My Verbally Abusive Marriage

In the beginning of this exchange, I’m speaking to “Big Me” – the part of me directly connected to God with no go-betweens. Next, I hear from a couple of little demons that Pauline (my guardian angel) pointed my awareness to earlier. And then, I talk to Pauline.

This came out during the nanowrimo challenge in November 2009:

Me speaking to Big Me: There are a lot of things that I know now that I didn’t know ten months ago. YOU of course. And I wasn’t willing to question too much ten months ago, and now, when I do question, I try to do the questioning in a productive manner. Instead of asking loaded questions, I will ask questions that leave room for me to believe what someone says. If I know you broke the plate, I won’t ask if you broke the plate.

I’m physically tired. Is there a way to put this typing on auto pilot? What if I just turned over the keyboard to you? [I mean to turn the keyboard over to Big Me, but instead...]

Demon 1: [...almost as if I caught them mid-conversation] You can to ddhea; but kdaesdkn don’t know when we were planning on coming over but now that we’re in the open I’m a little frightened, brother. How did she just now recognize us? How did she just now figure out we were here?

Demon 2: Pauline told her. Pauline has told her before, but she wouldn’t listen. Didn’t like the idea of demons running around in her. But that is what I am. How about you?

Demon 1: Yep. Demon. Demon demon demon. I love to hear my name. Why didn’t Pauline say our names?

Demon 2: Because labeling us gives us more power. It is better to live with the demon you know than the demon you don’t. That’s true only because once these humans name us, they think they can fix us. More aptly, they’re willing to believe that they are dysfunctional (which is what we want them to believe, no?) and once we’re named, then they can launch an attack against us. Attacking us makes us stronger.

Once we know one human can identify us, then we know others can too. We frequently try to get other humans to see our influence over the one’s we’ve got, so they can feel proud that that particular demon is not in them. What they fail to realize is that Pride is the first demon. Pride always opens the door for the rest of us, call us what you will. If Kellie would let lose her pride, then most likely you and I would fall out the trapdoor with it. With Pride.

Demon 1: Look at her. She knows she’s prideful. She is mistaken in thinking that all pride is sin; there is some pride that is not a sin. But I think she’s listening, so I’m not going to talk about that.

Demon 2: She’s not listening for our names. I know she wants to know. What did I say to make her not want to know our names!? Rumplestiltskin! Rumplestiltskin! Rumplestiltskin is my name!

Demon 1: Dork. You can’t tell her your name. She doesn’t want to hear it, so you’re not allowed to say it. Geesh. I think we’ve told her too much.

I hear scampering of four little feet and see a shock of red fur. Weird.

Me: Pauline? Why did you let it slip that there were two other demons in here?

Pauline: Because I wanted you to know that you are a mystical creature, Kellie. There are vast universes yet unexplored. Those other demons have a possibility of simply going away. They may never ever come to bother you. And as they said, if you can kick pride to the curb, then there’s a good chance they will go with him.

Me: Pride goeth before a fall. I’m picturing pride falling out of me and then two red furry demons falling out behind it. … Why are those guys kind of like comic relief? Why are they not serious?

Pauline: Because not every demon in you is serious. In fact, not every demon in you is as important or serious as you give it credit for.

You are concerned that you are an abuser. You worry that you are a manipulator and a hurter. Whether you are or aren’t is nothing to worry about. Now that you know that you do not want to propagate certain behaviors, you can rid yourself of any characteristic of an abuser. I know you will discover that the characteristics were developed through practice, not a deep seated evil nature. There is nothing wrong with you. You are at present merely the characteristics you absorbed before realizing you had control over what you absorbed and expressed.

Now that you know, you do not have to fear being an abuser. Now you are one who is overcoming the characteristics of an abuser. And with that as a focus, you cannot fail.

Me: Pride has come up twice tonight. Am I really so prideful?

Pauline: Well, if you think you know what everyone else is intending without asking them, then you’re probably pretty prideful. Think of it. Do you know what another person intends with his or her words or actions? No. Can you always trust what they say when you question them? No.

So in reality, you will never know the whys of someone’s behavior. You will only see the effects. You must decide for yourself if the effects you see are what you want to associate with. You cannot change those people, and even knowing the whys (if they’re honest) does not change the effect of the action on you. So, do you accept what they did as good for you or not? If not, distance yourself.

Me: [silently wondering about love, how it fits]

Pauline: Love. Love is a misunderstood term. Pride uses the facade of love to promote its standing in your soul. Out of love, you do not allow your children to mess up, to embarrass you, to dishonor you, to hurt your impression of yourself. Now, that is not love. That is a prideful act.

If you take on the embarrassment another person may (or may not) feel after committing some actions, then you assume that you CAN take on responsibility for that person. And since you cannot control another person, you cannot rightfully take responsibility for them. Doing so is prideful. You assume that you can usurp the shame or accomplishment onto yourself. You cannot.

Love is not prideful. Love lets other people be who they are and allows you to be who you are. Will can never tell you who you are. He can yell from the rooftops that you are a whore or that you are a chaste woman. It doesn’t matter what he yells because he cannot tell anyone who you are.

You want someone else to write your author’s biography. [for nanowrimo profile] You want someone to tell you who you are. The biography is a daunting task for you because you are unsure of who you are. Take off the label “survivor of abuse” and what do you have? You have no clue, do you?

Well, I’m not going to tell you, and I’m not telling you because I love you. What you are, who you are, is an ever-evolving definition. Feel free to shed the old and embrace the new, even if the “you” being shed is but 10 days old. Who cares? Even though you will be “mom” for the rest of your life, that doesn’t mean that you cannot be more and less and other and in addition to…you decide who you are every given second. Every single minute. Every single day.