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# Kellie Jo Holly: Abuse Hides in Darkness. Turn on Your Light.

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## Posts
- [I Didn’t Know It Was Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2018/08/it-was-abuse/): One morning, while applying waterproof mascara, I looked into my eyes and saw it. Nothing. My eyes didn't shine or pop; there was no light. Where did I go? Where was my soul?
- [Choosing to Stay in an Abusive Relationship](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2018/08/choosing-stay-abusive-relationship/): Choosing to stay in an abusive relationship is a valid choice. Despite the horrors of an abusive relationship, sometimes abused people choose to stay with their abuser. Staying doesn't mean you'll be happy, but sometimes staying for now or forever seems like the only thing you can do.
- [Flat-Lining in Domestic Abuse Recovery](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2016/05/flatlining-domestic-abuse-recovery/): Stephen Covey says to "live out of your imagination, not your history." Depression, suicidal thoughts, hate, despair and hopelessness result when I live out of the mindset of my past. It's as if he is abusing me all over again.
- [Hindsight Can’t Help Me But Could Help You Understand Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2015/03/hindsight-to-help-you/): Hindsight shows me my mistakes in thinking. It shows me how my love for him blinded me. Maybe if you can see my hindsight before it happens to you, you'll get OUT. I now understand that no choice he presented to me would end the abuse. I left the Army-abuse continued. Got pregnant-abuse continued. Doing as told=abuse.
- [My Abusive Marriage Recap](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2015/03/my-abusive-marriage-recap/): While reorganizing this website, I came across some pages that don't fit the site any longer. But I didn't want to get rid of their brief synopses of the abuse suffered through the years. So I thought I'd add them to a brand new page and see if brevity works as well as a deep explanation for my readers.
- [Abuse Is Never Love But I Wanted It to Be](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2015/02/abuse-is-never-love-but-i-wanted-it-to-be/): What I didn't understand at the time was that if Will wanted to lash out at me, it did not matter what I said or did or how I said or did it. The purpose of yelling at me, accusing me of lying, telling me I was a horrid mother, insisting I was cheating and all the rest was to keep me off balance. To keep me confused. To keep me explaining myself to him so he did not have to explain himself to me.
- [#TheDayItStarted](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/12/day-started/): Red Door Productions introduces #TheDayItStarted as a prompt for abuse victims to tell about their earliest memory of domestic abuse.
- [Triggered & Angry – Healing from Domestic Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/12/triggered-angry/): Anyone experiencing repeated traumas as with domestic abuse can be triggered unexpectedly. Even so, identifying triggers leads us to better mental health because once we identify the triggers, we can stop them from hurting us.
- [Nothing on My Mind – Memories of Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/12/nothing-on-my-mind-abuse/): The effects of abuse last longer than I hoped. I am healing from it, but memories continue to assault my mind. I just want to be healed. Now.
- [Vulnerability](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/11/vulnerability/): I feel that anyone could lethally wound me with a glance. I feel exposed to many elements of my mind; exposed and in danger, not exposed and protected. My fiance, Jarimie, wants to protect me when I feel vulnerable. But how can he protect me from myself?
- [Today Is Better Than Dreadful Thanks to Intuition](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/11/today-better-dreadful/): Fortunately, today is a better day thanks to the helpful people I found while following my intuition. I know, beyond a doubt, that I am capable of surviving without a car, without a home, without a job and without a shower. The intuition I used to build the support network I needed to leave my ex-husband proved its flexibility to get me off the street and into an apartment. Into a job. I survived.
- [The Homeless Chapter](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/10/homeless-chapter/): I don't know much. At least I know I don't know much. Life takes twists and turns that seemed impossible only days before. Now, more than any other time in my life, I am uncertain what tomorrow brings.
- [Women Hit More Than Men But Men Do More Damage](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2013/09/women-hit-more/): We've taught our young men about domestic violence, but got the message to our girls that only guys can be held accountable for it. It's time we taught our daughters to keep their hands and feet to themselves, too.
- [Face Forward Restores Faces Maimed by Domestic Violence](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2013/04/domestic-violence-face-forward/): "Face Forward works with community leaders around the nation to identify victims of violence who are legitimately working toward recovery and who carry the physical evidence of past abuse," namely, the kind of abuse you see in the mirror, every day, that reminds you of your abusive past.
