of his anger towards me not listening to me and sometimes i don’t feel appreciated if i make him feel this way why are you with me why wont you leave Im just thinking about leaving because i think he have a problem

  48. Courtney says:

    My boyfriend gets paranoid over little things. Last night I was walking my dog and bumped into a guy I’ve known for many years, we ended up having a chat for half a hour.. when I replied to my boyfriend’s text letting him know what I had been doing, he accused me of sleeping with the guy and then started threatening me. He told me that he will kill me for being a cheat, that he will kill everyone I know. He told me that I am damaged goods as I will be a ‘cripple’ one day. He said that when I am wheelchair bound, nobody will want me and I will be alone forever (I have multiple sclerosis).

    • Time to go, Courtney. If your MS does eventually cripple you (but new advancements are made every day), is your current boyfriend the one you want around to “help” you?

  49. Anonymous says:

    This has happened so many times I lose count. My fear is real. He takes and hides keys, anything of paperwork importance and will break or destroy things that hold sentimental value. He refused to allow me to get a job past year. I took a chance a got a part-time job and now told will need to walk to get there. The physical abuse and intimidation never ends. Truly believe before I escape will end up a case on the news. I worked in mental health profession for almost 18 years and was duped in beginning to what would be revealed once mask off.

  50. Edwards says:

    My boyfriend threatened to hit me last night and tells me how he wants to spit in my face when we fight. He yells at me behind closed doors and the only reason I try to carry them on in public is for him to see how scary he really is being. I’m not sure if this is abuse or not; but he’s beginning to remind me of my step father more and more often.. He even screamed in my face while I was having an anxiety attack. Is this real abuse..?

    • Yes. It is real abuse. The screaming at you during an anxiety attack COULD be organic, not abuse per se. To stop doing that he needs better anxiety coping skills. But the threats, wanting to spit in your face, and, most notably, your desire for someone else to see him act out, are all abuse or signs that you are abused.

      • anonymous says:

        I’m in a similar situation. My partner and I argue but he has never been violent to me. When we argue he anyways puts me down and cakes me names like maggot and tells me the sight of me makes him sick. Problem is not long after he obviously reflects and then apologies. If I look upset after that he tells me to stop holding grudges and being pathetic. Like sorry fixes it all. He says it’s because I have low self esteem and it’s boring to do with him. Today when we argued he threatened to go to jail. b He didn’t specify violence but indicated thati would be the victim either directly or indirectly. When he had calmed down I tried to all him about what he meant he stated that’s not what he meant it’s just the way he took it. I know he is trying to intimidate me buti i don’t know how to leave. I’d I leave now ill be print myself in debt and stuffing up my life. Please help

  51. Anonymous says:

    My mum always threatens to hurt me she says thing like if you do it I will cuxk you frew the window im scareed

  52. My mum keeps threating to hurt me she will say things like I will frow you frew the window I know its not much compare to other people but it hurts and im scared . she makes me feel worth less and stupid . I am always blamed and she never gives me any attention irs always about my sister. I dont know if she means it but it still hurts like crazy. I want to talk to her I just dont know how. Can anyone give me advice? Btw im 13

    • Hi Carla, I’m so sorry your mother is abusing you. There isn’t anything you can say to her to make her stop acting that way or saying those things. Your pain is no less than anyone else’s pain, so please don’t think others are worse off than you. You need and deserve help.

      You can contact http://thehotline.org to find out what resources are available to you. Also, try http://loveisrespect.org which is directed toward teen dating violence, but they could help you in some way, too.

      Follow up on any ideas they give you. Oftentimes help isn’t found the first time you ask. You must keep asking. Be brave.

  53. I have been with my hubby for almost 6 yrs we have two girls a 3 yr old and a 10 month old I have other two kids from my first marriage a 14 yrs old girl and a 16 yr old son . anyway my hubby drinks a lot and I had caught him using drugs he confessed me a few days ago that a guy he knew is sentenced for life because he killed his wife because he caught her cheating on him then he said if I ever do that to him he’ll do the same I don’t feel safe anymore I want to dump him and record him so when I file for child support he can only have supervised visitations as well planning to get a restraining order

    • Talk to an attorney before you get into divorce proceedings. Any recordings you make may or may not be admissible. My layman’s advice? When you get the restraining order, include what he does/says to the children that scares you.

  54. Liz Liz says:

    My husband is emotionally and physically hurting me. I have been through so much that the more he speaks the more I intake and the more I hear the more I believe what he says and I know it is not at all true! I have so much to say… But I can’t get it out. My head is a spinning less and he has almost won…. I… (sighs) hmmmm… He threatens to take the car and has hidden the lets from me and even said if I try and leave he will report that I stole the car or if I leave or try to… He will sell it before I can go. He has even broken me down a couple of times. I clean houses and my client needed some laundry done and so I brought it home. Of course he found out and wasn’t to happy he demanded that I stop. Well I didn’t and he found out again and this time asked, If I was screwing him and that I was his (explicit). I ignored him and he hit me. I fought back and tried to cal the police and was unable to do so. He has tooken my wallet and left me with no good and has to hurt me which it really didn’t hurt me. He was hurting our children while he was “thinking” he was hurting me. He always tells me I’m no good for nothing other than for opening my f-ing legs that no man wants me because I won’t submit or obey his ways. He went and told the bank I committed fraud because he don’t remember me being on there in that I signed his name without his permission and that he could sue them for allowing such thing. And the sad thing is he did that to spite me because I was still washing my clients clothes. So he knows kinda that hitting me sometimes don’t work. When I supposedly disagree or when I call him out he puffs his chest out and looks at me like he is fixing to come at me. He has in the past but hey what can I do. He had me at his feet from a very young age. I fifteen and was gaslighting me. He treats me like crap but Then wants sex. We could be figting and we say and hurt each other emotionally I go to bed angry. He likes to aggressively wake me up to go have sex and when I don’t he starts to put me down. He’s been this way from the time I met him. I still have so much to say and speak about… and I? Well I just cannot seem to find anyone to listen…. I have been to a counselor but he gets seemingly distracted by whats in his pocket and or who his next patient is.

