My Verbally Abusive Marriage

How was your Thanksgiving? Mine was great, minus the turkey dinner, minus my kids. I did have my boys with me Thursday morning. We ate strawberry shortcakes and drank coffee. I got them caffeinated and sugared up for the day at their dad’s house! I just can’t figure out why that man doesn’t love me anymore.

Just kidding. I know why he doesn’t love me. He’s found my replacement. I’m thankful for that.

I’m also thankful for the sausage gravy and biscuits, the call from my sister, and, perhaps mostly, Max’s company.

I like how Katheryn Lee-Ryder named her radio series “Roadmap to Freedom”. It’s the perfect name for people stuck in abusive relationships! Sometimes victims stay because there’s no direction on how to free themselves.

Abuse diminishes our ability to see our way free. We victims become reliant on the most unreliable source in the world (our abuser!) for help and how-to-almost anything.

Your abuser isn’t going to give you a map to freedom, but I think Ms. Lee-Ryder will.

If you’re interested in learning more about her program, Click Here!

This past summer’s testimonials came from several brave people who reached out to share their experiences. Doing so was good for them and good for us. Those of us still in abusive relationships can find validation in their experience, to know we’re not alone. Those of us out of abusive relationships can remember why we left and reflect on the chaos we once called our lives compared to the serenity and empowerment we now feel.

My heartfelt wishes of peace are with all of you. Thank you for sharing your stories of abuse.

• Steve - Sad, angry and confused
• Linda - Sadness, frustration, sense of unreality
• Courtney – Sadness, failure, frustration
• Kacy – Depression, guilt, failure
• Marla – Crazy, insane, useless
• Gina – Confusion, despair, hurt
• Alyssa – Anger, numbness, despair
• Ann – Shame, guilt, fear

On March 1, 2010, I wrote a post called I Want to Lie to You. I wanted to protect myself from judgment by not telling the truth.

My life is different now. I know that the choices I make will be judged by others. The difference between now and then is that I am willing to let you think what you want without allowing your judgments to guide my actions.

I know that the decisions I make come from my core, my center. I know that I can’t go wrong when I listen to Spirit (aka God).

I am a work in progress, and I will be a better person because I willingly learn from my decisions that result in successes or mistakes. My mistakes, past and future, do not define me. My successes define me.

I gave the document attached to I Want to Lie to You to my now ex-husband as a final attempt to save our marriage. Weeks after receiving it, he told me, “I will never go to counseling.” His statement told me everything I needed to know. I was free. I’d done everything I could; he wasn’t willing to meet me anywhere near the middle. Continue reading

Dear God,

I know what you’re asking me to do. You want me to take another leap of faith.

When Will put his hands on me on January 22, 2010, I did leave. But I didn’t want to. I cried when I filled out the ex parte order. I cried when the judge approved it and handed me my copy over the top of her high mahogany bench.

I took that leap of faith, and You were waiting there for me on the other side of that fear.

When I moved from my marital home into the peaceful house I now rent with the past year’s tax return in my pocket, I didn’t yet have a job, not even a prospect at that time.

I took that leap of faith, and You were waiting there for me on the other side of my fear. Continue reading

Over the past couple of years, I’ve written this blog straight from my heart. When I look back over the posts, especially the ones in the beginning, I see errors in my thinking. In many posts, abuse and its effects clouded my thinking; I doubted myself at my strongest, persevered with bad decisions when I was at my weakest.

Last year I began writing a more structured blog at healthyplace.com. I enjoy my blog there, but it is not like this one. Over there, people get the impression that I am an expert on the topic of verbal abuse. Unless they visit this blog, they do not know that my expertise originates from experience, not education. They do not realize that I am but one story in a sea of many.

The biggest difference between my readers (you) and me is that I put the stuff in my head and heart on the screen. I share with you what I’m thinking although I know that I don’t know everything. Every time I write this blog, I realize that next week or next year I may have to humbly reverse my actions, eat my words. Never once have I regretted writing any post or sharing any feeling. I figure you will see something helpful even when I’m wrong. I hope you sense my best intentions are sometimes flawed. I hope you act on your hunches. 

When I blogged during my marriage and early separation, everything was open for discussion. I laid it out there on the line. But since I’ve broken free of that relationship, I began to withdraw a bit. I thought in the back of my mind that I had little left to offer you. Especially when the judge gave primary custody of my children to him. I thought you would be afraid to leave your abuser knowing that it was possible to legally lose custody of your children.

But shit happens. And shit happens for a reason. Even the really crappy stuff happens for a reason.

On top of dealing with my ex during the incommunicado period, I was participating in a relationship drama that I promised myself I would not revisit. Get ready for some spoilers… Continue reading

My brain hit the ground running this morning. I tried unsuccessfully to feel the warmth of Max beside me, the soft wind from the fan and the cozy-soft microfiber sheets. But my brain wouldn’t have it. It was like while sleeping, it discovered all the answers and couldn’t wait to put me into action.

Unfortunately, those answers got lost in transitioning from sleeping to waking, and I found myself bombarded with noisy kids, messy house, and the other signs that I wasn’t in control of much at all.

I want to have my peaceful home back, the one that I miraculously found in May of 2010 that enabled me to think to myself without interruption. I miss my safe, silent, cocoon. Continue reading

In The Dark

“In The Dark” ( A Song For Battered Women) off the hot new Conscious Earth E.P. by Indie Artist J.D. Smith who says, “Please help me raise money and spread the word through this song and my new E.P. benefits an overcrowded women’s shelter called PROJECT SAFE in Athens Georgia.- Peace out”

Now available for MP3 download on iTunes, Amazon.com, Amazon.co.uk , & Napster. Catch it today!

 John Keane (R.E.M., Widespread Panic, B 52′s, Indigo Girls, 10,000 Maniacs etc…) produced J.D. Smith’s Conscious Earth E.P.

I did not write this essay. I found it at http://www.conversationsforabetterworld.com/2009/11/domestic-violence/ in response to a comment I posted in 2009. I admire this woman’s depth of thought, and since we’ve been discussing courts, law, etc. on facebook, I thought it was a relevant idea to share.

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Written by Tonya

Saturday 21st November, 2009, 2:57pm

I left my abusive husband Jan. 8, 2009 after being together for almost 11 years. I endured every kind of abuse there is: psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual, economic and physical. We have 4 children together and they were a major reason for me staying for so long. I tried to keep the family together and I was a stay at home mom. My children and I were immediately placed in a confidential DV shelter where we stayed for 2 months. We then went to stay with my sister for 4 months, my mom for 2 weeks, and we’ve been with a friend living in her basement since August. Continue reading

Most hurtful thing I heard this week:

“I don’t love you, I barely respect you, and I hope the last words you hear me say are Fuck You!”

I love my son. His words did not send me into a tailspin. I didn’t cry because of what he said, I cry because of the example I’ve allowed him to absorb.

It’s not my fault, but it is my problem.
Fortunately, he recognizes his temper and anger problems. He’s willing to get help.

Keep him in your thoughts as we regain our footing in this tumultuous post-abuse recovery.