- [North Carolina Survivors of Domestic Abuse: The Healthy Marriage Act](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2013/03/the-healthy-marriage-act-north-carolina-survivors-domestic-abuse/): The Healthy Marriage Act will not benefit victims of domestic abuse or their children. It is impossible to successfully counsel the victim and the abuser as a couple. By the time victims of domestic abuse decide to leave and initiate the current one-year separation, too much damage is done to the relationship for it to ever be "normal" or "healthy" in any way.
- [What Do You Pray For?](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2013/03/what-do-you-pray-for/): Long ago, in the trenches of my abusive marriage, I prayed for strength and courage. God delivered - She gave me experiences that required strength and courage so I could hone those skills! That wasn't exactly what I meant.
- [Inspirational Blogs](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2013/02/inspirational-blogs/): We may suffer, we may cry, but we all have the free will to choose how we deal with our pain. Submitting to abuse causes you to deny who you are and trash the unique qualities, abilities and experiences given to you. What a waste of a great human.
- [Life-Changing Workbook](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2013/02/life-changing-workbook/): Why would you need a life-changing workbook? Well, do you feel like you're pointlessly mucking about in life? Are you barely doing what you must (and a bunch of other things that don't seem to matter much)? This lifestyle leaves you little time to reach your goals, or to think about goals at all. Every day is the same, hurried and unfocused; what you need is time to think.
- [Abuse And The Quest For Perfection](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2013/01/abuse-quest-for-perfection/): "Perfection" bedevils many of us, myself included. Perhaps you suffer from it yourself. I could blame my experience with abuse for it because, as you well know, abusers expect perfection from us victims. Not our idea of perfection, but their idea of the perfect wife, husband, child or friend.
- [Life with an Abuser Vs Life with Freedom and Choice](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/12/life-with-an-abuser/): I left my life with an abuser almost three years ago, and the real roller coaster of life revealed itself. On the uphill climbs, I feel simultaneously excited and worried about reaching the top. Sitting on the peak, before the thrilling plummet, I feel on top of my game, as if nothing can break me. The ride down leaves me breathless, heart pounding, and then, as everyone who's ridden a roller coaster knows, there is a period of hairpin turns and loops; during this part of the ride I feel out of control and uncomfortable.
- [Verbal Abuse Is The Driving Force in Abusive Relationships](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/12/verbal-abuse-driving-force/): Domestic abuse involves more than sexual and physical violence. It includes mental and emotional abuse at least and, whether obscure or obvious, verbal abuse in relationships is the core method of control for abusers. Verbal abuse is more than name calling, more than yelling. Verbal abuse is insidious and tricky, but very real.
- [My Helpful Friend Is Really A Control Freak!](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/12/friend-control-freak/): I have a friend who is as controlling as my ex, but in a different way. She comes to my new place calls my kid’s toys & clothing junk. She makes judgement calls on my other friends insisting that they are holding me back, but she is the one who won’t let me move forward! I feel obligated to her because she supported me during my abusive relationship.
- [Honor Your Fear and Act](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/12/honor-your-fear-and-act/): If you are afraid, there is a reason.  Explore it before you're in imminent danger.  Even if your abuser has never laid a hand on you, if your intuition tells you something is going to happen, trust yourself.
- [Your Way To Get Out of an Abusive Relationship](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/08/get-out-of-an-abusive-relationship/): I'm struck by how similar our stories about abuse really are. We all immediately recognize facets of our own horrible relationship in someone else's telling of theirs. But the answers to "How do I get out of an abusive relationship?" doesn't seem to have as many commonalities except for the underlying feeling of...
- [Mothers Separated From Children: One Way to Connect If The Abuser Wins Custody](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/07/mothers-separated-from-children/): And if you do lose custody, "a study of cases brought to appeal showed reversals in the mothers’ favor when domestic violence was considered" (Daniel Saunders, PhD). So always appeal an initial horrible judgment, and find an attorney who is well-versed in domestic violence from the get go.
- [Abuse Affects the Wise](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/07/abuse-issues-affect-wise/): No one - no one - waits forever. Think good things for yourself because what you think becomes your reality. Dream big and plan flexibly. Envision a life without abuse and no, that life is not necessarily minus your current abuser.
