My Verbally Abusive Marriage

Lately I’ve been thinking about you, the readers of this blog. You readers are my core; without you, I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to continue the leaving process after it begun. Without you, I think I may have resigned myself to more years of abuse – maybe I would have stayed until I died. Your encouragement, support (and in one case, your negativity) helped me to cement the idea in my head that leaving my abuser and staying gone was the right thing to do.

I consider those of you who didn’t contribute in writing but viewed the blog my silent army (I can see “how many” but not “who”). I think you were either suffering or knew someone who was, and I just couldn’t allow myself to let you down. Freedom from abuse was my only choice not only for me, but because I felt responsible to you. During my darkest hours, I thought of you, and my imagining that you were looking to me for guidance, to see what would happen if you left, allowed me to find the courage I needed to go on.

I know you are all “strangers” to me, but you’re the best damn strangers anyone has ever not known, and I thank you for being here for me. I’ve never been so grateful for the prayers and thoughts from strangers as I am today, as I look back.

Thank you. I appreciate you. I hope you’ll continue forward with me.

More to come tonight…

A few months after I’d left Will, I had worked through the grief stage and moved into such a euphoric state that I thought it would never end. I thought to myself, “So this is what I’ve been missing all these years!” and with a smile and artsy flourish of my wrist, I chucked my last 11 anti-depressants into the trash.

Here it is, almost a year later, and I feel a familiar numbness settling into my joints, radiating outward. I bet you can see it, murky and olive green, if you look hard enough.

Well, in hindsight, I guess I had a good run.

Over the past year, several good things happened for me: Continue reading

If I were married today, Valentine’s Day,

• I wouldn’t have received a bouquet of beautiful flowers from someone who loves me.
• I wouldn’t feel special, precious, or loved.
• I wouldn’t be working, so I wouldn’t have received Valentine’s Day gifts from my Secret Pal.
• I wouldn’t have wonderful people around me every day who appreciate my strengths and help me overcome my weaknesses.
• I wouldn’t feel like showing appreciation for anyone except for my boys.

On the other hand, I would BE with my boys and we would have dinner together as a family, at the table, with candles. Nevertheless, I’m taking dinner to them (heart-shaped pizza!) and will get some lovin’ from them tonight. Then, I’m invited to dinner (he’s cooking!) and a movie, and I’ll be happy and content, hoping that my presence helps the one I’m with feel wonderful too.

Life is good.

I’m so happy that this is not the same Valentine’s Day as last year. This time last year, there was confusion and doubt and I wondered what to call myself. None of that this year. I call myself “loved.”

I received a comment on Facebook recently that said I was amazing and strong (thank you, Amber!). I think I share qualities with every other person in abusive relationships.

• We’re optimistic AND depressed/anxious
• We’re giving.
• We all have a bright light that other people, even our abusers, recognize; the difference is the abuser wants to absorb it all for them self and if they can’t own it, they want it GONE.
• We’re helpful.
• We’re strong. We have to be to withstand the abuse.
• We’re capable of intimacy to the DETRIMENT of our selves within the abusive “relationship” and the benefit to any other.
• We’re intuitive in that we “know” something’s wrong (but maybe haven’t put our finger on what “it” is).

In short, we’re amazing human beings who embody characteristics that any person who doesn’t selfishly want to steal them from us will admire and cherish.

If you look at that list the opposite way, you can see those characteristics how the abuser sees us:

• We’re always living in an idealistic and therefore unrealistic world, we don’t understand how the world works AND we look for sympathy when we should be able to solve our own problems (“get that look off your face!” or “your life is so easy!” or “what’s wrong with you?”… and on and on)
• We’re always too generous, too friendly, too trusting, …
• We’re show-offs, know it alls, drama queens, and holier-than-thou …
• We’re nosy, looking for trouble, flirty, whores …
• We’re weak. We would have to be to rely on him for “everything” and do “nothing” to further ourselves.
• We’re too close to our family, we take other people’s opinions ahead of his, we use poor judgment in relating to friends, we tell too many secrets, we complain too much, …
• We’re always looking for trouble, we wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves if we couldn’t make up some problem, we read into things, we make mountains of molehills and think too much …

The questions with no right answers are:

• When will you decide to reject, completely and utterly, your abuser’s interpretation of you?
• When will you decide that YOU are the best judge of your character and capabilities?
• When will you trust yourself above all others?

No one can answer those questions for you. But when the day comes where your answer is “TODAY”, you will feel the seed of courage germinate and it’s roots will spread to every bit of your being. Continue learning, keep reading other people’s stories, observe, see your truth, and soon the seed of courage WILL spring forth and bloom. You will overcome this mess and you will be free.

Along with the twice weekly blog posts at healthyplace.com, I will also be doing a monthly audio post and a monthly video post. The first audio post will be from my sister. It will be a way to shrink your verbal abuser down to size. I use my sister’s meditation all the time, and it helps me regain my sanity. Look for it the first week of February.

Yes, I’m in school full time. I’m working toward a 4 year degree in psychology. I’ve been very busy!

On top of work and school, I’ve been tolerating my ex’s evaluation of why I haven’t filed for divorce yet. I told him that even if I paid the $175 filing fee to my attorney, she’d apply it to my DEBT I owe her, not toward a new motion. Or filing. Or whatever you call it.

Trust me – the papers are coming. And why can’t HE file? I don’t know the answer to that. I guess I could pay another $10 to SEND AND EMAIL to ask, but I’ll be seeing my attorney in court soon enough. I will pay my attorney, out of my settlement, and I will file for divorce. Nothing would make me happier.

