My Verbally Abusive Marriage

It’s late, and I promised myself a more normal schedule, so I’m headed to bed. BUT I also promised myself I’d post daily, so I’m racking my brain for something worthwhile to write.

Worthwhile to whom? you may ask. Well, since “you” may or may not be here at all, I guess I’m looking for something worthwhile to write FOR ME.

I think that I’ll mention two good things. Typically, the “good stuff” isn’t “worthwhile” because I have a bad habit of NOT letting myself be happy about even the tiniest thing. Unless it’s a kitten, pretty sunrise, or some other bit of god’s bounty shared with lil’ ol’ me.

On the whole, anything good that happens TO me doesn’t qualify as a reason to talk, write, or even think about it for very long. I have a history of depriving myself of good moments because there’s always so much that I need to “fix” (read: stuff that isn’t good gets most of my attention).

I’m stalling because I’m concerned over whether “you” will consider these things good or not…. I guess it doesn’t HAVE to matter so much. They gave me moments of peace and joy, so here they are:

I told my husband that I wasn’t going to leave, and he is utterly relieved and overjoyed about it. “I can’t tell you how happy I am about your decision,” he said yesterday. I am kind of in a joyful shock at his reaction. He didn’t say, “You made me happy.” He said that he is happy about my decision. The verbage is not normal for him, and “not normal” is exactly what I’m looking for.

Along with telling him about my decision, I also told him that my staying doesn’t mean that I’m going to go along as usual. I told him that I have a safety plan. I said that I got to decide when/if I felt threatened, and whether he thought I “should” feel threatened or not didn’t matter. I also mentioned that he could expect to continue seeing changes in me and in the way I relate to him and our boys. Anyway, I am not being bossy or “laying down the law.” How he reacts to me and how he honors or dishonors our vows is still on him…I’m done trying to covertly dictate what he should and shouldn’t do. Instead, I’m going to react to his choices in ways that are healthy for me.

I guess that is a two-parter. I’m happy about what he said to me, and I’m proud of myself for the way I told him I was staying.

The second thing I’m happy about is that Marc and I did NOT revert to yelling and screaming at one another today during a conversation that usually would have ended up that way. I’m optimistically hoping that the way I handled a conflict YESTERDAY had an influence on today, and that even though I didn’t go “by the book” yesterday, the method I chose was nonetheless effective.

So, two good things in as many days. I’m not deluding myself that I will always be successful, but I am growing more confident that I am capable of reacting and acting in a healthy manner. I also expect more conflicts to arise with both my husband and my son…but that’s okay. It took us a long time to get HERE, but it doesn’t have to take nearly that long to get better, healthier. I’m willing to suffer setbacks because I know they will offer me the opportunity to fine-tune myself.

It feels weird, explaining why I’m happy instead of why I’m sad. I don’t know if I “like” it, but I think I can get comfortable with it in time. Isn’t that funny? Not knowing if I “like” writing about happy stuff? I guess I’ve spent so much time waiting for the other shoe to drop that I haven’t allowed myself the luxury of happiness.

I think that being happy is harder than being sad. It seems more fleeting and less dependable than heart ache. But I can feel it now, and that is a turn for the better!

I do think it’s remarkable that these two happy situations came to pass just when I needed them most. I think my angels are hard at work to provide me with reason to continue. Thank you, ANGELS!

I think I’m beginning to understand what codependence is all about. I received an email today with the line “And do you sometimes feel that you are wanting a hero to come and rescue you and help you with the more practical aspects of living that might be falling apart? Maybe it’s time for a reality check?”

Hell yeah. That’s what I’m waiting for. God, a dead relative, some divine intervention…even one of the nanny’s from Nanny 911 would work. SOMEONE, anyone, who could fix me is who I want.

Perhaps that’s why I gravitated to Will in the first place. He seemed to have all the answers and all the confidence in the world to go along with them.

As I live in the feeling that I’m not good enough, I’m trying really hard to listen to what I’m thinking.

And what I’m thinking is,

• “The house is a mess, it’s got to be perfect before he gets home or another neighbor comes to visit.”
• “The boys don’t respect me.”
• “I can’t DO this anymore (as if I’ve DONE anything before).”
• “I’ll never figure out how to support myself…too much time has passed for me to be viable to anyone.”
• “I’ll be stuck living in a home that has an explosion around every corner for the rest of my life.”
• “My husband never loved me anyway. Who really could?”
• “Why can’t I pull myself up by my bootstraps and fix this?”
• “Why am I so alone when I know people love me?”
• “What is my incompetence doing to my boys?”
• “How smart is it to put all (or almost all) of my stupid thoughts online for everyone and Will to read? If he’s so damn manipulative, then why do I feel compelled to give him ammunition for an assault?”
• “All I DO is sit around and cry either internally or externally. I try to cover up the pain with stupid television shows and thinking that maybe one day I will be someone real. The only thing I’m accomplishing is wasting time, emotion, energy, thoughts, and the lives of myself and the children I claim to love.”

