Name Calling

name calling is verbal abuseIf your partner likes to call you ugly names or calls you sweet things but in a sarcastic, ugly tone of voice, then you are verbally abused.

Patricia Evans explains that when abusers engage in name-calling, they’re saying, “You do not exist.  I annihilated you …  Now that you are wiped out, I’m in control, just like in a war.”

How My Husband Uses Name Calling

My husband calls me names for two reasons, I think. One reason is to humiliate me. The other is to deny my existence to himself. In his mind, the best way to stay in complete control is to erase from existence the one questioning him – me.

I’d like to add that when we are going through a string of arguments or abusive conversations (aka, “bad days”), he doesn’t use my name at all. He doesn’t call me “Kellie” for days. He’ll refer to me as “your daughter-in-law,” “your mother,” “you,” or any other way he can EXCEPT by saying my name. I may be worth something to someone else, but I am NOTHING to him.

How to React to Name Calling

how to react to name callingIf your partner calls you a bad name, stop what you’re doing, turn to them and say, “Do not ever call me that name again!” as forcefully as you can muster.

You do not have to explain why or give them a word to use instead of the offending one. You do not have to answer their question of “Well, okay, but what do you call it when someone [does whatever they think you did to justify the name-calling]. There is no justification for name-calling no matter what you did or didn’t do.

Remember that these statements are to help you feel better and detach from your abuser’s antics. They do not guarantee that your abuser will stop abusing you, nor do they protect you from further abuse. You should fill out a safety plan so you know what you will do if things get out of hand.

Based on the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, ISBN 1558503048, Adams Media, February 2003 and my experiences with verbal abuse.

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  1. I don’t react well to name calling; I let it get to me then I turn around and call him a bunch of names in return . . which only escalates things and makes matters worse . . I know deep down inside that if I don’t respond he’ll back off and feel guilty . . but yet, I still let him get to me . .

    • I don’t react well to name calling either. My wife is controlling and calls me terrible names, i know i should be the mature one but it gets me so furious that i do the same. Then ot escalates!

    • i do the same thing he does it on purpose to get me like it and likes to see me react he says i takes it to heart and he dont meen it but he still does it like says oi ugly or wentch get me a drink says i wont cope without him here its hard not to react isint it

  2. My boyfriend told me that my P***y was so ugly no wonder he cant get off, and also on the ohine and text he said its to ugly and loose, he never wants to have intamacy again.

    we have been boyfriend girlfriend for 4 years, have 2 children from sep marriages. he even chimes in on my children about how retarded they are and my sons honoe roll certificate he brought home was fake.

    He is on anxiety meds, and I assume the womens private part comment he made was due to a medicine that made him not have any sense or erection. When I cried on the floor after he called my P-word ugly, he just walked right over me to the other room.

    He tells me dont get that comfortable in the bed, cause your not sleeping in here tonight, go in the other room and sleep on your new office futon you bought. he with holds hugs , kis, and even just talking. I try to sit and talk with him on the bed watching tv, while he is stuck on the Ipad looking a car parts for his mustang. I wake up every morning and make his lunch and a toasted english muffin to eat on the way to work, all he says is thanks for making my lunch, No hug, No kiss.

    he is withholding because he knows that means a lot to me. If I try to say I love you, he will be quiet, so I will say it again, he says, I know I heard you.

    so now im in the office, when I have a beautiful bedroom I decorated for us, he had been made latley, and very angry. I caught him with norco pills he was taking to make him feel happy because he is depressed and has always been, but when he buys them from whoever he can find them from, he is energetic, happy tells me i am beautiful and has so much energy to want to do a project. Then when I know it gets expensive to buy off the street he went to see a doctor that put him on suboxone, which I know when he is on it because he is so angry and deffensive. Blames me for his madness, He told me he never bought anything and he just happen to have some of the orange suboxone pills in his bag from along time ago, but he didnt realize that I watched from the ipad the find my phone app, you can watch where that person goes. plus I looked at his phone and founf a # and I texted it, asking if he had anything for pain, the guy texted back,”ya whatcha Need”

    I want to stay to be the supportive girlfriend/fiance because he says he loves me and wants to marry me, but I have gone through this cycle with him noe at leat 5 times. I made a comment one day that the amount of money he spends on pain pills he could of got me a beautiful engauagment ring by now. Latley he has been buying everything on ebay, and spending so much money on his mustang, its like he goes through the different projects, just to keep his mind busy.

    Ive been seeing a couselor and she said he is a narssasist and has passive aggressive behaviors. He says he’ll think about if he wants to work out our relationship and to give him time, but yet I’m still doing eveything for him while he gets to sleep.

    Thats another thin, as soon as he gets home he goes to sleep, I end up eating with his children and mine, or if he calls into work sick, he sleeps all day. he loves to get right up in my face with his middle finger to say F.U. and I think he wants power to make me take a step back to get away from his face, but I stand my groung and dont move, I dont want him to think he has the power over me.

    He has alot of built up anxiety and depression inside, and when I tell him he needs to talk to a counselor he say its not his depression ,”ITS YOU”. I sopke to one of his co-workers and he said how weird that was because all he did was talk so highly of you and has never said anuthing bad, the co-worker said actually he talks about you and says how wonderful you are and beautiful and we all tell him how lucky he is. so what kind of personality is that, its almost like 2 different lives

    • He’s a drug-abusing woman-abusing child-abusing person who is not worth your support or time. He does have power over you even though you stand your ground when he physically intimidates you – which by the way, will become physical assault before long. It is only a matter of time before this man with “2 different lives” hits you or your children.

      Sure, your guy may be a narcissist with passive-aggressive behaviors, but that is not your fault. So long as you stay with him, making life easy for him to live as he pleases, he will never suffer a day of difficulty due to his nasty behavior.

