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# Kellie Jo Holly

## Sitemaps
- [XML Sitemap](https://verbalabusejournals.com/sitemap_index.xml): Includes all crawlable and indexable pages.

## Posts
- [I Didn’t Know It Was Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2018/08/it-was-abuse/): One morning, while applying waterproof mascara, I looked into my eyes and saw it. Nothing. My eyes didn't shine or pop; there was no light. Where did I go? Where was my soul?
- [Flat-Lining in Domestic Abuse Recovery](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2016/05/flatlining-domestic-abuse-recovery/): Stephen Covey says to "live out of your imagination, not your history." Depression, suicidal thoughts, hate, despair and hopelessness result when I live out of the mindset of my past. It's as if he is abusing me all over again.
- [Hindsight Can’t Help Me But Could Help You](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2015/03/hindsight-to-help-you/): Hindsight shows me my mistakes in thinking. It shows me how my love for him blinded me. Maybe if you can see my hindsight before it happens to you, you'll get OUT. I now understand that no choice he presented to me would end the abuse. I left the Army-abuse continued. Got pregnant-abuse continued. Doing as told=abuse.
- [My Abusive Marriage Recap](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2015/03/my-abusive-marriage-recap/): While reorganizing this website, I came across some pages that don't fit the site any longer. But I didn't want to get rid of their brief synopses of the abuse suffered through the years. So I thought I'd add them to a brand new page and see if brevity works as well as a deep explanation for my readers.
- [Abuse Is Never Love But I Wanted It to Be](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2015/02/abuse-is-never-love-but-i-wanted-it-to-be/): What I didn't understand at the time was that if Will wanted to lash out at me, it did not matter what I said or did or how I said or did it. The purpose of yelling at me, accusing me of lying, telling me I was a horrid mother, insisting I was cheating and all the rest was to keep me off balance. To keep me confused. To keep me explaining myself to him so he did not have to explain himself to me.
- [#TheDayItStarted](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/12/day-started/): Red Door Productions introduces #TheDayItStarted as a prompt for abuse victims to tell about their earliest memory of domestic abuse.
- [Triggered & Angry](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/12/triggered-angry/): Anyone experiencing repeated traumas as with domestic abuse can be triggered unexpectedly. Even so, identifying triggers leads us to better mental health because once we identify the triggers, we can stop them from hurting us.
- [Nothing on My Mind](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/12/nothing-on-my-mind-abuse/): The effects of abuse last longer than I hoped. I am healing from it, but memories continue to assault my mind. I just want to be healed. Now.
- [Vulnerability](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/11/vulnerability/): I feel that anyone could lethally wound me with a glance. I feel exposed to many elements of my mind; exposed and in danger, not exposed and protected. My fiance, Jarimie, wants to protect me when I feel vulnerable. But how can he protect me from myself?
- [Today Is Better Than Dreadful Thanks to Intuition](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/11/today-better-dreadful/): Fortunately, today is a better day thanks to the helpful people I found while following my intuition. I know, beyond a doubt, that I am capable of surviving without a car, without a home, without a job and without a shower. The intuition I used to build the support network I needed to leave my ex-husband proved its flexibility to get me off the street and into an apartment. Into a job. I survived.
- [The Homeless Chapter](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2014/10/homeless-chapter/): I don't know much. At least I know I don't know much. Life takes twists and turns that seemed impossible only days before. Now, more than any other time in my life, I am uncertain what tomorrow brings.
- [Women Hit More Than Men But Men Do More Damage](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2013/09/women-hit-more/): We've taught our young men about domestic violence, but got the message to our girls that only guys can be held accountable for it. It's time we taught our daughters to keep their hands and feet to themselves, too.
- [Inspirational Blogs](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2013/02/inspirational-blogs/): We may suffer, we may cry, but we all have the free will to choose how we deal with our pain. Submitting to abuse causes you to deny who you are and trash the unique qualities, abilities and experiences given to you. What a waste of a great human.
- [Mothers Separated From Children: One Way to Connect If The Abuser Wins Custody](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/07/mothers-separated-from-children/): Mothers separated from their children after dealing with the father's abuse is the worst possible outcome. Learn how to reduce the damage.