    • Ague All The Time says:

      My husband is very emotionally and verbally abusive..he doesn’t live in the home right now. He does most of these things in every category countering, twisting, blaming me for everything. If he isn’t blaming me he is blaming my girlfriend (she has never done or said anything negative about him or our relationship). It’s like he doesn’t want me to have any friends unless there his friends (that are women). Every argument is my fault. He accuses me of being a liar, cheater, and user. When I respond to his condescending remarks he harps on only what I said as the response, nothing that he said hurtful. When I apologize or respond by telling him I don’t want to argue or that I love him, or I’m sorry for my actions, or any kind response he ignores it. He calls me names tells me I’m trash, I’m nothing, and demands that I apologize to him right now or, “I know you are smart enough to call and apologize and not do it through a text”, his favorite thing is threating to break up “we’re done” “its over” “divorce”, his only resolve is to breakup. We got into a heated argument in public and at the table he starts punching his fist together saying if we weren’t in public he would bash my face in. He didn’t like what I was saying the other day while we were on the phone and he said if I was there I would punch you in your mouth. When he threatens to break up (after dealing with his BS for 8 years) it makes me feel very insecure and unstable. He is overly aggressive about everything I don’t know what’s okay or not anymore. He brings up old arguments that I thought were over, and he always tries to win my son over so that its them against me. Nothing ever gets resolved cause when we are in an argument he over talks me or sits there while I’m talking and doesn’t respond. I’m just so frustrated, it’s like dealing with a unstable child. I wish I had more friends to get out and take my mind off of things.

  55. I just got done talking with this guy. We said we loved each other way to fast. Whenever he got angry he would always blame me. Or bashed me out calling me a fat whore. Then next day be like I love you. He also had suicidal problems he used against me saying he kill himself. I sent him naughty pictures once and the day I told him I was leaving he said he post them all over the internet and said I never loved him. Whenever he got mad at me he would always say I never loved him and I was a piece of shit. Just blamed me for my wrong and never his. Horrible thing is. This was all over texting never met in person. I can’t imagine what it would be like in person. Just hope he never finds a way to contact me ever again.

  56. ivo tsolov says:

    my wife will kill me if i leave her, she is mad and stronger than me, i beleave she can smash my face if she wants i tried to speak with the police but they dont take it serious i am scared…

  57. Anonymous says:

    I am about to leave my emotionally abusive partner and I’m terrified. I’ll be leaving in two weeks and I can’t focus or deal with it in any way. My husband is threatening me he’ll take our daughter away and put me in prison. All of the professionals tried to reassure me those are empty threats, but I still can’t eat, sleep or concentrate.

    • Does it help to know your response is normal and natural? When someone who has had control over you threatens you, fear steps in, just as the abuser wanted it to. Remember that courage is doing what you need to do DESPITE fear, not being absent of fear. In time, you’ll recognize the threats as empty. For now, push past them and don’t let your fear deter you from leaving.

  58. Anonymous says:

    My husband is so abusive with words, but he has push me and hit me on my face twice using a pillow, there was this time when he tried to hit my cat and i didnt let him do it and he got like crazy and started yelling and my parents help me to calm him down, it was so embarrasing cause nobody new the real him until that night, but i didnt let anybody else now about it.he also says he will leave me (something i want but wont happen that easy) has erased my facebook friends and threatens me with post or e mailing my friends naked pictures of myself (i know he will do it), we have been married during year and a half and he lives in the states and i live in Honduras, we used to have a had a fun, healthy, loving and respectful relationship during year and a half but after our wedding everything changed, i dont love him anymore, i kind of hate him, i hate sex with him (not even on skype) i do it because i have no choice, i dont want to have kids, because he is not the man he used to be, if i miss a call from him he calls me puta (whore), idiot, stupid, slut and all the possible words in English and Spanish, im so glad he doesnt live with me right now, cause he only comes every 3 months, but my papers are almost ready and i dont know what to do, i dont wanna leave my country but over there is where i can get rid of him. what should i do?

    • You’re in a tough situation and I don’t know how to advise you. I don’t understand why you can’t “get rid of him” from Honduras. Is there a reason why you can’t divorce him there?

      I’d think twice about the US being the place where you can get rid of him. When you get here, everything will be new. You won’t know anyone. Getting around will be difficult at first. Plus, he’s going to love that you can’t really get around without him or meet new people he doesn’t approve of – he’s going to isolate you. Leaving is more difficult when you’re isolated.

      If you don’t want him in your life, I would not travel out of country to be with him. Stay where you are, if possible. You’re stronger in a place you know.

      And quit having Skype sex with him. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. You don’t have to answer his phone calls, texts, Skype texts, etc. Sure he’ll be mad. But you hate him. Protect yourself against him. You do have choices.

      Email your friends/family and tell them he’s threatened to send personal photos, meant only for husband and wife, to them. Give them a heads up. I mean, if my friend told me that, I wouldn’t think less of her. But I’d certainly delete emails from her husband without looking at the attachments. I don’t want to see her naked or in a compromising position any more than she would want me to see her that way.

      I hope the best for you. I don’t know what services are available in your part of the world, but at least you have family/friends there who can help you get out from under your husband. Be careful who you trust, and think twice before moving to a new country.