I’m feeling so shitty; I want to stop feeling. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop.

The greatest things about letting my boys visit cousins without me is this: I don’t have to wake up to a messy house! The house will be just like I left it when I went to bed – clean, neat, ready for the morning…

Um, I should have sent the kittens to visit relatives too!

But really, who can be upset with kittens?

And as I wrote that I couldn’t be upset with kittens, I realized that it’s because I accept them for what they are. Namely, playful, rambunctious, sweet, messy, and apparently full of feces.

Granted, I’m not going to be able to keep 9 cats; I’m going to have to give some away even though I do accept them for what and who they are.

Am I going to have to do the same with my husband? Am I going to have to give him away even though I “knew he was like this when we married”? Even though I wish he was nicer? Even though I think he’d be a happier man if he could learn to play nicely with others? Even though I want to stay?

One major difference between kittens and husbands is that I don’t expect kittens to change for me. I don’t seem to need evidence that a kitten “loves me.”  I love the kitten anyway.

Why do I expect my husband to prove he loves me by changing?

Why do I need anyone to prove their love to me?

I don’t seem to need anyone else in the whole world to validate me, approve of me, give me permission to be myself. They either like me or they don’t; love me or not. Of course, I DO want to be liked, but if I can’t be myself AND be liked by any other person in the world, then oh well.

So why have I given my husband this power over me?1 Why strive to be someone different for him?

Why should he strive to be someone different for me?

Even though I love all the kitties, I’m going to have to let them go. Although I love my husband, am I going to have to let him go too?

I am not willing to blame what I don’t like about myself on any abusive relationships I have tolerated during my lifetime. My marriage has been mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive; although that fact is saddening, it is not a “reason” to continue cultivating the bad habits and faults I’ve developed in response to it. It is not okay to stay the way was the day I realized my relationship was abusive. In fact, most of the conflict following that day has been due to my effort to change.

First, I wanted to change my husband. Then, I wanted to change our relationship. Now, I only want to change myself.

I want to change…

• How I take care of myself, physically, mentally, & emotionally (I like the spiritual path I’m on!)
• How I view my “place” in the world, my nation, my community, my family, and my marriage
• My thoughts concerning “what is possible” for me and my family
• My marriage by changing myself into the person I want to be
• My fitness level, my body, and my “look”
• My preconceived ideas about what I “should” be doing and work on what I can do – what I think is best, even when it takes energy I’m not sure I have

In short, there are many many many things I hope to change. And I’m scared.

Yes, I’m scared of change itself, but what I’m really afraid of is that my idea of what my future will look like is not possible. What if some of the people I love don’t want to be with me in the end? What if my “perfect future” doesn’t include everyone that I love? What if I have to let them go in order to be happy? What if I change so much that they don’t love me anymore?

The word “selfish” keeps running around in my mind. I think I’ve been called selfish so often that it’s hard to know when I’m being selfish and when I’m being true to myself.

I’ve got a question for you: Is it abuse if I cut off my teenager mid-sentence and tell him that I don’t want to hear his mouth anymore? See, technically, I believe all people should be heard (even if you don’t agree with them). This extends to my children; I’ve always tried to respect their feelings and hear their opinions.

For the most part, this works very well for me. I’m very close to my boys, and even though they throw (age-appropriate) tantrums that drive me up the wall, both of them always come back to me to talk it through.

But when my teenager starts backtalking and arguing, I just tell him that I don’t want to hear it anymore. Then he throws the tantrum, usually mutters something, and storms off – which is fine with me because when I say that, I really truly DO NOT want to hear it.

My son is driving me crazy

I just realized why I love to write things out, especially when I’m in some emotional turmoil. I answered my own question.

It is inappropriate for my son to backtalk and argue with me because he knows full well that I am willing to have a reasonable conversation with him over ANY subject. [In the past two weeks we've talked about his newly chosen religion, sex and drugs and how he feels about them (SCARY!) without any arguing or fighting. And I didn't lecture - these were conversations. We have them all the time.

What I'm doing is telling him that he's crossing my boundary. He is not allowed to backtalk and argue over some things (chores, house rules, etc.). The rules are mine to set because I'm the parent, and I won't allow his sour mood to dictate the direction of our conversation. If I can learn to hold my tongue, so can he. [And any of you with teenagers know what I'm talking about! LOL]

So. I have a boundary. Yay Me!