- [Letters About Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/07/letters-about-abuse/): In the months after leaving my abusive husband, there was so much I wanted to explain to my boys! My oldest son’s anger was heavy and dense. I could reach out and touch my youngest son’s broken heart on his sleeve. I wanted so badly to explain my side of things…but I couldn’t.
- [Anxiety From Domestic Abuse Is Tough To Deal With!](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/06/anxiety-abuse/): Anxiety is a big deal for abuse victims, past and present. Sometimes I still find my heart racing at sounds that remind me of my "old life" in my abusive marriage. Fortunately, now I recognize my anxiety instead of not feeling it. Anxiety was such a huge part of my life when I lived with my abuser that I completely, unconsciously, ignored it.
- [What Does “Recovery From Abuse” Mean To You?](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/06/recovery-from-abuse-meaning/): Some people think "recovery from abuse" means you're able to hold quality relationships with family, friends and a new partner. Others consider recovery to mean they've reclaimed themselves, feel strong, and have their life back.
- [Ending an Abusive Relationship](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/06/ending-an-abusive-relationship/): Ending an abusive relationship begins by telling someone what you are going through. Don't continue suffering in silence. Talk about it.
- [‘You Hate Men!’ Is Diversion . . . and Retraumatization](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/05/you-hate-men/): Telling me that my rape is the source of our problems is a diversion. It turns me away from whatever Will is doing and causes me to examine myself. By blaming my past for our current problems is also wrong. Will blames me for our problems without taking any responsibility for his behavior.
- [Trophy Wife – Side Effects of Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/05/trophy-wife-side-effects-abuse/): The image you see here shows my state of mind soon after our wedding. The colors show brightly enough, the flowers are rather pretty. But the women undergo sad transitions. The signs of abuse are here, hidden by brightly colored flowers.
- [Inspiration to Leave Your Abusive Relationship: Liberty or Death?](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/11/inspiration-to-leave-your-abusive-relationship-liberty-or-death/): My Thanksgiving weekend would not be complete without remembering our great country and its roots in the ultimate desire for freedom. Of course, I am grateful that almost 240 years ago, brave men and women fought for America's freedom from the abuse and oppression of the British crown; I am also grateful that I fought for my freedom from abusive oppression in my life.
- [Overcome Anxiety and Fear: Exorcise The Demon Meditation](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/07/exorcising-demon/): For example, when I admitted to myself that the demon in my marriage was ABUSE, the abuse held less power over me. The demon flared up in a fiery attempt to terrify me, yet, after its temper tantrum, I stood strong and continued to call it by name. Will thinks I demonized him, but I think I demonized his behavior.
- [Shutting Up for Many Reasons: Some Valid, Some Not](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/07/shutting-up/): Last year, I tapered off from this blog because I was afraid of what would come of it in court. Nothing came of it in court. This blog was either irrelevant or the battle didn't get nasty enough for his attorney to use it.
- [I Appreciate You](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/07/appreciate-you/): Lately I've been thinking about you, the readers of this blog. You readers are my core; without you, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to continue the leaving process after it begun. Without you, I think I may have resigned myself to more years of abuse - maybe I would have stayed until I died.
- [Pride Revisited](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/07/pride-revisited/): Last year, I wrote a story called Pride and Greed about how those two sins work together to create an abusive relationship. But now that I think about it, the story is not quite right. I mean, the story helped me to understand how Will and I "happened", but it's off somehow. The story is off if you consider Pride to be a complete and utter sin.
- [Promise Me A Rose Garden](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/06/promise-rose-garden/): A few months after I'd left Will, I had worked through the grief stage and moved into such a euphoric state that I thought it would never end. I thought to myself, "So this is what I've been missing all these years!" and with a smile and artsy flourish of my wrist, I chucked my last 11 anti-depressants into the trash.
- [You Can’t Make Your Abuser Abuse You](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/06/cannot-make-abuser-abuse-you/): You can't make your abuser abuse you. The responsibility for abusing falls directly on the shoulders of the perpetrator, not the victim. Yet so many victims (me too!) want to somehow make the abuse "our fault". I think that I wanted to accept responsibility for the abuse because if I caused it, then I could end it.