- [Abuse Affects the Wise](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/07/abuse-issues-affect-wise/): No one - no one - waits forever. Think good things for yourself because what you think becomes your reality. Dream big and plan flexibly. Envision a life without abuse and no, that life is not necessarily minus your current abuser.
- [Letters About Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/07/letters-about-abuse/): In the months after leaving my abusive husband, there was so much I wanted to explain to my boys! My oldest son’s anger was heavy and dense. I could reach out and touch my youngest son’s broken heart on his sleeve. I wanted so badly to explain my side of things…but I couldn’t.
- [Anxiety From Domestic Abuse Is Tough To Deal With!](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/06/anxiety-abuse/): Anxiety is a big deal for abuse victims, past and present. Sometimes I still find my heart racing at sounds that remind me of my "old life" in my abusive marriage. Fortunately, now I recognize my anxiety instead of not feeling it. Anxiety was such a huge part of my life when I lived with my abuser that I completely, unconsciously, ignored it.
- [Ending an Abusive Relationship](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/06/ending-an-abusive-relationship/): Ending an abusive relationship begins by telling someone what you are going through. Don't continue suffering in silence. Talk about it.
- [‘You Hate Men!’ Is Diversion . . . and Retraumatization](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/05/you-hate-men/): Telling me that my rape is the source of our problems is a diversion. It turns me away from whatever Will is doing and causes me to examine myself. By blaming my past for our current problems is also wrong. Will blames me for our problems without taking any responsibility for his behavior.
- [Trophy Wife – Side Effects of Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2012/05/trophy-wife-side-effects-abuse/): The image you see here shows my state of mind soon after our wedding. The colors show brightly enough, the flowers are rather pretty. But the women undergo sad transitions. The signs of abuse are here, hidden by brightly colored flowers.
- [Inspiration to Leave Your Abusive Relationship: Liberty or Death?](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/11/inspiration-to-leave-your-abusive-relationship-liberty-or-death/): My Thanksgiving weekend would not be complete without remembering our great country and its roots in the ultimate desire for freedom. Of course, I am grateful that almost 240 years ago, brave men and women fought for America's freedom from the abuse and oppression of the British crown; I am also grateful that I fought for my freedom from abusive oppression in my life.
- [Overcome Anxiety and Fear: Exorcise The Demon](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/07/exorcising-demon/): For example, when I admitted to myself that the demon in my marriage was ABUSE, the abuse held less power over me. The demon flared up in a fiery attempt to terrify me, yet, after its temper tantrum, I stood strong and continued to call it by name. Will thinks I demonized him, but I think I demonized his behavior.
- [Shutting Up for Many Reasons: Some Valid, Some Not](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/07/shutting-up/): Last year, I tapered off from this blog because I was afraid of what would come of it in court. Nothing came of it in court. This blog was either irrelevant or the battle didn't get nasty enough for his attorney to use it.
- [I Appreciate You](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/07/appreciate-you/): Lately I've been thinking about you, the readers of this blog. You readers are my core; without you, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to continue the leaving process after it begun. Without you, I think I may have resigned myself to more years of abuse - maybe I would have stayed until I died.
- [Pride Revisited](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/07/pride-revisited/): Last year, I wrote a story called Pride and Greed about how those two sins work together to create an abusive relationship. But now that I think about it, the story is not quite right. I mean, the story helped me to understand how Will and I "happened", but it's off somehow. The story is off if you consider Pride to be a complete and utter sin.
- [Promise Me A Rose Garden](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/06/promise-rose-garden/): A few months after I'd left Will, I had worked through the grief stage and moved into such a euphoric state that I thought it would never end. I thought to myself, "So this is what I've been missing all these years!" and with a smile and artsy flourish of my wrist, I chucked my last 11 anti-depressants into the trash.
- [You Can’t Make Your Abuser Abuse You](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/06/cannot-make-abuser-abuse-you/): You can't make your abuser abuse you. The responsibility for abusing falls directly on the shoulders of the perpetrator, not the victim. Yet so many victims (me too!) want to somehow make the abuse "our fault". I think that I wanted to accept responsibility for the abuse because if I caused it, then I could end it.