  59. After reading several of the posts and several articles, I find it embarrassing to post a comment on domestic abuse because everything on this site points to males as the perpetrators of violence in the home and I am a man suffering domestic abuse. I was a highly ranked government employee that is slapped, kicked, and emasculated on a weekly basis because if I leave she will call the authorities and claim domestic violence. I lost my career because I tried to move on with my life but I couldn’t; as soon as I did I was arrested for domestic violence and now I feel trapped. I tried going to the police and I they literally laughed when I showed them a threatening text. I have been relegated to try to kill myself to escape this nightmare but even that she has used against me. The law has empowered women and rightly so but at the expense of justice. I wish every woman here the best and I will pray for everyone of them. Thank you for providing me a forum to seek splice. God bless you and keep you.

    • There’s no reason to be embarrassed. The abuse is not your fault, donado. I appreciate you adding “and rightly so” to your comment because it shows a lack of anger toward “all women.” In my experience, quite a few abused men hold onto their anger in such a way that it comes out hatefully. I’ve started not posting their comments because the world just doesn’t need anymore unjustified hate. So thank you for dealing with your anger issues despite the horror you’ve gone through.

      I hope you go to see your doctor. I’ve been suicidal at times due to the depression that developed during my spin in abuse. It isn’t fun. My brain says, “The world would be better off without you,” or “You’re inconsequential; your life doesn’t matter.” When my depressed brain speaks up like this it is disheartening and scary. I tell that voice, “You are not me! You are a result of abuse and have no right to take up my time.” Well, usually I curse at it a lot, but that’s not fit for print.

      Go to the doctor to see if you have depression. If you do, decide on a treatment plan with the doctor, and ask him/her to refer you to a therapist. Life doesn’t have to be so hard.

      I see that you’re still in the relationship due to her lying to the police. I am so sorry justice is not served. It is so wrong of the police to laugh at a threat, no matter who sent it. Too many people (women included) don’t take threats from women seriously. God knows they should.

      Let me ask you a question that goes against common sensibility: Now that the career is damaged/lost, what else can she do to you so far as the law goes? What if you left her, took up a new residence, and dealt with her lies in court? I know it isn’t fair. I know losing a career is devastating. But since she’s already hobbled you, is it possible to go ahead with the escape plans?

      You can email me if you want. We don’t have to discuss this here in the comments.

      I am grateful to you for commenting, donado. If I don’t hear from you again, I hope this situation resolves to your satisfaction.

      • I am in a similar situation but it’s been going on for over 4 years. He is very difficult to be around most of the time. Drinks heavily every day . My 10 year old has been banned from being around him by her dad and I have limited visitation because of all the fighting she has witnessed and the 30+ cop calls. I know I need to leave him but I can’t seem to do it it’s like im c aught in an addiction. Please help

  60. Mervat Saidawi says:

    I am dealing with the same thing for three years. Please help me.

  61. Anonymous says:

    If u call the police an asking for help plus got a lawyer but he’s not helping as well wat do u do next he used to hit me so I no wat he is capable of now jus threats but I will not be alone with him anymore to scared

  62. Anonymous says:

    My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 7 years, he has a very bad temper in which he forget to whom and what he is talking about, we have religion issues for marriage and also my parents don’t approve of him in any case. Now I have decided to be on my parents side, but he is threatening to insult me and my family in front of society. What should I do?

  63. I walked out of my abusive relationship when my 3 year old daughter would sit and cry with me and tell me “Mumma lets go to grandma. I don’t like dad. He makes you cry.” The last blow was when he tried to stab himself using me. I walked out of the house 15 months ago to come back stabilise myself, found a job and taking are if my kid while living with my parents. A lot of people that he knows think that I left a good man Coz he is oh so helpful and kind. But I have seen the animal in him. I have lived the abuse and for years I could not accept the fact that I am living an abusive relation. I have always been a strong independent person and I really don’t know when the suttle comments about my appearance became verbal abuse to when they converted into emotional abuse to the point that I was under an impression that he just gets angry at times when I was being physically abused.
    It took me almost an entire year to bring myself together again to gain that confidence but I am not divorced yet. I am scared of the impact a child would have not having a father in her life. He still calls me and threatens me about what a fool I am to have walked out and that I am giving such a sad life to my daughter earning peanuts while he can provide the best to her. I do get scared and worried even today when he talk for a few hours bt I compose myself and think if my child would be as happy as she is today with all the love she is getting and would she be so happy with her mother being verbally abused or physically abused right in front of her even if she had the choicest of luxuries.
    After an entire year he agreed that he would go counselling but he is so convincing that I doubt the counsellor would understand the amount of pain he has given me.
    For those who are still thinking to get out I know it’s nt easy. I know it takes a lot of strength but take that one step and you will find the difference. If you don’t feel safe in the world outside of that relationship trust me they would me more than willing to take you back as they know that no one else would accept the shit they give us apart from us. So yes make that little effort and honest to God you will see how peaceful you are. Being 20-79 doesn’t make a difference. Make every moment count. I still face a lot of challenges. But it’s all worth that.

    • you made the right choice but i’m only 15 and it’s my sister being threatening but i can’t bring myself to tell anyone what do i do? She’s a year older than me but i can’t take her on she would beat me to a bloody pulp. She’s taken a knife to me a few time once after i got surgery she pushed me down and popped it open i’m worried something bad will happen please help!!!