- [Depression After Leaving Abusive Relationship: Spiraling](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/05/depression-after-leaving-abusive-relationship/): Depression today has the same purpose as it had during my abusive relationship: to dull the good, feel the bad, and then try to fix me. But I'm not broken. My brain chemistry is broken. Domestic violence and abuse broke my brain.
- [Dream World of Abuse in Relationships](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/04/dream-world/): I wrote this some time ago, before leaving my abuser:
- [Anniversary Anxiety Related to Domestic Violence](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/02/anniversary-anxiety/): February 1st last year was on Monday. Will and I had gone to court the Thursday before, and I had told the judge I agreed that he could see the boys. That first weekend, he wouldn't take them because he hadn't received his paperwork and was afraid that I would call the law on him after he picked up the boys.
- [One Year Out of My Abusive Marriage: The Moonlight Dance](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/01/moonlight-dance/): The subconscious dance I participated in with my ex-husband steals my thoughts today. I want to look deep inside the belly of the beast inside myself and paint a true portrait of my abusive marriage with my own blood.
- [Share What You Know About Domestic Violence and Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/01/radio-show-posted/): The interview I did with Gary Copeland as host is posted at Healthy Place Mental Health Radio Show and titled My Verbally Abusive Marriage.
- [Guess What? Interview about abuse on HealthyPlace.com](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/01/guess/): I'm going to be interviewed on Healthy Place Radio on Wednesday, January 5th at 8pm CST, 9pm EST!
- [Last Year](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/12/year/): I know there's no "loser" in my brain. The words I speak to myself are so far from tired and depleted that I almost cannot remember writing that entry, almost cannot remember feeling that worthless and guilty.
- [I Wish He Could Move Past the Past](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/12/what-to-say/): Life goes on; some days are wonderful, some surprising, some plain sad. Sometimes I wish for the happy ending to my marriage that I'll never have - "happy" in that we would die of old age after years of peacefully and joyfully rocking on our porch.
- [Trusting Myself Works](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/10/trusting/): Recently, my friend's daughter has launched a seek and destroy campaign against him. She's pulled up facts (and rumors) from his past and attempted to make people believe they're current activities (i.e. heroin addiction! among other crap).  She's another self-absorbed controller unleashing her special brand of evil into the world.
- [Leaving But Not Yet Free](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/10/leaving-free/): He and I have children together. I am connected to him for the rest of my life, through them. Although our vows to love, honor and cherish fell by the wayside, "for better or worse, 'til death do we part" holds strong. Some promises can't be taken back.
- [My Real World is Different From What He Described](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/10/my-real-world/): When I left my husband, I had no idea of the purity of life that would engulf me in these following months. I met people who said what they meant. I met people who could be upset without letting their tempers spill over into conversation with me, toward me. I met people who don't have to make someone else feel small in order to feel better about themselves.

## Pages
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- [No Access](https://verbalabusejournals.com/no-access/)
- [Categories List](https://verbalabusejournals.com/categories-list/): Here's a simple list of categories used on VerbalAbuseJournals.com
- [Overcoming Verbal Abuse in 5 Critical Steps](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/overcoming-verbal-abuse-5-critical-steps/): Overcoming verbal abuse can entail a long and difficult recovery process, but it is possible with the right plan of action and support. When you seek professional help, practice self-care, create boundaries, build a support system, and practice forgiveness (not what you think it is!), you can create healthy relationships and allow your authentic self to shine. Here are five proven strategies for overcoming verbal abuse that will help you heal faster.
- [Emotions After Leaving Your Abuser](https://verbalabusejournals.com/leaving-abusive-relationship/emotions-after-leaving-your-abuser/): Escaping an abusive relationship involves more than having a safety plan and walking out the door. In addition to the logistical planning, you also must plan for some confusing emotions after leaving your abuser. The loaded emotions create a minefield that my therapist didn't prepare me for. But I hope to help you avoid some of those mines.