- [Depression After Leaving Abusive Relationship: Spiraling](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/05/depression-after-leaving-abusive-relationship/): Depression today has the same purpose as it had during my abusive relationship: to dull the good, feel the bad, and then try to fix me. But I'm not broken. My brain chemistry is broken. Domestic violence and abuse broke my brain.
- [Dream World of Abuse in Relationships](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/04/dream-world/): I wrote this some time ago, before leaving my abuser:
- [Anniversary Anxiety Related to Domestic Violence](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/02/anniversary-anxiety/): February 1st last year was on Monday. Will and I had gone to court the Thursday before, and I had told the judge I agreed that he could see the boys. That first weekend, he wouldn't take them because he hadn't received his paperwork and was afraid that I would call the law on him after he picked up the boys.
- [One Year Out of My Abusive Marriage: The Moonlight Dance](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/01/moonlight-dance/): The subconscious dance I participated in with my ex-husband steals my thoughts today. I want to look deep inside the belly of the beast inside myself and paint a true portrait of my abusive marriage with my own blood.
- [Share What You Know About Domestic Violence and Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/01/radio-show-posted/): The interview I did with Gary Copeland as host is posted at Healthy Place Mental Health Radio Show and titled My Verbally Abusive Marriage.
- [The Threat of Violence: When Is It Time to Leave?](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/01/threat-of-violence/): Abuse victims get so accustomed to the threat of violence that we stay in situations that can easily become violent--even though we don't think they will.
- [Guess What? Interview about abuse on HealthyPlace.com](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2011/01/guess/): I'm going to be interviewed on Healthy Place Radio on Wednesday, January 5th at 8pm CST, 9pm EST!
- [Last Year](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/12/year/): I know there's no "loser" in my brain. The words I speak to myself are so far from tired and depleted that I almost cannot remember writing that entry, almost cannot remember feeling that worthless and guilty.
- [I Wish He Could Move Past the Past](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/12/what-to-say/): Life goes on; some days are wonderful, some surprising, some plain sad. Sometimes I wish for the happy ending to my marriage that I'll never have - "happy" in that we would die of old age after years of peacefully and joyfully rocking on our porch.
- [Trusting Myself Works](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/10/trusting/): Recently, my friend's daughter has launched a seek and destroy campaign against him. She's pulled up facts (and rumors) from his past and attempted to make people believe they're current activities (i.e. heroin addiction! among other crap).  She's another self-absorbed controller unleashing her special brand of evil into the world.
- [Leaving But Not Yet Free](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/10/leaving-free/): He and I have children together. I am connected to him for the rest of my life, through them. Although our vows to love, honor and cherish fell by the wayside, "for better or worse, 'til death do we part" holds strong. Some promises can't be taken back.
- [My Real World is Different From What He Described](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/10/my-real-world/): When I left my husband, I had no idea of the purity of life that would engulf me in these following months. I met people who said what they meant. I met people who could be upset without letting their tempers spill over into conversation with me, toward me. I met people who don't have to make someone else feel small in order to feel better about themselves.
- [Leaving Hip-Hop Sounds A Lot Like Leaving Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/09/leaving/): Yes, this is Eminem's song "25 to Life" and Marc tells me it's about Eminem leaving Hip-Hop, which it very well may be. But it's about something else, too. In case you don't like Eminem, I copied the lyrics below the song so you don't have to listen to it.
- [I Lived a Fairy Tale During Domestic Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/09/fairytale-during-domestic-abuse/): Once upon a time, I lived in a world of disapproval and fear. I listened to a man who demanded I make him happy, then grew angrier when I could not. I thought something was wrong with me, so I sought to change who I was to become more pleasing to that man.
- [In Isolation](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/09/isolation/): During my marriage, I lived in isolation. I knew people outside of my home and sometimes shared specific experiences concerning my ex-husband with them. But somehow, I managed to keep most of the pain and embarrassment concerning my family's truths buried deep inside. So deeply were they buried that I was able to keep them secret even from myself.