  64. Stuck husband says:

    I just want to say abuse is a bad thing all around and there are plenty of resources to get help except not for me .. I have tried the police I have contacted shelters for a place to go and I can get no help from anywhere I am in counseling and the counselor has no resourses … Why its because I am the victim of an abusive wife who quit counseling when she was told she abused me verbally, emotionally and physically to control me as she (according to the counselor) exhibits all the characteristics of a narcissistic abusive spouse. No one should be stuck as I am forced to lie about injuries at least how I got them nor abused at all unfortunately it is easier for women to get help if they want it. I am not in any way dismissing any one here or their comments just that everything should not be against men (men bashing in slang words) just abuser and victim should be the labels no gender labels. I hope all here get to end their time being a victim and live a long and happy life. I have a ways to go as I can only hide about $6 a week for my escape when I have $300 that will be enough gas and food to get me far enough away where she went be able to find me

    • Dear Stuck Husband,
      I feel sad for you. Your’e right, that there aren’t resources for men as there are for women. I know how difficult and frustrating this must be for you. I know a family member who has suffered emotional and verbal abuse from his wife for many years. He’s so beaten down and just suffers with it. He could leave, and yet doesn’t. I think it happens more than you think. His wife doesn’t even believe there’s such a a thing as verbal abuse. So he’d have no luck even getting her into therapy. They’re old now and he will likely stay. Saving your money is a good goal. Keep saving and planning. You can leave. You will leave, and you will regain your freedom and the dignity she’s tried to steal from you. Good luck and God bless.

  65. I’m having a hard time trying to figure out what im going to do. I’m a mother of two and every time I try to get out of the house my partner threatens me to slash my tires or break my windows. He’ll even back me up in a corner and tell me I’m not going no where. I’ve talk to his mom and shes told me that if I think whatever is true when he calls me a bad mother that it must be true. I don’t believe it but after 13 years of listening to him its kinda hard not to believe it. When I started school he told me i was stupid and wasting my time. I’m still in school and I’m staying I don’t work but I take care of both of the children he doesn’t do anything because he says he works and that its the women’s job to take care of the kids. But if I were to walk out with our daughter he’ll tell me over his dead body I won’t. Then he’ll say I’ll see you in court. I want to leave but I don’t want to lose my daughter or my son and I don’t know where id go. Hes a drunk hes left our daughter in her room because he was drunk she’d been in their from 2 that afternoon till I got home around 10 and he was pass out. When hes drunk he’ll say hes playing around but he’ll start picking with both kids and wont leave them alone. Hes told me if I call the law on him that I wouldn’t have no teeth and that he would harm himself before they get to the house. We’ve had social services on our front door step and he lied to her and said he only drinks a 6 pack every other day which his mother didn’t say nothing but knew that wasn’t true. I’m scared to say anything and I don’t know what to do.

    • Dear Anonymous,
      I understand why you must feel trapped. He has paralyzed you with fear, You know you can’t trust his mother, so forget about telling her anything. If you can get a job to make enough money to take care of the kids and yourself then it’s likely that a court would give you custody. He would actually legally owe you child support. But that might be difficult to get from him. When you’ve had enough and feel strong enough and ready to go, plan carefully to leave when he’s not there. You’d have to get to a women’s domestic shelter that takes women with their children. The people who work there will be able to advise you and have resources to help people in your situation. If he’s an alcoholic, which it sounds like he is, he won’t likely be able to stop cold turkey. You have a case against him. If you don’t feel you can leave just yet, then the next time he’s drunk and does something stupid, that’s the time to call social services or the cops, when he’s passed out. I know, that may not be possible. You have to outsmart him or simply leave when he’s not there. But know this, you are not stupid. Do not allow his words to poison your self worth. If you’re able to go to school, then perhaps you can plan to speak with someone who can help you to plan leaving, someone from the shelter. Think about it. Plan carefully, get advice, and leave. You and your children are worth it. You deserve better.

  66. My boyfriend won’t let me leave him, I do feel completely trapped, before I met him I didn’t think anybody could possibly be trapped in a relationship, I thought everyone has ‘choices’ but now I realize it’s not that easy when you’re living in in fear ,luckily he doesn’t live with me but he’s only a 10 minute drive away, he is the most angry man I’ve ever met, he did get physical with me once but it’s mostly threats of violence if I try to leave, threatening to break into my home and get me, calling me all kinds of vile names , It’s disgusting and I couldn’t even repeat on here what I have been called. He also threatens me with suicide from time to time if I leave, he says everything is my fault. I do seriously believe that if I left him then my life would be over, he hasn’t threatened to kill me, but he has threatened harm and because of his anger levels I do believe he would be capable of that , so because of this I am scared out of my mind and I have to force myself to stay with him. I suffer from major Anxiety attacks, depression and palpitations because of this which isn’t really healthy for a 40 year old, I am really scared of going to the police because I would worry about the outcome with him but I don’t think I can live life this way for much longer, it is taking it’s toll on me terribly, this has gone on for over a year. My thoughts go out to everyone in the situation that I’m in because I think it’s the worst thing I have ever been through in my life, I get sick to my stomach everytime I have to meet up with him.

    • Marie,
      I completely understand. You need to save your money and plan ahead for your future in another city without him. I had to plan ahead, save and plan to move without telling my husband. You have the advantage of living apart so you can plan to leave when he’s not around. Start by removing things from your home a little at a time and moving things around so he doesn’t get suspicious, say you’re redecorating and getting rid of stuff to donate if he notices anything. Yes, its a little scarey and nerve wrecking but worth it in the end. If you have a friend you can trust they may be willing to hold some things for you or put them into storage, and also your escape bag packed with only what you need to take when you feel ready to make a break for it. Be ready to start your life from nothing if necessary. I finally got to the point where I had to decide if I was willing to live the rest of my life unhappy and fearful at times or take a chance at freedom and peace. You have to be careful when getting all your mail forwarded so he doesn’t come across anything in your mailbox indicating where you’re going to. You must be willing to get a job in a different city and take back your life. Go into hiding for a while if necessary at a women’s shelter and get help from people who deal with these issues. It does take some courage but your life is yours and you shouldn’t be living in fear. If this all seems too much, just leave for a shelter first and then plan what to do next. I made the mistake of giving mine a second chance and you don’t want him to have that opportunity. The best of luck to you.