- [Healing Emotional Trauma in Recovery](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/healing-emotional-trauma-in-recovery/): The Manitoba Trauma Information & Education Centre1 states the stages of healing emotional trauma are:
- [Too Fast Too Soon: A Commitment Red Flag](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/how-to-avoid-abuse-in-future-relationships/too-fast-too-soon-commitment-red-flag/): The too fast too soon red flag I mention in the following video has to do with
- [Top 12 Signs of Abuse in Your Future](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/how-to-avoid-abuse-in-future-relationships/signs-of-abuse-in-your-future/): What are the signs of abuse to watch out for when you meet a new guy or gal? We know you cannot tell who will abuse you by looking at them. Most likely, if the new person in your life is an abuser, they will sweep you off your feet and make you feel like a million bucks before taking off the mask and revealing the monster within.
- [Domestic Violence Problems](https://verbalabusejournals.com/domestic-violence-problems/): Domestic violence is a bigger problem than we realized because it affects not only the abused person but that person’s entire social system (family, friends, colleagues, children, economy, etc.). We cannot afford to consider domestic violence as "just a family affair" like in the past. The disease of domestic violence spreads far and wide, infecting every person in the United States. Domestic violence affects you whether you realize it or not.
- [Do You Want Your Abuser Back?](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/do-you-want-your-abuser-back/): The stress of untangling YOU from THEM can make you want your abuser back. It sucks, but it’s true.
- [Diagnosing PTSD with the DSM-5](https://verbalabusejournals.com/domestic-violence-problems/ptsd-domestic-abuse/diagnosing-ptsd-dsm5/): The DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition), tells us there are eight criteria for diagnosing PTSD. The three criteria that must be present for a PTSD diagnosis are:
- [Emotional Drama Is Not Love](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/emotional-drama-is-not-love/): Emotional drama is not love. It is manufactured by the abuser during the initial attachment period. Emotional drama allows the abuser to use smoke and mirrors to disguise their true intentions. They want to place you under a false-love spell. The abuser overacts the "love" they feel for you. They want to monopolize your time. The abuser, maybe literally, says “Look at me! Look only at me! I am so in love with you that it’s making me crazy. I can’t bear to be away from you!”
- [How to Avoid Abuse In Future Relationships](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/how-to-avoid-abuse-in-future-relationships/): You experienced an abusive relationship before, and your favorite personal goal is to avoid abuse entirely in every relationship from now on. Unfortunately, your experience tells you that you could be in love before you find out that your new mate is abusive!
- [A Guided Meditation for Abuse Victims](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/guided-meditation-for-abuse-victims/): My sister, Erin Chavez, created this guided meditation for abuse victims, although she meant it just for me at first. I had to tell you she made it for me first because my sister is so supportive of me and all-around awesome. And I want everyone to know she's my sister.
- [Verbal Self-Defense: What You Must Know](https://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/verbal-self-defense/): Verbal abuse underlies most domestic violence, so verbal self-defense can help you when your abuser flies off the handle. Hostile language is dangerous to our health not only because of its destructive nature but because it so often abusive anger escalates into physical violence. Learning the art of verbal self-defense is learning how to create a system (in any environment) where you can diffuse hostile language as well as give yourself an opportunity to get to a safer environment.
- [Your Recovery From Domestic Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/): Recovery from domestic abuse and violence is always possible. Recovery from domestic abuse becomes probable when you:
- [Judging and Criticizing](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/judging-and-criticizing/): Judging and criticizing allow your abuser to express how little they accept you as you are. The abuser implies that you should be smarter, saner, less picky, pickier, or any other type of expression about how little your abuser appreciates who you are.
- [Discounting](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/discounting/): Abusive people enjoy discounting your thoughts, feelings, and reality so they do not have to take responsibility for their abusive behavior. If your abuser can force you to doubt your perception of how something happened, what someone did, who agreed to do what, or almost anything else related to the way you understand your world, then your abuser doesn’t have to admit they are acting like an ass.
- [Style Checks](https://verbalabusejournals.com/landing-pages/style-checks/)
- [Ordering and Demanding](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/ordering-demanding/): When my husband orders me around or demands certain behaviors of me, it is his way of directly controlling me. In the past, ordering and demanding worked well for him because his other threatening and unnerving behaviors had accomplished his goal of scaring the resistance out of me. I was in “shell shock” much of the time, and it was easier to do as he said than to expose myself to another round of abusive anger, threatening behavior, and all the rest.