- [Detaching from My Abuser: Hold and Release](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/07/detaching-abuser/): There must be something in the air. My mood is so serious, like a rain-filled cloud threatening to rain on my parade.
- [Becoming Myself After the Abuse: I’m Not That Person . . . Yet](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/07/not-that-person/): The past month whirled around me, through me, like a red wine hurricane. I feel alive and strong, but spinning uncontrollably in my heart are questions and wishes that I'm not ready to answer or fulfill. I feel like I'm in danger of losing my vision because time isn't pacing itself with my desires - what I want to become, who I want to be is not yet centered inside of me. The person I want to be is still ahead of me on the timeline while I'm forced to continue living in the present.
- [Searching for Who I Am](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/06/searching/): One time an old friend said he pictured me as Peggy Hill and I about had a heart attack. Right there. On the spot. You can't forget being compared to Peggy Hill. It ain't funny, y'all.
- [Life’s Luxuries are New to Me](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/06/luxury/): For the first time in a very long time, I'm dealing with a variety of emotions, bad and good (if I have to judge an emotion as bad or good...). In the last year(s?) of my marriage, I dealt with anger, betrayal, fear, bitterness, probably even hate. But now there is a world of emotion to experience that I didn't recognize or had forgotten about or refused to feel. Most likely a combination of all three.
- [Some Guy Off the Street](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/06/some-guy/): As you may have gathered from my last post, I am entertaining the thought of having some wonderful sex in the future. While that is true, I can't seem to think about sex without also thinking about a "RELATIONSHIP". Well, that isn't entirely true. I very well can imagine the sex without a relationship, but I can't imagine me having sex without also having it evolve into a relationship.
- [Gotta Raise](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/06/gotta-raise/): A few days ago, my boss gave me a tape measure with my name written on it in permanent marker. I was so darn happy to see that thing - such a simple thing, yet it caused me so much joy! My name in permanent marker on a tape measure. Go figure.
- [Secrets Worth Keeping](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/06/secrets-worth-keeping/): When I started this blog, I was an open book. I told it ALL, and it felt wonderful to unload. Will desperately wanted me to shut up, to forget about it, to stop telling "lies". I knew I couldn't stop telling my truth. Spilling those secrets was the best thing I ever did for myself because only by being open did I find all of you, and with you, the courage and power to move forward, to move away.
- [My New Job Is to Overcome Pain](https://verbalabusejournals.com/2010/05/job/): Will and I get along when there are witnesses, but not so much when there are none. That's okay. I can deal. Especially now that I have my own home to go to at the end of the day. I think if I ever have the opportunity to advise someone in a similar situation, I will tell them to move away from the memories, the pain, and the patterns by physically moving from the home.

## Pages
- [Short Safety Plan for Domestic Abuse & Violence](https://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/the-short-safety-plan-for-domestic-abuse-violence/): The Short Safety Plan is a fill-in form for the decisions that are hardest to make in the middle of a crisis: where you would go, who you would call, what you would take, and how you would get out of the house. It is the first part of the Domestic Violence Safety Plan Workbook: Stay Safer Whether You Stay or Leave.
- [How to Recognize Verbal Abuse: A Free PDF Download](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/how-to-recognize-verbal-abuse-free-worksheet/): Verbal abuse is hard to see from the inside. The words may sound like the way your partner has always talked, or you have heard them so often they stopped registering. This free worksheet gives you a structured way to look at what is said and done, how often it happens, and what it does to you.
- [Gaslighting](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/gaslighting/): On This Page:
- [Domestic Abuse and Violence FAQs](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/domestic-abuse-and-violence-faqs/)
- [Narrative Therapy and Abuse: Changing the Story You Tell About Yourself](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/narrative-therapy-abuse/): Abuse leaves you with a story about yourself. Maybe it says you're too sensitive, too much, or crazy. Maybe it says you started it, or that you're as bad as the person who hurt you. Hear that story often enough, and you start telling it to yourself.