  67. My what was fiancée says I’m evil yet he uses our son as a tool he always says if you do this I’ll go for full custody or he tells me him and his brother want to snap my neck. Ever since we had a child together he has been very abusive and blames everything on me. If anyone has advice please help thank you

  68. A guy has a nude selfie of me ,and he will share it on facebook 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    • Hi Shireen,
      This guy is using the photo to shame you into being manipulated by him. I hope that by now this situation has diffused. If it hasn’t try getting law enforcement involved. This is blackmail. My husband has done this so many times I can’t even count. He’s told me he’s going to tell my family members private things that he knows and also things he knows about other family members to hurt my family. He’s threatened me with emails that I’ve written as well. I finally had to decide that I could survive the worse case scenario should it happen. If this guy were to post this photo of you I think you have legal recourse against him. I’m not sure. Even so, you can’t let him manipulate you with this. Ignore him. He may post the photo. But once its out he’ll have nothing on you.Unfortunately many girls have been through this with today’s instant photos. It may cause you some humiliation but you will survive it. I hope it doesn’t come to that. But don’t let him think he has power over you. I hope the best for you. Take back your power.

  69. Jason Crist says:

    Hi son calls me a douchebag and tells me to shut the F up tells me he is going to beat me up tells me that he has always hated me that I am not his father anymore could not to call him my son he is 21 years old I told him to leave my house he says that he lives here and he refuses what do I do

    • Alice Voelkel says:

      Call the police and have him removed. You will have to show him tough love. That is your house, and you don’t have to put up with the abuse. The police will get him out for you. Unfortunately, you may have to just bar him from your home if he does not know how to behave like a decent adult.

  70. hello my name is Nicole for now and my parent said she doesn’t want anything to do with me and that she hates me and she hits me alot too. She found out something but it didn’t happen so now she tells me she hates me and doesnt love me anymore and i’m a bitch hoe slut and ect.. i need help what do i do?

  71. I left my husband 6 months ago after 22 years of verbal abuse usually fueled by alcohol, his insecurities and paranoia. The worse it ever got was when he started strangling me one night after an argument and I tried to leave. He told me he was going to kill me and our daughter would have to clean up the mess as he’d be killing himself after me. That was the first time he threatened my life. For some stupid reason, feeling somehow responsible for his behavior and pushing his buttons, I stayed so we could get into therapy. It didn’t help. After leaving him, he’s stopped drinking so much and less often. We started seeing each other while separated. Things were going well except I felt he was calling me too much and not giving me my space, He always had a problem with boundaries. I went to visit my family for Thanksgiving, whom he absolutely hates, and while away he texted me and called nonstop that night. He’d been drinking and was angry I wouldn’t take his calls. His text messages became hateful. I was so angry that when I got came home I told him we needed to take a few steps back. He came to my apartment unannounced to talk. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. When he began talking hateful about my family I told him he needed to leave. He refused to go and I as i walked to get my phone to call the cops, he ran toward me and pulled out a retractable club from his pocket and threatened me. What the hell?? He said nobody is going anywhere. I became hysterical crying and ran toward to the door. He blocked it and told me we’d die, tonight would be the night. He cried and I begged him to leave cause our daughter would be home soon. He said she’d be going with us. She’s 23. He finally calmed down saying God was holding him back. I felt like I did that first time he physically threatened me. The first time he’d been drinking, This time I don’t think he had. I still love him but can’t be with him. You ladies need to leave and don’t look back. These men need professional help. We can’t fix them.

  72. My partner is a control freak and verbally abuses me all the time he will even tell me how he can get fuck anywhere abd that his ex is better in bed. Today he theeatend that he would kill me if i ever left with our child. He has also abused me physically and ge refuses to go for counseling . What should I do ?

    • Hi, my name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. I am very concerned for you and for your child. Death threats need to be taken seriously. They are against the law, have you thought of reporting him? It is possible through the Police to seek a restraining order to keep you and your child safe. I want to leave you with a link on how to create a Safety Plan. I encourage you to make one. A Safety Plan is like creating a fire drill for a safe fire escape, with this though you are planning a safe escape from your abusive relationship. Please know you do not deserve any of this abusive treatment. Here is the link to the Safety Plan; http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ when you open the link please scroll to the bottom of the page to download the plan for free. Also you may benefit from signing up for our Mentor Program. We have a wonderful group of women who have all been there. They offer free support and guidance via email. If you would like to sign up please go to this link. You are not alone. http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/ Take care Janet

    • Hi, My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. I want to encourage you to leave this relationship. You do not deserve this abuse. You deserve so much more than what he is giving you. Threatening to kill you is very serious and against the law. I encourage you to speak to the Police and to also create a Safety Plan. Please go to http://verbalabusejournals/how-to-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ and scroll to the bottom of the page it opens to download the plan for free. Be safe Janet

  73. My fiance is telling me that he will burn my parents house down or kill us all in our sleep if I keep his daughter from him. I can’t bare the thought of leaving her with him after he would say something like that. He says he’s just going to take her from daycare one day while I’m at work.. he’s extremely evil and gruesome when he’s mad.. but I have no proof.. I am afraid to leave because he knows everything about me.. where I work. Where I sleep.. how to find me.. how to find my family.. what do I do? I look at my daughter and I know I have to do something.. but I’m frozen..