His anger comes from nowhere. At least that what it seems like to me.

Maybe he thinks the outburst is justified, but now I think his motive is to get me back under his thumb.

Quivering, trying to end the tirade by whatever means possible. Embarassed. Confused. Questioning.

BANG – it’s happened. And it’s up to me to calm the beast.

Verbal Abuse: A Transformative Experience

This is an email I sent to him today. I wasn’t going to send it, but after rereading it, I thought it would be good to post…so, if I’m going to post it publicly, then it was only fair to send it to him first. I’m responding to an email and phone conversation we’ve recently had. It’s not pretty. The military JUST NOW sent word down the pipe that we were having “problems” in the form of physical abuse. It’s amazing. One instance of physical abuse and we’re celebrities. 17 years of verbal abuse and there’s nothing done to help. That’s the military for you.

Here’s the email:
Do you really think that I don’t KNOW there are different types of people in the world? Why would I think [N] was like [L]? Just because they’re both officer’s wives, I am going to assume they’re the same? And I didn’t say anything to [N] that I wouldn’t say to anyone else, and for that matter, I didn’t say anything inappropriate to her. I didn’t say anything she didn’t already know. Why wouldn’t I assume she has her husband’s best interests at heart? Don’t we all WISH the best for our husbands? Especially me – your career is MY career. I tied my hopes, dreams and all my love to YOU a long time ago, and if you don’t believe that, then there’s nothing I can do or say today that will make you believe it.

If I didn’t WISH the best for you, if I wasn’t loyal to you, then why would I still be fighting for you? Why would I still be here? Why would I still love you? I obviously cannot change your heart. I obviously cannot make you or force you to understand that the only change I wish IN you is that you SEE and CARE about how your words and actions hurt the people you love the most. I wish you could take responsibility for the things you do and say ALL of the time – not only when the chips are down and your career or your marriage is at stake. You only seem to care about how you act or what you say when there’s a possiblilty that someone besides me will see or hear, or that I might actually have a “documented” reason to leave you because of some “case” I’m trying to build against you. And of course, that case would be heard by someone besides me. You don’t care what you say to me or do to me, because when you’re wrong, you go out of your way to make me the bad person.

I am the most loyal person you’ve ever known. I’ve always tried to protect you and your reputation. The only people I’ve EVER been honest with about the trouble you and I have are my family and a few of my friends – the people who can do NOTHING to you. They are incapable of doing anything to harm you, but you act like they’re your worst enemy. Then, when it suits you, you elevate those very women ABOVE me insinuating that if they can love a piece of shit like [T], then why can’t I love you? You act like I am your worst enemy, and that’s how you treat me. You put me down, you don’t raise me up. You use my weaknesses to your advantage, you use me to excuse your actions, you use me to keep up with the appearance that you’ve got it all together, all the while telling me that I know nothing, can do nothing – that I am powerless against you.

What would you have me say to [N] or anyone else for that matter? Why are you trying to tell me that what I did say to her was wrong? I told her the truth – the same truth I’ve told you. I’ve been completely honest with you even when I knew you could turn it back on me, and it seems like you always do that. You have the ability to take what I say or do and make it all about you. Then you tell me that because I say or do things that are right and good for ME, that I need to rethink it because it’s not what is best for you. It sounds like you love yourself more than you love me, because if you loved me, you wouldn’t consistently berate my decisions, my thoughts, emotions and beliefs.

You question my decisions, you question my child-raising ability, you question my ability to be the person I want to be. This whole “thing” isn’t about me trying to CHANGE YOU. It’s about a change that is going on inside of me. For better or worse, I’m sick to death of being told I am naive, disloyal, incapable, irrational and “wrong” about everything I know to be true.

If this was about me trying to pin the blame on you for “my issues” then I could have stuck with the first “lable” of alcoholic that I attached to you. I didn’t have to move into something else to prove a point. Your words, your nature, and your attitude about what you and I are going through throw me further into the belief that you won’t ever admit to or even try to see that how you talk to me, how you treat me, is wrong and definately fits the lable of “abusive”. You do these things without seeming to know or understand, but I know better. You think it’s funny when you do it to other people, and I have a feeling that when you do it to me, you think it’s funny, too.

If you love me, if you really truly love me, then you’ll stop acting like you don’t. My love for you IS unconditional; I’ve never asked you to be someone you aren’t. I’m asking you to be good to me, someone you profess to love. That’s all.

I wish I wasn’t going to send this, but I am.