- [How to Heal From Brainwashing](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/heal-from-brainwashing/): Can you heal from brainwashing? Yes. Once you know you’ve experienced it, you can heal from brainwashing and recover from domestic abuse. First, learn how your abuser used brainwashing steps to bring you under control. Then learn self-mind-control to undo the brainwashing. It will take less time to recover than it took to become brainwashed. The brainwashing process took some time to take effect because the process was outside your realm of consciousness – you didn’t know it was happening and you couldn’t have guessed. Your abuser may not have known they were doing it either, but whether they knew or not doesn’t matter. They did it, and now you must undo it.
- [Brainwashing and Intelligence](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/brainwashing-and-intelligence/): Brainwashing and intelligence have nothing to do with one another (Brainwashing – Learn How It's Done So You Can Undo It). Unintelligent people can brainwash intelligent ones as easily as an intelligent abuser can brainwash a less intelligent person. The effects of verbal abuse or the effects of any type of abuse on your thinking is summed up in one word: BRAINWASHING.
- [Withholding or Depriving](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/withholding-depriving/): Withholding affection is one type of deprivation, and that occurs when your mate purposefully withholds physical contact (including sex). Divorces of the past were granted for “alienation of affection” and withholding physical comforts underlies the complaint. However, there are other ways abusive people deprive their victims.
- [Denial](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/denial-lying-to-control/): Denial is the same as lying, and some verbal abusers are mistaken for “pathological liars” because they use denial as a form of control so often. Lying to control others is different from lying out of habit or any other pathological reason. For example, pathological liars lie to everyone, all the time, for no reason, but an abuser’s lies focus on the people they try to control.
- [Countering](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/countering/): Countering occurs when your abuser expresses the near opposite of what you say no matter if
- [Forgetting](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/forgetting/): “Forgetting involves both denial and covert manipulation. Consistently forgetting interactions which have a great impact on another person is verbally abusive denial.”
- [Trivializing](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/trivializing-verbal-abuse/): To explain trivializing, I need you to think about a time when you felt a great sense of accomplishment. For example, when I finished my first website, I felt that kind of pride. Maybe you got a promotion at work or taught your child their ABCs or climbed Mount Everest! For a moment, think back to a time when you felt really good about what you did for yourself or someone else.
- [Blocking and Diverting](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/blocking-diverting/): Blocking and diverting is basically changing the topic of a conversation or refusing to participate in it to gain control. Changing a normal conversation into one that shocks and hurts you is a control tactic designed to disorient and confuse you. A confused person is easier to control than a clear-headed one.
- [Accusing and Blaming](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/accusing-blaming/): Accusing and blaming help abusers take the focus off of what they’re doing and put it onto their victims. If your abuser can convincingly accuse you of “starting this whole thing” or blame you for their actions, then you’re likely to consider their viewpoint, maybe agree then try to prove your love (and condition your brain to believe you do love him) so the abuser will calm the hell down.
- [Mentoring Program Is No Longer Available](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-us/mentoring-program-verbal-abuse-journals/): I'm very proud of the former Verbal Abuse Journals Mentoring Program. We helped hundreds of people who lived in abusive relationships or had left them. I will always be grateful to Janet Rhodes for supervising the program and later taking full responsibility for it.
- [Stories of Abuse in Video, Music, & Audio](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/stories-of-abuse-in-video-and-music/): If you want to watch and listen to true stories of abuse, you’re on the right page. We're no longer taking submissions, but I think you'll enjoy the different presentations listed below.
- [Domestic Abuse Art](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/domestic-abuse-art/): Survivor Art, Drawings, and Doodles Similar Pages Verbal Abuse in Marriage Blog
About Abuse
Domestic Violence Problems
Staying in an Abusive Relationship
How to Stop Abuse in Your Relationship
Tips for Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Your Recovery From Domestic Abuse
True Stories of Abuse
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- [Stories of Leaving Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/stories-of-leaving-abuse/): Stories of leaving abuse are essential because it’s too easy to think “Leaving is for the lucky and the strong! That’s not my situation…” This collection of stories of leaving abuse is different because it tells you how others left abusive relationships despite feeling weak and disadvantaged.