    • Hi Scared, My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. Thank you for sharing some of your story. Let me tell you that he is trying to scare you in every way possible so that he can control you. You do not deserve this treatment. There are ways to break free. First I suggest you keep a journal with dates and the abuse that happened that day. That can be used as evidence by the Police and can lead to an arrest. He has no right to treat you this way, in fact it is against the law. You and your daughter deserve so much better. I also encourage you to create a Safety Plan so that you can leave the relationship safely, it’s like creating a fire drill. I am going to give you the link to the Safety Plan we use. Once you open the link please just scroll to the bottom of the page to download it for free,  http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ Also you may benefit from signing up for a Mentor through our Mentoring Program. We have a great group of women who have all been there. They offer free advice and guidance via email. To sign up please go to http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/ Take care and be safe, Janet

  74. Anonymous says:

    My live in boyfriend constantly does this. He says if I ever leave he will kill my dog in front of me then kill me. I can’t just run away. It’s my house but I can’t afford it anymore. He has stolen and money I have in my purse, forges checks on my account and taken my credit card while sleeping. He’s into a really bad crowd. He says I’ll be fine, it’s him they are looking for. I’m so scared that if I say anything to anyone he will hurt or kill me. He gets violent and angry at me when my mom calls to check on me. He won’t leave the room when I’m on the phone with her and I am not allowed to have contact with anyone other than immediate family.

    • Hello Anonymous, Thank you for sharing some of your story. My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. First let me say that abusive relationships are about one person wanting Power and Control over another person and it is achieved through fear and intimidation. The threats to kill your dog is part of that intimidation and control. Another way that abuser achieves control is through isolating their victim. Hence why you are not allowed contact with anyone but your mother. If he has you without a proper support system you become weaker and it is easier for him to control you. He is also financially abusing you to make you more dependent on him so that it is harder to get rid of him and be strong. You do not deserve this abuse. In fact you deserve to live abuse free! I encourage you to sign up for our Mentoring Program. We have a wonderful group of women who have all been there and they offer free support and guidance all via email. To sign up please go to http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/ Take care and be safe, Janet

  75. Wow chills after reading some of these. My husband has never threaten to kill me or anything to that extent but is constantly blaming me for our marital problems, I am at fault for everything he evens says that I am wring and he is right. The home & cars were his before we got married and I hear it all the time him telling me is his home that I can leave anytime I want or that he is being nice for letting me use his car. I am mainly home since I do take care of our daughter who is a toddler. It is very frustrating when one person puts the blame on the other and is constantly being put down.

    • Hi Valerie,
      You are right, it is very frustrating, and might I say unfair, when someone puts all the blame on you. Abusers will do that though. My soon to be ex husband said many of the same things your husband is saying. Instead of listening to what was hurting me he would say, “Well just leave then.” “You know where the door is!” It hurt. What I didn’t realize at the time is he had no emotional connection to what I was saying, he enjoyed hurting me and was ultimately dismissing my feelings and deflecting away from what he had done, ultimately not taking any responsibility. Also abusers are very possessive. They will see their belongings as theirs, not as something you share with your wife. This is all about having power, power over their partner rather than being on equal footing. Instead of being partners they are the ones with the belongings. For you he points out he owns the house and the car, others will be the ones who make the money and they will give their spouse an allowance to buy groceries, they don’t share the finances. They make sure that they are in control of everything and their victim is powerless. That is their goal, to make you powerless, that keeps you weak and easier to control. Abusive relationships are all about one person wanting power and control over another. Abusers will achieve that through fear and intimidation. You don’t deserve this Valerie.

      Janet – Verbal Abuse Journals

  76. For all of you below find help and get out all you are doing is making excuses realize it is abuse and happening to you and you are making yourself more of a victim by telling yourself you cant do it. My grandmother was in her seventies when she had to go back to work god rest her soul and she was out of work for almost twenty years . Look for inspiration and look for hope find it and walk away. I walked out on my relationship after being beaten and raped and i was tols everyday I could never be loved by a normal loving guy because i was crazy and that everything was my fault. I believed the bastard for years and then i lost both my kids and had to sign my rights away to them to protect them from him. He made sure I lost everything i ever loved because he was trying to punish his mother of all people for never being there and saw how abusive his dad was and thought it was an okay thing to do. Then one day i got up got dressed and left everything i owned behind and moved 1200 miles away from him. Im still struggling but now i have a future of some kind and hope again and i realized the worst thing i did to myself was allow him to keep doing that to me by staying and yeah he threatened to kill me if i ever leave but you know what? Im alive and well and will be for a very long time and no alot of people don’t understand and are critical of me but fuck them its my life and i did what was best for me and my kids no matter what people say. I made sure they didnt have to grow up watching mommy get hit or anything else with nothing they could do because i am a good mom and protected them with what i knew how. I made sure to break that cycle of abuse his family had by making sure they went to a loving home of my aunt and uncles where they are cared for and yes i wish everyday that i could be their mom again but i still stand by my decision because I sacrificed my relationship with my children and my place to protect them the only way i knew how. If i can do that you all can do anything that you put your minds to and get a job and walk away all you need to do is decide that you want it bad enough. My only regret was that i hadnt left sooner.

  77. Silently Weeping says:

    In July of 2016 my boyfriend beat and strangled me for two nights in a row, because I was two months pregnant with our baby.

    The entire time he would threaten to commit suicide, so when I finally got convinced by my cousin to press charges I dropped them due to his threats and because I was mourning over the baby I lost from the forced abortion he induced through violence.