      Trust me, if you leave him, he will find another. But he might stalk you first, so make a plan:

      • Mine is just like that it won’t get better it will get physical mine did and the name calling got worse and everything is my fault

      • June Berry says:

        I am in the process of getting a divorce, after 38 years of living like this. It started small I dealt with it. I kept quiet, I hid the tears from the name calling. It progressively got worse, and then it went to physical abuse. Which I took, and believed it was my fault, he tripped me, my fault I made him mad and he drug me by my leg off the bed. My children suffered because I felt I needed to stand by his side, honor my vows, be a good wife. All of this is a ridiculous way to live. It’s not healthy. You will one day explode into such rage you won’t know who you are. I finally started standing up for myself, when he shoved me into a wall I swung back, and made contact. When he would get in my face and call me every nasty name he could think of, I got in his and said do not ever call me a name again. It didn’t work, he laughed. I left many times, always to come back, because it was me being stupid according to him, and I believed him. Those days are over. I have my own place, pay my own bills, work full time, visit with friends, watch what I want and when I want on t.v.. if I want ice cream for dinner then damn, I have ice cream. I still see him, and talk to him, but no more take his abuse. When he decides to fight or get ugly, the phone conversation ends, or I get in my car and leave. Life, not having mental, verbal, emotional or physical abuse is AMAZING… it’s what life should be, that I never knew. Get out, if not for yourself then for your kids. The damage he is inflicting on them is not reversible. The role of a man, is not one your son should ever learn.

      • Anonymous says:

        Yes he sounds very much like the classic narcissist. It won’t stop it will only get worse. You need to leave before he destroy you

    • He’s very likely addicted to pornography. The medication he’s on has nothing to do with it. Don’t make excuses for him and his abusive, immature behavior. Don’t.

  3. My husband and I have been together for 18yrs, married for 15. he calls me a stupid fucking bitch every other day at least. He tells me if i would learn how to act he wouldnt say things like that. He does say sweet things and tells me he loves me. he is attentive to the children and I. But he is so easily upset. And says the meanest things. He says one day I am a great mother-wife, and ten mins later i am a nasty bitch that doesnt know how to do anything.

    • Anonymous says:

      I just left a two year relationship because of him calling me nasty names and degrading me. It is a vicious cycle. Nice then nasty. I’m too old to live like that. I want to be happy.

    • maryonautism, I know exactly what you mean. He called me that 2 days ago and I haven’t spoken to him since. Luckily we don’t have kids to have to witness our arguments but I am not sure how to deal with it because nothing ever changes. Like you, he is great one day and then mean the next. I feel like he has no respect for me and don’t even get me started about the sex that WE DON’T HAVE! ARGH!

      • WOW sounds like a lot of us are in the same relationships. I’ve been married 5 years and every other day I’m an Efin bitch or an Efin C@#&. And of course its always my fault. Some days hes good others a monster. And I too let him push my buttons where I fight back even though I too know it makes things worse. I’ve read and read about how to handle this, and its . . Just frustrating . . I hate living like this!!

      • Anonymous says:

        Omg! Im going through the same issues. My husband and I have been together 9yrs.He has 3 children. I am raising a 20 year old who has autism. We both work full time. I just want to please him. One minute he loves me sooo much the next im a whore n everthing else. The next day he will wake up n act like never even happened. I dont know what to do. We just recently moved to a different city. I have no where to go if I leave him, but he refuses to leave. His children dont live with us but my daughter does. If I move back to where I am from I cpuld be put of a job.I just want out..anyone have any advice.

      • OMG, it is like I wrote the above. I too am going through the same thing. No sex (can’t tell you how long), flowers for my birthday and then calls me a stupid bitch because I called him out on something that he didn’t like. Nice to see I am not in this boat alone. The big question is: what do I do about it? Do I stay for “when he’s nice” or leave to find a loving relationship? I am now 42 and due to the lack of sex = lack of children. I feel the regret already starting, I wanted to be a mom so badly. ;-(

    • Anonymous says:

      My husband does the same.

    • Mine calls me a stupid fucking bitch as well a fat ugly cow and no one else will ever won’t. Me I have been with him for 33 years and he has got worse since his heart bypass 2 years ago

      • Hi
        My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. I am sorry you are going through this. Let me first say that you do not deserve any of this abuse. In fact you deserve so much more. Have you ever thought about leaving? I know there can be many hurdles to leaving. I faced many when I left my 15 year marriage, but on the other side of it I have been able to live a life free of abuse. You deserve that too. I am not here telling you to leave, you know your situation best, but if you have thought about it I do encourage you to create a Safety Plan. A Safety Plan helps you safely plan your escape. Here is the link to the Plan we use here at Verbal Abuse Journals;

        If you do plan to leave I encourage you not to tell him. Often the abuse will escalate when they know you are planning to leave because they feel themselves losing control over you. So please be careful. Also one way to cope with verbal abuse is to tell the person, in a firm voice, to “Stop it!” or say, “You are not allowed to talk to me like that!” Often this is met with yelling and such from your abuser, but it is a start in you creating your boundaries and letting him know that you will no longer accept his abuse.

        Take care and be safe,

        Janet-Verbal Abuse Journals

      • Anonymous says:

        I have also been married 27 years and saw my husband get worse after bypass surgery. I don’t think it has anything to do with it other than he probably feels sorry for himself that he is not as strong as he used to be. He is jealous of my son who is an adult now and needed a place to live due to personal reasons and had no other place to go. Because I let my son move in temporarily rather than leave him homeless, without husbands agreement, everyday. He has withdrawn from me and threatens to leave me and make life as miserable as possible unless I throw my son out. He says I did something to him and calls me a piece of shit and a moron and makes other threats that make me fearful. He is pouting like a child and ignores my phone calls, emails or texts. I called him today to try to make him understand the situation and that it is temporary and i thought he was listening and then realized he had laid the phone down while I was talking which really hurt me. He says he’s done with me. If I make my son leave, then maybe we can talk. He finds fault with EVERYTHING and complains about me and my son. I had the same treatment before my son came here, just a different excuse. I don’t know how to get out. I just keep hoping he’ll care.

      • My husband calls me a stupid cunt if I try to touch his penis. I just wanna please him, but he hates it when I touch him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love him and he loves me and we both wanna make the marriage work, but I’m tired of him calling me names.

  4. Anonymous2 says:

    This doesn’t work, it doesn’t matter what you say, it just makes the person more violent and enraged. Nothing really makes a difference, they’ll eventually explode in violent anger and then settle down again after a few days, and the whole scenario starts over.