- [Practical Resources for Living With, Leaving, and Recovering From Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/practical-resources-for-living-with-leaving-and-recovering-from-abuse/): A list of things that might help, sorted by when you might need them
- [Safety Planning Process Can Be Emotionally Messy](https://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/safety-planning-can-be-emotionally-messy/): One of the toughest things about the safety planning process is that it forces you to face the abuse in your relationship. When you look at your abusive relationship truthfully, the panic to leave begins. You rush to judgment on yourself, thinking things like:
- [Cart](https://verbalabusejournals.com/cart/): Your cart is empty.
- [Checkout](https://verbalabusejournals.com/checkout/): Your cart is empty.
- [Thank you.](https://verbalabusejournals.com/thank-you/): I appreciate your purchase.
- [No Access](https://verbalabusejournals.com/no-access/)
- [Topic List](https://verbalabusejournals.com/categories-list/): Here's a simple list of categories used on VerbalAbuseJournals.com
- [Overcoming Verbal Abuse in 5 Critical Steps](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/overcoming-verbal-abuse-5-critical-steps/): Overcoming verbal abuse can entail a long and difficult recovery process, but it is possible with the right plan of action and support. When you seek professional help, practice self-care, create boundaries, build a support system, and release the pain the abuse left behind, you can build healthier relationships and be yourself without fear. Here are five steps that can help you recover.
- [Emotions After Leaving Your Abuser](https://verbalabusejournals.com/leaving-abusive-relationship/emotions-after-leaving-your-abuser/): Escaping an abusive relationship involves more than having a safety plan and walking out the door. In addition to the logistical planning, you also must plan for some confusing emotions after leaving your abuser. The loaded emotions create a minefield that I wasn't prepared for. But I hope to help you avoid succumbing to the confusing emotions and know the feelings you experience are not reasons to return.
- [Healing Emotional Trauma in Recovery](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/healing-emotional-trauma-in-recovery/): The Manitoba Trauma Information & Education Centre1 states the stages of healing emotional trauma are:
- [Too Fast Too Soon: A Commitment Red Flag](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/how-to-avoid-abuse-in-future-relationships/too-fast-too-soon-commitment-red-flag/): The too fast too soon red flag I mention in the following video has to do with
- [Top 12 Signs of Abuse in Your Future](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/how-to-avoid-abuse-in-future-relationships/signs-of-abuse-in-your-future/): What are the signs of abuse to watch out for when you meet a new guy or gal? We know you cannot tell who will abuse you by looking at them. Most likely, if the new person in your life is an abuser, they will sweep you off your feet and make you feel like a million bucks before taking off the mask and revealing the monster within.
- [Domestic Violence Problems](https://verbalabusejournals.com/domestic-violence-problems/): Addressing the domestic violence problems requires a multifaceted approach. It is important to provide support and resources for victims, including access to safe housing, counseling, and legal services. Education and awareness campaigns can help to break the cycle of violence by teaching individuals about healthy relationships and the warning signs of abuse. The criminal justice system can also play a role in holding perpetrators accountable for their actions.
- [Do You Want Your Abuser Back?](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/do-you-want-your-abuser-back/): The stress of untangling YOU from THEM can make you want your abuser back. It sucks, but it’s true.
- [Diagnosing PTSD with the DSM-5](https://verbalabusejournals.com/domestic-violence-problems/ptsd-domestic-abuse/diagnosing-ptsd-dsm5/): The DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition), tells us there are eight criteria for diagnosing PTSD. The three criteria that must be present for a PTSD diagnosis are:
- [Emotional Drama Is Not Love](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/emotional-drama-is-not-love/): Emotional drama is not love. It is manufactured by the abuser during the initial attachment period using smoke and mirrors to disguise their true intentions. They want to place you under a love spell so you will never leave them, and science can tell you how they do it.
- [How to Avoid Abuse In Future Relationships](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/how-to-avoid-abuse-in-future-relationships/): You experienced an abusive relationship before, and your favorite personal goal is to avoid abuse entirely in every relationship from now on. Unfortunately, your experience tells you that you could be in love before you find out that your new mate is abusive!
- [A Guided Meditation for Abuse Victims](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/guided-meditation-for-abuse-victims/): Put on your headphones, get comfy, and press the play arrow. You'll be very happy that you did.