    Ever since then I’ve become a shell of my formal self I live in constant guilt and depression. I’m attached to the man who put me through this, because he’s all that’s left of my unborn child…

    Recently though he has gotten more violent and has struck me in the face as well as been biting me all over whenever we get intimate. It hurts, but I don’t defy him out of fear that he may get upset and stangle me again.

    He has tried to kill me twice, and the anticipation of when the next near death experience will occur has destroyed my peace of mind. I can’t sleep, eat, and I’m seeing the world around me as an immense threat.

    I hate this, and I don’t think I’ll ever be free…

    • Hi, My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. I am very concerned for your safety. Do you have a family member or friend that you can go to? I worry that they next attempt at taking your life will be successful. You deserve to live a life free of abuse. Have you ever thought of reporting this abuse to authorities. They can have him removed from your home and put a restraining order/no contact order in place to protect you. I understand that you feel attached to him because of your lost child. I had three children with my abuser so I understand that attachment. My abuser as well threatened my life and I had to realise that I deserved to live. I was worthy of an abuse free life and so are you!! We offer a Mentoring Program at Verbal Abuse Journals, I encourage you to sign up. We have a group of women who have all been there and they offer free guidance and support via email for as long as you need. To sign up please go to http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/ . Also please know you can always reach the police by calling 911. Take care and be safe.

  78. Renae Guyer says:

    Started by boyfriend @15yrs old Actually more childhood..I’m 55 & now I’m feeling the same way using same threats..
    I HATE IT!!SO I GO TEAR EVERYTHING OUT OF CLOSET,DRESSER, NICK NACKS JEWELRY IN THERE OWN PLACE I’M COMPALSIVE DISORDER.
    TO CLEAN ALL OVER AGAIN..SO I CHANNEL MY ANXIETY & ALL THAT YAK ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN HIM.
    HE WANTS ME TO MAKE HIM THE VICTIM TANTALIZE ME BUST THROUGH DOORS TO BE IN MY FACE COMMON HIT ME MAKE ME BLEED..HE GOT AWAY WITH IT LAST YEAR NO CONTACT ORDER HIS LIES..HE WILL SAY TO ANYONE WHO LIS TENS THAT I ABUSE HIM..IF HE WANTS ME TO GO WHY DOESN’T HE SAT IT??
    HELP PLEASE SINCERLY, Renae Guyer

    • Dear Renae, My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. I am sorry you are going through this abuse. Let me first say that abusive relationships are about one person wanting to have power and control over another person and they achieve this through fear and intimidation. Abusers enjoy this feeling of power and they love to see your reaction when they abuse you. It is a very sick cycle but that is why he does not ask you to leave because really he does not want you to leave. He enjoys being able to hurt you. You do not deserve this abuse. I want to suggest two things to you. One I suggest you create a Safety Plan. A Safety Plan is your plan to safely leave an abusive relationship, it is like creating a fire drill. Here is the link to the one we use, http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-to-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ . When you open the link please scroll down the page to download it for free. The other thing I would like to suggest is that you sign up for our Mentoring Program. Having a good support system, while dealing with abuse, will help you tremendously. We have a group of women who have all been there and they Mentor Survivors, like yourself, via email offering support and guidance. This is a free service. To sign up you just need to go to http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/mentor-request/ Please take care. We are here for you.

  79. I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years. In the beginning of course it’s the honey moon stage and it all eventually wears off. Now I’m still with the same guy and we have. 2 year old. For about 3 years almost every day I have been verbally abused. He has never hit me, but he has pushed me, call me horrific names he threatens to slit my throat, shoot me when He had a gun. He throws things at me. When my son was a month old early in the morning my son needed to eat and I had to turn the light on to get my sons bottle and he flipped out on me started yelling and cursing and it got so bad he threw a knife at me while holding our new born. It came really close inches away from my head. I mention it the next day and he said if I wanted to hit you I would of hit you I needed to get your attention and that was the only way. I’m being called every name in the book almost every day. He tells and gets mad at me for stupid things like not getting the clothes in the car to go do the laundry right away. Or eating his food that fight started today over that and this is why I. Trying to reach out to someone and get advice. I had left before but stupidly have came back. It’s hard when there’s children involved. He threatens to kill me in front of our son. I’m not sure what to do anymore. He’s very controlling he’s always right and things always better go his way. He tells me if I leave I’m doing us both a favor but when I do leave he switches up and begs for me back saying he needs me and our son we’re all that he has.. etc try’s to make me feel bad. We both work at the same place so work isn’t really a safe place for me. Just someone please help what can I do? Will he eventually end up hurting me??!!and everything is always my fault he tells me I make him get this way.??!!

  80. My spouse threatened to punch me in the face tomorrow morning if our daughter has a hard time going to school

    She has issues falling asleep at night

    I’m at the point I stay because of her and won’t leave her here

    This happened tonight

    “If I hear any complaints tomorrow about going to school or getting up I am going to slap you in the face as he pointed at me”

    It took me over an hour to calm my daughter down after his antics

    He is a drug addict who has run out of his marijuana yesterday this I believe is the cause of our grief tonight

    • I think nobody should be in abusive relationship! I think it wrong for anyone to be mistreated! I really do!