Of course, my explanation for why it’s not already done isn’t the true one, according to him. He says that I want to suck on his insurance instead of doing the “right thing.”

He’s got a lot of nerve, telling me what the “right thing” to do could be. Ha.

Between you and me (and him and the light post), I’ve done everything I could to take care of as many lingering health issues as possible this past year. The last dental appointment is tomorrow – two grand, out of pocket, to crown some teeth and get 3 fillings since March. If I’d known I would have been able to “suck off” his insurance past our separation date, I wouldn’t have missed all those days at my NEW JOB – which I LOVE, by the way.

But, back to medical issues, the one thing I haven’t needed to charge to the awesome insurance coverage his job provides are anti-depressants. So, in essence, leaving him saved his insurance company money. It was the best thing that ever happened to TRICARE.

And do I need to remind anyone that the bulk of the reason he still has his job is because I signed papers that in effect said I would like to dismiss the domestic violence charge? (Justice vs. Right post from March 24, 2010)

Good. I feel better. Now I’m going to do my fricking homework! (YAY!! I have HOMEWORK!)

As fortune would have it, I’ve been invited to blog on healthyplace.com. I’ll post there on Thursday and Sunday mornings. I hope you will all impart your wisdom on that blog, too. There is a larger audience for us to share what we know, and I look forward to seeing you there and here!

Thank you all for your support over the past months. I still have a lot of internal unraveling to do, so I’ll continue to post my experiences on this blog even as I leave my marriage.

I’m going to be interviewed on Healthy Place Radio on Wednesday, January 5th at 8pm CST, 9pm EST!

The interview will be about my experience with abuse. I am looking forward to it very much, and I hope you will tune in. If you can’t make it for the live show, Ms. Holly Gray plans to make it a featured show for a week (probably the week beginning January 16th).

I suppose she’ll change her mind about featuring the show if I’m a doof.

This interview goes hand in hand with a second radio interview with a psychologist (or is it a pair of psychologists?) who help people like me. I am not sure when that interview occurs, but maybe if Holly sees this post, she’ll be kind enough to add her comment.

I hope to feel your presence on January 8th!

http://www.healthyplace.com/mental-health-radio-show/ is the link to where the show will be heard. I recommend you check out the site – it’s full of great information.

At the end of last year, before the separation, I wrote this:

Words that once had meaning make no sense. My brain is screaming, “LOSER!” while a piece of me patiently waits for a better time. Do I need to DO something to bring it about? ‘Cause all I want to do now is sleep and keep up the appearance of caring about the house.

I don’t (or wouldn’t) care if we ate off dirty plates. Wore dirty clothes. Neglected all our shit. I just don’t care.

But I WANT to care. I WANT to be productive and I want what I produce to replenish my and others’ needs – not deplete them.

Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired.

Why am I so tired? WHY?

————————————

Well, that was last year. This year is different. I know there’s no “loser” in my brain. The words I speak to myself are so far from tired and depleted that I almost cannot remember writing that entry, almost cannot remember feeling that worthless and guilty.

There is no guilt in me today. I am no longer trying to be someone I’m not to keep the peace in my home. It never worked anyway.

This time last year I was labeled a liar, betrayer, selfish…and that hasn’t changed. He still tells me my priorities are fucked up, that I don’t care about my children.

The difference is this year I know I am not those things and that I never was.

It is better on this side. I am stronger. I don’t believe him anymore. He’s like a tiny voice that annoys me sometimes but cannot discourage me from following my heart or from being the wonderful woman I am and always have been and will become more of over my coming years.

I made the right decision. I left it all behind. Even the relationships with my children which I mistakenly thought were lost to me are returning. I was patient, and I am better off for it. I am proud of what I accomplished during this past year. I am looking forward to the new one with hope and peace and love. I am free.

Happy new year to all of you. Freedom isn’t free, but it sure as hell is worth the fight.

Recently, my friend’s daughter has launched a seek and destroy campaign against him. She’s pulled up facts (and rumors) from his past and attempted to make people believe they’re current activities (i.e. heroin addiction! among other crap).  She’s another self-absorbed controller unleashing her special brand of evil into the world.

Of course, this friend of mine, feels devastated and hurt. He sits firmly in “what-ifs” and “where did I go wrongs”. He knows she is a toxin in his life; he left her butt in her home state at her mama’s last week. She is pissed. He is working on sending her stuff. I am so proud of him.

The past month or so has been difficult for me to deal with. Although I see clearly from a detached distance the horror that young woman was brewing, I had to work very hard to clearly see MY reality with this man. He shows no signs of drug abuse, he has never taken advantage of me, he’s gentle with animals, he’s honest about his feelings. Yet, when his BOSS (who the daughter also called) tells me he’s a liar who is planning on selling his daughter’s car (to purchase more heroin?), is heading off from his sister’s funeral to gamble the money he stole from his daughter, and is the biggest most convincing liar on the face of the planet, I have to admit that I was jarred.

I almost trusted someone else over myself.

I slowed down my thinking. I slowed down my heart. And I called my friend.

I heard his completely sober voice, and KNEW. The stories surrounding him were fictitious at best, evil at worst. He was truthful. He was the man I thought I knew.

There was no one to validate this for me but ME. And for once, my own information, my own gut feeling, was enough. After years of believing my ex (on a very deep level) that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, I discovered that belief to be fallacy.

I’m learning to trust myself, and I feel really good about that.