Ordering and Demanding

ordering and demanding are types of verbal abuseIf your partner orders you around and demands you meet their requests, then you hear verbal abuse. Patricia Evans says that when someone makes demands of you, that person has forgotten that “you are a free person, and if he wants something of you, he must make a courteous request.”

Another way of saying that is your abuser forgot that you are not an extension of himself (you are not his puppet). It is not your job to tend to his needs or desires, and if he needs help he should ask nicely. Unless his arm is about to be cut off or something like that, every request should be relayed to your ears with a non-sarcastic “please”.

I knew a female soldier who said she would not say ‘please’ because she “wasn’t going to beg anyone for anything”. I wonder how she’s getting along with others these days…

How My Husband Uses Ordering And Demanding

When my husband orders me around or demands certain behaviors of me, it is his way of directly controlling me. In the past, ordering and demanding worked well for him because his other threatening and scary behaviors had accomplished his goal of scaring the resistance out of me. I was in “shell-shock” much of the time, and it was easier to do as he said than to expose myself to another round of abusive anger, threatening behavior, and all the rest.

He loved to take me to parties when he knew I was in this state of fear. While there, I felt compelled to laugh at the jokes he made about me while fetching his beer and fixing his plate before my own. He would brag, saying things like,“This is how home-training works!” as I brought him another drink.

When the fear effect wore off a little, he wouldn’t have to do or say too much to put me right back in the state of being his willing sheep.

How to React to Ordering & Demanding

how to react to abuse ordering demanding

Patricia Evan’s suggestions for responses to ordering and demanding include “Who are you giving orders to?” or “I don’t follow orders!” 

You could say, “Stop giving me orders!” but that statement doesn’t feel right to me in this situation. Attempting to stop someone from ordering you around by ordering them to stop doesn’t sit right with me.

Other Types of Verbal Abuse

Based on the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, ISBN 1558503048, Adams Media, February 2003 and my experiences with verbal abuse.

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  1. Anonymous says:

    Why don’t these types of so called men pick on someone their own size instead. They need someone to put them in their place, someone who treats them in the same manner as they treat & imprison us. Most are from mommy issues, but I feel that if you hate something so much, you do whatever you can to change yourself so you don’t become hat person you despise so much! Why would anyone want to miss out on a normal relationship? On a chance to find & receive love. These monsters deserve to be punished. It’s disgusting to watch them morph into different beings around other people as they project their bullsh– to others. Don’t you just hate when someone comes up to you & says he is so nice, you are so lucky? I want to gag right then & there. If they are blinded by his bullsh–, boy would they be in for the shock of their life. It’s like being a POW, living a life of pure hell. There actually is no different because you are tortured until you concede to their way of thinking, you don’t have an opinion, a life and are reduced to nothing. The constant yelling, belittling, the threats are incredibly vicious & ruthless. They call themselves men? That is not a man, it’s an extremely insecure individual. I am sick of dealing with the explosive bouts of bullsh– as he tries to brainwash me & have me conform to his sick, demented way of thinking.

  2. Anonymous says:

    When my husband has done something wrong, or something is his fault, after we have argued it is always me that is meant to feel guilty, and i am the one who usually apologises. When we argue, his mouth is filthy and says really nasty things to me, about my past, my parents – who have helped him so much.
    A small example from last night, it was nearly 11pm and i was sorting out paperwork for the house upstairs. He was laid on the sofa downstairs shouting my name, after a few minutes, i responsed asking “what? what do you want now?” he replied with – “yoghurt.” So after 5 mins, i went downstairs and into the living room, he said “are you going to get me a yoghurt?” i replied with, “why dont you get off the sofa and get it yourself?” he looked at me and was like, “really? really?”. I said i was busy tidying up and i walked into the kitchen, he then proceded to say, “we’ll see whats gunna happen then.”
    I caved in and took him a yoghurt in, put it down and saaid in a scarcastic voice (maybe i shouldnt have), “here you go darling” and then he said, “forget it, i dont want it”

  3. Anonymous says:

    If he doesnt get his own way, he goes moody. He complains i never kiss him or want him to cuddle me in bed, but i feel such anger towards him and resentment that i dont want him to touch me. And i make up an excuse. He threatens to leave if i dont change, but i dont feel i have done anything wrong.

  4. I’m in an abusive relationship myself, sometimes he just does annoying things like ask me to get something for him that he could get himself I just comply rather than risk another argument where he will once again threaten to divorce me to stop my complaining. On the other end of the spectrum just yesterday while I was sick he told me I should take a cold shower cause of the fever, I said no thanks but he kept insisting, then he gets up to go to the bathroom and as he does his business he runs me a bath anyway, when he comes back he physically picks me up carries me to the bathroom forces me to undress and get in the tub. All I can do is go along with it, cause if I get mad at him we agrue and he threatens to divorce me again. He ties the door closed with a dog leash. Turns out he didn’t even really care about my fever he just wanted me out of the room so he could take my cell phone and watch a movie since his phone has no Internet on it right now.

What do you think? Tell us!