    • Exactly
      I’m still married and being as strong as I can in front of him.
      But he never changes….no matter what I do, have done for him.
      He has put us in a tremendous amount of debt
      He has taken, stolen, “borrowed,” and given money and various items, from my parents.
      My Daddy believed the lies and bs that my husband told my Daddy…all done without me nor my Mommy’s knowledge

  5. Wow I’m so overwhelmed at the answers to questions that seemed to be driving me crazy for decades. I’m shaking my head because if it didn’t happen to me I would not believe this crap I accepted and allowed for three decades. I couldn’t accept that he is evil and he did it all on purpose by choice against me his wife who lived him dearly. I almost fell for it😒

    • Bernadette says:

      My boyfriend calls me f**king useless. Is that verbal abuse ?

      • Yes. That is verbal abuse.

      • I am in the abusive relationship too. meant boyfriend on a dating site 4 years ago. The relationship moved very fast he moved in with me 3 months after we meant everything was great for years then 2 years later he started calling my daughter and I terrible names. Now it’s 4 years later and it’s the worst ever calls my 16 yrs. old daughter a bitch says she’s worthless looks like a vagrant she stays in her room when he’s home. He says I spoiler that that is not true. He picks fights everyday over nothing I can’t even talk to him he never stops talking if I do try to say something he says I am rude that he is not done talking. He is a control freak. I want to kick him out but I don’t know if I can afford to pay some bills if I do. Very unhappy

    • Anonymous says:

      Wow! My relationship is the same, one minute very supportive and loving, has actually shown huge gestures of love, or at least that is how I saw them, and the next name calling and putting me down. I tried to leave but felt so much worse, like I need his support and love.

      He has moved and hour away by plane and wants me to move. The weather is better there and there are opportunities to do what I truly love to do, whereas there is very little here. I am scared as I will know no one there, it will be all his friends and family at first. I am frightened to put myself in that vulnerable position.

      On the other hand, I am back on a path of walking with God and feel guided to go, as I can do more good there, I want to go, strong in this attitude, but I don’t feel that strong and doubt this guidance. Maybe I am just crazy after all.

      I know I should know better but this site has confirmed what I felt God told me, which is that it is not time to end it. I need to create my own life I believe, I have no job and am feeling depressed, life seems so empty, it is. I am working on this but feel caught in this cycle again of confusion and not knowing how to move forward. Should I stay in my home town where I feel safe, relaxed and have support and just get any job to help lift my mood and improve the quality of my life? Or go there?

      We have been in different countries for 4 months now and I do my own thing I feel ever distant from him and so does he. Last night he said, while drunk, “I said a bad thing earlier…silence…I was fueled by ignorance…you are going to be angry when I tell you…do you know what it is? I said I miss (cat’s name) more than you.” This might sound petty and there have been greater offences, like telling me my private part was deformed, withholding sex for a long time and when drunk telling me “It’s because you are dull.” Why would I want to have sex with a despicable human being?

      My confidence is shattered, these things toy with my insecurities, so while I know this is not the greatest offence it is fresh and I still feel hurt. the worst of it was dismissing my reaction like I was such a bother for giving him a hard time, and saying I was like a psycho when I was just looking at him. This is all f**ked up really. I asked him why he said this to me, he said because I can and I have nothing to hide.

      I hate him! hate being dependent, but I love him too. I want to care for him and things to be ok. I feel like I am blind, it’s so obvious, but it hurts to accept the truth. I am crying now. I like the lady’s advice not to react, but this took her a long time and she recognized it early. I have been fooled again, I am so sad. I have had 5 major losses in the last 4 yrs., really tough times I cannot even express. This is so hard isn’t it? I want his love, for us to be close and reconciled, how could he do this?

  6. As from what I have read it’s just women replying , I’m 6ft male big guy and not timid looking I get verbally abused all day and night by text calls and in public, it’s humiliating and I have to take it because I’m a man and she knows I am unable to retaliate back I grit my teeth give s look of aggression I hope she stops then a reply “what you going to do about it you fat p**ck” it’s hard for men to but if we react we are ones worse off..

    • There are some other men floating around the site, Paul. You aren’t alone.

      Okay. So retaliating by flipping out of control, yelling, calling her names back and the like won’t work for you. It doesn’t work for us women, either. When either sex retaliates by fighting fire with fire, we get burned. I understand that you can’t treat a woman like you might treat a man. However, let’s think about how you would treat a man if he were the one harassing you at work. You wouldn’t knock him to the ground either – doesn’t make sense to do so.

      And please stop giving her that look of aggression. It pleases her to know she’s pushing your buttons. Plus, if anyone else saw you do that they could interpret it as “she’s going to get it when they get home.” And I don’t think you want ANYONE going away thinking that. They’re likely to show up in divorce court later saying you threatened HER.

      Change your phone number and lock your phone. You don’t need that shit. She can call your work phone if she needs you, and perhaps a friendly co-worker can answer it telling her you’re busy or something like that.

      You can also stop doing the “happy family” bullshit. Don’t go to social events with her unless you absolutely must (like a wedding or funeral). Don’t give her the opportunity to belittle you in front of others.

      When she does this crap at the house, leave. I used to drive down the road and sit in an abandoned field road. But maybe you could go to a friend’s house. The thing about showing up at a friend’s house is that you should give them an idea of why you’re getting out of the house so much. In time, you may discover that there’s no relationship at all between you because you’re spending so much time getting free of her.

      The page you replied on is one of several that explains abuse and gives you possible smart reactions to it. Here’s a link to a safety plan: Take a look at that. It also gives examples of the types of verbal abuse and asks you what you could do when you hear it.

      You said “it’s hard for men too, but if we react we are the ones worse off.” Not necessarily. If you react violently in word or action, that’s an inappropriate reaction for anyone of any gender. If you react in a healthy way, you can save face and not have to pull out the bully look.

      I know you’re not perfect as well as I know I’m not. I handled things badly with my ex back in the day. When I started handling things with respect for myself in mind, he couldn’t take it. He amped up the abuse to physical. Don’t be surprised if she tries that shit on you, too.