- [Verbal Self-Defense: What You Must Know](https://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/verbal-self-defense/): Verbal abuse underlies most domestic violence, so verbal self-defense can help you when your abuser flies off the handle. Hostile language is dangerous to our health not only because of its destructive nature but because it so often abusive anger escalates into physical violence. Learning the art of verbal self-defense is learning how to create a system (in any environment) where you can diffuse hostile language as well as give yourself an opportunity to get to a safer environment.
- [Your Recovery From Domestic Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/your-recovery-from-domestic-abuse/): Recovery from domestic abuse and violence is always possible. Recovery from domestic abuse becomes probable when you:
- [Judging and Criticizing](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/judging-and-criticizing/): Judging and criticizing allow your abuser to express how little they accept you as you are. The abuser implies that you should be smarter, saner, less picky, pickier, or any other type of expression about how little your abuser appreciates who you are.
- [Discounting](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/discounting/): Abusive people enjoy discounting your thoughts, feelings, and reality so they do not have to take responsibility for their abusive behavior. If your abuser can force you to doubt your perception of how something happened, what someone did, who agreed to do what, or almost anything else related to the way you understand your world, then your abuser doesn’t have to admit they are acting like an ass.
- [Ordering and Demanding](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/ordering-demanding/): If your partner orders you around and demands you meet their requests, then you hear verbal abuse. Patricia Evans, the author of the best verbal abuse books, says that when someone makes demands of you, the person has forgotten that “you are a free person, and if he wants something of you, he must make a courteous request.”
- [How to Heal From Brainwashing](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/heal-from-brainwashing/): Can you heal from brainwashing? Yes. Once you know you’ve experienced it, you can heal from brainwashing and recover from domestic abuse. First, learn how your abuser used brainwashing steps to bring you under control. Then learn self-mind-control to undo the brainwashing. It will take less time to recover than it took to become brainwashed.
- [Brainwashing and Intelligence Are Unrelated](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/brainwashing-and-intelligence/): Brainwashing and intelligence have nothing to do with one another. Unintelligent people can brainwash intelligent ones as easily as an intelligent abuser can brainwash a less intelligent person. The effects of verbal abuse or the effects of any type of abuse on your thinking is summed up in one word: BRAINWASHING.
- [Withholding or Depriving](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/withholding-depriving/): Withholding affection is one type of deprivation, and that occurs when your mate purposefully withholds physical contact (including sex). Divorces of the past were granted for “alienation of affection” and withholding physical comforts underlies the complaint. However, there are other ways abusive people deprive their victims.
- [Denial](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/denial-lying-to-control/): Denial is the same as lying, and some verbal abusers are mistaken for “pathological liars” because they use denial as a form of control so often. Lying to control others is different from lying out of habit or any other pathological reason. For example, pathological liars lie to everyone, all the time, for no reason, but an abuser’s lies focus on the people they try to control.
- [Countering](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/countering/): Countering occurs when your abuser expresses the near opposite of what you say no matter if
- [Forgetting](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/forgetting/): “Forgetting involves both denial and covert manipulation. Consistently forgetting interactions which have a great impact on another person is verbally abusive denial.”
- [Trivializing](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/trivializing-verbal-abuse/): To explain trivializing, I need you to think about a time when you felt a great sense of accomplishment. For example, when I finished my first website, I felt that kind of pride. Maybe you got a promotion at work or taught your child their ABCs or climbed Mount Everest! For a moment, think back to a time when you felt really good about what you did for yourself or someone else.
- [Blocking and Diverting](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/blocking-diverting/): Blocking and diverting is basically changing the topic of a conversation or refusing to participate in it to gain control. Changing a normal conversation into one that shocks and hurts you is a control tactic designed to disorient and confuse you. A confused person is easier to control than a clear-headed one.
- [Accusing and Blaming](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/accusing-blaming/): Accusing and blaming help abusers take the focus off of what they’re doing and put it onto their victims. If your abuser can convincingly accuse you of “starting this whole thing” or blame you for their actions, then you’re likely to consider their viewpoint, maybe agree then try to prove your love (and condition your brain to believe you do love him) so the abuser will calm the hell down.