  81. I was with this guy, he was always abusive towards me, calling me names. “Selfish bitch”, “stupid”, “unworthy”…etc. We we were just teenagers and the times he didn’t act like this it was the perfect relationship. Then he started hitting me. He waiting till I got comfortable in my skin and pushed me over one day. And while I was on the ground he would kick and hit me , all the while making fun of me or mocking me when I cried. He always mocked me when I cry, saying “boohoo you little cry baby, keep crying idc” then he would pretend to cry to get at me. Me being 18 and young and arrogant, I thought I was in love. Then I got pregnant. He seemed so happy, I figured that this would have been the best decision out there. But it didn’t stop the abuse. He would hit me still, he would still call me names. He still pushed me down and kicked me. My baby was born 26 weeks into the pregnancy and died 3 hours after birth. After I she died, the abuse got worse and worse and worse. The last day he touched me, I barely remember. I went to hang out with a female friend and he didn’t like it. When he picked me up he started cussing me out in front of my friends so I left with him so he didn’t embarrass me. Of course, that was the worst mistake I could have made. He pulled into a clearing in the woods and told me to get out. Of course I didn’t listen. So he reached over me and pushed my door open. Again, he told me to get out and again I said no. I was scared. I thought he was going to kill me. He pushed me out of the car and got out too. Then he ran to my side of the car and just started kicking me, repeatedly. He had steel toe boots on, and i I can still remember how his boot fit in my ribcage and snapped two ribs. Then the punched came. He his my face, my chest, my stomach. He even bit me and burned me. At some point he picked me up and put me back in his truck and he started driving. He hit me while he drove. He smashed my head into the dash board and luckily a cop so happened to see him do this and pulled him over. He got arrested that night without a bruise on him. Yet, I had two broken ribs, a gash on the inside of my mouth, two blackened eyes, a broken thumb, and bruises, bite marks and cigarette burns covering me. Now I’m free of it. Im 20 almost 21, with my first living baby. Of course the baby happens to be his but we are so better off without him

    • Dear Deborah I think you should get a rearranging order on him the way he can’t come 10 feet by you nor by you! That’s wrong how this guy did you

      • Deborah I feel bad for you and my heart go out to you! Like I said get a restraining order on him

  82. My daughter’s boyfriend stated that if she were a guy he would beat the shit out of her. I was highly alarmed but he thinks he was all good because there was the “if she were a guy”. Feelings, opinions?

  83. I did not realise until today (after reading this information) that I need to make a safety plan. Thank you for providing this very helpful information and suggestion.

  84. Rose1234 says:

    I have a boyfriend who I have been living with for the past 2 years. He has been great to me. I even lost my job 7 months ago and he’s taking care of me. Of course I help him around the house and everything but he never yells at me If I don’t feel like doing something and he’s pretty much easy going most of the time. Since I lost my job the money has become an issue. The thing that I’ve noticed is that he explodes by the little things. Like if I go to another person to ask for their opinion on something that he already knows about he would get angry and tell me that I am making him look like a fool in front of other people. He has never hit me but he’s yelled at me before and kind of raised his hands and this time when I asked somebody else opinion on a matter that he knows about he lost it, the look on his face is indescribable he forcibly took my headsets while I was wearing them and threw them on the floor and raised his hand like he was going to hit me but he didn’t. I got into a room because I started to cry and he went there and said he was sorry. The thing is, if he doesn’t see me like this he will think there is nothing wrong with his attitude. Ive heard him yell at his mother before when they have arguments and he loves her to death, I mean, its his mother. But then again, if he treats her like that what can I expect from him. Aside from that he is a hardworking man, family oriented, he supports me on everything and he encouraged me to go back and finish my Bachelors degree and I did. He bought a house and he always has plans for our future. He is a very ambitious person and he wants to be in a better situation financially then what we are now because since i am not working things have gotten tough. Aside from those outbursts there is nothing else negative that i can say about him. No alcohol, no drugs, comes from a good family. We are not married yet and we don’t have kids. How do I deal with this? Do I just leave? Do I stay and try to work things out? Is it worth it? Will it get any worse? my biggest fear is that those little outburst turn into something else in the future. And i have no way to know.

    • No one can answer those questions for you. But in what you wrote, I see escalation in the abusive anger. Started with yelling, progressed to pretending he would hit you, progressed to destroying (or not caring if he destroyed) your headset. This type of behavior DOES escalate. Think about it: yelling at you didn’t make you stop asking for advice. Threatening and scaring you didn’t make you stop. Breaking your stuff only brought you here to ask for more advice. What will he do when he sees himself publicly disgraced on a website? (Although there is no way for us to know who he is, he will pretend that we know, that you’ve hurt his reputation and made him look like a fool.) This will get worse, and you will get physically hurt.

      These are not “little outbursts” and you have every reason to worry.

  85. my ex girlfriend had an ex when i met her. she has an addiction and supplies her. i tried to get her clean but she lied over n over then went to him, with him on and off for 3 months. i own my home, rented military and I can put he kids through college, they would have med bennifits….but she chose to go back to him because he threatened her life his mine…I told the coward to bring it. He beat her a couple weeks ago, and when i told the local sheriff he just shrugged his shoulders. we have a code word if she is in danger but he only lets her read what he wants her to. He will kill her. He doesn’t have a pot to piss in….but at the same time….I am a very good looking healthy educated financially secure man…..and I can’t keep a woman like that from going back to some shit hole ghetto? Man talk about the lowest if the low blows. Im heading on out of this town before I take that coward fishing.

    • Please don’t let her behavior impact your self-confidence. You’re dealing with an abusive relationship and an addiction. Neither one of those problems are of your making, so you can’t possible fix them. I’m glad you said she is your ex girlfriend. Sometimes the only thing we can do is leave the victim alone to see for themselves. Sometimes that never happens. How To Help A Domestic Abuse Victim

  86. Brenda wellington wiladon says:

    I have made a report with police several years ago. I had to move back in because I’m homeless and have a son with bipolar schizophrenia. He has been in jail for drugs and acts like he has changed even goes to church not still says he is gonna kill me.

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