      It takes a lot of self-control to react appropriately to abuse, but it gets easier. And when you figure out it’s not going to stop, you’ll find a way to leave.

    • Anonymous says:

      You sound like a great guy. Find someone to love you. Even guys get fed up. Let her booty go. Life is too short to be unhappy.

    • Mabale mahamotsa says:

      Leave her she needs professional help not you, you will also do just fine without her, take it one day at a time I know it’s not easy

  7. Anonymous says:

    My boyfriend constantly tells me I’m selfish. I have 2 children, in school full time, and I work nights. He rarely directly says it to my face, he enjoys texting me long mean things about how awful I am. Also, always wants to break up if I don’t fufil his sexual need quota for the week.

  8. Their this newly married guy friend I returned he’s message and he responded like normal so I started playing like usual then he acted out of character by calling g me crazy

  9. Why do men call women names? Did thier mothers not teach them any manner? Do they themselves have such an issue with self esteem that they target women who are vulnerable? I got involved with 2 men who are pathological liers. And when I found out about their lies they tried thier best to make life miserable for me. I was raised to be honest, a good friend and to search out God’s best plan for my life. The man I live with now is a local politician who thinks he’s gods gift to our small city. He spends his whole day on the phone stabbing his friend’s in the back. And he wonders why no one talks to him at local functions. I tell him people are going to talk and repeat the things yuo say about others. He has such an inflated ego there is no room for me in his life. We do nothing together. I would move out but am currently unemployed. I don’t even want to type the names he has called me, he feels justified in doing so because in his mind I f—– up. I sure did for believing his lies about what a wonderful life we were going to have together. Why are men such jerks?

  10. My boyfriend and I have been together 8 years and for the past 8 years he has accused me of cheating on him, calls me nasty, an asshole and a bitch when we argue. I don’t believe in name calling so I never retaliate with hurtful words. After a few days of not speaking to each other, he’ll apologize to me but at this point I don’t believe his apology to be worth a damn. He says he insults me out of anger and doesn’t mean it-I don’t believe this nonsense either. He is so quick to insult me but when we’re not arguing I hear how much he loves me and how he wants to get married. I have an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship and I can’t afford to move out on my own and pay rent to my BF. I feel so alone and exhausted..

  11. I feel for you. Consider this though, what are you teaching your daughter is ok? Please, try & find a way to leave – it will continue or get worse & both you & your impressionable daughter will be hurt long term.

  12. My hubby likes to say m loose panty if I talk to other guys maybe at work let’s say. What do I do with that plz advice

  13. Anonymous says:

    I think I’m tired of being verbally bullied/ abused by my husband

  14. My boyfriend does the same thing…we have been together for almost 6 years..we had our fights..but i always call.him to try to fix things. But now hes changing a lot.. Now hes calling me names.. Bitch is the big one..he has done it before but now is like every 5 sec..i talked to him like 1000 times about this…and still happen. And every time that i talk 2 him about anything he get irritated or mad. A recent example, yesterday he called me bitch but i was in the bathroom. But i heard. Him perfectly. .. When i whent 2 talk to him. He start telling me that he didnt say anything… And after he said that it wasnt with me..i do love him and i dnt want 2 end our relationship but im getting depressed when he treats me like that.. Can some one please give an advise because i dont know what to do 🙁

  15. I’ve been married for 15 years. I have had chronic fatigue syndrome for about 6 years. I’m 61 and my husband is 73. For years we have had terrible fights where I end up a shattered mess with panic attacks and uncontrollable sobbing. He calls me a bitch, f…wit, stupid and a raft of other names. Tells me to stop blubbering when I fall apart. Sometimes he shocks me with anger that I don’t see coming because I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have. I shake and lose my body heat. I am always the one at fault. He won’t let me leave the room to get away from the arguments. If I don’t use precise language he can’t handle it either.
    Other times..and here is where it gets tricky. He is loving, very intelligent, funny and a good provider.
    But he is also often rude to people in public and seems to get into conflictual situations on a daily basis. He has trouble if things are not straight on a table or for example the coffee table is not quite parallel o the couch. He has a daughter with asbergers.
    Do you think there is a mental problem here. I don’t know how to handle it as I am so tired all the time with CFS.

    • Well, there’s no way for me to tell if there’s a mental illness or disorder involved in your husband’s abusive action. The problem with thinking there might be is that we (meaning normal people) don’t want to blame a sick person for his symptoms. If it turns out he does have a disorder, many of us feel obligated to stay. The problem with abusive people is that they RARELY will seek help for their behavior, let alone admit there may be a problem with their mental health.

      From what you describe, he is abusive for sure. His behavior shows classic abuse of all sorts. Your symptoms and mental health developments point to a risk for YOU to develop PTSD, anxiety or depression. Have you seen someone about those possibilities? If not, please do. You can get some relief with mental health help, but unfortunately, healing completely is impossible while living in abuse.

      In my opinion, it doesn’t matter if he has a mental disorder or not. At this point, it’s you I worry about. I wish I could force you to leave him, to live without his influence for a year, and then compare how you feel then to how you do now. But I can’t force anything of the sort.

      • My husband is very similar. He has also been diagnosed as borderline personality disorder, as well as a narcissist. He called me almost identical names, has anger issues with random strangers & can be volatile on an unpredictable basis. The name calling stopped when he added a death threat. I called 911. Police looked at his records (I kept all the apologetic letters, anger management classes he’d taken in a file, road raging issues) & arrested him. He hasn’t called me a name since or made another threat. Like your husband, he holds a upper tier position & Ive stayed with him as I’ve been a long term housewife, with children in school. My youngest just started university & coincidentally I inherited a nest egg, which changed the dynamics in my family, as his threat to see me destitute no longer has any bearing. I suggest you figure out a way to stand up to him as well as decide on a plan to leave. Life is short & we don’t deserve the abuse.

  16. Hi, I have signed up twice for the emails support, and still have not gotten any notification.
    Sorry to contact on here, I can’t find any other contact option.
    Thank you for having this site, its helping me understand that what I’ve been living for 10 years is called abuse and that I’m a sane woman! I’m ready to live my life how God intended it to be.