- [Mentoring Program Is No Longer Available](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-us/mentoring-program-verbal-abuse-journals/): I'm very proud of the former Verbal Abuse Journals Mentoring Program. We helped hundreds of people who lived in abusive relationships or had left them. I will always be grateful to Janet Rhodes for supervising the program and later taking full responsibility for it.
- [Stories of Abuse in Video, Music, & Audio](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/stories-of-abuse-in-video-and-music/): If you want to watch and listen to true stories of abuse, you’re on the right page. We're no longer taking submissions, but I think you'll enjoy the different presentations listed below.
- [Domestic Abuse Art](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/domestic-abuse-art/): Survivor Art, Drawings, and Doodles Similar Pages About Abuse
Choosing to Stay in an Abusive Relationship
Domestic Violence Problems
How to Stop Abuse in Your Relationship
Tips for After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Your Recovery From Domestic Abuse
True Stories of Abuse
- [Stories of Leaving Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/stories-of-leaving-abuse/): When you live with abuse, it's easy to believe that leaving is for other people. Maybe you think it takes luck, money, or a kind of strength you don't have. The stories below show how others left even when they felt weak and at a disadvantage.
- [Stories of Living with Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/stories-of-living-with-abuse/): The authors of these abuse stories hope to help you learn from their experiences. Their stories of abuse leave me in awe of what evil abusers carry out. Every story is unique but eerily similar to all the others. The common thread is the abuser’s need to control and their willingness to hurt their victims in any way to fulfill that need.
- [Abusive Anger](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/abusive-anger/): Abusive anger benefits abusive people by sending shockwaves of doubt and fear through their target’s mind and body. The target will freeze, flee, or fight back. The best thing to do is flee – leave the area. Besides preventing further emotional turmoil, abusive anger can turn violent even if the abuser has NEVER physically assaulted anyone.
- [True Stories of Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/true-stories-of-abuse/): That's the main reason we share true stories of abuse here. They show how control works in everyday life: insults passed off as jokes, the silent treatment, money you can't touch (or can touch, but with consequences), the apology that comes before the next blowup. You might recognize a few of these. You might recognize most of them.
- [Affiliate Disclosure](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-us/affiliate-disclosure/): As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
- [Name-Calling Is Pure Verbal Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/name-calling/): Abusive people name-call in hope that you will feel unworthy, stupid, and as if who you are isn't good enough. When abusers "rename" you, they diminish your importance in their own minds, too. In essence, by taking away your real name and your identity, they erase you. Once you are erased, an abuser can place the identity on you that they want. This is where the name-calling comes into play.
- [Verbal Abuse Disguised as a Joke](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/verbal-abuse-disguised-joke/): Abuse disguised as a joke happens when abusers tease or make fun of you, usually in front of others. However, you know they are threats and put-downs in disguise. They’re sick personal "jokes" between the two of you. Only you know the real story behind his “humor.” Friends probably wonder why you become so upset when the abuser teases you.
- [Undermining Is Verbal Abuse](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/undermining-is-verbal-abuse/): Undermining kind of works as it sounds. Let’s say you’re digging a mine. It is a super-great mine! Your abusive partner begins digging a mine deeper than yours, directly under yours, without you knowing it. You come home from digging your mine one day and excitedly tell your partner about how great your mine is progressing and mention that you should be done tomorrow.
- [Threatening Behavior And Words](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/examples-of-verbal-abuse/threatening-behavior-words/): As you can guess, threatening words and behavior imply or involve emotional pain, physical pain, or both. If your partner threatens to leave if you do or don’t do something, that is a threat. Threats are verbal and emotional abuse. Some things you could hear are, “If you go out dressed like that I will play wing-man for my friend” or “If you don’t have dinner on the table by 6 tonight, there will be hell to pay.” Any statement that says or implies “If you … then I’ll” is a threat.
- [The Brainwashing Technique: How Coercive Control Takes Hold](https://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/brainwashing-technique-learn-how-its-done-so-you-can-undo-it/): “Brainwashing” is the plain-language term I'm using for a process more often discussed as coercive control and psychological aggression these days. The newer terminology doesn't have the same "Dammit you're going to believe and do as I say or else!" feeling abusers go for.

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