- [Stories of Living with Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/stories-of-living-with-abuse/): The authors of these abuse stories hope to help you learn from their experiences. Their stories of abuse leave me in awe of what evil abusers carry out. Every story is unique but eerily similar to all the others. The common thread is the abuser’s need to control and their willingness to hurt their victims in any way to fulfill that need.
- [Abusive Anger](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/abusive-anger/): Abusive anger benefits abusive people by sending shockwaves of doubt and fear through their target’s mind and body. The target will freeze, flee, or fight back. The best thing to do is flee – leave the area. Besides preventing further emotional turmoil, abusive anger can turn violent even if the abuser has NEVER physically assaulted anyone.
- [True Stories of Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/): We are no longer accepting submissions. But you'll find our collection of true stories of abuse helpful. Here are some stories from people just like you:
- [Affiliate Disclosure](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-us/affiliate-disclosure/): VerbalAbuseJournals.com includes ads and links to Amazon.com. If you click those ads or links, then make a purchase at Amazon.com, we might earn a small commission.
- [Name-Calling Is Pure Verbal Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/name-calling/): If your partner calls you ugly names or sweet things but in a sarcastic tone, then you are verbally abused. Sometimes, not calling you by name at all is abusive too.
- [Verbal Abuse Disguised as a Joke](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/verbal-abuse-disguised-joke/): Abuse disguised as a joke happens when abusers tease or make fun of you, usually in front of others. However, you know they are threats and put-downs in disguise. They’re sick personal "jokes" between the two of you. Only you know the real story behind his “humor.” Friends probably wonder why you become so upset when the abuser teases you.
- [Undermining Is Verbal Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/undermining-is-verbal-abuse/): Undermining kind of works as it sounds. Let’s say you’re digging a mine. It is a super-great mine! Your abusive partner begins digging a mine deeper than yours, directly under yours, without you knowing it. You come home from digging your mine one day and excitedly tell your partner about how great your mine is progressing and mention that you should be done tomorrow.
- [Threatening Behavior And Words](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/threatening-behavior-words/): As you can guess, threatening words and behavior imply or involve emotional pain, physical pain, or both. If your partner threatens to leave if you do or don’t do something, that is a threat. Threats are verbal and emotional abuse. Some things you could hear are, “If you go out dressed like that I will play wing-man for my friend” or “If you don’t have dinner on the table by 6 tonight, there will be hell to pay.” Any statement that says or implies “If you … then I’ll” is a threat.
- [The Brainwashing Technique](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/brainwashing-technique-learn-how-its-done-so-you-can-undo-it/): This brainwashing technique isn’t so much one your abuser learned on purpose (although she certainly could have studied brainwashing techniques). Brainwashing comes naturally to people
- [Verbal Abuse Journals](https://verbalabusejournals.com/): The things abusers say and do put you on the defensive, make you feel crazy, and to wonder if you are the abuser in the relationship. Your best ammunition against the things abusers say and do is...
- [Lena’s Story of Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/stories-of-living-with-abuse/lenas-story-abuse/): When I couldn’t express my feelings without being made wrong, every time I tried to do that he would say that is my fault because I am depressed. Even my concerns about the things he said, did, like when he reported me falsely, I said it made me feel unloved, again that was my fault because I was depressed and mentally ill and I shouldn’t make my own issues be our issues.
- [Maria’s Story of Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/stories-of-living-with-abuse/marias-story-of-abuse/): When I found out about his psychological manipulation, his behavior changed depending on what he wanted to achieve or do with me.
- [Jane’s Story of Leaving Domestic Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/stories-of-leaving-abuse/janes-story-of-leaving-domestic-abuse/): What happened that made you decide to leave?
- [April’s Story of Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/stories-of-living-with-abuse/april-story-abuse/): He calls me names like bitch, cunt, slut, whore, lazy, fat.
- [Codependent Behavior Makes Abuse Victims Manipulative Too](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-us/newsletter-archive/codependent-behavior/): Hello everyone, this week I've thought about the "mess" codependent behavior causes in our hearts and minds. It's so confusing to live in abuse, confusing when you want to leave it, and confusing once you are free. Confusion causes us to act unlike ourselves, distrust ourselves, and try to manipulate for the greater good (which doesn't work). Our best intentions seem to turn into the biggest mess possible. When drama rules the day, it's time to check ourselves for codependent behavior.

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