  17. Reading these, at least makes me feel like I’m not crazy and that I am not alone…seems like if I try to talk to someone I know about anything, its like well he must be “stressed” and he just had a bad day or that’s just how men are sometimes. I always seem to be stressed but you don’t see me telling someone I am supposed to love, an retarded B*T** and etc. Idk…

  18. My mother, said to me ” I know you. You are my daughter and you are a b***h”. I feel like I have been hit by a train. I haven’t slept in 2 weeks. It was cos she thinks I am stopping her seeing my children aged 14 & 18. Truth is they can see what she does and don’t want to see her. She is alone though and often throws that one in. Names hurt: it’s disrespectful and cruel and mean!

    • Hi Anne, My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. I am sorry you have had to go through this with your mother. It is not an easy position to be in, but one that I do believe you can rise above from. Please know you are not the things she says you are. Those comments are made to hurt you and to keep you under her control. Every abusive relationship, whether parent and child or spouses is about one person wanting power and control over another. Your mother says the things she says so that she can dominate you and control your life (ie you not sleeping). If you can step away from that. Step off that abusive cycle and do your best not to participate. Yes she is probably hurting because her grandchildren will have nothing to do with her, unfortunately though she is taking a typical abusers view and blaming her victim (you) instead of taking responsibility for her actions. She may never admit that this is her fault. It takes quite a few years of counseling for any abuser to see their errors. So keep working on you and being their for your kids (good on them for seeing her for who she is!).

  19. Hey guys, bad guy here I guess. Just looking for some answers myself, so that I can be a better person to my wife. My wife and I had a heated argument about me cheating while we were dating. This was not news to her, but for obvious reasons a sore spot that we are trying to get past. During the heated argument, I did in fact call her a Dumb Bitch, I forgot exactly why but there was some slight reasoning behind it as she had “forgot” to wear her rings that day…no excuse though, as I clearly could have used better wording. It’s been over a week and my words are still bothering her. I do NOT verbally abuse her regularly, words of this nature only come out of my mouth in NASTY argument, as I really do try to not say them. Without putting it in context, am I in fact being a verbal abuser by saying these words in heated arguments? She only as of recent has taken MORE offense to it, as in the past it wasn’t as sensitive of a subject. Yes, I know what I did was wrong, Im just trying to figure out how badly I’m messing up here so that I can change appropriately.

    • Hi Matt,

      Thank you for commenting. My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. You may not want to hear it but name calling is verbal abuse. It does not have to happen all of the time for it to be abuse. Abuse can be a one time event or periodic. I can understand that during a fight it may see like those words slip out, but we are still responsible for what we say. It sounds like your wife has had a lot to absorb, what with the affair and now the name calling, it sounds like things are building up for her. My recommendation is to sit down and talk with her calmly. Let her get out what she needs to say. Some of it may be hard to hear, but it’s important that you listen and no name calling no matter how upset you get. Take care, Janet

  20. Patricia chervenka says:

    I want to leave but it’s hard with not much money. This name calling has been going on for a long time. I. had enough

    • Hi Patricia, Thank you for your comment. My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. It can be hard to leave with no money. I completely understand that. My suggestion is that you start creating a Safety Plan so that you can safely leave this relationship. Please go to this link and download our Safety Plan at Once you open the link please scroll to the bottom to download it for free. Take care Janet

  21. anonymous lady says:

    Wow. I am reading all of this. Everything is so familiar. I have horror stories. Some of the things that have been too brutal to talk about. I am afraid to leave, because I am older and I don’t make the money I need to. I think that he constant abuse and being upset freezes my ability. Sometimes I hurt emotionally and physically for a month.
    How do you get yourself out?

  22. Anonymous says:

    Well, for 30 years i’ve asked my husband not to call me certain names, and he still does it. It’s almost like giving him ammo, by letting him know what hurts most. I try not to retaliate, but sometimes after listening to him rant and rave and deliberately try to hurt me, i have enough and say mean things to him. Right now i’m being “punished” for daring to stand up to him. I’m a fat cow and he isn’t going to have sex with me anymore. I responded with, “good. It sucks anyway.” Fat cow and pig seem to be some favorite names with abusers.

  23. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years we have our up and downs. I know that I am not perfect but I think I have tried to be better. 7 yrs ago we moved to the mountains so the drive to work is about 35 min well I don’t drive so he brings me into work and then he picks me up. He doesn’t make me pay any bills. I do pitch in for food. I try to keep the house up ECT.,.. so when ever we fight he throws. It in my face I do every thing for you go live in a box see how you like that. Or pack a bag I’m taking you to town you can stay at you daughters
    I really love this guy but we don’t physical sex. I give him a bj once in awhile and that’s it I don’t know what to do I don’t see myself with anyone but him. But be call anything from bitch to stupid to retarded is beyond rediculous.

    • Annette, let me be honest, how he is treating is not love. Love is not name calling, love is not threats, love is trust and respect. Abuse is never love. You do not deserve this treatment. You are worthy of a healthy love and a life free of abuse. Please think about ending this relationship.

    • Dear Annette, my partner used to call me average, a liar, a cheat and various other things. He told me that he was going to ‘train me’. He told me how unlucky he was to be with me. He told me I wouldn’t find anyone like him. He told me that many guys were interested in him. Good, they can have him. Let yours go to Annette.

  24. Donna Brown says:

    I been married for 14 years to my husband and my relationship with my husband always been bad now some days I have good days with him and others days are really bad I use to get hit on by him to the point the police was called and he went to jail and did a year in prison now am getting called out of my name half of the time he’s happy then he’s upset for no reason at all then he’s mad at me starts yelling at me am trying to make it work but its getting to the point where its getting to hard to handle i already been thinking about leaving him and already been coming up with ideals in my head how am going to leave him

  25. My mother is constantly calling me a cunt or bitch and saying that I wish you were never born or I should have gave you up for adoption. I’m tired of dealing with this and it breaks me away from her every time. What should I do?

  26. my partner of 11 years calls me names but sais them in a manner as to think he is just being silly and not nasty he well say things like oi ugly shouts it if im in another room or wentch get me a drink he also puts his finger in my face just moving it around under my nose or in my face and tugs my hair or slapps my bum but qut hard i tell him i dont like it but he still does it i tell him its a form of abuse but he says its not i just bite to easy so he does it this abuse

  27. I was a verbally abusive person. I don’t know whether I am still. The relationship is no more. When I get angry, I act mad I call names and was very abusive. After sometime I feel guilty over what I did, I cry and blame myself for what I did. I don’t know why I act that way when I get angry. I curse myself for being that person. I cry and ask myself why am I like this? Why can’t I be normal. And in all the forums it is always against the abuser and no where it is to help the abuser.

    • Hi, My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. I applaud you for acknowledging your actions and for wanting to get help. Verbal Abuse Journals is written from the aspect of the Survivor as the author Kellie Jo Holly is a Survivor herself. This is what she knows. Have you googled for any support systems for abusive people or perhaps seeking out a counsellor would help. A counsellor may also have connections to support groups for you. I wish you luck on your journey.

      • Ananonomous says:

        I would like to get help for my wife….I fear she is insecure due to her gaining weight from thyroid surgery and from past physical and verbal abuse, so when she becomes angry I suddenly become scum…although I never hit, cuss, ir verbally assault her in any way shape form or fashion…yet I am diagnosed by her…with no high school diploma mind you as a “narcissistic pig”….low life…piece of s##t…..when tings are not going perfectly.
        I am in upper management, and sometimes wonder if she feels inadequate and is trying to break my self esteem.
        Then a day or so go’s by and it’s as if life is perfect and she loves me again.
        At at my wits end, and only wished I had studied psychology

      • Whatever the reason for her abuse, there’s no way you can make her change. You can point out what you don’t like in the relationship and she can change it if she chooses. Otherwise, you just have to decide if living with such a monster is worth your sanity and self-esteem. You don’t need to have studied psychology to understand what’s going on. Look into “the abusive cycle” or “the cycle of violence.” Here’s a page to get you started:

  28. I’ve been reading the posts of people on here and light bulbs go off everywhere. I’ve had 8 abusive relationships now yet, like some point out, they’ve become normalized. I expect to be abused in my relationships…and before anyone says to me if I expect abusive relationships that’s what I’ll get please refrain from such statements. I am not a good looking man and I have a disability and deformity that many have told me over the years is why I should expect what I get. I’ve been called the Elephant Man and many many other awful names. I’ve had everything thrown at me, from physical violence, psychological violence, extensive gaslighting across the internet, set ups, ambushes (even on a disability dating site), bullying, threats, my deformity described in intimate detail online and laughed at, computer hacked and misused, I’ve been robbed three times, had property damaged, sexual assault…the list goes on and on. Even my parents told me that they expected I would be treated like I do. They were correct to believe that. I’ve been told many times that I am so ugly and deformed that I should realize it and move on. Only recently I was told that given what I look like why would anyone want to be with me. I’ve asked that question repeatedly and come to realise, based on my experience, that I am only exposing myself to abuse and mistreatment by letting people into my life. I am also always blamed for what happens and yet I walk innocently into yet another one and they always turn things around to make it my fault. Even little things too like my recent ‘partner’ told me when, where and how I should eat my ice cream…I was berated as I started to eat my ice cream before we sat down in a particular place! He would accuse me of cheating if I didn’t answer the phone straight away (I was, of course driving or in the shower or outside mowing the lawn), but he blamed me and made it my problem. I have never had a relationship that hasn’t involved abuse (large and small) and result in catastrophic outcomes…never ever ever. Every man that enters my life derails it to catastrophic proportions. The only way to stop that is to have no close relationships of any kind.

    If you really want to know what my life has been like then you need look no further than Joseph Merrick’s life as it mirrors mine right down to the tiniest detail. So much so that it shocked me. I had cancer at 17, disability, deformity, 20 operations, hospitalization averaging every six months for nearly 40 years, MRSA twice and I’ve tried suicide three times and carved words into my body with a knife. I believe that my recent ‘partner’ even attempted to me murder. I received a physical injury in that relationship that led to me having a ruptured appendix the worst the hospital had seen so far this year. I knew after that injury that I had sustained some form of serious internal injury and sure enough ruptured appendix. I know that I’ve now had 7 near death experiences.
    Five years ago I went to see a different psychologist for the third time in recent memory. I was informed at the end that I was the worst case they had ever seen. So much so that despite her training my case had affected her. In the last 5 years since those counselling sessions I’ve had much much more. I now have serious PTSD. I expect a catastrophe every 3 to 6 months. I used ask my mother ‘when will it get better mum?’ to which she replied ‘next year son’. It never came. My mum passed away three years ago. I’d still ask her every year since she passed but not this year. This year I didn’t ask cuz I knew a catastrophe (followed by more) would be imminent. Sure enough 2 months into the year and 2 major catastrophes struck at the same time including the life threatening appendix rupture caused by an injury inflicted on me. I will never ask mum ‘when will it get better?’ ever again.

    I now want to give up. I do not want a relationship, nor have any close associations of any kind, from now on and for the rest of my life. I want to isolate, I do not want to show my heart to anyone and I want massive big walls put up around me where no human can penetrate. To me being open, or allowing people into my life is actually a dangerous thing. Experience has absolutely concreted that understanding and now I need to act on it for ever more.

    I wish you all good luck with your lives, hopefully this year or next will be good for you.

  29. Oh and by the way my partner constantly told me I look best in low light or the dark. That’s not love…never was. I had so called ‘friends’ laugh at my disability/deformity. I’m so used to being treated cruelly by people in my life that I think isolation is the best thing for me now.

  30. Victoria says:

    My husband hides behind his Christian mask. He pursued me immediately after he divorced his first wife. He told me all the things I wanted to here and was quite charming…lasted 6 mos into the marriage. The first real sign of abuse cam out of nowhere and I was shocked . He apologized the next day for as he called it ” being a brat”. The cycle had begun. He borrowed money from my inheritance and promised( in writing and notarized it) to pay me back. We made a deal as to how he would pay me and he reneged. When he inherited his farm he told me I would never see a penny and that he was leaving it to his kids. He also said I should not have lent him my inheritance and that since mine was cash and his was land that made all the difference. The name calling is rarely profane usually he says I am a psycho, crazy and demonized . He lies without any conscience about it. He sells things that are mine and gives money to his kids from his first marriages. He hangs out around his ex eats with her and the whole family. Tonight he told me he wants a wife who will wait on him and serve his every need; someone who would love him. When I said I was looking for the same in a husband he said well look elsewhere. He sides with my ex who is a narcissist and says no wonder he left you ( I actually finally left him). We are headed for divorce which should make him jump for joy. He will finally be rid of the demonic plague he tells everyone he’s dealing with ,but now he says it will be a bad testimony to others. Too much garbage for me. I have lost so much , 17 yrs of my life. He tried to alienate my kids( they were always my kids and his kids never our kids together), he finagled 60 grand of my inheritance and he still feels god is on his side. I can never be accepted by god unless I believe what he says is true and I am destined to burn in hell…but he and god love me. The manipulation is crazy. He spends as much as he can on his wants. In all the years of our marriage all we have purchased in household items is a water heater , fridge , stove and washer and dryer;still have my 30 yr old mattress. I came with my own car fully paid for ; he had none. He gladly drove mine into the ground toting his kids here and there. He has a handicapped son so he uses this for sympathy. I am close with this young man ,none the less he has been used to guilt me into endless giving. I worked for years then finally retired and all he does is tell me about hard working women , implying I’m not. He says I am obsessively clean ( yet not hard working?) and that offends people. I am a clean and organized person that is true. He finds this offensive , but loved it while we were dating , because his ex was messy and lazy…god heard his pray and gave him me…now I am demonized. So in the end my story is not of violent abuse with profane names, but it is psychological manipulation deceit and the god tool. I am leaving and it islong over due. Thank you for a place to vent. To those who have it similar or worse be kind to yourself and your loved ones and get out. You are a gem and you must treasure who you are and quit waiting for your partner to validate you. Abusers never will. Oh, my husband is winning souls to Christ so if you need help he can show you the way. I am a lost cause on my way to hell, ( and the lawyer) I am packing light.. I hear it is warm down there.!

  31. My husband called me an a**hole after ditching me in the grocery store to sit in the car and told me to shop by myself. After that I start to get the cart and finish the shopping and you know what I fallowed him to the car then he calls me an ahole then I pointed my finger at him and said don’t call me that really loud his eyes got wide cuz I don’t do this when he throws a fit it felt good not to hold it in today

  32. Although this seems like a good idea and a good tactic, it will not work for me. You see, in my situation, it is my own mother verbally abusing me. She always calls me a bitch or she says i’m annoying and that I don’t know my place and that I shouldn’t think so highly of myself. How should I approach this situation when it happens again? If i react the way that this article tells me to, I’m afraid that she will only abuse me more, and might even hit me. It’s getting to the point where my emotions are getting out of hand. My mother has no way of being able to handle her anger either. I feel that if she got this form her own mother, considering she was also verbally abused as a child. How do I get her to recognize what she’s doing?

    • Hi D, My name is Janet and I work here at Verbal Abuse Journals. I am not sure if your mother will see what she is doing. I think the important thing to do is focus on you and looking after yourself. Do you live with your mother? If you do are you old enough to leave? This does not sound like a healthy environment and you do not deserve it. I would also suggest seeing a counsellor to work through all of the understandable emotions you are feeling. Focus on getting you healthy. I know we want our abuser to see the light, but I encourage you not to spend too much energy on that as she will only see it if she wants to no matter what you say or do. I would also start setting boundaries with her. Let her know what behaviour you will and will not accept and stick to that. Abusers do not like boundaries, they like to trample them so that they can hurt their victim, but you deserve to have boundaries to protect your well being. It is not easy to do at first for most, but I encourage you to even say to her, “When you start yelling at me I am going to walk away”, one this diffuses the situation and two you are looking after your health. She probably won’t like this and may escalate in her abuse but letting her know that you have boundaries that you are going to stick to is important in you taking your power back in your life. I wish you all the best.

    • Anonymous says:

      My husband calls me nasty ugly c word. He gets drunk and punches holes in walls, cupboards, doors and my truck window, etc. He calls me ugly and tells me nobody will ever want me. He says he is so much better looking than me that I should have sex with him whenever he wants. He has pulled my hair twice both while drunk. He drinks just to get drunk. How can you hate someone and love them at the same time? He is nice to me most of the time but when we fight he always takes off his wedding ring like it means nothing to him. He has tried flushing it down the toilet, threw it at me a bunch of times and it really bothers me. He flirts with woman in front of me and says I can do whatever I want. His phone is always in silent and has a passcode. He is always hiding it when he gets messages. I know he is a huge liar and I don’t trust him.

  33. Hey, my “parents” call me names like moron, idiot, stupid, retard(ed) (because I’m autistic and they know it and just think that I’m stupid), asshole, communist/liberal piece of shit (because I’m a Democrat and they’re freedom-hating, conservative Republicans (no offense to Republicans)), motherfucker, bitch, slut, whore, cunt, prostitute and some more names that no parent should ever say to their kids of any age. They also keep threatening to kick me out if I don’t do what they want. Is all of this abuse?

    • Yes. It is abuse. Contact or for assistance.

      • Thank you very much. I’ll try to contact either hotline.

      • I am in this relationship, it’s so beautiful we’ve got dreams of a brighter future, Marriage, kids, “happily ever after’ but I really can’t tell when it became abusive, all I recall is him calling me names such as “dumb, blockhead,’ one day he said my parents wasted money funding my education, so much more another day he said I ruin things, if he let me handle his business I’ll ruin it just the same way I’d ruin his life, he left me to go home all by my self, it was a really dangerous area for a lady to go through late in the night but he didn’t care if I got robbed or any worse thing happened to me. He makes me feel it’s my fault, I missed his call for 4minutes and he’ll was loosened on me but he can ignore my call for days, hours nothing happens, I really do not know how to go about This. I’ve heard of abusive relationships but never did I think I was actually in one. I’m so scared I don’t know how to go about This.

  34. My husband shouts at me in a flick of a second and calls me stupid and good for nothing and also says that since I am his wife i should learn to tackle his behaviour or else he will have to get another wife….pls advice

  35. Yomomma says:

    My dad is verbally abusive. His apparent inability to see the problem in his behavior is astounding. I’m finally out of that house-even though he tried to get me to stay! After all the constant bitching and rage fits he pitches because of how much others in the house do things wrong-he wanted me to stay?? -_- Just thinking about it pisses me off. A whole fucking lot.

  36. Sk Buttermore says:

    Well my husband has started this new,thing where if he dont get his way im mean and after he says what he say then he tells me he didnt hear me then he trys yonrun me overvif i stand close to him i get so anger and hurt i go to bed and the next day i dont day anything to i tell him i dont want to be here i dont want to be treated the way he wants to treat me i dont feel the love cuz he wont help me its like we are ppl who are just roommates i have no anwser for this behavior he is giving off hurt

  37. Bewildered says:

    Last night in a simple argument, which started bc I had rebooted my phone and was using a laptop to access my email to fill out a job application, he saw me getting frustrated, he asked what was wrong and in the moment I didn’t have the answer I said my password, it’s always been the same and it’s not working, my phone was rebooting and I couldn’t access my password, anyway he got angry, I asked what the problem was he said you never let anyone help you, as he started yelling, he’s a former Army Sgt I asked him two questions ” what do you want me to do? Do you want me to leave?” I didn’t mean that as a threat to leave him however he took it that way however what followed left me speechless and shattered, my husband made me quit my job bc of the way I was treated told me I didn’t have to work bc I was recently diagnosed with RA and I help take care of his mother, he says, find a Fn job, good luck with that he says and I better not ask him for a Fn thing, which in any other convo he always says I don’t ask for anything period, I’m an Fn B, knit wit and a cunt. He proceeding to talk poorly of my family, we’ve been together for 8 years, married coming up on 3 years. And as he was saying these things to me I saw nothing in his eyes, I held back my tears, I survived a physically abusive relationship and he is well aware of my boundaries, I now feel like I’m in a verbally and emotionally abusive one, he’s been snapping at me for two weeks. I really need some advice here bc if I leave I’m homeless and jobless. I love this man but I fear the respect is gone and he has no feelings for me at all.

  38. Watching Big Brother.
    The abuse that is going on in that game is out of order and the show should be charged with abuse. That is no game, but a serious showmanship of verbal manipulation. I feel sorry for the poeple involved. It’s more like a cult than a real life tv. What a nightmare!

  39. Stalking and manipulation after VA is aubuse.

  40. This is my first relationship with name calling (and other stuff). 5 years. And I was married for 11 years before this relationship so i do know a thing or two. One day, when I was really down, I typed every name he called me and it was two pages, double spaced. I just put everything down on paper and looked at it. I was devastated. Then I went to his house, brought a copy for him and said I was worthless (because I believed his words). He somehow turned it all around and ended up in fetal position on the couch, crying that I was scaring him I would kill myself and how ‘mean’ that was to do to him. Sure, I was foolish to bring him a copy. But I’m sure I was furious, too and wanted him to see it in black and white. It’s awful. He never, ever apologizes either so we don’t have the ‘I’m sorry’ cycle. Not once. He has broken things in my home (of course not in his) and told me, ‘You pushed me too far’. I love this man, adore him. Would do anything for him, clearly. I keep thinking if I just don’t ‘stress him out’, if I don’t ’cause (him) to worry 24/7′, if I just say the right things when we have dinner with his parents (he berates me all the way home and sometimes says, ‘Stop! Just stop!’ during dinner). I wasn’t raised like this, never saw men like this, even my ex husband. Wish all us on this site could find each other and help each of us get out of this junk. It feels so isolating and lonely. I still am not sure it’s all his fault.

  41. Lorrie Ramirez says:

    I truly believe there are more women who have experienced verbal abuse by men than I EVER realized. My hope is that there are men who are emotionally stable. There is NO WOMAN on the face of this earth who deserves this horrendous verbal, mental and emotional abuse. These behaviors are due to mental and emotional instability from their spouse. If the abuser doesn’t get mental health care at best will NEVER change. I CHOOSE NOT TO LIVE THIS WAY. If a man doesn’t and is NOT capable of conducting a relationship with love and RESPECT, you are better off leaving this pathetic man. I have read all these blogs and appreciate the great advice for all these very sad stories. I believe each and every woman needs to be honest with herself and THINK with your HEAD and NOT your heart.

  42. Hi I called my husband a c**t last night. He refused to drive me to the shop and I called him a selfish c**t and walked to the shop. Afterwards he made a joke about it and we are OK again I think. But Im afraid that I really hurt him with the words. I want to phone him and apologise but he is acting like everything is fine now and I think that I might be better off not bringing it up again and just working on controlling my temper. I love him very much and really didn’t mean what I said. I feel really guilty because of it. BTW I know this is really small compared to what some others are going through .

  43. My husband resorts to getting very loud when he gets angry. He brings up everything that’s ever happened between us in the last 3 years. More often than not he will call me stupid, idiot, piece of shit … he’s called me a c*** quite a few times, he’s called me a b****. He likes to say he doesn’t give a f*** and tells me to f*** off. He compares me to my mom. If I cry while he’s yelling at me, he calls me crazy. He completely shuts off and becomes very cold. Then he gives me the silent treatment for a couple days. I can accurately predict everything he’s going to say during an argument because it’s always the same.

    Whenever I bring up something I’m upset about he gets angry. He says I deserve to be spoken to like that. He justifies his anger and hurtful words by saying I’m the one who started it and I have no respect. He always throws something I did (or didn’t do) in my face to justify his reaction.

    Sometimes I retaliate and scream back. Which never ends well. I’ve also tried telling him not to talk to me like that but he just scoffs and says whatever. I’ve also told him to just stop but he keeps going and going. I’ve also tried sitting there in silence as he berates – nothing seems to work.

    He’s such a great guy – until he gets angry. We both have bad tempers but it seems he always resorts to cussing and screaming at me. Every little argument turns into a huge fight and a string of silent days.

    I don’t know what to do anymore.

What do you think? Tell us!